I'm Glad

I'm glad that you don't hate me after landing a low blow on you, even if it wasn't meant to be one. I'm glad that you can forgive me as quickly as you did and are able to tell me that you love me even if i did mess up a bit right then. I'm glad that you can actually tell me what i did wrong so i wont ever do it again. I'm glad that the happy times that we have had over power my screw up. I'm glad that this doesn't change our relationship at all. I'm glad for all these things, why? Because it means a lot to me because i do hate things like this and they upset me. Also when your heart is pounding like mad and you are scared, it's nice to know that something like this wont change anything.

Short But Sweet

"We love each other and we're happy...that's all that really matters."
                      Quoting Deric, might not be the exact fraze...but you get the point. <3

Sometimes I Wonder

Lately i haven't really been feeling like myself and i don't know why. A lot of worries that i used to have are coming back slowly....like how i look, a certain body image thing, the future, what he thinks of me, etc. And all of this is making me feel quite down, uninterested in things i most definitely should be interested in, and almost a little angry. Kinda like how my project i have been working on for awhile now to give to Deric for our one year, i was supper excited to give it to him...now I'm actually starting to freak out about it cause I'm wondering if t is a little much and I'm wondering if hell even like it. Also, all my past hurts, aches, and pains from my previous relationship are starting to again hit me. I was getting over them pretty well and now suddenly its like my walls just failed me. And my brain is starting to over exaggerate things. Like what it does for little arguments, its doing it with my relationship now. And this one thought is starting to haunt me again, "You're going to be the one to mess it up, you are going to be the one who destroys this great thing that you have." The only reason this thought is even there is because with my ex i thought it....and the way he said things, i WAS the one who was messing everything up. But i obviously know now that he was an ass and that is sooooooooo far from the truth. But still, it haunts me. I hate when i get like this and all i really want to do is cuddle with Deric and just tell him everything that I'm feeling, but i think I'm going to get embarrassed if i do because its rather stupid and hell think I'm a lunatic and possibly emotionally unstable which i don't want. Mainly for the fact that his ex was, and i don't ever want to be compared to her, ever. Shes the one person in life i can honestly say i hate because of the hurt she caused Deric. My rant could go on, but ill end it with the fact that i don't know what to do really. Sigh

The Power Of Words

Words are what tore me apart, and it's words that are bringing my broken mind back together. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me and how nice it is to know that you feel that way and think that way. Not in the way i previously knew that hurt me so much, but in a new way that is still slightly unfamiliar to me because of the mass amount of kindness that comes out of it. Thank you for being who you are. I love you, more than i could ever put into words or express.
Thank you.

Too Much?

I was just kinda thinkin...I hope that i haven't freaked Deric out or anything with some of these posts. I mean, they are kinda my exact thoughts and feelings written out onto this blog....and some are a little, idk, quick i guess. I mean, if i were to say some of these things to people they would laugh in my face and say good luck just because of my age. Why do I know this? Because it happened. My mom had asked me a question, i answered, her long time friend came over and for some reason my mom told her. She laughed at me and said that wont happen. Yeah...made me feel nice and embarrassed. But like, for Deric to know EXACTLY what I'm feeling about him and what i want for the future....i hope i haven't scared him off a bit. Cause i know some guys hear something like that and run for the hills because it means they are going to be tied down and stuck with that girl for forever. But then again....having him know what i feeling is a good thing to. No secrets and all. I like it because i get to be myself and have these thoughts and he gets to really know ME. But then again..have i said too much?

Frustrating!!

This is rather frustrating. I keep telling myself that at some point in life I'm going to have to live with these memories and I'm going to have to accept them for what they are and get over them. Its the part of letting them into the open hats freaking me out. Every time i try and am like OK i can do this, just let them threw and once they run their course they wont be as scary and hurt so much and they will be almost gone...but then every time i go to let them run their course, i freak out and keep them in the vault that they are in. I'm not really sure if ill ever be able to live with them if they aren't inside the vault. So as i said, rather frustrating.

Hair and Questions

So i feel bad about the talk about Deric's hair that we had last night. He wants to get a basically buzz cut, which will help him with work so he wont be insanely hot...but i know that in the beginning of the new cut if he gets it, i wont like it. I know that for a fact...I'm not a big fan of short short hair like that. Both of the Tyler's have gotten buzz cuts and W's I'm ok with now but I'm still iffy on Karum's. But I'm getting over the fact that their hair is suuuuuper short. I mean, i know what i like and what i don't. I don't like hair that short, but it isn't something that i cant get over. If it has to be that way then it does. Id rather Deric be cool at work then pass out and die or hurt himself. Id much rather have short hair then that. During our conversation though he made the comment of "I'm just not sure if your still going to be able to love me if i get my hair this short". Now Deric, i know your going to read this at some point...Ive learned that you will. Don't question whether or not ill be able to love you still again. I will ALWAYS love you no matter what your hair looks like or whatever happens in life. That is not something you need to ever question. I may not like something or may not totally agree with something...but i will always love you so please don't ever question that again. Now you cn go and do whatever you need to do with your hair, ill be fine with it in the end. Deric, I love you no matter what.