SO Needed

Today was more needed than anything. So so needed. I got to spend the entire day after school with Deric. It was amazing. First we cuddled a little bit then we went to the district court office because we needed to drop something off there. Then we went and ate Chinese food, then we went to Home Depot and i bought a yellow and orange...i wanted a red but they didn't have any.....pepper plant and potting soil. I have been wanting to grow my own peppers because i love them so much. But then we went back to my house and we planted them together which was fun, I'm glad Deric likes doing things like that with me. Then we went back to his house and he had told me of an idea of coupons, none of you may understand but i know he does, so we made 7 of them for each other. It was a very cute idea. But then we watched a movie and cuddled. And we talked, and we had much needed talks. All i can say is that I love Deric so much, and i learned that you really do believe in me, and you think that i can do anything that i set my mind to. I also learned other things which we told each other. And everything was just wonderful. And what i said, i meant every word of it. Of everything. I love you and I don't want to be with anyone else every...i mean it. I love you, you truly are so kind and wonderful to me. You are absolutely amazing. I cant even put into words how i feel right now, im feeling a calm, im relaxed, there is a peace in me, today was so needed. I love you Deric, more than anythign in the world.

I Miss You

I miss you...so much. I just want Monday to get here as soon as possible. Then we can hang out all day long and we can cuddle and plant vegetables. I just really want to cuddle and talk to you and kiss you and get kisses from you, you know, the cute little things that you do? When you say amazing things to me that make me feel like the most wonderful, beautiful, and luckiest person on earth. Those things. I want those things. I want you. I miss you. I mean i still see you a lot of the time, I'm not saying i don't. Its just rather short usually, and we never get to have a lot of us time. I want that time, so bad, and i have to wait till Monday to have it. Things lately that I've heard, I've learned, seen, they just make me want to be with you more. I mean, I love you so much, your the most amazing person in the world. I've told you that before but ill say it again because its true. And with my final year in high school getting down to the wire I'm starting to have the realization of the real world, of never seeing these people ever again, of everything really. And I'm scared. Once POPs is over its all over. Everything is done, no more. That hit me hard tonight and i need you more than ever. You know what I'm feeling, you've gone through it. You understand my fright. I just really miss you.

You've Gotta Be Kidding Me

So, I think the lady who does the scheduling at Deric's work somehow magically knows my schedule and hates my gutts so she never schedules Deric to have a day off on the days that i have off as well. Like he hasn't really gotten a lot of Wednesdays off, but he has had a chunk of Tuesday, Thursday, and Sundays off. On the Wednesday i have off he gets Sunday off, a day i work, this week...he gets a fucking Wednesday off.....smack dab in the middle of the days i have off. I don't even have to study for anything anymore, all that stuff is done! SO I'm able to actually spend some time with him when we hang out.....which is like never....like legit hanging out. We may see each other for a few hours or something....but legit hanging out...doesn't happen too often cause I'm in school, and i work, and his scheduling sicks butt. Like normally this just frustrates me a little bit, i mean i have learned that we have pretty opposite schedules, idk why though, but this scheduling thing for next week is just making me livid. Like seriously, I'm fucking pissed off. Out of all the days possible.....you pick the worst fucking day to give him off....i go to school, then i go to work. I can be like, oh hi Deric, nice to see you for a quick minute, but now i have to head to work for the rest of the night...so have fun doing your thing...which you always do because our schedules are like this. This is just....gaaaaahhhhh......frustrated to a level that takes a while for me to get to. I know Deric can do nothing about it, it isn't his decision, but i hate his work a lot when it does this. I never get to spend real quality time with him anymore....i mean, hes working on spending more time with me after i talked to him about a few things and how i was feeling....but even if he is when things like this happen there isn't anything you can do to help the situation or even try to spend time with each other..cause you just cant at all. I hate it, so so much....I normally don't rant about Deric's work or anything like this usually...but this time its just like...really? Seriously? I don't know what to do about it....I'm at a loss for everything really right now.

Workin Out

Guess who needs to start working out again? This girl! I need to be in awesome shape for the summer, and I'm kinda getting a little bit more skin on my middle that i never really had before. No I'm not going to be one of those girls who gains a pound and is like...omg I'm so fat...yeah no. I'm not gonna be like girls who are skinnier than me and dieting either. Nope, I'm just gonna work out, get the extra skin, pudge, whatever the hell it is off and that's that. I just wish i had more time to do that. Cause if i had  a gym membership or anything like that i would be there as much as i could be. Working out at home can be a little awkward when people are around. They tease me about it. But hell I'm gonna do my best so i look awesome. Yup, I've decided that.

The Aftermath

Well, once tomorrow is done my stress level will go way down. Ill still be a little bit though for the fact that I'm graduating soon and all that kinda stuff. Plus ill be waiting for my AP test results in July...which btw, AP Chem did NOT go well, I don't think i passed it at all, If i did, then that's a miracle. Our proctor was terrible, yelled at us, just annoying. I had to bubble in a bunch of answers because we never got a 10 minute warning...it was just your done. I probably am lucky to get a 2 on it. I am upset by it. I just, i really wanted to prove something to myself...i wanted to pass it...and i feel like I'm letting not only myself down, but everyone who believed in me as well. I wanted people to be proud of me, and i wanted to be proud of myself.....and now that wont happen....it'll just be disappointment. I am far from someone who strives for perfection and perfect grades, but i like doing my best and having people be proud of me and i like being able to be proud of myself. Which, at the moment, i am not. Unless by some miracle i got a 3 on it, which if i did i would bust out crying. Now tomorrow is AP Calc, which i feel a lot better about because math is an easier concept to me and i got a solid 3 on the practice so hopefully i don't do too terrible on the real one and get a 2 cause that would make me cry too. I'm just, worried i guess, i have never in my life been this worried about anything in school, i normally never care this much. EVER. But now i am because it counts towards my future which i will make happen no matter what.
On another topic, i talked to Deric about this already, how i had been feeling lately about some things, and I'm slowly learning that when there is a problem, don't feel bad or afraid to say something to the person about it. Just say it and like this one, it'll slowly be fixed. I love him so much, even if i hadn't seen you very often or very long i know i was loved, i had never questioned that. I was just feeling unimportant i guess but you being your amazing self is fixing it the best you can. Thank you, it means the world to me really. And thanks for putting up with my stressed self lately and sticking with me and helping me because i have never been like this before in my life and its as new to you as it is to me. So thank you, that means a lot too.

AP Tests Make Things Impossible

And that would be why i haven't been able to post anything on here recently...I've been way too busy studying! I got a 3 on my practice AP Calc, a solid 3 and that can only go up so I'm happy about that. AP Chem though...not entirely sure yet...i did well on my multiple choice part but not too sure about the free response because i blanked on one of them which i should have known..so i can only hope for a 3 at the minimum. But all this studying has put a lot of stress on me and its just a lot to do. I'm trying to do my best, and i hope i can do that. I haven't been in the bests of moods either because I've just been trying to do so many things. I know i have been cranky and somewhat seeming depressed...I'm not I'm just tired and worried. And I'm sorry to whomever i have been that way to, once these things are done i will feel a lot better hopefully and have a much better mood. All i want to do is relax...have a nice relaxing day where i do absolutly nothing...but that cant hapen till these tests are done. Sigh, all i want is some cuddle time. And i know my moods are effacting everyone because i feel like me and Deric have had a few peddy little spats that if it wasnt for me they wouldnt have happened. I hate it when im like this. And its probably because im tired and stressed,  that i feel like im not as important as some other things at the moment. Its probably just me....but the way things have been the past few days thats how i feel. But the only saving grace i have is that Prom is on Saturday so i can look forward to some good time with friends and Deric and dancing and just having fun. But other then that...wish me luck....i need it.

Why I'm Posting This Late....Not A Clue!

For one its been a little while since Ive been able to post for the fact that I'm super busy right now with school and work and such. Secondly, I do not like this new design for the blog stuff....not that any of you reading this can see it...but i dislike very much. But either way I'm still posting so i should just be quiet. lol
Ill start out with a few things first cause i have a bazillion things running through my head at the moment. For starters, I have 43 days...about 42 now...left of school, that's counting weekends and none school days/half days. I'M ALMOST DONE!!!! I'm graduating soon!!!! I'm so excited, and nervous, and overjoyed, and scared.....the list could contradict itself and continue, but ill stop it there cause you get the idea. We got our cap and gown today, it fits perfectly, now i just need to get a white dress to go underneath it....and who knew getting that white dress would be this difficult....gah, that's one of my frustrations at the moment. But I'm getting a cord too! No sure if I already have said that on here...but I'm getting a cord, a bronze one which is lowest of the highest GPA's you need to get a cord, but hell, its a cord! People will see it and know i am smart and i worked my ass off to get where I'm at. Some people in my class have complained about what cord they are getting....they deserve a gold or they wanted a silver complain complain.....I always feel different from people this way, they are all complaining because it isn't good enough to them, its basically, to them, the dumb cord. To me, its a great feat and something i am so proud of. I'm not complaining, I'm thrilled. I wanted one and i got one and that's all that matters. That's kinda like how Maddie in my class was talking about the honors convocation, its where we get our cords given too us and scholarships are awarded there, and Maddie was saying how stupid she would feel if she went there to get her cord then ended up not getting any scholarships, she said she would feel dumb and idiotic, I wanted to look at her and say hey, I'm going to get my cord and i know I'm not receiving any scholarship like that so I'm going to do exactly what your putting down. That made me feel a little stupid just because she was bashing it so much....and here i am happy to go just because i know I'm getting a cord! Sigh, but everything is getting down to the wire now, studying for AP exams and getting final things in, etc. I'm worried about my AP exams, I'm feeling more confident each day, but I'm still worried about them...I hope i do well, I'm not counting on passing all of them, but i hope i don't make a fool of myself, I want to do well because then i can prove to myself that i can do whatever i put my mind to. I mean i know i can do that, but like, I really want to do well. I worried for those, and working like i do doesn't help with studying for them....it cuts my time and sleep and makes things 10 times more difficult, which irks me a bit because it makes me not do as well as i want to.
Yesterday i looked at the MCC classes and found that the class i had wanted to get into which was full at the time of my registering had one opening in it, and i got it!!!! YES!! I was so pumped about that, made my day yesterday. Plus i learned that this gym class i sign up for doesn't even start till October, so yay there too.
Going over my options in my head with what i can do once i graduate, It really would be nice to move in with Deric, I love him to death and his house is a great study environment and relaxation place. I don't know what his plans are or what he wants, but its just been a thought.
On the topic of Deric, Yesterday in the car he told me i was doing good, meaning with school, work, being with him, balancing study, my grades, everything really. He was proud of me and that honestly means a whole lot to me. I get even more proud of myself when he says that to me. I love him a lot. And i really want to take some pictures soon!!! And i don't mean Prom, which is in like a week and a half...i mean like cute pics of us kinda thing...i really want some.
But i think i got a lot of what i wanted to out, so goodnight world, see you soon.