Turn Around

Things are looking up in a way, and I'm ok with it because its a good thing.

I got another review at work today. All was good. Nothing was bad at all. Felisha even said that she wants to look into making me a head cashier. Meaning that i will know that much more and people trust me more and know i can do things. I feel like once i went to the desk people really noticed me. I made a lot more friends because i interact with everyone now, people rely on me to solve problems and make people happy, i learned the paint department, i got employee of the month. People are noticing me and it is paying off. This makes me happy.

I've finally been able to start looking in the mirror and think of myself as attractive and beautiful. ALL of me. Even the things i have insecurities about. I don't know why all of a sudden i can do this and i don't know how long it will last. But what i do know is that I am not an ugly person. I may have smaller boobs but they are pretty damn good looking and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. I may not have perfect skin or perfect hair etc but what i do have is enough and it works for me. I'm doing things that make me happy. I'm trying to eat right, i go to the gym and stay in shape, i go to the beach and lay out, i get piercings and tattoos, i hang out with my amazing boyfriend and friends, and i finally think i have found my fashion niche. Like i think I've found what i like so i can stop trying to look ways that don't suit me. I know I'm not allergic to cheap metal so getting piercings now is a possibility and that makes me happy.....happy enough that i got my tragus done on Tuesday and its really cool. Kinda weird i will admit but i like it.

Something that was an even bigger turning point was something today. I won't say what it was or what happened but i will say that i saw something which made me not all too happy. BUT, i thought about it. I decided to have a little faith and to not let my issues get the best of me and run my life. So, I let it go. I am not unhappy by it, i am not anxious etc. I am calm, collected, and accepting. I don't want my problems to ruin me, my life, my relationship, my anything at all. So I'm not letting it and for once in my life i am not dwelling on it right now. I'm not even thinking about it really. I mean i am periodically but not in the way i did before. I think i can finally begin to heal a little. Hopefully that means trusting more and having more faith in you then i do right now. Maybe that would even mean for me to understand that you love me enough to never hurt me and to never do the things i fear may happen. You are not like that, you love me, you love me, you love me. That's all i need to know and I'm finally learning to let go and not let my issues get the best of me.

Summer is finally here i think and that makes me super happy. Many beach days and bonfires ahead. I'm happy Deric goes to the beach with me and drags himself out of bed for me. Maybe we can cuddle on the hammock next time we hang out. That will be nice. I also think i know what I'll make for him for our anniversary...its a long shot that I'm hoping i can make an idea come out of....cause if you didn't know i like making things. It's a cute idea i think and if it turns out right, well, I'll be pumped.

The only bad news is that i have shin splints. Fucking gym class did this to me cause everything was on cement. I'm mildly upset by it but I'm dealing with it and hoping it goes away soon.

On a final note. I love you Deric. You didn't call tonight which makes me sad but i guess I'll hear from you tomorrow which is way better then not hearing from you at all. I hope work went well/is going well and that you get home and sleep your little butt off. Goodnight my love, I'm off to pass out myself.