In Desperate Need Of Female Friends

Reveling in thought, emotion, and music. Suppressing some thoughts, things id rather not think about. Like the ache i have for friends. My friends aren't here, i need to make new ones. Much fuckin harder than it looks. Reason why i one, have a much harder time befriending a female, and two, why i hate being able to make quick friends with guys. I need female friends, i need the gossip. I am a girl for peat's sake. And i need people who Deric wont be uncomfortable with. Hell, if I'm with a guy by myself I'm generally weary because i seem to not have the best luck because it seems people always step over the boundaries or say something they shouldn't. They don't understand that i am taken and have no want or need for them or anyone else for that matter. I just want someone to talk to really...and be available when i am bored with nothing to do. I mean, I go to school, then i go to work, and Deric goes to work, then i get home, do my homework, and go to bed. On my weekends, i go to work, and while I'm still at work Deric goes to work so when i get home i either study, read, do homework, or sit by myself in my boredom. I know i have friends, but i want ones that are in town cause none of mine are. I love Deric to death but he isn't always available, and Eric is usually working as well as Hoss, and Danny...whom I'm less apt to see alone....so I'm stuck. Guys open up much easier then girls do though so it is much easier to make friends with them, girls are stuck in there niches and very rarely bring others in. Girls can be mean to, and less or more trusting depending on the situation. Sigh, this is a pointless rant. I'll get to the point, it is hard making friends, well, ones that will hang out with you at least.

Listening to the glitch mob, the music tugs at different emotions, its very strange, but i like it.

Just finished all three 50 shades books. OMG I LOVE THEM. They are so good...i could go one forever about them, so so so so good!

Bragging A Little

"Fist pump" I'm doing awesome in college. I got an A on my psych test, then i looked online to see if my bio test was in and guess what? Got an A on that to! got a B on the lab practical but my overall grade is a 92 so fuck yeah! I was so proud of myself, which, it may sound weird, but i think its kinda hard for me to be proud of myself. Like it is and it isn't. I will admit it, but when i get something like those awesome grades i am so happy with myself but i crave the approval of someone else. I will admit that. I like it when people tell me how well I'm doing...well certain people....family gets annoying after awhile cause you hear it all the time. lol. But like friends or Deric, i feel even better when they tell me they are proud of me or something along those lines. Plus i am not always sure what to do with myself when I'm proud of myself. I wish i could give myself a giant hug or something or reward myself in a cool way that doesn't involve me having to spend a bunch of money. That's something else I'm not always too fond of, spending needless money, if other do it that doesn't bother me really, its when i do. But i bought myself Chinese today. Very yummy. My mood right now is great. I'm comfy, relaxed, loving the feeling of fall, and content. Life right now, besides the small downs, is actually pretty damn good.

Happy

I think i could relive this moment forever in my mind. Just me and Deric, cuddling on his bed under the sheets, him cuddled up into me, while listening to a mixture of Mumford and Sons and Florance and the Machine. I was upset, overwhelmed, and Deric was comforting me. While he snuggled into my side i was just thinking and he was watching and cuddling. He would smile periodically and i asked him what was up and he said he was happy. Happy. A small smile went with it. This smile and those words mean everything to me. The sereneness of the moment and the calmness of it made it that much more. I want to relive this moment again, i know i can, i hope i get the opportunity to.

I read the first book of the 50 shades series. It was so good, very tantalizing, frustrating, and such a good read. People are giving me a lot of crap for reading it, but i don't care at all. I loved the book. The ending was so sad though! GAH. But in a weird way, i can relate to the book a lot and his has made me really think.     It is so peculiar. I don't know how to explain it.

Never Again

A little peeved with people at the college....like seriously? Lets be immature why don't we and talk about someone and basically be mean about someone who doesn't even freakin know you or even talk to you. But you know her because someone made a big deal about her long ago so you know her and who she is and laugh at her behind her back. WTF. I hate people. So never again. People tend to piss me off a lot if you couldn't tell.

I Decided

So, my weekend was pretty good. I went to the Irish Festival 2 days in a row and got to see Gaelic Storm, so freaking good. I just wished that Deric could have been there, i miss doing things like that with him. Then afterwards we all went to Tyler's house and just laughed our heads off at so many random things, even if it was stupid and makes no sense now why it was so funny, it was all so worth it. I also got to spend time with Livi earlier that day. That was nice. Then Tyler gave us all a proposition to think about, and i have thought about it, and i thought maybe i could, just maybe i could get over myself and be fine with it because it is with my friends and all....but as i think about it more, I don't think its going to happen. I'm still uncomfortable with it, and i do not want to put myself in a position where ill be ungodly uncomfortable and it'll end up being the most awkward thing of my life. Plus, i don't need it and i don't need to do drugs. I honestly barely have enough time for myself, my work, my school work, my friends, and Deric that trying to add yet another thing into the picture seems kinda dumb to me. I'm not going to rag on pot, but i am going to say that it isn't for me and i know that and i think I'm ok with saying that finally. I just, I'm glad i finally made a decision about it, i just hope people are ok with that.
Way off topic, but i really want to spend the night at Deric's, i miss his cuddles and the loving i get from him. Even though i just came from his house, i miss him already. I love him so much, it's almost ridiculous.
Birthday on Friday. :)

Not A Good Day

I stayed up late doing homework last night. Like 1:30 instead of midnight like i normally do. I got sleep after that but before i fell asleep i started getting a headache, which i still have today and i think its more like a migraine. I can't concentrate worth shit. For some reason the past few days I've been feeling nauseous and today its been really bad. Food hasn't been appealing. I'm frustrated with myself and others and i really do not want to go to work for 6 hours today. It's going to be dead slow and pointless. I want to do my homework, i want to cuddle and get a lot of loving, and i want to sleep.

College And Its Surprises And A Little Of Life

I don't really know how to start this one cause i want to talk about college but i also want to talk about tonight. I think ill go with tonight first, just cause i feel like an understanding is still not there...

So, as i said in a previous post, Deric said he is quitting, i don't really know for how long but for now he is...besides tonight cause its his friend's Eric's birthday and i guess when its a birthday or celebration that's just what you do. I will always worry about it though, no matter what. I still am not comfortable with it, i never got the chance to fully be OK with it. Not that i want to have that chance cause in truth i would rather not, but it will always make me a little worried that night or a bit uncomfortable to talk about. I just want everything to be ok and have nothing go wrong and have Deric be safe. Even if it does make me uncomfortable i will support you and I'm not gonna blurt out and say no you cant. I wont do that to you. I just hope that when you say you aren't/wont do it you really are and that when you say only a little bit and nothing huge you mean that to and that's actually what you do and you aren't saying that just to make me feel better because it would make me feel worse if you did. But I do love you very much and no matter what I will support you and love you and do my best to understand. I will always do my best.

Now college, definitely a place of strange happenings. People i thought i wouldn't even talk to now could be possible friends. The people they are associated with hell no i will never say a word to. But being in my class and all and them not understanding the work and me being able to help, I have a little group of people in my math class now. The guy, Nick, from the garden club who's in my math class....it was so nice to sit next to someone who actually talked to me today, that class was kinda lonely...is my friend now. While working after our professor let class out today on a worksheet that is due Thursday...we got it done btw....Jeremy actually came up and sat next to me and asked for help. I give him a thousand props for that, being who he is and who is girlfriend is, i thought that took a little guts. I do not have anything against him personally, just who he is with. So i helped him and me, him, and Nick worked together. The class is no longer lonely and i may have made an unexpected friend. College is, strange. Then on my first Psych test i got an A on the multiple choice part. Yay! I do have to be more careful though because i answered D on one question instead of B when i knew the answer was B.....my dyslexia made me get the answer wrong cause i filled in the bubble i thought was B. I just have to catch that when it happens. But i was so proud of myself for that. Now i just need to get all A's this term and I'll be awesome. Haha.

I'm gonna head to bed though cause it's 1:30 and I'm tired and done with homework and i have Bio in the morning. So night.