Unheard

I will explain why i was irritated/frustrated.

Normally I have to call you on your breaks if i even want to tell you anything because when you call you give me like 5 minutes max to talk to you and what not. I had already been cut off on your last break so i waited for you to call cause you said you would and with like 4 minutes left you called....thanks....really enough time to say anything. It frustrates me cause when your at work i really feel like you could give a rats ass about me cause if i left it up to you you would not call on your short breaks at all and you would give me maybe 5 minutes on your lunch. We work opposite shift damn it and many times this is the only chance i get to fucking talk to you. THAT IS WHY I CALL ON YOUR BREAKS. I want to talk to you. Though you have made it somewhat clear that you would rather not talk to me. So if you want I can let you have it your way. We can talk for 5 minutes a day. I feel like I am worth more time then that but whatever. I sound really bitchy in this and you know what I do not care because sometimes you have to be. Sometimes no one will give a rats ass if your passive all the damn time.

I'll just continue doing my thing cause that seems to be what i have always done and will continue to do. Be happy with me myself and I.

Frustrated

Life As It Is Now

So me and Deric were walking through Lake Harbor today and we passed two old ladies sitting on a bench. We said hi as we passed and continued out conversation. There was a couple not more than 20 feet behind us that when they passed the old ladies one old lady was like "I WISH I HAD YOUR BODY!" so here i am like WTF BITCH. She has a bikini bottom on 2 sizes to small and a push up bikini top. Of course anyone would want her body. Made me irritated cause i have a nice body....could be nicer i have been working out less which is why i am going to really get back at it....but like seriously i was not even 20 ft away from them. What irritates me the most is the fact that skanky fake shit seems to get all the attention as always. Anyone trying to be natural and not wear all the push up ass hanging out shit will never get the time of day from ANYONE (Accept Deric cause he loves me and loves my body and i love him to death). Like how insecure do you have to be to wear a push up bikini? I feel like the chick had small boobs so that could be part of it. But just no, I don't wear push up bras really...they have some padding yeah but just enough to not have my nipple get hard and be like hello world how are you. I don't want to walk around with my ass half out. That's uncomfortable. I don't need to wear a pound of makeup or fake anything. If you can tell i feel very strongly about this. Probably because in some ways i wish i could be a total skank in public on a day to day basis and be totally ok with it. But i can't. I never could dress or be like that. I could never wear a shit ton of makeup one because i don't know how to do it and two i would feel....unreal? I have flaws and they are out there for everyone to see. I don't hide them or cover them up and I hope that means i am confident to some degree. I have accepted (for the most part) that i will always have small boobs...i will always wish they were a bit bigger but i have accepted that they wont be...that my fashion sense is my own, i don't dress in any skank style, pin-up style, grunge, blah blah blah....I don't wear a ton of skirts or thigh highs or revealing stuff. My style is me and that's how it will always be. I have tried very hard to dress different;y before and i was beyond uncomfortable, wasn't right. So yeah, i am me, i will start working out more and get my super duper kick ass body back that will make any fake bitch jealous.

On to the party the other night. It is strange that the group is evolving. We are drinking now and getting hammered. Well....everyone but me. At these parties so far i have not drank because i have either been DD or driving myself home later that night. Everyone else is drinking it up though. Everyone still seems like themselves just a tiny bit different. Olivia has changed a bit, shes...more...i dont even know the word for it but shes really a party girl now and happy to do bad things. Franny is I don't even know anymore, she almost annoyed me. Like for one she wore a top that had her boobs spilling out the top and a very short skirt and talked a lot about all the guys who talk to her and how hot they all were and how she was using big words and was very word smart and much smarter than most in general and just very onto herself and her accomplishments and just all about how amazing she was. She has become very arrogant. But if you knew Franny like we do it wouldn't' be a surprise. Everything is just odd.

I feel bad for Deric, he keeps getting a LOT of pressure from just about everyone but me about marriage. Yeah i want it to happen, but I won't force or pressure anything like that onto someone. I know that if Deric wants that he will ask when he is ready, i know that is a huge step for him and i would not want him to feel any pressure to make that decision. I mean if years go by and nothing happens I might say something but right now no. If you are ready to make that step you are and if not then wait until you are. You don't want to make a mistake in your life and you want that kind of thing to be with someone you absolutely want to be with forever.  Plus you want timing to be how you would like to, bad timing can run things too. So yeah, no pressure here. I'm just sorry work and your family is like so when is that happening?

Here is a picture of Khaleesi, our cat, shes a doll.

Sweetness

You have no clue how sweet you are do you? I won't go into detail on here because i think you need to figure that all out for yourself. BUT. When you really open up and when you explain things and when i really know how you are feeling...well...you a the biggest sweet heart you really are. It breaks my heart sometimes how sweet you are. I am glad I am with someone like you, who really truly cares about me and what i think and how i feel. You are truly a wonderful amazing person

Now

I crack and crumble when no one is around. I weep when they are all asleep. I fall when their backs are turned. Humanity sees me strong but the reality is is that when no one is there all the seams I have so tightly wound up just unravel. You talk to me on the pone i might sound fine but i could have tears just streaming down my face. I can't hide the emotions on my face, I have not mastered a poker face. But i can mask them in my voice. It's a terrible thing to do, to let everyone think you are ok. Even the ones you love. It's so hard to just break down and spill everything. All the little stupid things that i feel. No one needs to know if I am ok, breaking to pieces, or happy as a clam. I know there was once a time when my walls came down, where i told people what i was feeling. But, lately, those walls have shot back up so far i can barely see the tops anymore. I don't hang out with people like i once did. I don't talk to people like I once did. I don't tell you my feelings like I once did. And with this thing going on right now i feel like i really should tell you them, but i don't want to offend or hurt you or make you sad or anything like that. I know you say it is not my fault, it isn't because of me. Yet in a way i feel as though it is. I feel like maybe i am no longer good enough for you. Maybe you just don't find me attractive like that any longer. I mean, I know I'm not the most amazing looking person and i know i can be a handful. I will admit that this whole thing is frustrating for obvious reasons and that goes for both parties. You because well, obvious stuff and me because i can't get certain things when i really really want/need it. I know i shouldn't but in a sense i still feel rejected. Now i can't imagine what is going on in your head. If i think my mind is hell right now yours has to be the deepest darkest parts of hell. I know you are trying and i cannot ask for more than that. But just like you I am terrified. Down right scared. To be honest...this will sounds crazy...but the way we are going about it right now reminds me how couples go about attempting to get pregnant. Know that I love you and that I am not going to leave you. I would be a cold cruel person if I did that and I am not that way. You mean the world to me, to a degree i can't even begin to explain to you. I am just lost right now, i feel mildly depressed and i need you right now. I need to talk and you need to talk and i just need you