Wooden Doors

There is a weird emptiness that I am feeling right now. Whenever things like this happen, something very bad, there is a solid wood door that I shut my feelings away with. Like a form of protection. The door doesn't budge even if i want it to. Everything i am feeling i can feel it brimming, churning, bubbling just beneath the surface. I distract myself with things and i have no thought to think. I am surrounded by..... nothing. My sister, my beloved sister, her pain went too far today and she did something that could have really hurt her, luckily it was not an extreme pill. It was nothing that she needed out in the next few seconds or death would a cur. But it was the action. No being is worth that much pain to put onto yourself. No one. If they cause it is their own damn fault for being who they are. They are terrible creatures. Not you. Over time i have learned that not everyone is a true friend or someone who truly cares about YOU. People are selfish and don't understand the weight words can have on an individual. If what they say to you is true, it should make you re evaluate how you go about life because if more than one person says something then their could be truth in it. But when someone is an ass, when someone is bent on making you hurt and does not care for your well being because, well, they suck, they are not worth even worrying or thinking over. And NO ONE is worth hurting yourself for. We all feel pain and some handle it much better than others. I hope never again to be told what i was told today. I hope to never have to rush to an ER for that reason. I hope to god I do not see that kids face again. The one that hurt her. He will wish he never saw me. I protect my family and those i care about. It pains me to see them in pain. I held it together to be strong for them, for her, to show her love and support.


The dam broke and the door opened.

Sometimes things in my mind are better left there. Better left unsaid.

I am frustrated right now.

But i will not say much about that.

I find waiting till I have cooled off to say things is the best coarse of action.

That way you don't say anything you'll regret.

Plus you'll have a cooled off head.

Plus I am hungry, so that doesn't help.

Drunken Love

Its funny how drunken conversation can be so reassuring. Talking about things that are rarely talked about when we are sober is strangely nice. We can talk about the dirty things that are hard to bring up and things about the future that are greatly reassuring and bring a lot of hope. There is a lot of love in this relationship and a lot of understanding and a lot of hope. We just have to wait for those days in the future that we are oh so waiting for.


For me, I am happy. I am me. I think i finally can let go of the things that hold me back. I don't even take a second glance of the things that i could care less about. It's enlightening.

ITS OK

I didnt get the job....and thats ok
I dont have the perfect life..and thats ok
I dont have big boobs....and thats ok
I dont wear makeup.....and thats ok
Im not perfect..and thats ok

INTERVIEWS

So today i had an interview for department supervisor in receiving. I felt really good about it. Said all the right things i think. It would be by some miracle though that id get it now that i know who all applied. Id be at the bottom of the list. Now im feeling dumb for getting my hopes up. Why would they pick me? Those other guys are way better than me. Much more qualified. Ill go in when im called expecting not to get it. It would be nice but knowing Mike he wont pick me. Getting an interview was nice at least, more experience i guess. I just dont want to be stuck at the desk forever. Im good at what i do and im afraid its made me too valuable to move. That would suck. Who knows though...maybe there's a miracle in my future.

4 Years Have Gone By Already???

Doesn't seem like it but today is our 4 year anniversary. Like holy crap that's a long time. Like Deric said we have been through a lot. A lot a lot a lot. We have dealt with crazy people, crazy exs, bad friends, loss, gain, winters, moving in together, family drama, schedule changes, job changes, school, arguments.....and so much more. Deric makes me happy, simple as that. I love him and I always will. He is the absolute greatest guy. Even the cat loves him. Haha.

I Do Feel Bad

To be honest I do feel bad for snooping. I do. I know i shouldn't have. But at the same time I know that my something when something is off it is. I can feel when you feel uncomfortable. I have a crazy intuition. I know when something is off, and you don't always tell me. I trust you but when i get that feeling its hard to ignore and well...i investigated on my own...and found what you wouldn't tell me. You didn't do anything wrong, but i like to know these things. You see, when i know something is wrong I know, when it is bad enough i even know what people will say before they say anything. I get a feeling then words in my head and then they are always the same as what I am told.  It's like...idk...I can ever so slightly read minds. I still struggle with trust. I'm still struggling. I'm sorry I am. But like, my fears are very outweighed by how much I love you. I was angry at first but then i realized that I love you so much. I can't imagine you not being in my life. I love seeing you every day and falling asleep with you every night. You make me so happy. And i realized this means so much more to me than anything. I mean anything. I would do anything for you. The thought of you not being with me scares me. So..I am sorry. I do trust you that you didn't do anything. But know for the future that I can tell when something is off so please tell me.