I Never Do Anything Wrong

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I know that I really miss Deric. Like, i super duper miss him. And i feel bad right now and i feel stupid. I feel like that because i have been annoyed with his smoking, i haven't said anything to him obviously, but like, I feel like i will repeatedly be fine with it then get super pissed about it. Like the past couple of days, It's been irritating me. One, because i always thought smokers looked stupid in the winter or in bad weather because they were still outside in the freezing cold or in the pouring rain just to smoke. Now Deric is that person....and i don't know what to think. I think it also bothers me for a more selfish reason. When he is at work on his breaks he smokes and hangs out with all the smokers....and forgets to call me or won't call me. Lately I've been calling him cause he hasn't been calling me. I blame it on the smoking. And that makes me annoyed. Like, in my mind if you have time to stand there in the cold and smoke you have time to fricken call me. In my mind the cigarette has started to become the priority on his breaks. Calling me is on the back burner. Or he does call me when he has like 2 minutes left and I'm like oh thanks...glad you could smoke, or we talk for 2 minutes and then he has to go for who knows what reason. It also pisses me off because smoking is an addiction. I was starting to have a problem with drinking and i stopped because he did't like it. I don't go and drink every time i get upset or stressed at work. But I don't like his smoking, but he still gets to, and he HAS to smoke every time he gets stressed. Like what the fuck. I guess i get annoyed to cause i don't do anything bad. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, i drink on occasion but I don't go to bars or big college parties and what not. You don't get what it's like to have to deal with someone doing bad things because you aren't with someone who does them! I don't want to ask you to stop because I'm not going to be that person but it'll only get worse. You know that's true, unless you do like one a week so you have like one pack for months or quit it won't get better. You don't know how to say NO to someone offering you one. I know if you go to bars with friends ever you'll be smoking then. I swear to god when your brother comes into town and if you smoke in the house with him cause he does smoke too.....I'm not gonna even finish that sentence. I know i said i could deal with it, i know that I have been handling it, but i will be honest. I will never be OK with it, i will hate it until the day you actually really stop smoking and not lie and tell me you did. Here is one thing i hate, that i deal with all the stupid bad things you do and not once have you ever had to compromise something and go against your feelings and values on something because you loved me. I don't do stupid things. I don't have to do drugs because it feels good or whatever. I don't have to smoke because i like the way it feels and I'm addicted to it. I'll be honest. I wish you would quit. But i won't tell you to. That is your own choice.