Mind Games

This mind game needs to end, NOW. I absolutely HATE it. This is like the third time it has happened and I'm getting pissed. If you say you are going to leave, then just fucking do it. Don't continue to stress me and everyone else out because you keep saying you are going to leave and it's the last straw, then say oh, never mind I'm not going anymore, but i know i just put you through hell yet again...oh well. Yeah, I'm waiting for the day that this will finally be over, like, i am happily waiting for it. As horrible as that sounds. I want it to happen, why? Then all of this shit would finally be over and I wouldn't have to deal with an overwhelming amount of pain and stress. I can only put up walls for so long before i snap. And once again I put up the walls...and that's a hell of a lot of them for sure. I was prepared for the worst and i stopped feeling. Putting up that wall is hard because it is such a hard one to tear back down. Feeling goes away for days, then after awhile i get hit with a wave of emotions because the wall is finally down and this wave can be anything and it can do anything. And feelings that i want to have, ones i love and crave for, it is very hard for me to feel them, but i do feel them because i force the wall to break down just a little for these feelings because they mean the world to me. But i am just waiting for this all to happen yet again, and to yet again be filled with an overwhelming grief and pain. I just hope that the next time will be the last. I want it to end, and whatever way it does i don't care. If it ends in divorce, so be it because so far, I think that's how its going to end because nothing good is coming out of anything. If not, then good, but. As long as this mind game ends because i don't know if i can keep doing this.