Crumbling

I wish i didn't feel this way.....I wish i wasn't so angry at everything and I'm not even sure why i am. The worlds finally caught up in my head and in reality. Seeing my friends makes me realize what i no longer have....I no longer have those friends in town, no longer have people to talk to like i talk to them, I'm alone while they make new friends and hang out and have a good time. While I go to work. Which i will not complain about because honestly as much as i sometimes don't like my job it keeps me sane because its getting away and talking to people that i like and who like me. I wish i could hang out with some of them. Like Liz, Abby, Mel, and Katie. I know the first three hang out a lot and i really like them...but they also have been working together for years and are older than me. I'm working on making friends but many people have their already established groups and it is hard for them to accept new people in. Like Alexis from bio...we talked a ton and shes an awesome person, but while talking she had said she doesn't really trust people and has only two really close friends because usually she pushes everyone else away. Only proves my point that even when i do try sometimes an outside school friendship just...won't happen and it has nothing to do with me. I get that and i don't pity myself for those circumstances because that's outta my control. But i wish i had that meeting new people making awesome friends experience, or at least could tell my friends something about my school and not just brag about getting good grades. Cause honestly that's all i got at the moment and I'm proud of myself for it....but i keep quiet about it because if i brag, even a little, people get annoyed with me, so i just stay quiet. I'm gonna miss everyone when they head back. I wish i wasn't stuck at home all of the time...i wish my home life was better and that i thought i could stick it for two years while I'm at MCC, but i don't think i can. My mind is going insane and i feel like I'm going to lose it. But question is am i ready are they ready and why am i so confused? Why can't life be perfect, why can't i feel fine and not be feeling this way and kinda scared. Yes I'm scared, for many reasons. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to feel broken because that's how I'm feeling and my fear is that being that way will..idk..make certain people love me less. Insecurities are blaring full force, reality hits hard, and...i feel like people would tell me to go see the psychiatrist again if they knew i felt this way...but i don't want to go back there. I want to be as normal as i can be, that's why i don't want to go there...Sometimes, sometimes, i wish i could have a drink in my hand and wash it all away. But that's a no go because i don't do that anymore, i promised, but sometimes i wish. I'm no longer that person though and i will never do that again, I won't throw my life away when I'm working so hard toward my goal. If i keep pushing i think i could do it, i think i could be one of the 108. I just gotta keep pushing, i can't back down, i have faith that i can do it. Sigh....on a good note, It's snowing out and it's the big fat calm flakes that make the world better.