Days Of Torture

I hate days like this, I really really do. The days when, idk, i cant find one nice thing to say about myself. The days when thoughts that just torture me are all that my mind can seem to come up with. These days just suck because they make me want to cry because i know that none of it is true, but in the past, I used to think it was so it is just hard to deal with. They mainly have stemmed from something that has recently come up once again, probably because it is around the time of year again that it happened. It was during Pops last year that someone made a bad choice, i am completely fine with what happened for the fact that i have been told the whole truth about it and for me once the truth has been told i am ok with it because no matter what it was, you had the guts to tell me(and i mean being told the truth the first time around when it is first asked). Well, lets just say that this bad choice led to some hellish drama that just ended badly, spread rumors like no other, and caused a certain ex to flip shit and start stuff. Apparently the bad choice meant that this boy had been sleeping with the girl for like four months of the boy and the ex's relationship and apparently they still were. Mind you none of this is true at all. But when a crazy person thinks it is, it gets around. Well, lets just say that these things are being said once again because Pops is coming up and memories are being jogged. But the whole thing with the apparent cheating on crap is being said once again, and the ex that believed all the lies and still does is now remembering these things and saying crap about them. Apparently she believes that the boy is probably,or already, cheating on me and that the boy is this horrible being that will some day in the future ruin my life. This all just pisses me off because i know the truth because i have been told the truth and for someone to continue to believe all the crappy lies just pisses me off. I want to just beat the crap out of them so the some sense gets nocked into them. And all of this stems back to me having the crappy day that i am because when i hear stuff like this i think back to things going on at the time, i think about people that were liked at the time, the body types and features, the styles worn etc. And this causes me to see what I'm not, and forever will not, be. I look at myself in the mirror and look at my body features. I am skinny, some say too skinny, i have hips that stick out, and i have smaller boobs. For me that one feature is my biggest insecurity and it forever will be. I like them, yet they cause me so much pain. I remember everything that i am told, one must remember this. Every story, every feeling, EVERYTHING. Once a story was told about the perfect person, which definitely was not me, mainly for the fact that the boobs were bigger. I think about these things yes, do not think down on me for them. But it also causes me to look at these people and wonder why in the world i am the one who is liked. I am not like any of them, i don't look like any of them...if anything i am the odd one out. So why? Again, don't think down on me for thinking these things. I am a girl, and one who suffered through a small degree of emotional abuse. Getting out of that kind of mindset, no matter how many compliments you are given or how many times you are told that the parts you are insecure about are perfect, is so amazingly difficult. I may leave it for a long time, but it always comes back, kinda like today. Very small detail affects me. I look at my face and see a face that i like but there seem to be so many things that could be better. I look at my pictures and others pictures and see that i am not the most photogenic person, yet they are. And this starts to bother me. It picks at my brain until i start feeling as low as dirt itself. I look at myself and think, oh, there's yet another flaw. I look at the people that were the ideal, and then i look at myself, and it is far from the ideal. I know that people think that i am perfect just the way i am, and they tell me this every day. You have no idea how wonderful this actually is for me, it makes me feel like i am worth something in the world and that when i look in the mirror what i see is the best it could ever be. But even so, my brain was permanently scard and i know that for a long time it will suffer from this scar. I know I'm told not to think this way about myself and i know that you must hate it when i do, but you have to realize that it is one of the most difficult things to do. A scar is a scar and i can honestly say that i am sorry for it, i know when it is brought up you must get annoyed and that it is probably irritating to have to say that I'm beautiful or perfect all of the time because i have this problem. I wish i didn't have this problem, i really do. I know that this is one instance in life that i can blame someone for something, and for my problem i do. You know who did it as well as i, they caused it and now i must suffer from it. And you may suufer to, i dont really know. But there are still days, kinda like today, that i just seem to hate everything about myself from head to toe, outside to inside. I hate these days...