Well Lets See...

I feel like i had a few things to say and now i don't quit remember them all but I'll try

I think i was first going to say that Deric's birthday is in 8 days, almost 7. I will admit that i am nervous. I don't know what to expect and i don't like not knowing things. But i am not as bad as i was before. I'm getting better like i knew i would. Still will always be a little nervous though. That i can't get rid of.

Uhm, I met Megan the other day and she's cool. I was nervous to meet her as i am with everyone because i want them to like me. Of course she already knew who i was and had heard a lot about me which was kinda cool.

I really do love Deric a lot. Like I have a happy feeling deep deep down which i have never really had before. It's nice to feel because I feel content, happy, loved, a lot of good emotions. For me that's huge. I love you so much.

Bought some new shoes yesterday and they are fantabulous. I needed them badly. We need to buy Deric some new shoes also. He just needs to find the right shoe, then we will buy it for him. I need to find a club dress. Hopefully i get one before Deric's birthday.

On a final note, everyone needs to hear the words I love you no matter who you are. They are very powerful words.

I Am Yours

Whhhaaattt? Interesting stuff at work today. Very interesting. Got there and i hadn't even punched in when Mel found me and was like hey, would you want to work in the vault cause Val put in her 2 week notice. I have been asked about working in the vault before and i had said i was interested so i said sure and told her when i could work and she was fine with that. Then i had to immediately go talk to Zizak. Mildly nerve racking even when i knew i wasn't in trouble or anything. He had me take a seat and Matt sat next to me and we talked about working in the vault, about my schedule, about working full time, about some changes that could happen at the desk, and random other things. What i got out of it was that they want me in the vault and the desk, they have high hopes for me and want me in there full time, and i very well could end up a supervisor down the road. I never even realized that Zizak noticed me, apparently he does a lot though. So woot woot! I'm really getting noticed and it sounds like I"m gonna be moving up in the world and people really are seeing what i am capable of and I'm excited because this could be big.

My vacation was really nice and I"m sad it's over because as much as i like work it is so wonderful to get away for a while. Kinda sucked that the weather was so crappy while they were here and once they left it was all nice. Lame. I will say that even though it was a good week it was a draining and tough week as well and me and Deric had little arguments through out the entire thing but they generally ended on a good note and i think we learned a little about each other. What i need to understand and its the one thing i have trouble grasping is that Deric keeps saying that "I will always be yours" and that means that i shouldn't worry about him doing something that will hurt me or something that will hurt us, i shouldn't worry about other people hitting on him and offering themselves to him because he would never agree to it or do it, he would never ever hurt me even if he was drunk off his ass. I have to trust him because he is dead set on being with me and not messing it up. He wants me for me. He wants to be with ME. Me, the person who can be one hell of a handful sometimes, me with all of my imperfections, me who worries way too much, me who gets scared too easy that I'll screw up something and ruin everything, me who needs to learn to be confident in every aspect of myself, me who is well me. Yet after all the negatives about me, he still wants me. I don't know why i can't see this and i really am trying to be better, it's a slow process but i am trying to understand this. I really am. Whenever i get nervous or paranoid about stupid shit I've begun thinking the comment he said, that he will always be mine, and it calms me down and i don't feel so worried and sometimes it goes away. It's helping and i like it because it makes the world a better place. It really does.

Oh, me and Deric both got new tattoos. He got one with his brother and its a tattoo that Kyle drew. Mine is of Michigan with a heart where Muskegon is. Both our tattoos are cool and awesome.

Tomorrow i am meeting Megan. Someone who has been in Deric and Kyle's lives for a very long time. Should be interesting.

Woot....My Life.....

Was awake pretty late last night and didn't have my laptop on me and i started thinking and needed to write it out so i did in my little journal that sits beside my bed because sometimes you gotta write things out instead of posting them on the interwebs. Certain things i prefer to have just me read rather then anyone. I still need some privacy you know?

Small world we live in...especially if you live in a small town. Some of you will remember Amelia, she used to be my best friend way back when before she became a total slut/bitch/terrible friend. Well, she has an older sister named Alice who recently got pregnant and everyone was like finally because she had pretty much slept around with half the school. Now i saw pictures of the guy who's kid it was but i never put two and two together. Today Deric was talking on the phone in the kitchen and i was standing there and just looking at the fridge and noticed a baby shower invite that caught my eye. The name on it was for Alice ecker and jason anthony. At that moment i was like no fucking way.....jason is Deric's neighbor! I pointed at the invite and Deric read it and got the same face i did. The NO FUCKING WAY face. Such a small world...i can't get away from these people!

I took Gus to the dog beach and he is afraid of the water which sucked because i wanted to go with a fun dog. So I may take Freedom next time or Blossom because she is apparently better not with the water.

Additional WHAT!!

I also found out that How I Met Your Mother is starting its final season in September. I was like OMG! It's finally to the end. We will finally know how Ted met his wife. AH!

WHAT!!!!!!

Today has been full of surprises that i like! Two things mainly:

The Crossfire novels that i like just published the 3rd book and in the back it stated that it wasn't the end so i knew there was a 4th book coming out. Today i was online looking at some things and i found out that there are going to be 5 books and the last two are going to be more of Gideon's side of the story! AHHHH!!! I am excited and also irritated cause i want to know how they end because the books HAVE to end up with Gideon and Eva together cause if they don't i may just kill the author.

The Hunger Games movie Catching Fire is coming out in November!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! The first one was great and the trailer for this one is so fucking amazing. I just want to watch it right now cause its going to be so amazing!! I hope the group gets to go...maybe...cause it comes out like November 24th so I'm not sure if we can but i HAVE to see the premiere cause if i don't i will probably cry a little bit inside.


P.s
I stole insatiable from 50 Shades ;P

Insatiable Apatite

I can't even begin to describe last night so i guess I'll start by just going from start to finish. Well, it got to be later that night and i sent Deric a text telling him to call me if got the chance and he called me like 30 seconds later. He was early out and i didn't know that so we started talking.

After about an hour of talking about dirty things because well, my love has an insatiable apatite and was horny, i asked him a question because he had been talking about things he was going to get me. It was what was his ultimate fantasy....and i got a response that i, it was a response that i could answer before he said it by the way he was talking and it was an answer that i did not like...ill be honest and say that. I know he didn't know this but my chest started feeling really heavy and my heart was pounding. We talked and talked about it because he then felt bad for telling me because it made me upset and uncomfortable. I had to tell him why i couldn't do that....as of right now its a definite no. I could not watch something like that happen, i could never watch you giving that to someone else. The images in my head were vivid, and they HURT. Just thinking about it made my chest hurt. If i ever saw that those images would burn into my mind forever and i wouldn't want that. I would think that you didn't love me anymore or that you felt less about me. I know that isn't true but i am an insecure and jealous person when it comes to things like that. You are mine, and i want to keep it that way. If someone else was involved you wouldn't be mine like that anymore.....you would be theirs to. I would think that you would think about them instead of me and i can't handle it. I can not for the life of me handle it. I realize that you are ok with me not being able to, it was more of an idea and if it were a deal breaker then you never wanted it to happen.

You told me that i am a try hard, a person that when given a problem will find a solution no matter what until i come up with the conclusion that it is down right impossible. And you said you loved that about me. That made me smile. You explained your view on it and how your mind thought of it. You basically said that if you ever saw me doing something with someone else that as long as my attention was still on you you would be ok with it, you think, because you would know that no matter what i was yours until i decided otherwise....i wanted to tell you that you that i will always be yours because i am never going anywhere.

You explained to me that the physical aspect is only half of it and that the other part that really makes you connect with someone is the emotion part. You said that it was mainly with me that you realized that you wanted that connection. You said that it was because of that connection that we are together because if it was just physical you would give me booty calls here and there and that would be all. Hell, you said your grandma thought of me as a granddaughter....i smiled when you said that because that meant a lot to me because i love your grandma, she is an amazing person. You reassured me that you love me and that if something like that ever happened you would still be all over me and thinking about me, even if it were some girl like kate upton. Your words meant a lot but i am still so insecure....i don't feel like it but when i think of things like this i am. I love you so damn much and i really wish that i could give this to you but even if i am a try hard i know when not to do something. I learned that hurting yourself and shattering your world is not a good idea. If your sanity would crumble it isn't worth it to me. It isn't worth losing what we have.

Well after our almost 3 hours conversation Deric wanted me to come over because he wanted me and i kept telling him no because i worked in the morning and my mom was still up. So he asked for pictures which i agreed to. So i send him pictures and turn off my light and get a text that says to open my curtain and I'm like no fucking way. He had snuck over! He finally came to the door and i let him in and he was so intense. I have never seen him like that. I mean...the second i shut the door and turned around....hit by a freight train that is my lovable boyfriend. There was so much everything. He took total control of me and i swear he went 50 shades on me...i understand cause i read the book and it wasn't in all bondage and stuff but in his words. Total seduction. He got what he wanted and made sure i knew that he got what he wanted when he wanted it. Holy damn it was so hot and intense and just.....holy damn. Sounds weird but just everything about last night made me love you that much more. You are the love of my life and always will be.

I love the fact that we compliment each other, everything about our personalities is a compliment to the other. I tend to be shyer and more introverted and you are loud and extroverted which brings out the liveliness in me and the cute quiet side in you. I tend to be emotional and sometimes a cry face and you are strong and like a rock and we play off of that. You have such a high libido and so many fantasies and i am a try hard and am willing to do anything at least once, hell it all works together. You are attracted to me just as much as i am attracted to you. You bring me so much joy, even when we have conversations like the one we had last night that made me hurt, i still love you more and more because you talk me through those things and listen to my side and understand. You are the most crazy, strong, intelligent, proud, determined, and sexy person that i know. Fuck i don't even know what to say anymore besides the fact that this is a long ass post but so much needed to be said. So many things happened and it all ended in feeling so damn good. Damn you are truly amazing.

Lets Jump Them Bones

I keep seeing pictures that remind me of you and they are making me horny. I am very attracted to you, just like you are to me. I like that. Means we are both happy to jump the others bones whenever we need it. You are amazing.