Come Already Damn It

I hate this. I hate waiting for this damn letter. I keep trying to register too and it says I haven't met the pre requs for the class. Which makes me think I did not get in. I just want my letter. I am so nervous and I'm doubting myself now. Everyone says I have it in the bag, yes my grades are great, but i have those transfer credits. I lose 5 points. And very few people applied meaning that they might all be A students without transfer credits or retakes for classes so they get docked nothing and even though I have amazing grades it still shoves me to the bottom of the list. I just want to know. Every day that goes by brings my confidence down and makes the pit in my stomach bigger and bigger. I don't know what I'll do if I don't make it. Cry probably. I worked SO hard. I am beyond nervous and it sucks. The mail man walked right by the house today.....had no mail for anyone. I wanted to yell at him. I am so so so nervous that its making me sick. GAH

It's Been A LOOOONNNNGGG Time

Considering my last post was in December and it is May now. But hey, I've been rather busy


In short, we moved to my parents and it isn't all too bad. I just miss my quiet time.

School has been...well...intense. I only have like 4 more weeks of class plus finals week left. It is going by SO fast and I'm super nervous. I want in the program SO bad and I'm afraid that me having transfer credits will hinder me. I hope it won't though because I am doing well in my classes. I am so excited for this though you have no idea...

I have learned that there will always be part of my body I don't like 100% but I have come to the conclusion that all in all I like what i look like and who I am. It may not be perfect but it doesn't need to be. Of course there will be things i would like to improve but they no longer are the things I was once self conscious about. Those are turning out to be quite nice.

I am lucky to have someone in my life that I can count on and someone who loves me for me and shows it. I am glad I have you, you make me happy. Plus we have a little stinker but cat who makes us both happy.

Back to studying I go. I feel dead but I gotta do it. I can't fail now.

Fallen Angel

This kind of grief is new to me. Sudden loss is hard and tragic loss is even harder. Watching you leave in a bag was hard, let alone knowing I would never see you again. Your picture is hard to see, but I know i need to keep looking. I need to remember your face. You happy face, the good times. We knew you were not meant to stay on this Earth long. We knew one day you would do it. Take your life. I realize you hurt every day. Now you are free. Your funeral is tomorrow. We saw you in a casket today. I have never seen a funeral home so packed before, know you were so loved, are loved. We all miss you.

Getting Places

I am feeling very good about myself and about everything.

-I am starting a new semester in college next month with some awesome classes

-My loan stuff has seemed to go through ok

-My semester now isnt over till next week but i will have a 4.0

- I am excited about the future (and nervous and scared and everything in between but thats ok)

- I love my little family ( Deric and Khaleesi)

-I am loving Yoga and i am getting a juicer for Christmas so i can start being super healthy and the other day i held the crow pose in class and i was sooo pumped ( Making progress!!)

-Khaleesi hasn't knocked over the tree with its ornaments on so yay

-Mt tea addiction is strong

-I thought about a few things and i came to a conclusion that i haven't said anything about but I think it is a good idea and from what everyone tells me it is way cheaper but still everything i want

-Pinterest is my all time favorite thing (so bad but i get a lot of awesome ideas from it and i love it, the crafty me is saying thank you!)

-I love my friends, coworkers, and family


There are a few things that are a little blah for me though

-Work is starting to feel like WORK, the kind you don't enjoy all too much but that is why my Baker life is pumping me up because there is HOPE

-I feel very groggy lately and sluggish when i need and want to do things and I don't like that...been thinking of doing a cleanse of some sort...the good healthy kind of course

-I NEED to get a gym membership! Yoga only goes so far.

-I feel distant at times with the world and the people in it, that is ok but I need to come back down to earth.



I am trying to be a better me and I am slowly, day by day, making progress. I think I will go walk down at Lake Harbor soon because i always feel refreshed after doing that and a walk in nature cures like anything for me. Even if it is cold as balls here in Michigan.

I am gonna start saving for my back piece (Mandala). I really want it. I think i will get the ohm sign someplace too. I need to start a regular meditation also, never realized how important things like that and savasana where till recent.

Wooden Doors

There is a weird emptiness that I am feeling right now. Whenever things like this happen, something very bad, there is a solid wood door that I shut my feelings away with. Like a form of protection. The door doesn't budge even if i want it to. Everything i am feeling i can feel it brimming, churning, bubbling just beneath the surface. I distract myself with things and i have no thought to think. I am surrounded by..... nothing. My sister, my beloved sister, her pain went too far today and she did something that could have really hurt her, luckily it was not an extreme pill. It was nothing that she needed out in the next few seconds or death would a cur. But it was the action. No being is worth that much pain to put onto yourself. No one. If they cause it is their own damn fault for being who they are. They are terrible creatures. Not you. Over time i have learned that not everyone is a true friend or someone who truly cares about YOU. People are selfish and don't understand the weight words can have on an individual. If what they say to you is true, it should make you re evaluate how you go about life because if more than one person says something then their could be truth in it. But when someone is an ass, when someone is bent on making you hurt and does not care for your well being because, well, they suck, they are not worth even worrying or thinking over. And NO ONE is worth hurting yourself for. We all feel pain and some handle it much better than others. I hope never again to be told what i was told today. I hope to never have to rush to an ER for that reason. I hope to god I do not see that kids face again. The one that hurt her. He will wish he never saw me. I protect my family and those i care about. It pains me to see them in pain. I held it together to be strong for them, for her, to show her love and support.


The dam broke and the door opened.

Sometimes things in my mind are better left there. Better left unsaid.

I am frustrated right now.

But i will not say much about that.

I find waiting till I have cooled off to say things is the best coarse of action.

That way you don't say anything you'll regret.

Plus you'll have a cooled off head.

Plus I am hungry, so that doesn't help.

Drunken Love

Its funny how drunken conversation can be so reassuring. Talking about things that are rarely talked about when we are sober is strangely nice. We can talk about the dirty things that are hard to bring up and things about the future that are greatly reassuring and bring a lot of hope. There is a lot of love in this relationship and a lot of understanding and a lot of hope. We just have to wait for those days in the future that we are oh so waiting for.


For me, I am happy. I am me. I think i finally can let go of the things that hold me back. I don't even take a second glance of the things that i could care less about. It's enlightening.