You Truely Care

The fact that you do read my blog, and the fact that you actually care about what i say..it means a lot. I'm not afraid to say anything on here or to you because i know that you'll read it/listen to me and acknowledge it and care about what i have to say. You aren't going to laugh at me if its something embarrassing, kinda like the other day at the beach. If anything was embarrassing..it was that, i don't think i could have been more embarrassed. Thank you for understanding and doing your best to make me feel not uncomfortable. It means so much. I know you care about me and what i have to say, you actually listen. And i love it and i love you for it. My last post you listened to and the post before that and so on. I kinda use this blog as a diary, but you and anyone else who really wants to(which is like no one..lol) can read it. But i think it helps you to understand me, its my deepest thoughts, wants, etc, plus i say exactly what I'm thinking on here. Thank you for listening and understanding...and being amazing. And thank you for telling me why you loved me. It made me smile..even if i was embarrassed...and it made my day. :)

An Unreachable Desire

So the way I'm feeling right now is, different i could say. Its partially due to the fact that I'm really tired, and partially due to the fact that my period is next week. And this one isn't going to be the nicest of ones. Its an emotional one but there is something more to it this time. Its like I'm feeling clingy beyond belief and i want a closeness that cant be obtained. I'm more agitated and the little things affect me more then usual, a little joke, a playful pinch, etc. All my mind can think is that it I want him to tell me how beautiful i am, i want him to tell me how much he loves me, I want him to explain everything he loves about me and why. Its a little ridiculous...ok, more like a lot of ridiculous. I want to have that I love you sex (Not afraid to say that on here cause i mean, i don't think many people read this if at all), i want to have that walk on the beach at sunset, i want to cuddle all day long with you. This is one of those times when I'd like to say I love you a thousand times and it still wouldn't be enough. This is whats going on in my brain right now..its crazy and complicated, and its hard to feel this strongly without letting my emotions get overwhelmed....which will make this one hell of a week.

Personal Bonfires

Tonight was nice. Me and Deric went down to the beach and the moon was out and reflecting in the water. Someone had even left a bonfire going so we had our own personal bonfire. It was really nice. Then the stars started coming out, the air was just right, the water wasnt half bad. We ran around, did this and that, all under the moon and stars with our own personal bonfire. Tonight was good. :)

I Am A Jerk

Geez, I feel like a total ass hole. Deric's car isnt working...and all I can think about is how im frustrated because that means we cant go to the beach even though I REALLY want to go. This probably makes me one of the worst girlfriends out there. Im a jerk and i feel bad baout my last post because that really doesnt matter now does it? Deric needs a car more then i need the beach. But all i can think about is the beach, what a selfish ass i am. God, if Deric is frustrated with me at all or angry at me for it i dont blame him...Id be angry at myself. Why do i have to be such a screw up?

Frustrated

God damn it i want to go to the beach. I was ok with it before, i understood, you needed sleep, it happens to the best of us. No problem...but come on. I don't have a lot of summer left and you have been promising or at least getting the idea in my head...then it doesn't happen because your tired or the weather is crappy. Again, first couple times i was ok with it, i was...but if it keeps on happening I'm not going to be ok with it, at all. Why? Well for one when i planned on a fun day outside and it turns into a cooped up day inside...i get antsy and it isn't a bad thing, but i prefer not to get that way cause i annoy myself then. lol. A few more times ill be fine with it..but after that not really. I had a whole last relationship where that was all that happened...we were going to do something but then i let him sleep...every freaking time. I do not ever want that again. It frustrated me then really badly. I don't want that to happen again..i hated it after awhile..Like i said though, if it happens here and there its ok. Sometimes ill need a rest day to. Completely understandable. But again and again and again....no not doing that. Please don't keep doing it. You said a couple of days ago that we might be able to go Saturday and finally go to the beach because you were to tired to the last few times you said we could go...now you might be too tired again. I don't want to have to beg you to go to the beach or go and you be half asleep because then you wont enjoy it and that's not fun if your not having fun. I just...idk...slightly frustrated

Learning

Since it's late Ive been thinking, not because it's late but because i really have nothing better to do. My mind kinda wandered back to the other night in the car. We were talking about why i had picked a certain someone out of the group to do something if that were to ever happen. You thought i had underlying motives to it because of her physical attributes. I honestly hadn't even thought about that until you had said that. And then that got us talking about that kinda stuff. And I think you kinda finally understand how bad my insecurity actually is. I mean just your statement to it said it all. "Matt really fucked you up didnt he?" (Or something along those lines). And I'm not afraid to say real names on here because i honestly don't think many people read this if at all. But just the fact that you are understanding the severity of this, to me, is nice. Well, bad at the same time to. But nice in the sense that you understand why i have a hard time just getting over it and being all, oh everything is fine and I'm beautiful and no matter how i look he'll still think I'm beautiful and amazing and perfect. I just...cant. It is definitely getting WAY better than what it was because i have someone who i know when he tells me I'm perfect and that he could love me no matter what size i was, hes telling me the honest truth. He really means it. I didn't have that before. I was far from perfect and what was said to me just killed me and I'm still hurting from it. Slowly though that hurt is going away, it will take awhile...a long while...but at least you understand how bad it actually is, and that for some odd reason makes me happy.

I'm Glad

I'm glad that you don't hate me after landing a low blow on you, even if it wasn't meant to be one. I'm glad that you can forgive me as quickly as you did and are able to tell me that you love me even if i did mess up a bit right then. I'm glad that you can actually tell me what i did wrong so i wont ever do it again. I'm glad that the happy times that we have had over power my screw up. I'm glad that this doesn't change our relationship at all. I'm glad for all these things, why? Because it means a lot to me because i do hate things like this and they upset me. Also when your heart is pounding like mad and you are scared, it's nice to know that something like this wont change anything.