Really?

I want cute, gentle, loving, kind words, the works. Romance baby, every once in awhile a girl needs it. Needs to hear how loved they are, needs to feel it. I need that right now.

Another note, so far this book problem has been averted, lets see if MCC cooperates with me..probably not but hell ill give them a bitch fit if they don't. I want to save as much money as i can when it comes to college. Alexis is letting me borrow her book for the semester, aka FREE. I need to return my book to the bookstore that i bought for $350 freakin dollars, i know they will give me a fit about it but i don't care. I;m not happy with this right now. Thank god i made a few friends at the college and they help me out with this crap.

People Are Generic, A Small Rant Post

So, i feel like everyone has tattoos nowadays and lots of them are really generic cliche and have no meaning behind them. People just get them to get them. That stupid infinity sign is like everywhere and it bugs me. Don't people realize that there is like thousands of other people with the same thing? There's nothing unique or cool about that. Ok maybe people will think my piece sign is generic but if you know me then you know that that is ME. It isn't finished yet, it still needs color, which will eventually happen but it symbolizes me. Idk, the way people get tattoo's now bugs me a little.

Hello 2013

He just tucked me into bed, kissed me, said goodnight. I think it's cute when he tucks me in, i feel like a little kid, but in a good way. Plus...i don't really have memories of being tucked into bed like this when i was a kid...maybe my parents did but i don't remember it really..but when Deric does it i feel special and cherished.   I'm a happy and very lucky girl.

Goodbye 2012

Goodbye 2012, it has been an interesting year. Your ending hasn't been my favorite but as of tomorrow, it will be a better year. I promise. I hope i can keep this promise. Also, as another resolution, i plan to have lasts years resolution start back up. And this time i will keep it. It's going to help me have a better year. Keep my mind in a sane place. Right now, i feel good. I have color in my hair, my ears are pierced...finally...plus in a week my winter semester of college starts. As crazy as i feel sometimes...i know i can get through anything, with help, i can do it. Deric talked to me today and even though we couldn't come up with an answer to my problem, i feel better. I got an answer i needed. I was feeling down on myself and felt like i was being pushed aside. But i know that isn't true now and that makes me feel better. So, for now I'm off to Kat's house to say goodbye to 2012. See you in 2013.

Crumbling

I wish i didn't feel this way.....I wish i wasn't so angry at everything and I'm not even sure why i am. The worlds finally caught up in my head and in reality. Seeing my friends makes me realize what i no longer have....I no longer have those friends in town, no longer have people to talk to like i talk to them, I'm alone while they make new friends and hang out and have a good time. While I go to work. Which i will not complain about because honestly as much as i sometimes don't like my job it keeps me sane because its getting away and talking to people that i like and who like me. I wish i could hang out with some of them. Like Liz, Abby, Mel, and Katie. I know the first three hang out a lot and i really like them...but they also have been working together for years and are older than me. I'm working on making friends but many people have their already established groups and it is hard for them to accept new people in. Like Alexis from bio...we talked a ton and shes an awesome person, but while talking she had said she doesn't really trust people and has only two really close friends because usually she pushes everyone else away. Only proves my point that even when i do try sometimes an outside school friendship just...won't happen and it has nothing to do with me. I get that and i don't pity myself for those circumstances because that's outta my control. But i wish i had that meeting new people making awesome friends experience, or at least could tell my friends something about my school and not just brag about getting good grades. Cause honestly that's all i got at the moment and I'm proud of myself for it....but i keep quiet about it because if i brag, even a little, people get annoyed with me, so i just stay quiet. I'm gonna miss everyone when they head back. I wish i wasn't stuck at home all of the time...i wish my home life was better and that i thought i could stick it for two years while I'm at MCC, but i don't think i can. My mind is going insane and i feel like I'm going to lose it. But question is am i ready are they ready and why am i so confused? Why can't life be perfect, why can't i feel fine and not be feeling this way and kinda scared. Yes I'm scared, for many reasons. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to feel broken because that's how I'm feeling and my fear is that being that way will..idk..make certain people love me less. Insecurities are blaring full force, reality hits hard, and...i feel like people would tell me to go see the psychiatrist again if they knew i felt this way...but i don't want to go back there. I want to be as normal as i can be, that's why i don't want to go there...Sometimes, sometimes, i wish i could have a drink in my hand and wash it all away. But that's a no go because i don't do that anymore, i promised, but sometimes i wish. I'm no longer that person though and i will never do that again, I won't throw my life away when I'm working so hard toward my goal. If i keep pushing i think i could do it, i think i could be one of the 108. I just gotta keep pushing, i can't back down, i have faith that i can do it. Sigh....on a good note, It's snowing out and it's the big fat calm flakes that make the world better.

Damn This Book

Yes I am venting about a book right now. This new series is good but it pisses me off and i get frustrated from reading them. They have so many ups and downs and i don't know if it is going to end the way i want it to that i have to set it down cause its addictive but really freakin annoying. GAH...if i was ever like this chick in this book id hit myself, she frustrates me. Although...i get where shes coming form which is the sad thing. Plus when i get frustrated it makes me do things that frustrate me even more...which i am learning not to do, slowly but I'm making good progress i think. Sigh..time to go to bed, i can't do this book anymore tonight.

Feeling Cherished

It's interesting how me reading these books makes me cherish what i have with Deric even more. What i have with him is something many people don't have. He always listens to me when i need to talk and his words are so kind. I think I'm the luckiest girl alive.