So Many Wants..........So Scared

Full time work and school is a drag...I never see Deric and that is super tough. I want to have our own place now so I can sleep with him every night and so my bed stops feeling big, empty, and lonely. I've been feeling so lost lately. All my energy and drive has left me. I don't want to do school anymore. I want it to be over. This whole possibility of not being able to go to GVSU because of it costing too much or because i can't schedule it right is killing me, and i have to wait till the end of March to see if it's possible! To be honest....I almost want to take a break from school. Like, I've worked SO DAMN HARD and it's going to get me nowhere. I get no help. My parents don't pay for my college and neither does financial aid or scholarships. Part timers get no hope. I've never been able to just have fun and enjoy life. I've never gone out to the club with my friends or gone to the bar with them (not that that is possible right now but you get the point). I want to go out and dance and have a good time but they don't want to. They've had their college fun and the whole college experience. I worked my tail off at my job and in school. I didn't make new friends, I went to MCC where that doesn't really happen. I want to live a little before my time to do so is gone. I want to finally get that place with Deric and make love and cuddle every single night, I want to drink wine and margaritas and be classy at home and at the restaurants and bars,  I want to get an adorable kitten that will be me and Deric's, I want to do something I love and have always wanted to do for years but never had the money to, I want to work on myself and get into super good shape and eat right and be happy about myself, I want to learn to walk in heels like the supermodels do (or like Franny does), I want to get a damn smart phone and stay in better contact with my friends via all that stupid crap like snapchat and instagram, I want to dance as much as i can, I want to aspire at work and get higher up on the totem pole, I want to feel as strong as everyone thinks i am, I want to be fucking happy. I don't want to continue to drag myself down a very dark hole. I need a light at the end of my very dark dark tunnel. I feel like I'm not allowed to make that decision though, I'm not allowed to stop, I don't know what people would think of me if I did. I don't want to let people down and be a failure. I have to wait like 2 months before i can make any decision, but i am so scared right now and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so lonely every night and many a times i cry myself to sleep because I'm so scared and unsure and confused and just depressed over the whole thing. I have no clue what to do because, well, I just want a lot and can't have everything.