I Seriously Wonder Sometimes

Dude, I seriously do. Kinda that put my hand on my head, think about life, then kinda wonder how sane things actually are. I mean, if you are anywhere near my home, you would understand what i mean about the sanity of things. My house is crazy, my mother is insane, bipolar if you ask me, but like you know how the Christmas season is about loving people, being with family and friends, putting aside differences and getting along? Yeah...my mom likes to preach that that's what shes all about but in reality she breaks every Christmas thing. Shes been the most insane that i can remember her in the 18 Christmas seasons that i have been alive for this year. Like i cant really even talk to her normally because some how i do something wrong and offend her and end up getting screamed at for who knows what. And usually it is mainly me that gets yelled at because i am the oldest and all that crap it seems. Makes me really anxious to get a job so i can move out and into a sain house. Hoping i get this one at Home Depot, but like always i go to the interview then think afterwards that i screwed the whole thing up and I'm gearing myself up to not get the job. Even though its only Monday and i can hear from them anytime this week or next, for things like this though i find it better to agree with the negative. So all this stuff has made me not in the nest of moods for this season, but I'm dealing as i will. PLUS there is like a HUGE chance that there will be no snow for Christmas, that's putting me in a very dark place right now according to Deric. It made me laugh, but yeah i am rather upset by this cause i want the snow. I love snow, i want to play in it and just sit at night looking at the stars while laying it in and watching the big flake fly down in the peaceful silence. I actually really want it to snow. But on a positive note, me and Deric are going to GR on Wednesday for a date day and we are going to the Frederik Meijer Gardens to see their Christmas trees from around the world things. It's my Christmas present from him. I think that will be a lot of fun. I hope Deric's doing ok though, he has been a bit outta it the past few days, mainly today, he asked me to explain but i wasn't sure how, finally thought of it, he seems really distant, like there is something on his mind or something else but not sure what that it. It could be he just has gotten too much sleep or not enough, not really sure, but i hope he is alright cause he means the world to me. But for now i am going to bid you all goodnight cause its like 1:30am and i need to be getting to sleep if i can. I have things I gotta do in the morning.