Facebook Makes Changes

Huh, this is mildly weird and an eye opener to me about how i am. Kat sent us a message on facebook about how her home life is right now. Saying how her mom and Stew (her uncle) are always fighting and Stew is terrible and the only reason they are there is because her mom can't afford a house on her own and how she says she will move once both Kat and Jake are in college. Home life is terrible etc etc. Responses to the message is that everyone is there for her and that she can come by anytime if she needs to get away and that she does not need that kind of thing right now. I'm reading this thinking...hmmm..who's life is similar to this right now. HMMMMMMMM. Maybe it's my life? Bingo! And guess what? Not a single one of them know about it. I don't need the sympathy anymore. I don't want it. From certain people i don't mind it, but it really is not something i want from them. I don't even know how to respond to the message because I'm like wtf do i say? In all honesty, I'm a hard person. I may seem kind and friendly but in reality I'm hard. I think that's the only reason why i can get through everything and still be sane to some degree. If i get all soft and mushy about everything that goes on i don't think i could handle it. Then again holding everything in doe snot help either because it eventually blows up in my face, but thats also why my friends know nothing of whats going on at my house and in my life. I hold it in and tell no one. Deric knows and Eric knows but really other then that no one does. Katie at work found out one day by accident when we were talking and she looked at me and was like, "Oh...I'm sorry..." she didn't know what to say. I have to brush some things off. It's the only way i know to do things. Talking about everything makes me more upset sometimes. It makes me more angry then i am, holding it in does to though. I'm just confused as to if i give sympathy out right now for people in an sorta similar situation when they don't know about mine. Like for once in my life...i dont know what the hell to do. It seems so damn simple but i just don;t know because i haven't asked for sympathy and help and support. Why give it all to someone else? God i sound mean right now. Know that that is not how I'm meaning to sound. Maybe I'm being realistic maybe I'm being harsh. I don't know. I just realize that I'm not a very open person and that I may be a little more hard then i thought i was. Maybe more of a loner then i realized......

You

I love you so much. I just want to be in your arms and feel warm, cozy, and safe. You mean everything to me.

Falling apart. Stitch by stitch it's slowly happening. Does anyone even notice? Probably not. I act fine when I'm around you all, or as fine as i can be. But I'm stuck here, at this place which i should cherish. But i don't. All it does is hurt. Everywhere hurts. Few places feel safe anymore. Little to none. Losing an already lost battle. Picking up the pieces may not be possible. Something already broken long ago cannot be repaired. Thinking too much. Dreaming as i sleep too much of the things that scare me. Lies i may be told things i think of as alright. Slowly becoming nothing but an empty shell. Oh the secrets i keep. If the world only knew. The things that go on inside, all the words dying to be spoken. All sit for a chance that will never come. Falling farther from what once was. Hoping to never hit the bottom of the chasm.

Yay

I impressed Zizak today. I have SO much homework due today and am so far behind yet i feel like I accomplished something. I think i earned brownie points. Haha. Good feeling.

So Far Behind

Well did what i could of my homework. aka like 4 out of 10 problems. I'm so behind and i want to cry. I guess I'll just stay after today and get help on the questions I don't know how to do. Today is just sucking but at least i feel better. I feel weak but better. I'm just super behind.

I have homework due today and some due tomorrow......but i feel like shit and can't concentrate on it. GAH why does this happen to me

I'm A Mess And I'm Sorry

I don't want to snap at you, I'm sorry that i do. I'm just so stressed and frustrated with the world. I know it isn't an excuse but that's why. I love you so much and i keep fearing that me snapping at you and being stressed and being not relaxed is going to scare you away. I don't want to be so messed up that you leave me. I always fear that I'll be the one to mess everything up and when i get like this i feel like it could happen. It scares me cause losing you would hurt so much. I mean, i had a dream that you had a fiance and it hurt a lot. And that was a dream. Just know no matter how i get that I love you with all my heart. Some days I'll need you to just talk with me or walk with me. Some days I'll need you to hold me down, make me stay, and tell me how much you love me cause I'll need it. Thank you for working with me and helping me. It means a lot and i know you love me and that makes me happy.