There's A Lot To Do...

So a few things:

One, I'm feeling more like myself again and I'm liking that. Tonight me and Deric had a good talk with one another and it really helped me. I love him to death and he helps me through everything and he puts up with me when I'm a little insane at times. Hes one hell of a great guy. But I'm just glad everything is straightening out. It feels good.
Two, FRUSTRATION. Our vacation week was all set and a go until Deric's manager became a bitch and decided to take 3 of the days away. Now I'm trying to figure out if i can switch days at work for me and everything and I talked to Kim and she said everything was a go and all set....but when i looked at the schedule and everything those days got cancelled so that means no so I'm now confused and have to go into work yet again to talk to her and ask her whats up...shes gonna get annoyed with me....but if i don't get those days switched....like, our vacation isn't really a vacation...and we wont get to go camping. Ill probably cry if this doesn't work out. Just saying.
Third, Looking at a car tomorrow. Hopefully something comes about it and ill have my own car. Nervous about looking at it cause i don't want to feel obligated to say yes or something. I just don't want pressure at all. Eventually i will find my own car though and i will have a car....by our hopeful vacation week is a must or camping cant happen even if all works out. So I'm crossing my fingers....maybe....not really sure....frazzled a bit...
Four, We are looking to get Deric a bigger bed soon....very soon i hope cause he said no more sleep overs till we do, i do see his point though about it cause it is cramped.....but i like sleeping over with him, a lot. I like having someone next to me to cuddle and keep me warm. Hopefully looking on Monday.
Five, Going to JAFAX on Saturday. Kinda a last minute thing cause i just found out when it is but i still like going and i don't work so i feel like why not?
Six, I'm in a good mood right now and I'm not going to let anything bring it down even though things are trying....they will absolutely not succeed.
Seven, Getting another tattoo...in like a month....but still its happening! Well, I'm getting one touched up and the new one is small enough that hes just going to do it then cause the inks out anyways. I'm wondering if i may not even have to pay for it too. But I'm pumped, so yay.

Well that's about it for now, I'm hoping everything works out...i really am.

I Don't Like This

Ugh, i don't like this. I feel like ever since i couldn't sleep right a couple nights ago I'm different. Or at least something is different. I feel like I'm more snarky and awkward and just not my normal self. Idk, its almost like to me time is going by really fast, but in reality it is barely moving at all. And i feel bad for Deric because hes had to put up with me a lot. He keeps saying that I'm really not that bad and its OK, but i don't like being this way towards him or anyone for that matter. I don't like acting the way i am ever. I don't like feeling different. And then again, this may all be just cause its my period week. Who knows, and Deric if you read this, I'm sorry.

I Graduated!

I did it! I graduated! Finally. I have been through soooo much throughout my school career. So much, so many things that i never deserved, so many pointless things at times. But then, they were the best years of my life. I learned to be outgoing, to make friends just like that, I learned so much. So much. Ill never forget a thing. Ill never forget the fun times i had at all the different dances and theater related events. Coffee House, POPs, Allegros, Players, Dance Performances, Fundraisers, Fiddlers, Tree, Orchestra, Festival...all of them. They all have memories, good and bad, but all worth it. Some memories i hate that i have, but i would never trade them for anything else because of what i learned from them. I learned what true friends are and what they should do, I learned that there are psychotic people, I learned how i don't want to be treated, and i learned how to handle anything and everything. I learned how to stay strong, be strong. I learned how to study, how to not procrastinate. I learned that when i put my mind to something, i can do anything. When I'm determined, things happen. I now know so much more about myself then i ever did before. And i thank everyone who helped me to learn this.
There are things i will miss so much though. As i was putting together my picture board for my open house i think things started to hit me. I saw all the pics of me and my friends hanging out and having a great time. We will all be moving away from each other soon...and these times will not be able to repeat themselves. Our hangout times are getting cut short. I will miss everyone when they are gone. And i will NEVER forget any of them. They made my life a better place, a better thing. I am so sorry that i blew them off freshman and sophomore year for someone who turned out to be the biggest ass of my life, I am so sorry for that. I missed out on things that i can never get back form that, but i hope that my junior and senior year could make up for lost time. I appreciate you guys more than i think you all know, in many cases you guys saved me. We've been friends since 5th grade, and we have added to the group since. We added Jaclyn, Claire, and Kat in middle school. Then we lost Erinn come high school, but we gained Wiewiora, Zobl, Craig, Wilkie, and so many others. It honestly hurts when i think about being away from all of you, I'm gonna miss you. One last hora is what we need, the big bang to the end of a chapter. We'll find a way to stick together, i know we will, but it will be hard, it will be.
There is also the reality of theater. I'm going to miss all of you people to! You've been a major part in my life and i have met so many people and have made new friends through you. It was here that my shyness went away and i really became me. This place has my blood sweat and tears, literally. It is a home away from home. I know ill see you guys often and what not, but not like i used to. Tyler, you became a great friend and I'm gonna miss your silly face. Mike, your like a dad, all i can say is that I'm so sad about leaving you and everyone else. Theater is what made me and broke me. It is here that all hell broke loose and where some of the psycho people came from. But it all was a learning experience and it is other experience that will get me through life greatly. All was well worth it. And i will miss doing shows like i used to like crazy.
Then there was an emotion that i found strange, but as it hit me today it made sense. It was a sense of closure. Not like the stuff you need after a break up closure. But it was closure in the sense that there are people i will never have to see again as long as i live. Thank god. The people who are dating people i hate i no longer will see at lunch and in the hallways. The people who made my life hell in the theater or just in general i never have to see again, ever. That lifted my spirits a bit because with seeing those people comes mean emotions and thoughts about them or the people they are associated with. Basically, with me graduated, i never have to think of there sorry faces again. Ever. Nothing will be there to remind me of them. I wont have those thoughts or emotions anymore. The only people ill be seeing are my friends, like legit friends, family, and Deric. All of these people bring on good things, and even Amelia, who brings memories as well...mainly sad ones...is leaving for Colorado at the end of the month, so ill never see her again either. Cause its these people that fuck with my life, and by never having them in my head ever again, they cant do that anymore. It brings a sigh of relief to my mind and heart. Finally, its all over.
So on to the next chapter of my life. The real world as they call it. I'm ready for it. I have a great set of friends, an amazing man, and a great family by my side. I'm ready for anything and i cant wait for things to happen, like in the future, big things can happen now, I'm so ready. Hear that world? I'm ready and waiting...so bring it!

Beauty

Kaylee...you are beautiful, don't ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You might not have the sexy long hair or wear makeup that makes your features pop. You might not have big boobs either. But you are beautiful. You are you beautiful, its a different kind of beauty that only you poses and no one else ever will. They never could. Don't even think that you aren't, because I, your conscious, will come and slap you silly. Why ever think you aren't? Go look in the mirror and see that girl that everyone else sees. Be the cute girl you are, go on. Go and see your beauty.

What I Have To Say To The World

There really isn't anything that happened recently that this post will pertain to, but its on my mind so I'm going to say it.

You know what world? I may not be the most perfect person, have the best body, or the prettiest hair. I may not have the best skin or the biggest and best boobs, I may not always be the happiest person or the most sane person. I may not always look the best, whether it be i had no time to shower or you think that's so because i don't wear makeup. I may not wear the skimpiest clothes, or the most flattering, or even the cutest or nicest. I may not conform to everything society thinks i need to. I may not have the best grades or the perfect personality, or the prettiest eyes or nicest stomach. I may not flirt with every guy i become friends with or have a new boyfriend every few months. I may not party, or do drugs. I may not excel and one specific thing like a sport or hobby. I may not be considered hot. And i may not act how you want me to when you want me to, or even listen to what you have to say all the time.

But guess what?

None of that really matters. I am me. I will always be me. Forever. I've learned that i need to always stay that way no matter what anyone says. You want me to be something I'm not or look a way that i never can or dress a certain way that i don't like...well then screw you because that will be the end of anything between us. This final year of high school has taught me that i need to stick with who i am because the people that like that you will stick with you too. If they don't then for about them. I am who i am. I have my quirks and i have my faults, but not only that i have my positive and amazing things as well, and whether you think the same or not is up to you. World, this is me, I'm not going to change just because you want me to, if anything happens it will be because I want to. So I may not be perfect, but i am me and i am more than happy with that.

Maybe I Do Know?

Well apparently I'm tense and a bit stressed right now....and honestly, I have no idea why. Maybe its cause its my last week of school ever and its freaking me out and i don't know it. Or maybe its because my dads car just died again so i have no transportation on the most important week ever, that frustrates me a lot. Mainly cause i make plans and they are me driving...which now cant happen because i have no car. I will admit that i try to drive as much as i can right now because of Deric's restriction thing and i don't want him getting into trouble and its best to prevent that if i drive. But now i cant....which just makes me realize how much i need my own dang car. Sigh, that and some other things are bugging me right now that frustrate me, that and a lot of realizations are hitting me, and its tough. Huh, maybe i do know why I'm a bit stressed. I feel like i have been letting it out on Deric a bit and I'm really sorry for that, I don't mean to. I guess i just need a bit of time to relax, but with school and work and us not having the same days off often at all...its just kinda hard for me to do that. I'm doing my best to figure things out and I'm apparently stressing out even when i don't know i am, but I'm doing my best. I really am trying.

Recap Of The Times

I'm almost done! My high school career is over in 6 days. Graduating in 11. Its almost over. I'm excited and scared. But i have great people backing my up through everything so i know i have nothing to worry about. Had our honors convocation and i got my bronze cord. Yay! I'm proud of myself, and i know that other people are proud of me to. I'm pretty sure that Mike is even proud of me and I'm starting to get the feel that hes going to be really sad when i leave, just the way hes been talking to me and all. Gosh, I'm going to miss him. With high school I'm really going to miss theater...as much shit as i got in it over the years and the people i had to put up with, dear lord, I'm gonna miss it. There are so many memories from it both good and bad. Now though I'm in for a whole new set of memories, most definitely good and bad ones. But there will be new people, new schools, new everything really. Ill still have my Deric though, my best friend and my absolutely amazing boyfriend. I love him so much though, I've really learned a lot about myself from him and how people should really be treated and how they should act towards one another. How they should feel about each other. Know what? Ill make a list of the things i have learned from him.
-That i deserve to be treated like a princess
-That i am beautiful and NOTHING needs to change about me
-That i am loved more than anything else in the world
-That communication is a good thing, it fixes everything when done right
-That i love going on adventures and doing things with him
-Listen
-There are always new things to learn about people
-Don't bother with what people say about you, you are you and if it isn't true...screw them. You don't need them in your life.
-We both are amazing people
-That i have never loved someone so much before and i don't ever plan on stopping

There is a lot more to this list but this is what I'm putting on here for now. I've learned a lot from you and because of you Deric, you have really helped me to grow as a person and i continue to grow everyday that I'm with you, you are so wonderful. I love you so much and in 3 months exactly it will have been two years of us being officially together. All i can say is that it has been an amazing time and i cant wait to have many more years with you. I'm going off to college...well not really off....but I'm starting a new chapter of my life soon and i will definitely need you're help in it cause its new to me. Thanks for always supporting me cause that really pushed me and hey, my senior year is the year i had the best grades ever in, i tried my best and i had support for it which helped me to do even better and i made my goals for this year. And even what your brother told me at the beginning of the year i think i made that goal too. Just be myself, make this my year, and go out with a bang. Well it wasn't exactly the bang everyone thinks of but it was my own version of it, but i did that as well this year. I kicked butt i think. Go me! Gloating about myself is kind of weird...not what i normally do. But hey, its almost over, high school is almost done. Good job Kaylee, you did amazing.