About To Blow

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I don't know if i am depressed or have some problem, i have no idea. Sometimes, the anger that is inside me is so strong i don't know what to do. But i'm not always like this, I'm usually not like this actually. It wasn't until my dad did the whole I'm not happy with your mom, I might move out, maybe divorce thing again. I was ok, i was dealing with my own problems and stress, maybe not always the best ways, but i did my best. I've tried to steer away from the things that made me angry, and most of them i have that i can get away from. There are ones that i can't avoid though, like what goes on in my home. That's where most of this is coming from. Sometimes though the stress of school and work and homework gets to me and that's when Deric will see me brake down a bit. That's usually just stress though because school gets to you.
Then the whole having no friends in town thing gets to me to BUT I am making friends in town like Alexis, I'm so proud of myself for that. I met with her today and had lunch at Hobo's. It was nice and we are going to do it again and hopefully get Cassie and Derek to come along to.
I hold things in, i don't talk, and that's because sometimes i think that maybe if i don't talk about it maybe it'll go away. It is such a childish way of thinking, but i wish it were true. If i don't talk about it sometimes i forget about it and the pain of it doesn't hit me then....and i would prefer it to not hit me at all....so it stays inside me. But then it all blows up at me when something triggers it. Yesterday it was Deric talking about the plans he made for his birthday if he doesn't get vacation that day. That was the trigger and i went off and then shut up and didn't talk. That is a whole other thing we need to talk about, but i don't like to because me being uncomfortable with things and insecure makes Deric frustrated and angry i think, because he doesn't understand why i feel this way. I can't make him understand, i can try, but i understand it's frustrating. I would be frustrated if i were you too. The only thing i ask is that you work with me and help me.
This anger though, i don't understand it. Sometimes it gets so strong that all i want to do is punch something. I want to yell and scream and hit something just to get it out. But I don't obviously. But my problem with it is that sometimes human contact makes me angrier inside. Like the other night.....Deric was kinda cuddling me....and i wanted to punch the wall.....it has nothing to do with him though, just know that. Its just the contact. But i need human contact, i need to be loved and cuddled. It keeps me sane. No i will not go to a therapist, because they don't know me, they don't understand. I will get through this anyway i have to but mark my word...i will get through this.