Hurt

So it would be nice if i wasn't being basically ignored. Deric was supposed to work till about 3...its now like 10:15 and i have not heard a word from him. I wouldn't care if he called and said he would be working all day and us hanging out wasn't going to be able to happen. I would have been fine with that! He would have at least informed me what he was doing. But no...i haven't heard from him all day. I don't know if hes working still and i don't know anything. I am a little more than irritated, i am slightly pissed and its making me feel like crap. I am not even worth one phone call. And i am pretty sure that he probably had a small break in the basically 12 hours that he has been working so far. GAH. First time hes made me kinda pissed, and a little hurt. :/

Human Nature

Life is an emotional roller coaster, it really is. You never know when your going to be happy or when your going to be sad. You could be angry one second and joyous the next. Life is always a surprise, that's why humans are not allowed to see the future, as much as we all may want to, we cant. For a young thing like me, the future is scary. I couldn't be more terrified. Will i become a vet like i want to? Will i get into MSU in the future? Will i have a family? Is the guy i am dating now the one who i will be with forever? All of these things are on my mind every day. When something seems slightly different emotionally, i take it as something huge. Which in the end messes up with my emotions because in the end it turns out to be nothing and i have just freaked out over nothing. But lately my dreams have been calming me down, they have never failed me before and they certainly haven't stopped yet. My dreams have always been right, even when i never understood them until the future. My subconscious seems to know just about everything and when i go on an emotional roller coaster or freak out...they always tell me just what is real and that what i am worrying about is something silly and not worth worrying over. Humans are emotional, we by nature are. But our bodies do things to help us. For me, my dreams calm me down. I have learned to always listen to them because they are always true.

A Rant On Boobs...Literally

Being selfconcious about things sucks and it just makes me angry. It isn't like i dont have boobs, i do. Honeslty i do, i have 36 B boobs. So not terribly small..but not amazingly big either. I dont wear shirts that show them off all of the time, i barely even have shirts that show them off. I'm not someone who likes to walk around half falling out of my shirts. I dont own large masses of low cut shirts, i tend to be a more modest person. I don't like push-up bras for the fact that they are fake and, this will sound really weird but its my way of thinking, I don't want someone to walk up and grab my boob whether it be a boyfriend, friend, or some random ass dude, and have them grab hard padding. If anyone is to grab my boob i want them to grab a boob, not a bunch of padding. Also you can tell when people wear push-up bras because their boobs make that butt crack and if they dont have like DD boobs, then that really isnt possible, aka they have help from a bra. C boobs dont do that, and mine for sure will never do that. So why would i be like hey everyone, look at my fake, pumped up boobs. What you see is what you get with me. I hate when people dont do that though, the ones that do pump up their boobs very obviously and deny that they do because they have C boobs...boobs dont make butt cracks like that! There are also the people that wear the big time low cut shirts and just flaunt themselves...i hate it. I may hate it because i can never do that, i wear a low cut shirt and it looks the same basically and i dont wear push-up bras. Some may have barely there padding but thats all ill ever wear. Then you got the people who insult my boobs...the people that hate me and the people that caused me to be insecure about my boobs. But then, thankfully, you have the person who loves me no matter my boob size. Even if he were to see the perfect "guy" boobs, mine would still be better. You have no clue how much that means to me....and how much something like that can make me feel better. It isnt like i need to hear things like that all the time...but it really helps me to feel good about myself. If i can be perfect to atleast one person, the person i want to be perfec for, the guy i love with everything i am, then that is all i need. Even if i may not view them as good at all...atleast the love of my life does, which in turn helps me to love them once again too.

Personal Days

I don't know what these feelings are today, they are so frustrating. I'm feeling kinda lost, confused, just plain weird, and for some reason unloved which i know is complete and utter bull...but that's how i am feeling. This all is probably due to the fact that i am on my period and i have been kinda stressing a bit over little things. But i am at least telling Deric how i feel about things, which i am glad that he doesn't get angry at me for them and he answers them kindly. I think the unloved part is the fact that Deric is taking a him day which makes me feel in turn like he needs a break from me and that he doesn't want to see/be near me. But i know that isn't true because he loves me very much and he always shows it and he even said that he loves to be around me. I know that we all need our personal days from our partners, but for me those days are hard....especially when my emotions right now are very up and down. I love seeing him, i really do, and the days that i don't get to i don't like all too much. Now i am starting to sound clingy...ugh...um, i am not trying to be clingy and i hope that Deric doesn't think that i am clingy cause i am really trying to not be. I just really love him, and honestly, i get afraid that i may lose him. I think that may be due to my last relationship because its around now that things probably started to take a turn for the worst (months wise), and for his last relationship this is about the time he broke up with the girl...who went crazy. I just feel like right now has tension (the 10 month mark) for all those reasons. But I love Deric to death and i do not ever want to lose him. I don't think i could handle that.

Idea!!

So i got an idea for a present for Deric, i have an idea when for, probably our one year, but i am loving this idea. I wont say exactly what it is because i don't know if Deric still reads this or not. But it involves a book and pictures and art. Yay!!!! You may have guessed what it is, probably, but in my mind its going to turn out GREAT. I had some really good ideas for it today...but when i finally got a chance to work on it, mainly because Meijers is stupid with its pictures with the whole copy right business....poo on the law...it was like 10 pm. I have school in the morning and something for AP Lang to finish up(another HUGE project). So i have not gotten the chance to start it yet. But i am really really anxious to because from the ideas i have gotten today...i am going to enjoy making this and i hope Deric enjoys it to when its done. Yay for ideas!! They make me happy. :D

Voice Mails

I was just listening to the voice mails on my phone, considering this used to be my cousins phone, i was listening to the ones from her now current ex boyfriend....the ones when her and her boyfriend were really in love. These messages were really...idk....they struck me. They were cute and they really showed that he loved her. The tone in his voice was one that you cant fake, well...the ones from the beginning were at least. It just kind of made me think because of what he was saying to her on the voice mails.(I know, going through the voice mails  probably sounds bad...but i had to delete them...) They just broke up, i don't really know why this time because they broke up before, but from what i heard he seemed to really love her. He definitely made mistakes though and he was faaar from the perfect guy. But, at one point in time i think he really did try. Then i don't really know what happened. But idk, it was just another thing that made me think. I heard and saw from the beginning to the end, and i mean...i could kinda tell when things got interesting because the messages were....different lets say. But it kinda makes you think about what others have said to you and how things change sometimes and how you hope that that never happens to you again. And i really hope it doesn't because what i have right now is the best thing in my life.

In Love

I'm in love with you, deeply and madly in love with you. Everything you do makes my heart flutter and skip a beat. I cant stop thinking about you and it makes me so happy. I can't wait to see you again every time you leave. It makes me sad to see you go because i just wish i could spend every moment i had with you. You always make me soooo happy and i cant believe i have someone like you. You treat me right and you care about me. I love you more than you can ever believe. I think it's more than i even know because i haven't ever felt like this before. I love you, i love you, i love you. Deric, i have no words other than those three to describe how i feel. One day i will find something greater, and when i do i will definitely tell you. Deric, I love you. <3 <3 <3 ^-^