And This Is Why I Don't Get Too Hopeful.....

Well....it was worth a shot, got hopeful, had a new plan that seemed like it would be possible to do, then i saw the requirements.....and they don't apply to me. I really did want to go to Aquinas, but the only way that would be possible were to be if i got yet another scholarship..or many more..or if i could attempt to get a full ride in a scholarship competition that they do. I was kinda excited and hopeful with the idea of possibly being able to compete in this scholarship thing. But they have fine line requirements that i didn't see till now, and unless I magically get like 4 points higher on my ACT score, or get even smarter and raise my GPA to like a 3.7 or 3.8.....i cant even enter the competition. Putting GPA and ACT score together there is a minimum of 61 points needed to enter. I only have 58, so basically i am not smart enough to enter for the scholarship. And here i thought that i was doing really well in school and that i was smart, according to college though that isn't the case. Looks like ill be going to MCC for my first two years of college for sure now. Definitely have a case of disappointment and I'm actually kinda depressed right now even. I always get hopeful, always, and i always end up getting crushed. Could use one hell of a big huge right now. I know I'm retaking the ACT tomorrow morning, but it isn't like I'm magically going to do so much better on it. I'm sad, mainly for the fact that i really thought i could get somewhere in life, things were really working out and falling into place. Now though, they fell out of it and i have to start over. Thank you for accepting me Aquinas, i would love to go to your college, but I don't have enough money to go to you and I'm not brilliant enough to apply for things that will help me go to you. So I'm sorry but ill have to decline. I'm not really going to say anything more about  this to anyone for a long while, even to my mother because i was hopeful and i feel like she'll laugh at me for even trying. I'll keep this info to myself and any of you who read this post will know it to, but other then that no one will. So MCC it is, I'm staying in town then which is good, gives me another two years to figure life out. But...i don't know if they have the classes i need....and I'm just sad about this. MCC is great and all, but i don't know. I want my giant hug.

The Onion Rings Smited Me

So just a recap on the good random things that have been happening lately, besides the fact that the onion rings that i had the other night I'm thinking were bad because the next morning my stomach was a disaster if you know what i mean. That wasn't fun, but here goes with my list of good things.
1. Deric CAN go to the dance now!!!!!! So excited!!! I get to dance with him for a long while and if you know me well enough you know how happy i am about this. I love dancing with that boy. So now i get to wear my dress and it does have a purpose, i get to look nice, and Deric gets to look sexy in his fancy clothes, and i get to dance with him and yay!! We just gotta figure out dinner plans and what not. And even if he can go to the dance...we are still going to Envy at some point. Then after the dance we are on TV for Tree on TLC. So cool!
2. I got accepted to Aquinas! Yay, it makes me feel accomplished and smart. And it makes me want to work even harder in school kinda. But it also kinda makes me wonder if that's just going to disappoint me cause i really don't think i can afford this school.
3. Aquinas did send me a $12,000 scholarship in the mail the other day. Really cool cause it was a merit based one. But i still have to come up with 18 thousand more to go...which sadly, I'm not really getting my hopes up for because it probably wont happen, but i guess its OK to dream. Just not too much cause getting disappointed over something this huge is shattering. That's why life is falling into and out of place, i get accepted, i get a scholarship...but i know there is like no way i can possibly come up with the money to go there, but i would love to go there. I have big dreams, but i don't have the resources to go anywhere with them.
4. I don't have to do the lighting for the play anymore cause Mike is a wonderful wonderful man and understands I'm busy so hes having Tyler do the lights. Thank you Mike.
So there are some good things in my life right now, well, i guess the good but the bad of some of them as well.

Another Thing To Check Off The List

Well Tree is finally over. It was my last one and i think it went mighty well. Its another last thing to check off the "since you are a senior now this is your last time doing this" list. Kinda makes you realize how quickly things are actually going by, its kinda scary. But it went well and i did get to see Deric for the most part all week. Which was nice, and i also got to see Eric and people i don't normally get to see all week as well. It was a crazy week though, i just was off for some reason, mentally, emotionally, physically, i don't really know what was up. I just feel like life is in a way falling into place, yet its falling out of it at the same time.
Physically i didn't feel to well most of the week. I kinda felt like i was fighting a stomach flu or something cause my stomach just felt terrible and it felt like i was going to puke, i never did, but i felt like it.
Emotionally i think i was just super tired and drained from not feeling good so i was a little emotional, plus my period is this week so that could have made it worse.
Now, the mental part was the weirdest of all. For some reason i just felt really really angry at nothing in particular. Anything i thought of i got angry about and i have no clue why. Then i watched a movie the other night and some things kinda made sense from that movie. The rest of this may sound strange, so if you aren't looking for strange you might as well stop reading. But here goes. I would think about the most random of stuff and get angry for no reason, then my thoughts got me upset over the things and people i shouldn't be angry/upset over. I mean i never voiced any of this stuff for the fact that it went away as soon as i thought it. So it isn't like it really went anywhere, but it was there. Then this movie happened. This woman in the movie was angry at her soon to be ex husband because he was an ass, cheated on her and then physically threw her out of the house. She then seemed to expect all men to hurt her just the same. Now, i could kinda relate this to my life. My last relationship really hurt me, wasn't to the degree as this ladies, but it did leave scars. And its almost like i have been waiting to be hurt again, like, waiting for that pain, hurt, frustration, and stress to all just come right back, thing is, it hasn't, and it wont. What i have now is not what i had before. I have an amazing guy who treats me right. He loves me unconditionally even when i am acting a little crazy. Even when i have snot running down my face from crying, and even when i feel like crap. He loves me for who i am, for what i am. He loves me for what i look like and how my body is, he doesn't need me to have huge D boobs for me to finally be perfect. I am perfect to him with the boobs i have. He gets proud of me when i do well in school, he is always happy to see me and he still wants to see me just the same even after we have been together for almost a year and a half now (really need to re-read these things sometimes cause it was definetly been over a year. Fail on my part). He makes me feel good about myself even when i have days when i look in the mirror and hate what i see. He helps me through the problems that i have with going out into the world soon and possibly moving a little ways away (This is because i got my Aquinas acceptance letter!!! Only going to be able to go there though if i can get the financial aid and money to go there, but if i could go there...i would really like to). Which I'm scared for because i don't want to lose this guy, he is everything to me. I couldn't bare to lose him. He likes doing things with me and being weird with me and just hanging out. My friends love him, my family loves him, my dog loves him, and most of all...I love him. I think back on the thoughts i was having and i wonder why in the world i was expecting to be hurt again, probably cause i never knew anything else, but then i think about Deric and just how wonderful he is and i know that i will never be hurt again. I also concluded that Deric is...I'm going to be a little cliche here....but he is my fairy tale. (Got that from the movie to) He is my happy ending. I love him so much.

I'm A Good Girlfriend

Well, like the title says, I'm a good girlfriend. So, this weekend has kinda been the kinda weekend where I am just not really in the mood to be around people. There are a select few i care to be around, and i just like being either with them or alone. Kat was going to have another movie party again tonight and I thought about going, but i was just not in the mood to socialize with people, even my good good friends. But i didn't want to sit on my butt at home, and i was kinda in the mood to do something, so I went over to Deric's house while he was at work and still is, and i cleaned his room. It was getting messy and i felt like it was a good thing to do and i actually enjoy cleaning now and then and i got to be by myself with music playing so it actually was quite enjoyable for me. His room is REALLY clean to. I put all the dirty clothes downstairs, so he actually has a LOT of laundry to do but other then that not much cause his rooms clean, cleaned up the garbage, tidied up papers and just the little messy things, i actually dusted a bit of stuff that REALLY needed it, changed his sheets cause i remembered he had said he needed to do that but hadn't yet, vacuumed everywhere, and in the end it looks super nice and super clean. I do hope he likes it.

Before Tree Begins...

To start off, I probably wont be on much this next week because it is Tree week so i will be at the Frauenthal all week, but ill post a picture of the tree on here because it is pretty sweet, and we are going to be on TV on December 10th at 10pm on TLC. So cool! We are getting to be on a program about extreme trees and since it is the tallest Singing Christmas tree in the world, we get to be on TV. Everyone in tree is excited to see it.
But life right now has been kinda interesting with a lot of ups and downs.
Ups:
Got to spend the night at Deric's again, it was really nice cause we actually slept ALL night long and went to bed at like 10:30ish. We cuddled all night long. It was so nice. He got us some water in the middle of the night because we both woke up really thirsty, then i ended spilling it all over myself cause i didn't realize how full it was. That was nice cause my shirt was soaking wet then. But it was really really nice. Deric also got to go to Thanksgiving with my family after having to convince my aunt. My family is kinda weird about things like that. Basically they believe if you are not living with your significant other you aren't serious. Which is so not true, me and Deric are very serious...and i think my aunt finally realized that so he got to go which was really nice. I got to hang out with my friends the other night watching movies, having a girls night is quite enjoyable. Oh, i also was able to get some Christmas shopping for myself done, as selfish as that sounds. lol, but me and my mom recently went to wet seal and a lot of the clothes i had previously wanted but didn't have the money for were on the sale and on the buy one get one for a penny rack. I was so excited. I got them all for really cheap and they look good. Plus i also found a pair of heels. They are tall, but cute and I'm excited about them. I never get new shoes, or at least new fancy shoes, so its a big deal to me. Plus i am also getting farther on one of Deric's Christmas gifts, which i hope he likes. I need to figure out what else to get him, or he needs to tell me what he wants. I kinda have another idea of something i could make, but i don't know exactly how I'm going to do it and make it how I'm thinking it in my head. I need to figure that out, and go to Hobby Lobby....they will give me good ideas. Something i do want to do though is take pictures in winter time, i like the look of the snow and the snow flakes falling in the pictures, i think its cute. I wanted to talk to Dawn and see if she could do some..but i don't think that's going to happen after last night. But ill figure something out cause i haven't taken any pictures in a long long while, so it needs to happen cause I'm having ideas and withdrawals.
Downs:
Well, like i had said i had a girls night the other night with my friends. Well during that i got a phone call from Dawn, she wanted to talk to me. So i went and met her at the Plaza parking lot, and as soon as i got there i regretted saying that i could talk. Its wasn't just her, it was her, her boyfriend, and Amelia. The last person i wanted to see. They wanted to break it to me that they were all moving in with each other come January, mind you Amelia is still in high school and one hell of a big whore. I think its the worst idea ever, but that s what they wanted to tell me but i had to tell them i already knew, as did the whole school. It just really awkward from there and i wanted to leave and be near people i liked again. I know in a sense i lost Dawn as a friend because i cant hang with her without Amelia being there, but after last night, I'm starting to be ok with it. I just felt weird being near them all, and i didn't want to feel that, so I'm actually starting to be ok with the idea of not being in that group of people anymore. I know that i have better people in my life then that. I have my big group of friends and i have Deric, those are the important people in my life. I don't need to deal with those whom i really cant stand and or don't care for anymore. I, well more like me and Deric, had a slight scare the other day, not going to say what it was, but for now its nothing to worry about it, but i still need to watch it cause there is still a possibility. So we are kinda dealing with that to, and i guess my feelings on it are a little confused. I know that i could handle it if that happened, i mean i would be rather upset for a long while, but i would definitely get over it. I asked Deric what he would do if it happened, and he gave an answer that i was happy with. I just needed to know that he would be there for me and help me through it. That he wouldn't run and leave me and that he would still love me even if that happened. Sometimes i feel like though that Deric might be angry at me or be unhappy if that happened, i know he wouldn't but sometimes the way he expresses the fact that its a negative makes me feel that way. That and i don't know how I'd feel about getting huge....it would be weird and i think I'd feel ugly a bit. Just, I'm rather skinny...so going from that to huge would be a shocker. My house has also been a bit crazy as of late. People yelling a lot more and what not and that stresses me out to a degree cause i like the quiet at times.
So, there is all that stuff. I feel like i had more to say, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm listening to a really bad remix right now that's on the radio. Um, if i have more ill post something else.

The Lets Punch People In The Face Kinda Day

Today has just not been going well for me, besides my morning which was wonderfully wonderful. Which consisted of me having a reverse have day which basically means we go to school at noon. So i got up at about 8:30am got ready, went and woke Deric up and we went to the Cherokee for breakfast again. That is always so much fun, i like breakfast with him. I got a stack of pancakes...we didn't know how big their pancakes were...so i got 3....they are like the size of a dinner plate. I couldn't eat them all. But that's ok. Then we went back to his house, cuddled, did some stuff, napped kinda, then in a way everything was suddenly quiet. Our talking, gestures, tone, it all was a kind of gentle, soft, loving quiet. It was in a way cute. I then headed to school and then school was school. I then had to set up for Coffeehouse, which is where my day started going down hill. Hal my stuff was ready and together, but the rest had to be done with a crescent wrench. Which no one happened to have. At all. So i was stuck, frustrated, and a little annoyed with the fact that i had no way to get anything finished. But luckily Deric showed up and saved the day. He helped me with my stuff, and we got it set up. But then we had a cable go weird and short things out and shock things and smoke and that was frustrating. Then he left for work and i eventually left to pick up my sister. Then i headed home, made my own dinner so i got dinner, then went to my therapy appointment. Mind you through all of this my mom and dad are arguing about who knows what. My mom gets into a pissy mood and blah blah blah. I get to my therapy session, frustrated, annoyed, and irked. Then guess what! She double booked that time...so i get to go in tomorrow after out half day. This is after she has cancelled on me twice already...making me really not want to go......then i just go back to the school, my mom drops me off and is just pissed about who knows what. I get to the school and the bad cable from before has shorted the circuit. Joy, that takes forever to fix, then sound has a bad cable and has to fix it. I'm just not happy by this point. Then i go to take my birth control...an guess what. I fucking hate people. Someone stole it out of my bag. It is no where to be seen. I just got so pissed and angry and frustrated because i don't need to get pregnant right now, not for awhile longer...like many years longer....and it isn't just all this that's making me upset. Its the fact that my mom and sister have been pissy the whole entire week, after my chiropractor appointment last week my back has been hurting so bad and i don't know why. Like it was ok before i went, now it hurts to the point where i just want to lay down, like I'm sitting here typing this and it hurts, really bad. To the point i may stop here soon cause it hurts to much. My week hasn't been totally bad though, i mean the other night Deric tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight and it was so nice and i wish he could do it every night. And we were talking about how he isn't going to the dance anymore but gets to instead spend time with me every day next week for a couple hours and he said hes excited about it. I am to because i love spending time with him, and when he said that i felt so nice inside. He still loves seeing me and he cares so much. I mean, I'm still upset about the dance cause everyone is talking about it now and i keep hearing songs i think would be nice to dance to, and i know we wont be able to go to envy for a long while....so i don't know. Ill deal though. I was also able to finally convince my aunt to let Deric go to Thanksgiving with us so yay!! I just, i don't know, I'm a mix of emotions right now. Happy, excited, angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, content, peaceful, fed up, its a lot of stuff. Also i found out recently that my once friend is moving in with Dawn and her boyfriend so now i feel like i lost another friend because i cant ever hang out with Dawn anymore because the one girl will be there and i don't like her at all anymore and never again will. I keep losing people and i hate it. I went through this once before and i would like to not go through it again. I wanted to see if maybe she would do me a favor but now i don't even think its worth asking, i just feel like our friendship has gotten awkward almost. Gah, life, stop messing with me and the people i care about. I would apreciate it.

So Many...

I don't even know what exactly to say here, i just have way to much to say, to much to get out on here, so much flowing through my mind that it almost seems impossible to get it all down. A lot has happened in a day, a lot.....For one, as it seems life is the most unfair thing on this planet. I sadly can relate this to a quote that is on a bathroom stall at school. "No one dies a virgin cause life fucks you over." I'm starting to wonder what degree of truth there is in this saying. Why is it always the people that have worked so hard and are struggling and are hurting that get screwed over? Why? Does life just enjoy making cruel jokes? Things like this make it so easy to believe in an evil, cause dear lord, it seems to be having its sick twisted fun. You see, Deric's mom had been laid off for some time and had finally gotten another job. This was a good thing because they had been struggling for money for bills and whatnot and Deric was the really only source of income. So her getting a job I think took a weight off his shoulders so he could not worry as much. But guess what? Life is such a bitch, she just got laid off again. Now Deric is looking for a second job and hes stressing out and worried yet again. A second job would be so hard for and on him, i know he wouldn't ever get much sleep and it would be stressful. He wouldn't have a life....Deric deserves to have a little fun in his life, and all of that is being taken away from him. He should be able to live without this on his shoulders, a person can only take so much and i cant bare to see him hurting. I know if he got a second job we would rarely see each other. That would be hard for us both. Then it seems to take other fun things out of life as well. He had promised me that he would go to the Christmas dance with me at my school, which happens to be the weekend after tree, Eric wanted him to do tree but he said no because he was going to the dance with me because he is not going to be able to get two weekends off in a row. But then this happened, and Eric can promise him a large amount of hours which means more money then he would normally make in a week at work. So to get the needed extra money, he is going to work tree, but that means no dance. Now, i love going to dances/dancing with him and this meant a lot to me and Deric knows this full well. He feels terrible for not being able to go, but what can you do? Things happen in life and there is nothing you can do about it even if you wanted to. "Things happen, it's ok, don't worry about it." All my answers to this switch in plans. But i will say this, yes i am hurt a lot, I want to go dance so badly with you, and it has been taken away from me. But that is not your fault, you cant control life, no one can. I am so very disappointed, yes. It hurts. I now have a dress that i am wondering what to do with now because i cant wear it to anything else now...it has no purpose anymore. I'm sad, for many things at the moment yes, but still. But you want to know what makes this all ok? You want to know? You didn't tell me you cant go because you just don't want to, you didn't say no because you didn't like dances and just didn't want to go with me, you never blew me off about this dance. I think you may have wanted to go to. You said you cant because life took a turn for the worst and you have to do what you have to do to keep your house, your everything. You took it to help out your mom, you took it because you had to. You were responsible, an adult, so very strong in my eyes, i honestly don't know how you can stay so strong. You said you couldn't go for the only perfect reason out there. So its ok. I may be hurt, but not as much as i could be. You are an amazing person, you are so so strong, you take so much on your shoulders that you shouldn't have to yet you do. You look out for your mom when you are old enough that you shouldn't have to. I can only hope that the reason Deric's mom has been laid off again is that there is something far better for her out there waiting. I can only hope. There are so many emotions running through me right now, its crazy. It's hard. But i do want Deric to know that i will always be there for him, no matter how tough life may get. I will always love him no matter what. Always.