Damn People

Welp, no one wants to hang out apparently. Guess I'm not cool or worthy enough for anyone. Kat had texted me, wanted to see me on my birthday, i texted her back....like a week ago....never got a text back. Supposed to hang with Kayla today....she isn't texting me back either. She might later idk but this patter gets old really quick. IF I AM YOUR FRIEND HANG OUT WITH ME DAMMIT. Don't make me feel like a loser ok. I WANT to hang out. I am TRYING to hang out with you. YOU apparently DON'T want to hang out with ME. It makes me sad cause i want to hang out with someone.....

All The Loves

After whats happened, all i need is to know that you love me as much as i love you. I'm a little clingy right now and i need loving. Lots of it. Kinda sucks that we both have to work this weekend and have opposite schedules so that's kinda hard to do. But that's what i need right now. I am so glad we are ok though. Today meant a lot and it was important to me. Just cuddling and talking afterwards was wonderful. Meant more than you know.

The Beginning Of Better Things

This has been one of the hardest weeks i have had in a long time. But you know what, we talked, made solutions, and are ok. I was scared, you were scared. I was angry and i needed a few days to make sense of everything. Today was the day i didn't feel upset, angry, hurt, confused, etc. I felt happy. Last night I realized that letting something like that hurt us wasn't right. Yeah things needed to change after and they have. No lying and more communication is a definite must. And it will happen i think. We both will struggle with it cause well, we aren't the best at it. But we can do it, we don't want to lose each other. I never want to lose you, I love you so much. More than you know. You mean the world to me. We make mistakes, we all learn from them, and we improve ourselves. I love you so much, please know that forever.

I am at a loss. I have many mixed emotions right now. I don't know what to do

Cancel

I'm not angry at you. I am just frustrated and i feel like anyone in my position would be to. And right now as i am doing my homework and listening to dubstep i am becoming sadder and sadder. Like right now, i feel sorta comfy but all in all i feel empty. Like you know those moods where everything is just one big sigh? Kinda that mood. And the way my parents are acting is making me want to cry. I'm supposed to go to bed in like 5 minutes and they want to put a movie on the projector downstairs while I'm supposed to be in bed. I never have a good night when i am supposed to be up at 5 the next morning. Seriously right now though, I am feeling upset and really left out and frustrated. Here's the thing, I am feeling so left out and lonely and i am frustrated by that. When i make plans with people or try to make plans they either cancel or already have plans/work/busy. I only have 2 friends in town! When my other friends are in town they don't understand my work schedule and that pisses me off. Like hey come do this with us and be out late, sorry i can't i have to be up at 5 tomorrow, we wont be out all night, i can't, you're lame. Like why don't you get up at 5am for a full work day and see how much your gonna want to go out all night the next time. Do not give me shit for that kind of thing seriously. You don't get it.

Now my other problem, every time i try to hang out with Kayla she cancels. EVERY TIME. Unless it's when me and Deric go over there to hang with her and Brandon. But every time i have tried to hang out with her it ends up being a no. Like today i was supposed to and it was planned all week. Then i woke up today to a text saying she had to cancel. I know she has a baby to look after but hey maybe i was looking forward to hanging out with someone for a change. Then Livi is in town but we seem to have opposite schedules going on or shes usually busy when she or me wants to hang out. So that never works.

Another thing. Deric has his new job and i am excited and proud of him and for him. All week he has been doing a lot of overtime work so i haven't really seen him cause i have been letting him sleep cause he tells me how exhausted he is so i don't go over to his house. All week i have been sitting on my couch doing homework cause i haven't had anyone to hang out with and I'm letting him sleep. So you know i miss him. Tonight he is doing it again and he was telling me how he was gonna get up early to go with Brandon to AWOL while he gets a tattoo so he can look at designs and what not and hang out. Mind you every time he has had overtime i let him sleep all day cause i know he is tired yet he is perfectly fine getting up early after being exhausted to go hang out with someone else when I have been lonely and bored and frustrated cause I haven't seen him at all. I don't think it's right honestly. It makes me feel like i am unimportant. Like hes just too tired to hang out with me but will wake up for everyone else. Right now i just feel unimportant to everyone. Everyone cancels on me. Everyone is too busy. Everyone is too tired and I am too nice.

I am probably overreacting but fuck it that is how i feel.

Unimportant
Unimportant
Unimportant

Waves

Angry angry angry

Upset upset upset

Sad sad sad

Frustrated Frustrated Frustrated

Pain Pain Pain

Cry Cry Cry

Oh the joys of emotions and those emotions being amplified because it is my period week. But this is how I'm feeling tonight. It sucks. A lot.

Changes?

Well I've been thinking. Wondering if being a vet is really really what i want to do. I think it's more of am i as good as i need to be to be one. Like, are my grades high enough or am i doing as well as i should to be one. As of right now i feel like it isn't enough. I no longer have that 4.0 that i had because of Marczak. I'm not going to let one bad professor ruin my career but i have been thinking of some other career with animals. You know something with zoology. GVSU has a great Biology program but from what i have heard MSU is even better for zoology. But i think that if i go and get a bachelors in biology with some emphasis of some sort, maybe still with the pre-vet one, then I'm gonna hopefully go to MSU. That is waaay in the future though so I don't know.

I am excited for the future though. It is falling into place in a way and i am excited for that. I know what some things are going to happen and possibilities and just....i don't know. I am happy though. I am glad for what is to come.

I have decided that when i am done with MCC i will be going to GVSU part time. I have to in order to pay for it and that way i can also hopefully land a full time position which will insure that bills are paid and nothing is in a crunch. Money won't be so extremely tight. We will have our bills: phone, car insurance, car things in general, rent, food, school. But both being full time....We could do it.

I want to be out of this house though myself......Lilly has started to FREAK THE FUCK OUT a little when her electronics are compromised because she is just so stressed about high school and life in general. She needs to take a chill pill seriously......

I am in a happy place though right now. I am making friends, i am happy with myself, life is going ok, and Deric is still the most wonderful person on the planet. I am happy.