This Fear Runs Deep

I have to admit something, but i wont say what it is on here..not until tomorrow when i talk to you about it. Maybe it'll make sense of a few things and maybe it'll make me feel better cause its a deep fear of mine that i hope you'll help me with and talk me through it and reassure me. You are the one person who hasn't hurt me in any way. Emotionally or physically. You've always been nice to me, always kind, always loving and helpful. Oh this fear runs deep, after being screwed over by the people i cared about so much so many times it grew. Once i tell you...hopefully you can help me.

Happyness

Deric is the most amazing person. He's perfect. He talks me through my thoughts when i start worrying really bad. He makes sure i feel better even when what I'm worrying about sounds crazy. He's the kind of person that i need. He makes me feel better and sticks with me no matter what. It's an amazing feeling having someone like that.

I Did It

Oh my god i did it i did it i did it.....how the fuck did i do that? How i feel right now. I got a 92 on my math test, the one that i was scared about. PLUS i have a 94 in the class! Fuck yeah....now i gotta kick butt in the finals. Bio will be my worst enemy but I'm gonna try and do my best. I can only hope for an A in the class cause ill be so bumbed if i don't get it.

I'm Trying...I'm Trying So Hard

My grade in Bio is a 90.98 right now.....a barely there A. If I don't kick butt on the final ill slip to a B and i really really want an A. Like SUPER bad. I want to get all A's again. I want to feel proud of myself and i want others proud of me. And i feel like if i don't get all A's no one will be. I know that isn't true, but that's how i feel. Yes I've become a perfectionist. Only in school though. But now I'm freaking out a little. Plus I'm kinda anxious right now. Anxiety ridden. I know why, for the most part, and i need to talk to you about it or it'll eat me up. Why am I a worrier? That's so far away from now...yet I'm worrying. I'm anxious about school about doing well about everything. Help me someone please. I'm trying...I'm trying so fucking hard and i want it to mean something. I want everything to be perfect and go perfectly but we all know that doesn't happen...but that's what i want. I want all the love i can get, all the cuddles i can get, all the talks i can get, all the everything i can get. I need us time, i need me time, i need study time, i need friends time. I need to talk, i need to get out my stupid fears and worries. Help me help me please.

Oh What A Life This Is

Nervous out of my mind today, wasn't sure how that whole thing would go, but it went fine. Every thing out in the open and there is no need for any grudges, any hatred, anything really. The past is finally being closed and i feel better about everything now. Apologies were said. Things once thought to have happened are no longer believed and that i think is what made me happiest, i don't want someone to believe a lie. Especially that one. I felt guilty at first cause i didn't know if Deric would be angry at me for it, but he said he wasn't at all and I'm glad for that cause i don't want to make him unhappy. I'm really not sure how my Bio test and lab practical went....I'm nervous for them.....and a week form now is my final. Ugh. I'm hoping i get an A in the class....like I'm hoping i don't fail this math test tomorrow. This craps hard. But my math final i think will actually be easy so thank god for that. Now on to studying for math....yeah...i study for math now...who knew.

The Finale

Maybe that's what i need to get over this. Closure. Well, I'll march my nervous ass over there, get my closure, and then hopefully....feel better in the end and be done with it. Forever. I'm ready for that. Lets let the future take hold and drop the past in well...the past. Tomorrow it will happen.

Bumming

I don't want to wait till Sunday to see my man again. This part about school and work sucks. There is no time to see each other and it isn't like i can spend the night when i have school or work early in the morning. It's just crappy sometimes. I'm just glad after next week i have 3 weeks of school freedom. Plus no work on Mondays so yay. But tonight i would have loved to have spent the night.....my tummy and lower abdomen hurt really bad...like ow pain not stomach ache pain....and having someone hold or kinda rub my tummy sometimes makes it feel better. I wish i saw him more....