Big Deal, Yes, But Petty In The Scheme Of Things

I don't know if this idea will work. I don't know if it'll last. I am trying to be supportive of something i don't support so I'm doing my best. I think what i came up with is fair. Still bothersome to be honest but fair. I don't want you to smell absolutely awful, I don't want anything to smell to be honest. Yes you can at home right now but realize later down the road you wont be able to so please don't begin to rely on it. I'm still struggling, I'm being honest here. I don't want it to be more than 2 packs a week.....My minds still teetering on that one cause in my heart i really only want it to be one but i know you don't like that idea so I'm compromising and giving a little more than i want and a little less than you'd like. So in my mind fair. You seemed happy, but mind you if you smell like it all the time...you wont be happy. Just please don't let it be a priority. Like, you know something big is going on. Like we are at a nice restaurant or cuddling in bed, don't go out for a cigarette then. Do it on your own time cause if you go...I'll begin to feel like i made a bad decision in letting you do as you wish, I'll feel like the cigarette will be more important in your life than me. I don't want that and I think I'm afraid of that. That if your rank of things you like the most has cigarettes on the high end of the list like with me. That would be where i would have to ask you to stop as much as i would hate it. But i don't want you to be addicted to them to that degree. You already are even if you don't admit it. You like it and i don't think you could just stop willy nilly. You are addicted and I'm accepting that fact. You need to accept that fact to, be truthful to yourself. But my other concern is if our budget gets tight at times when we live together, guess what, you'll have to stop for awhile cause they are not a necessity. They are a waste of money. Please be aware of that. I won't be able to get things i want either so we would both be in the same boat. But be aware of that. I love you, and i want you to be around for awhile. If you ever got any disease cause you smoked id kick you and be sad. If we have kids i do not want them to be around it. You have to deal with me on this and I'm going to have to deal with you. I'll have to see it and acknowledge it and as much as i hate to, accept it, and you have to see me upset and even angry at something you are doing that you could stop. Both things neither of us want to do but we are cause we do love each other. I would never want something like this to hurt us. I don't want to lose you over something so..petty. Now that i typed that...i think i can handle this more, seeing as i called it petty. I can handle petty things. But from now on i need absolute truth from you and communication. I probably seem harsh in this, but do not take it too hard. I just really needed to get the last of this out on the table and out of my head so it didn't grow into how you've seen me with this issue before. I'm learning i suck at communication to cause i think i was all whacked out because i wasn't communicating what i needed and what was hurting me and upsetting me. So i have to learn that too. But you also have to build back trust with me cause I'm the type of person that when i lose some of it it hurts and it hurts for awhile. I know you said that is the only thing you've lied to me about and i hope that is true cause i need truthfulness from you right now. And even so you have to prove to me that I can fully trust you again. Not that i don't, dear god don't take this as I don't trust you cause that isn't the truth. I just need reassurance i guess now. I know you are sorry for it i know you are, but, that's not exactly enough to gain it all back. That's also what I'm partially struggling with. But I'm doing way better with that after our talk. As long as we communicate, I think I'll stop feeling like this cause well, communication does solve many problems. I really just needed to finish this all out, get EVERYTHING out on the table. After our talk and this i feel like it finally is. I'm hoping this arrangement works cause i want you to be happy and able to do something you like, as much as i might not, it is still something that is part of you. I might not love it but I'm ok with allowing it. As long as it doesn't affect us and how we feel about each other it is ok. I do feel better about the whole thing now if that helps any. Yes it is a big deal but it is a petty thing in the big picture and i shouldn't let that affect anything. As much as i love you letting that affect everything in my life is stupid cause in the scheme of things i want to be with you, it scares me to think of life any other way, why the fuck would i let smoking impact me this much, in the big scheme of things it has no impact whatsoever. I just want to love, make love, and be with the person i absolutely adore, and that would be with you. I hope this post makes some sense to you and i hope you can agree with me on some things and at least see where I'm coming from and i hope that we can move on to bigger and better things now cause i think we have those kinda things ahead in for us in the future.