Now

I crack and crumble when no one is around. I weep when they are all asleep. I fall when their backs are turned. Humanity sees me strong but the reality is is that when no one is there all the seams I have so tightly wound up just unravel. You talk to me on the pone i might sound fine but i could have tears just streaming down my face. I can't hide the emotions on my face, I have not mastered a poker face. But i can mask them in my voice. It's a terrible thing to do, to let everyone think you are ok. Even the ones you love. It's so hard to just break down and spill everything. All the little stupid things that i feel. No one needs to know if I am ok, breaking to pieces, or happy as a clam. I know there was once a time when my walls came down, where i told people what i was feeling. But, lately, those walls have shot back up so far i can barely see the tops anymore. I don't hang out with people like i once did. I don't talk to people like I once did. I don't tell you my feelings like I once did. And with this thing going on right now i feel like i really should tell you them, but i don't want to offend or hurt you or make you sad or anything like that. I know you say it is not my fault, it isn't because of me. Yet in a way i feel as though it is. I feel like maybe i am no longer good enough for you. Maybe you just don't find me attractive like that any longer. I mean, I know I'm not the most amazing looking person and i know i can be a handful. I will admit that this whole thing is frustrating for obvious reasons and that goes for both parties. You because well, obvious stuff and me because i can't get certain things when i really really want/need it. I know i shouldn't but in a sense i still feel rejected. Now i can't imagine what is going on in your head. If i think my mind is hell right now yours has to be the deepest darkest parts of hell. I know you are trying and i cannot ask for more than that. But just like you I am terrified. Down right scared. To be honest...this will sounds crazy...but the way we are going about it right now reminds me how couples go about attempting to get pregnant. Know that I love you and that I am not going to leave you. I would be a cold cruel person if I did that and I am not that way. You mean the world to me, to a degree i can't even begin to explain to you. I am just lost right now, i feel mildly depressed and i need you right now. I need to talk and you need to talk and i just need you