Low Point

I've had an off week. Between home, school, and work. Home has been frustrating to say the least. Me and my mom yelling then me and my sister...all because they say something about someone they shouldn't mention. Their brain to mouth filter apparently likes to malfunction. I can't ever relax and calm down, I'm always somewhat uptight because its hard to be calm and collected at my house. Then there is school, oh joy school. I'm lonely as fuck half the time. The friends i make in class i never see besides class so the hours that i sit by myself are well....by myself. The only thing that's nice is Tyler Karum and he group he hangs out with, they aren't bad people in any way shape or form. Then also Frutchey when i see her. They make it a little better. Karum's group makes me laugh and I'm accepted just like that. They all talk to me and laugh with me, It's nice. It isn't hard trying to become friends with them and there is nothing i need to worry about with them. Although i am hoping that with my gym class starting i can make a few more friends. I've already made 2 kinda and one i see sitting around a lot so there is promise. But all the people that just come up to me are seemingly normal but then of course they are either freakin drug fanatics or gang members....i attract the worst people and i don't know why. Wanna know how i attract them? I sit by myself. It's so dumb. The other day i felt so lonely so i went someplace else to get away from the student union because i was lonely and people i don't like sit there and stare at me from time to time. I sat at a table by myself and listened to my Mumford & Sons radio on Pandora. Wondering if someone normal would sit next to me for once and id make a new friend. But alas, that never does happen now does it. I miss my friends, i can't just call someone up and be like hey lets hang out, no, i have to wait for them to come into town which isn't that often. The only friends i have like that would be Eric right now. Normally i would say Danny to...but after recent events....no not really. Other then that the other people never respond to my texts...no one does anymore. Livi does, she always has, and i really appreciate it. When you are feeling lonely and no one texts you back....well....it makes you feel that much lonelier and crappier. I've also been feeling so low about myself lately too. I have my low points and this is definitely one of them. I don't feel beautiful, or attractive, or anything honestly. I'm just me, a girl who is working for a living, going to school full time, trying to balance all this out with loved ones, and trying to stay afloat. And...it hurts sometimes. I know I'm a strong person, yet, I'm so weak..so overcome with self doubt. I want to cry sometimes, but i don't. I suck it up. Like tonight's possibility with Deric maybe going out with his work buddies to Envy. Might i say I am jealous of him that he has friends he can just go do stuff with and hang out with whenever. But i was nervous about him maybe going, not because i think hes going to go off and cheat on me or anything i trust the guy 100%, but because it was the big Halloween night so girls would be dressed as total sluts. Then he might see these really hot woman and think they are better looking then me etc. There are plenty of woman out there better looking than me and i don't want to ever lose someone to someone like that. I know Deric said he picked me....but when it comes down to it that nasty little voice in the back of my head says well, he can always pick someone else you know. And i know there is the look but no touch rule but what i try to get across is that i want to be the only person he looks at like that or even thinks about doing stuff with like that....i guess i just don't want him to fantasize about doing things with other woman cause idk...they are probably better than me. And i don't trust other people, for one the slutty drunk girls and two the people from his work i don't even know. I don't think they are terrible people i just don't really trust someone till i get to know them or at least have talked to them once. I don't know if i can say anything else here besides yes...i do realize this is a low point for me cause if it isn't i don't know what is then.