Loving Nights

I am so glad Deric came over last night. It definitely made my night. He came over after work because i really missed him and I really wanted to cuddle with him. So we just laid in my bed, talked, and cuddled. It was only like an hour but it meant the world to me. He makes sure I feel good and that I am happy. He cares about me and that means more than you know.

I realized something the other night. When I have dreams that depict Deric as being not the amazing guy that he is...aka an ass....I used to get frustrated with him in real life. Not sure why I did but like just the thought of him doing what he was in my dreams hurt. Now though when I have dreams like that I just wake up, and if he is next to me I hold his hand (he's usually asleep so he doesn't know I do that), and I just think that there is no way that my Deric would ever do something like that. He is not that kind of person. Then I smile and just think of all the wonderful things that Deric has done and I fall back asleep. I really think that is a big step for me. I do.

Also, we are apartment searching and so far I think it's going well. We've found one place so far that we do really like. We just need to call and tour then well....have a place! We can afford it well too. I've been doing the budgeting and you know what? We make more than enough to get what we want. I am so excited to fall asleep to with that man every night. He makes me happy happy happy. :D

Someone Care Please

I'm unhappy at the moment. I'm so sad. I want to just break down and just cry. I feel so lonely right now and I feel like no one could care less.

I never tell my friends my problems, never. I've never been one to just tell everyone what is wrong in my life or just how I'm feeling in general. I don't reach out to people because I don't see my problems worth worrying over or big enough to even care about. Like Livi's issues are much bigger than mine right now so why bother anyone with mine? I find it funny though sometimes because there are times when one friend is begging for comfort and support for something and all i can think is huh, I'm going through the same exact thing, yet you don't see me telling anyone about it. But then again, I break down in front of very few people, I let no one see me vulnerable. You can all think of me as strong even when I know I'm not.

In general though, I want to break down. I want someone to sit with me, cuddle me, tell me its ok, just comfort me. My insecurities are trying to run rampant but I'm doing my best to not let them. I'm about to cry myself to sleep but I am trying not to. I feel so lonely and sad. Someone care about me please.

Help

Suddenly feeling lower than low. Fighting insecurities. Feeling so sad. Just suddenly in desperate need of a hug, of something. I feel like I'm going to cry. Feeling so low, almost alone, and anxious. Desperately need a big hug and some kind words but I won't get those for a few days still.

I'm Here For YOU

I'm here to help you. I'm here to listen. I'm here for YOU. Please take advantage of that. Talk to me when you are upset, tell me when you are unhappy, talk to me about the things that make you angry, talk to me. I love you so much, by now i would hope you realize that. With everything we have been through, realize that I do my best to help you and I do the best i can to make sure you are happy. You make me happy. You are amazing in every aspect. Please know that I am here for you. I want you to tell me your worries, frustrations, and fears. I want to know what makes you happy, excited, and joyful. I want you to be open with EVERYTHING with me. I try to be with you. I tell you things even when i know they will make you angry or upset because I know i should tell you. I tell you basically everything. Yeah, I realize that my in person talking skills lack a little cause I normally do much better at opening up on here or in text. I'm working on that though. But hey, I let you in on things here and I don't have anything that opens you up to me so you have to personally do that. Please talk to me hun, I will always be here for you cause I don't plan on being anywhere else.

You love me you love me you love me you love me you love me you love me so much.

Luna Love

Random thought, such a random thought. When we get a kitten, can we name it Luna? I think that is the most adorable name for a kitten. Especially a girl kitten. I'm excited for our own place! So excited. You've been saying such kind things to me lately. You've been making me feel much better about all the things that I just have trouble with. I really appreciate everything. Sunday is going to be a wonderful day.

Bumming

Valentine's is supposed to be a good day for those who are in a relationship. Yet why am I so not in the mood for it? Cause I don't get to see Deric and all I'm reading is all these stupid stuff about how everyone is going on surprise dates tomorrow and getting to see their loved one and blah blah. Here I am at work all day. My Valentines is going to be working and stressing all day cause of the district walk, then I'm gonna go workout, then go to bed. Yay, great day there. Then Saturday is gonna be opening at work, then studying all day. Sunday is what I'm looking forward to cause so far it can happen unless his work changes and Deric works Sunday. Ugh, just not in a happy mood right now, really bumming. Yup, bumming