What A Week

So since i can talk about it now...I GOT THE FULL TIME POSITION!!!! I am now full time at the desk and i start December 9th. My finals week too....sucky but i am excited and nervous cause I've never really done a 40 hour week before and in a month and some odd weeks I'll be doing it with full time school as well! That will be a fun four months. But, this means that my life can go in a direction that i want it to. Aka, me and Deric can get a place of our own. Once he gets hired in is when we will really look into it but it can happen now! We know we can handle the bills and still be ok and have a place of our own and be happy. We can sleep with each other every night which i am very happy about, I love falling asleep with him. I have ideas to for wherever we go and i will definitely have fun with it.

I'm interested to see how everyone else at the desk reacts to me getting the full time. Val i know was REALLY upset when they told her she didn't get it and cried even. Apparently Lynette was kinda a bit pissy about it too when she didn't even really want the position and she said she would be happy if i got it....apparently not. I have worked with Val since and at the time i didn't "officially" know i got it but she thought i did and she was happy for me, she acted like how you are supposed to act. We worked together really well actually. Lynette has not worked with me since though so i am mildly curious to see how that goes...

I have the greatest boyfriend in the world. I mean, the way i am treated sometimes blows my mind. Like when i know i should get yelled at but instead i only get kind words. Like how we can talk about anything no matter how serious and make solutions and move on and make everything ok. Like how i get soft forehead kisses and cute texts and loving words that always make me feel good and happy. Sometimes i can't wrap my brain around how wonderful you are to me because i know i don't always deserve it. I'm not always a wonderful person but you still treat me like one. I'm glad we can talk about things, I still feel bad because i feel the way i do about the one thing, but being able to come up with solutions and ideas and just knowing you aren't angry at me for being upset is nice. You listen to me when i talk to you and you listen to me when i am upset about something and you always take note of what i say and try to make things better and that means the world to me.

My school semester is almost over. Thank god for that. I think i will end with a passing grade in physics. Which is a great thing because on all of my tests i haven't done THAT bad and we get points back so i do decent each time. I hope for a C+ even maybe a low B which will still help with my GPA so it wont go under a 3.5 so I'll still be awesome. But next semester i think will be fun. I have physics again...yeah i know....and i also have philosophy, spanish, and dance. My dance class is a ballet class and i think it's going to be really fun.

Overall right now i can say that i am happy. The other day i was feeling rather depressed and i wasn't sure why because everything was going quit well. I just kept seeing myself negatively. I will admit this. Part was about my boobs. Yes i still struggle with that. But then i am reassured that they are perfect just the way they are and you do that for me. I still wish, but i know that won't happen but right now i am happy. They are what they are and they are wonderful.

On a side note...so much drama on social networking sites. People act like middle schoolers on these things. And these are people who are so determined that they are so mature and everyone else acts immature. Yet they have to have someone actually yell at them to start acting like an adult because they are being dumb. Geez people.

Winter is coming to Michigan. I hope we get big pretty snow. I love sitting outside at night and watching it fall because it is so peaceful. I may not appreciate the cold but it still holds a unique beauty to it that i love.

You Are Too Good To Me...

I know i upset you, and you still act kinda, loving, and concerned. I'm sorry i get upset over stupid things. I'm sorry i upset you. Right now I am having a bad moment. I'm feeling many negative things about myself even though everything is going well right now. I don't know if I'm tired or run down but whatever it is it's not very nice. I do love you more than anything and the life we share is a very good one. We have ups and downs but i always know you are there for me and that is a nice feeling to have.

...Now I've pissed you off....

I Never Do Anything Wrong

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I know that I really miss Deric. Like, i super duper miss him. And i feel bad right now and i feel stupid. I feel like that because i have been annoyed with his smoking, i haven't said anything to him obviously, but like, I feel like i will repeatedly be fine with it then get super pissed about it. Like the past couple of days, It's been irritating me. One, because i always thought smokers looked stupid in the winter or in bad weather because they were still outside in the freezing cold or in the pouring rain just to smoke. Now Deric is that person....and i don't know what to think. I think it also bothers me for a more selfish reason. When he is at work on his breaks he smokes and hangs out with all the smokers....and forgets to call me or won't call me. Lately I've been calling him cause he hasn't been calling me. I blame it on the smoking. And that makes me annoyed. Like, in my mind if you have time to stand there in the cold and smoke you have time to fricken call me. In my mind the cigarette has started to become the priority on his breaks. Calling me is on the back burner. Or he does call me when he has like 2 minutes left and I'm like oh thanks...glad you could smoke, or we talk for 2 minutes and then he has to go for who knows what reason. It also pisses me off because smoking is an addiction. I was starting to have a problem with drinking and i stopped because he did't like it. I don't go and drink every time i get upset or stressed at work. But I don't like his smoking, but he still gets to, and he HAS to smoke every time he gets stressed. Like what the fuck. I guess i get annoyed to cause i don't do anything bad. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, i drink on occasion but I don't go to bars or big college parties and what not. You don't get what it's like to have to deal with someone doing bad things because you aren't with someone who does them! I don't want to ask you to stop because I'm not going to be that person but it'll only get worse. You know that's true, unless you do like one a week so you have like one pack for months or quit it won't get better. You don't know how to say NO to someone offering you one. I know if you go to bars with friends ever you'll be smoking then. I swear to god when your brother comes into town and if you smoke in the house with him cause he does smoke too.....I'm not gonna even finish that sentence. I know i said i could deal with it, i know that I have been handling it, but i will be honest. I will never be OK with it, i will hate it until the day you actually really stop smoking and not lie and tell me you did. Here is one thing i hate, that i deal with all the stupid bad things you do and not once have you ever had to compromise something and go against your feelings and values on something because you loved me. I don't do stupid things. I don't have to do drugs because it feels good or whatever. I don't have to smoke because i like the way it feels and I'm addicted to it. I'll be honest. I wish you would quit. But i won't tell you to. That is your own choice.

I wish i could talk about this right now but i can't. I can't tell anyone but like....3 people. lol. Not until i have the "official" ok to do so. I'm excited though. New doors can open and everything in  the world looks a little bit brighter.

My Maybe Job

So i have been nervous about this position and i was starting to really feel like i won't get it. I felt like Val had something over me that would make her get it. I was just making myself ready for being told i did not get it. So i would expect it coming. But i really thought about it. What does Val have that i do not? Felisha said she digs into the reports more...I can do that easily. I can do that. I also kinda made a list in my head. Val can open weekdays, she has an open schedule right now, she has wanted this position since she got there, and as of right now she digs more into the reports. Then there is me, I can close on weekdays and open on weekends as of right now, After this last semester I'll have an open schedule but as of right now i do not, I want this just as bad for different reasons, I don't  dig as much but i can work on that, majority of people want me at the desk more than her because i do not get snappy and flustered like she does and i could handle the job better than she could. I feel like i did horrible in my interview and i have no clue how she did. Adam has a say and i know he wants me to get the position, I have no clue where Felisha stands right now, Lynette who works with me at the desk said she would rather i get the job then Val because Val gets frustrated easily and for seniority reasons, I know that Donna, Cassie, and Katie want me to get it. I know Felisha and Mike are ok with my funky schedule and it'll only be for 4 months then i am all theirs. There are pros and cons to both of us but i am hoping to god i have more pros and everyone decides on me because it would open so many doors for me and i don't even know. I would be so excited and happy and more happy about going to work because I'll be honest, i won't want to be at the desk anymore if i don't get the job, I'll be applying for the full time garden after that. I would feel rejected. I mean, i feel under appreciated as it is most of the time so it would be a smack in the face if i didn't get it. I would feel like no one really cares or sees what i do. Plus i would have to deal with Val and her being super duper happy and blah blah blah...but also i would have to deal with her if she didn't get it which might be worse I'm not too sure. But i feel like i can do better than she can for the desk and for the customers and i just hope i get it. I will probably cry if i don't cause i won't know what to do.

Hope

I love you more than anything. You mean the absolute world to me. I know sometimes things get rough. I know that sometimes i get angry at you for things that you do. But we all do stupid things...some a lot more than others....but no matter what you have me and my heart forever. I love you more each day. I hope i mean just as much to you as you mean to me. Every day i am not with you i miss you so much. I can only hope i get this full time job and we are able to get a place of our own. A place just for us.

Nervous Nelly

I'm really nervous about this job thing. GAH. A full time opened at the desk so I'm going for that but Val wants it too...like REALLY REALLY wants it.....and she has open availability. But everyone wants me. So I'm nervous. I will hopefully know not this upcoming week but the week after. Nervous nelly till then.

I learned i have a weird rib cage the other day. Never realized it before. Oh well. I might not be perfect but i am still wonderful just the way i am

I Don't Know If I Am Happy Or Sad

Last week was an annoying week for me. I was waiting and wondering and kinda stressed about many things. My tea order from Adagio came and low and behold they put the wrong label on my box. I got some other girls order. So i emailed the company because i was like what the hell!?!? I payed a lot for my tea and i expect to get it. Then the company took forever to get back to me. When they finally did though they said they would shipping out my order AGAIN so i should have it on Monday and I'll be pissed if I don't. I also learned that there is a way for me to work both full time at work and full time at school....it would only be for 1 semester....aka 4 months....but i was waiting for Adam to talk to Mike about it and see what he thought and Adam took his time getting back to me so i was anxious. When i went to talk with Mike i was nervous as hell but he seemed to understand that i want this really bad and he seemed fine with the idea and i just need to figure out what department i want to go to, garden or Appliances. I'm torn in weird ways about it though cause garden is probably where i really want to be because i like that department a lot. BUT, appliances does not have a lot of people and i would be making more money because it is a specialty i would be going into. They also have like...3 people now since Amy quite. So they are in desperate need for someone. Garden has like 6 billion people. So I am super torn about this. Now today i had this lady walk up to me already in a pissy ass mood, she got even more pissed off when i told her i couldn't do something and proceeded to yell at me and storm off while yelling she was going to Lowe's. I fucking didn't care, go to Lowe's bitch. BUT, she called later and bitched Matt out, so then he called up and talked to me about it, we found a way to solve the issue, but i feel like I made a mistake. I was super pumped yesterday because the whole full time thing seemed in the clear and after today i feel like it's all gone. It's stupid to worry like i am but people who don't work at the depot don't understand how important customer service is and in this ladies eyes i did a horrible horrible job. I'm scared now that i won't get the full time. All i want are hugs and cuddles and soft kisses right now. But....Deric is working. I don't know why but i'm feeling very very lonely. I'm also feeling extremely sad. I should be studying for Bio but lately i haven't had the motivation for it. I just want things to go right for once in my life and right now i don't feel like they are. I mean like go right for more than 1 stinken day. Like for a whole year before i feel like this again. There is just a lot of things that I feel like are slipping away slowly.

Halloween was a good day at least. Trick-or-Treating sucked because we always get a lot of heights people and right when i was about to pull out of the driveway for work this car pulled into out driveway to let a bunch of people out! Like hello, can you not see i was trying to leave...But after work me and Deric went to Envy after he got home. We had a blast, Deric got drunk, we had shots with Hoss, and danced our asses off. We got back home and watched TV till like 4am....we actually were talking with the TV on so not really watching it.....but the conversations he have when Deric is drunk are interesting because he talks a lot and says things and explains things he normally wouldn't say if he were sober. Not bad things, but more informative things i guess. Idk, I like the conversations we have. I ended up drinking half a bottle of wine too and my body was feeling numb and tingly and it was interesting. I will say though, there is one conversation i wish i could forget. I wish i could have changed that day and i wish it hadn't happened like it did. I know I hurt you bad....read my Mr. Brightside post for peat sake....I wish i hadn't. I wish it had happened differently. All i can say to you is that I am so sorry. You don't like hurting me but i live every day knowing i killed you that day. I did that. I hurt the man I love more than anything. It's a guilt I'll always live with. But we had a good night otherwise, we passed out in each others arms and it was nice.