Se-real and Rugged Beauty

No one else sees what i see. No one else probably understands how i feel. No one else sees the absolute beauty that i see. For the record, I'm not talking about looking at myself.

Normal Day Really, But A Good Good Day

I had a pretty good day today I think. I mean, waking up at 6:30 to go to a 3 hour physics class is definitely not ideal BUT i actually did enjoy getting back into something like that. I also had tea this morning and the entire kitchen smelled like it and it was lovely. I got to go home afterwards and make a nice lunch and relax till i went to work. Got through the entire new Castle episode. Yay. I got to work and it wasn't busy, didn't go by too slow or too fast. I did have to make things look nice again cause apparently when I'm gone for 2 days the desk are gets a little hectic looking. Logan did do the Book & Physical report though which I will admit I am proud of because Logan is stepping up and taking responsibility with his job..and everything isn't falling on me anymore either. My mom was nice and got money out of that bank for me for my ballet shoes cause i was at work and couldn't do it myself and shes buying me grapefruit. I got 2 homer awards out of the blue. 2. You like never get 2 in one day. One was for who knows what cause Alyssa couldn't remember and the other was cause i won the Bravo award last month apparently. Oh, AND I'm employee of the month AGAIN. Yeah, I am FINALLY making an impact and people are seeing me and taking notice and I'm doing really really well. Then I started thinking about Ballet and how excited I am for it. It is going to be a super fun class and i will always love Mondays and Wednesdays at school for that reason. Then i was thinking about the conversation I had with Deric last night after he read my last post and called me cause i asked him to. I will be honest and say i think i remember everything we said but i am not totally sure on that. But like, just from what i know he said, I realized that I am really really loved. Like, Deric is the most amazing and wonderful person. He listens to me and what i have to say and tries to do his best to make me happy and he understands where I come from most of the time and tries to make things work like we are right now with the one thing. While i was thinking i was so so happy to have someone love me as much as he does and I am so glad I can give that love right back because I love him just as much. Today was a strange happy day, even though my back was hurting along with my stomach and boob again,  I liked today. I do miss Deric though. I'm glad i get to sleep over Monday though. We will have fun and it will be a good good night. I'll get lots of cuddles all night long.

Big Deal, Yes, But Petty In The Scheme Of Things

I don't know if this idea will work. I don't know if it'll last. I am trying to be supportive of something i don't support so I'm doing my best. I think what i came up with is fair. Still bothersome to be honest but fair. I don't want you to smell absolutely awful, I don't want anything to smell to be honest. Yes you can at home right now but realize later down the road you wont be able to so please don't begin to rely on it. I'm still struggling, I'm being honest here. I don't want it to be more than 2 packs a week.....My minds still teetering on that one cause in my heart i really only want it to be one but i know you don't like that idea so I'm compromising and giving a little more than i want and a little less than you'd like. So in my mind fair. You seemed happy, but mind you if you smell like it all the time...you wont be happy. Just please don't let it be a priority. Like, you know something big is going on. Like we are at a nice restaurant or cuddling in bed, don't go out for a cigarette then. Do it on your own time cause if you go...I'll begin to feel like i made a bad decision in letting you do as you wish, I'll feel like the cigarette will be more important in your life than me. I don't want that and I think I'm afraid of that. That if your rank of things you like the most has cigarettes on the high end of the list like with me. That would be where i would have to ask you to stop as much as i would hate it. But i don't want you to be addicted to them to that degree. You already are even if you don't admit it. You like it and i don't think you could just stop willy nilly. You are addicted and I'm accepting that fact. You need to accept that fact to, be truthful to yourself. But my other concern is if our budget gets tight at times when we live together, guess what, you'll have to stop for awhile cause they are not a necessity. They are a waste of money. Please be aware of that. I won't be able to get things i want either so we would both be in the same boat. But be aware of that. I love you, and i want you to be around for awhile. If you ever got any disease cause you smoked id kick you and be sad. If we have kids i do not want them to be around it. You have to deal with me on this and I'm going to have to deal with you. I'll have to see it and acknowledge it and as much as i hate to, accept it, and you have to see me upset and even angry at something you are doing that you could stop. Both things neither of us want to do but we are cause we do love each other. I would never want something like this to hurt us. I don't want to lose you over something so..petty. Now that i typed that...i think i can handle this more, seeing as i called it petty. I can handle petty things. But from now on i need absolute truth from you and communication. I probably seem harsh in this, but do not take it too hard. I just really needed to get the last of this out on the table and out of my head so it didn't grow into how you've seen me with this issue before. I'm learning i suck at communication to cause i think i was all whacked out because i wasn't communicating what i needed and what was hurting me and upsetting me. So i have to learn that too. But you also have to build back trust with me cause I'm the type of person that when i lose some of it it hurts and it hurts for awhile. I know you said that is the only thing you've lied to me about and i hope that is true cause i need truthfulness from you right now. And even so you have to prove to me that I can fully trust you again. Not that i don't, dear god don't take this as I don't trust you cause that isn't the truth. I just need reassurance i guess now. I know you are sorry for it i know you are, but, that's not exactly enough to gain it all back. That's also what I'm partially struggling with. But I'm doing way better with that after our talk. As long as we communicate, I think I'll stop feeling like this cause well, communication does solve many problems. I really just needed to finish this all out, get EVERYTHING out on the table. After our talk and this i feel like it finally is. I'm hoping this arrangement works cause i want you to be happy and able to do something you like, as much as i might not, it is still something that is part of you. I might not love it but I'm ok with allowing it. As long as it doesn't affect us and how we feel about each other it is ok. I do feel better about the whole thing now if that helps any. Yes it is a big deal but it is a petty thing in the big picture and i shouldn't let that affect anything. As much as i love you letting that affect everything in my life is stupid cause in the scheme of things i want to be with you, it scares me to think of life any other way, why the fuck would i let smoking impact me this much, in the big scheme of things it has no impact whatsoever. I just want to love, make love, and be with the person i absolutely adore, and that would be with you. I hope this post makes some sense to you and i hope you can agree with me on some things and at least see where I'm coming from and i hope that we can move on to bigger and better things now cause i think we have those kinda things ahead in for us in the future.

I'm Happy

Last night and today were very good. Me and Deric had our talk and we still have to figure some things out but everything is out in the open now and i feel a lot better. I got lots of cuddles and loving and it was so nice. I love Deric more than anything and he makes me very happy. I think I'm going to be ok. School starts tomorrow and I'm excited for it and bummed at the same time cause I'll see Deric a lot less. It's gonna get crazy but I'm so happy that I have him and that he wants to be with me.

Side note, my boob keeps hurting. Not so much today actually but it feels bigger to me and hurts. Yay being a girl.

Another side note, I'm starting ballet. I'M SO EXCITED. Just not sure what to wear....like..what do you wear to ballet class???

I'm Really Scared. Really Rather Terrified Actually. I'm Hoping SO Hard Right Now....

The Hug Saved It All

Thank you for stopping by, you really didnt have to since you were already home, but you did. I really just wanted a hug. The hug i got is what i needed. It was so comforting, comfortable, and it felt so right. I dont think it really felt the same for you but thats how it was for me. It reminded me of the first time we cuddled in your basement after my registration for junior year. Then it felt just like now. Comforting and just more right than words can describe. I love you so much. I think this will be the turning point into much better times. Much happier times and i am so ready for that. I feel like me right now, I feel like ME. I am happy for this, so happy.

I realize that my brain is basically fried. Bootcamp tonight proved that cause i couldnt retain anything which has never happened to me before. I can fix that. As much as starting school and work and everything is going to be rough i think it'll help my situation as odd as it sounds. I'm sad I'll see Deric less, but my drive will be up and ill be that much more determined to find a place for us. I am feeling drained a bit, sleep hasn't helped the feeling so its more but as of right now, I'm bound and determined to have better happier times ahead.

I'm Scared

My road is still rocky. I keep having arguments with Deric. I keep fucking things up. I'm scared that I will lose him. I am terrified. I need to really get a handle on my emotions. I need to think before i speak and think about how stupid i might sound. I don't know if I'm tired or if I'm stressed or what but I'm messed up. I have to get back to myself. I'm no sure what i need. I know what i would like but considering there is snow outside that doesn't really work. I'd like to have a nice long walk on the pier holding hands and laughing and kissing and something like that. I would like a vacation where we could go and relax. Please just hold me. You helped a bit today and I'm sorry i was stupid. Thank you for staying with me even though I know i piss you off a little. I've always been afraid that i will fuck up my relationships and right now I'm trying so hard not to do that but apparently I'm not doing a very good job. All i can say is that I love you more than anything. I can't see my life without you cause you mean so much to me. I am trying so hard to figure this out, I really am. You telling me to be careful scared me cause i feel like I'm on a last straw. Thank you for dealing with me. It means more than you know.