So uhh....PROM!!!

Prom 2011 is coming up!! It is on Saturday, and i am soooo pumped!! My dress is really pretty (And i apparently look like a girl from james bond, thanks livi. lol). The flowers have been ordered, dinner reservations are set (thanks to livi again). Where pictures are being taken is figured out, Deric got his tux ordered and we pick it up on Thursday. Just, everything is coming into place and i am SUPER excited. And Deric is being such a gentleman about it. He says it's all about me, even when i know he probably would rather not go he still is because he knows it will make me really happy. I just love that boy. He's the mot amazing thing in my life and I love him so much. And he is making prom something really special, just for me. To have someone doing something like that for you feels amazing. Well...for now with prom everything has basically been planned and everything is set. But i will definitely be posting more soon when more comes up. :)

It's Funny How You Find Things Right When They Need To Be Found

So, everything in my last post was true. I do feel that way a chunk of the time. Not too often, but when it hits it hits hard. Everything i said i feel i do and it does hurt. But, I just read something, it popped up out of no where, but in a way, it was exactly what i have been so insecure about, and when i read it it made me smile. Right now i feel very happy about myself, very confident, and like i can go anywhere and look freaking amazing wearing whatever i want. Want to know what i read? Well, I recently came across this website thing, idk what it really is, but it is all about not hating yourself. Don't ask how i found it, i was never intentionally looking for it mind you, it just happened. Anyway, they just did this post about boobs. And if you read my last post you would know that that is probably the thing i am most insecure about on my own body. Even when i have a boyfriend telling me that they are perfect and amazing, the back of my mind keeps saying no. In my last post i even stated that i feel he may get annoyed with saying things like that all the time just because of the insecurities that i have (Deric, I kinda hope not though because you saying things like that means a lot). I wont lie, i have insecurities, one is where i look at the people a person i am with previously dated and or liked and compare myself to them. Lets just say that that one is something i am working on because it SUCKS doing that to myself because i always find that i never compare and i feel like i am worthless compared to them because they seem to have so many better features then me. Aka...bigger boobs. Well, this post on boobs was one that really put something into perspective for me. They said that every woman should love their boobs because no matter the size you will look beautiful, no matter how small. They said to love them because they are unique to you, you are the ONLY ONE with those boobs, no one else has any like yours. And that made me realize that this is true and that i am the only one with my boobs. They even said that the person you are with will love them to no matter what they look like if they are the right person (Cause only the shallow guys will like you only for your boob size or treat you differently because of it). And i have that. Yeah kinda a stupid realization because it seems like something so easy to realize...but for me it isn't. But this put a smile on my face and it makes me feel better about myself. With this and Deric's compliments, my confidence in myself, as of this moment, gotten very very high and you know what? I think it will stay high. :) Thank you website. Thank you Deric. <3

Days Of Torture

I hate days like this, I really really do. The days when, idk, i cant find one nice thing to say about myself. The days when thoughts that just torture me are all that my mind can seem to come up with. These days just suck because they make me want to cry because i know that none of it is true, but in the past, I used to think it was so it is just hard to deal with. They mainly have stemmed from something that has recently come up once again, probably because it is around the time of year again that it happened. It was during Pops last year that someone made a bad choice, i am completely fine with what happened for the fact that i have been told the whole truth about it and for me once the truth has been told i am ok with it because no matter what it was, you had the guts to tell me(and i mean being told the truth the first time around when it is first asked). Well, lets just say that this bad choice led to some hellish drama that just ended badly, spread rumors like no other, and caused a certain ex to flip shit and start stuff. Apparently the bad choice meant that this boy had been sleeping with the girl for like four months of the boy and the ex's relationship and apparently they still were. Mind you none of this is true at all. But when a crazy person thinks it is, it gets around. Well, lets just say that these things are being said once again because Pops is coming up and memories are being jogged. But the whole thing with the apparent cheating on crap is being said once again, and the ex that believed all the lies and still does is now remembering these things and saying crap about them. Apparently she believes that the boy is probably,or already, cheating on me and that the boy is this horrible being that will some day in the future ruin my life. This all just pisses me off because i know the truth because i have been told the truth and for someone to continue to believe all the crappy lies just pisses me off. I want to just beat the crap out of them so the some sense gets nocked into them. And all of this stems back to me having the crappy day that i am because when i hear stuff like this i think back to things going on at the time, i think about people that were liked at the time, the body types and features, the styles worn etc. And this causes me to see what I'm not, and forever will not, be. I look at myself in the mirror and look at my body features. I am skinny, some say too skinny, i have hips that stick out, and i have smaller boobs. For me that one feature is my biggest insecurity and it forever will be. I like them, yet they cause me so much pain. I remember everything that i am told, one must remember this. Every story, every feeling, EVERYTHING. Once a story was told about the perfect person, which definitely was not me, mainly for the fact that the boobs were bigger. I think about these things yes, do not think down on me for them. But it also causes me to look at these people and wonder why in the world i am the one who is liked. I am not like any of them, i don't look like any of them...if anything i am the odd one out. So why? Again, don't think down on me for thinking these things. I am a girl, and one who suffered through a small degree of emotional abuse. Getting out of that kind of mindset, no matter how many compliments you are given or how many times you are told that the parts you are insecure about are perfect, is so amazingly difficult. I may leave it for a long time, but it always comes back, kinda like today. Very small detail affects me. I look at my face and see a face that i like but there seem to be so many things that could be better. I look at my pictures and others pictures and see that i am not the most photogenic person, yet they are. And this starts to bother me. It picks at my brain until i start feeling as low as dirt itself. I look at myself and think, oh, there's yet another flaw. I look at the people that were the ideal, and then i look at myself, and it is far from the ideal. I know that people think that i am perfect just the way i am, and they tell me this every day. You have no idea how wonderful this actually is for me, it makes me feel like i am worth something in the world and that when i look in the mirror what i see is the best it could ever be. But even so, my brain was permanently scard and i know that for a long time it will suffer from this scar. I know I'm told not to think this way about myself and i know that you must hate it when i do, but you have to realize that it is one of the most difficult things to do. A scar is a scar and i can honestly say that i am sorry for it, i know when it is brought up you must get annoyed and that it is probably irritating to have to say that I'm beautiful or perfect all of the time because i have this problem. I wish i didn't have this problem, i really do. I know that this is one instance in life that i can blame someone for something, and for my problem i do. You know who did it as well as i, they caused it and now i must suffer from it. And you may suufer to, i dont really know. But there are still days, kinda like today, that i just seem to hate everything about myself from head to toe, outside to inside. I hate these days...

Standout In A Sea Of Grey

So, this picture really has no relevance to what I'm going to write about...maybe it does, i don't know. It's mainly just a picture that i think is really cool and i just really like it and thought it deserved to been seen somewhere, so why not here? It does kinda remind me of all those pictures that are black and white that have that one thing colored in (I would love a program that did this cause i absolutely love black and white photography). You know, that one colored thing stands out above the rest, that's kinda how i feel this picture is. In a way it reminds me of my life right now. How tons of things are whirling around, but a few things seem to stand out. What whirls around are things like school and such. The standout things though, well at the moment there are a chunk. My family for one, my dad just moved out again for the second time, my sister is like the living devil at times so it makes home life hell...and with my dad gone it is going to get worse. With my dad being gone, my mom cries all the time, i have no car anymore so half the time now I'm fucked, and things are just weird. It kinda sucks a lot. And i wont lie, yeah, I'm angry at him. How could i not be? This is the third time he has done this and i expect him to do it again, he really has no backbone sad to say. I can only hope that we don't get put through this again, i hope he makes an actual decision and sticks with it...but, i can only hope. He wont be here for Easter either, i don't even know if he will show up for prom. I kinda don't want him to, no, i don't hate him, but I'm not very happy about this. Speaking of prom, that is another thing that is standing out, but unlike the last one, this is actually a good stand out. Me and Deric went and got his tux rented today, it was a lot of money, but i think in the end it will definitely be worth it. He is such a sweetheart about it, i couldn't have asked for a better guy. He says that prom is all about me and making the day special for me. He is even going all out for it and getting a really nice tux, paying for the tickets and dinner, and almost for the corsage and butonier until i told him that i wanted to pay for it. But he is still using the extra money from that on me, even when i tell him not too. I have my dress and i think it looks pretty. We know where we are going to dinner thanks to my friend, Olivia, who made the reservations. I know where I'm getting my hair done and nails and such. Pictures at prom are getting covered by my parents...huh, i wonder if that is still true now, we will see...Now all we need to do is buy the tickets and i need to go and order the flowers. It is all coming together nicely...oh, and i have to make sure that i for sure have that day off of work. I am like 85% sure that i do, but i wont know until i see the schedule, which i will see on Monday, so lets cross our fingers. I can't wait for prom to, not because it's "prom", but because it will be a nice dinner with friends, and i get to dance the night away with the most amazing guy in the world, a guy who i hope is actually excited for prom to. Also a guy who is more than happy to go with me because he knows it makes me happy. Gosh, Deric makes me feel so special, i have no clue how i ended up with someone as amazing as him, i don't feel like i deserve it. So Deric is another standout thing, and i know he always will be. He always makes me happy, even when I'm sad like i have been recently, he tries his hardest. I have never had someone treat me like he does before, it blows my mind half the time cause i don't know why i deserve it. I don't really think that i am that special of a person to be treated so kindly and amazingly. I'm just...me. But even so, I cant help but fall even more in love with him every day. I love him more than anything and i don't know what i would do without him. I plan on staying by his side as long as I'm around on this earth. I know I'm only 17, but, when something is right and meant to be, you just...you just know. Even at 17 you know. So, i guess for now these are the standout things in my life...lets hope if anymore come that they are good. I also gotta stop thinking things a little bit, cause i just remembered how like last week i was thinking about how amazingly life was going, i had a job, a wonderful boyfriend, i was doing great in school, it was a lot of good things...which are now all plummeting and turning out to be not so great anymore (Except the job and boyfriend...they are both still doing fine.). Damn Murphy's law. Sigh, oh well though. So i guess that is all for now, we shall see how things turn out.

Mind Games

This mind game needs to end, NOW. I absolutely HATE it. This is like the third time it has happened and I'm getting pissed. If you say you are going to leave, then just fucking do it. Don't continue to stress me and everyone else out because you keep saying you are going to leave and it's the last straw, then say oh, never mind I'm not going anymore, but i know i just put you through hell yet again...oh well. Yeah, I'm waiting for the day that this will finally be over, like, i am happily waiting for it. As horrible as that sounds. I want it to happen, why? Then all of this shit would finally be over and I wouldn't have to deal with an overwhelming amount of pain and stress. I can only put up walls for so long before i snap. And once again I put up the walls...and that's a hell of a lot of them for sure. I was prepared for the worst and i stopped feeling. Putting up that wall is hard because it is such a hard one to tear back down. Feeling goes away for days, then after awhile i get hit with a wave of emotions because the wall is finally down and this wave can be anything and it can do anything. And feelings that i want to have, ones i love and crave for, it is very hard for me to feel them, but i do feel them because i force the wall to break down just a little for these feelings because they mean the world to me. But i am just waiting for this all to happen yet again, and to yet again be filled with an overwhelming grief and pain. I just hope that the next time will be the last. I want it to end, and whatever way it does i don't care. If it ends in divorce, so be it because so far, I think that's how its going to end because nothing good is coming out of anything. If not, then good, but. As long as this mind game ends because i don't know if i can keep doing this.

Busy To No End, Sigh...

So, I haven't been able to post on here in a while because i have been so busy and tired. Work has been going well, so yay! It hasn't been to bad because the weather has been kinda crappy, and no one wants to get ice cream when its cold and rainy out, so its just been very slow. Training has been good, i think i am doing alright because no one has said I'm doing horrible yet. So I'm happy about that. School has been school, nothing horribly drama wise after the players show. Well...that is probably because i don't really talk to that person all that often anymore..the one that my last post was mainly about. So, i don't have to deal with that stress all that often. School has mainly been homework up the wazoo. It sucks. AP Lang will be the death of me, we have a paper that is due soon, and it is one that i don't have any time for, on top of an AP Gov project that is due on the same day. Plus the AP Gov practice exam is soon...so i am a little worried about it. My knee also went out the other day and it still hurts so that kinda sucks. Plus i have been so physically exhausted, this is mainly due to the fact that my period is soon and it can make me like this, but it still is really hard because i cant seem to stay awake. I also get to see Deric WAY less then i would like because when i work he doesn't and then like right when i get off he starts working....our schedules just are not working to well right now. It's very frustrating.

GAHHHHH!!!!

As i said before, this week is going to be stressful, and well, IT IS. I dont really get to spend any time with Deric, which makes me really sad because he can always calm me down and de-stress me. I really need that right now but i cant get that. Geez, all i want is for him to come here and save me, whether that means taking me away or just laying here next to me with his arms wrapped around me, i dont really care, i just want it to happen. I mean, my schedule for this week sucks so much. I work friday and saturday, we have tech week this week so a show thursday, friday, and saturday. And on top of that im supposed to be writing a research paper, which i have no clue as to when im going to write it. Plus the drama in the theater right now is so freaking insane. Little Lauren just got herself a boyfriend and has become a total bitch now. Her smart ass comments and rudeness are getting on my nerves and i really just want to slap her, tell her to shut the fuck up because people get boyfriends all the time but they dont because bitches afterwards and think they are all high and mighty(Yes some do, but im not talking about them). It is just so freaking frustrating when your trying to work with them. Sunday needs to get here is all i can say, cause then i will be in Deric's arms and everything will be ok.