So Many Wants..........So Scared

Full time work and school is a drag...I never see Deric and that is super tough. I want to have our own place now so I can sleep with him every night and so my bed stops feeling big, empty, and lonely. I've been feeling so lost lately. All my energy and drive has left me. I don't want to do school anymore. I want it to be over. This whole possibility of not being able to go to GVSU because of it costing too much or because i can't schedule it right is killing me, and i have to wait till the end of March to see if it's possible! To be honest....I almost want to take a break from school. Like, I've worked SO DAMN HARD and it's going to get me nowhere. I get no help. My parents don't pay for my college and neither does financial aid or scholarships. Part timers get no hope. I've never been able to just have fun and enjoy life. I've never gone out to the club with my friends or gone to the bar with them (not that that is possible right now but you get the point). I want to go out and dance and have a good time but they don't want to. They've had their college fun and the whole college experience. I worked my tail off at my job and in school. I didn't make new friends, I went to MCC where that doesn't really happen. I want to live a little before my time to do so is gone. I want to finally get that place with Deric and make love and cuddle every single night, I want to drink wine and margaritas and be classy at home and at the restaurants and bars,  I want to get an adorable kitten that will be me and Deric's, I want to do something I love and have always wanted to do for years but never had the money to, I want to work on myself and get into super good shape and eat right and be happy about myself, I want to learn to walk in heels like the supermodels do (or like Franny does), I want to get a damn smart phone and stay in better contact with my friends via all that stupid crap like snapchat and instagram, I want to dance as much as i can, I want to aspire at work and get higher up on the totem pole, I want to feel as strong as everyone thinks i am, I want to be fucking happy. I don't want to continue to drag myself down a very dark hole. I need a light at the end of my very dark dark tunnel. I feel like I'm not allowed to make that decision though, I'm not allowed to stop, I don't know what people would think of me if I did. I don't want to let people down and be a failure. I have to wait like 2 months before i can make any decision, but i am so scared right now and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so lonely every night and many a times i cry myself to sleep because I'm so scared and unsure and confused and just depressed over the whole thing. I have no clue what to do because, well, I just want a lot and can't have everything.

My Options And My Needs

So I'm not entirely sure what to do about school. Like i have a few different options and I'm not sure what to do....
A: Go to GVSU part time, do my bio major, then go on to vet school (original plan)
B: Go to GVSU part time, do my bio major, no vet school
C:Go to GVSU part time with who knows what major
D: Go to GVSU part time, bio major, with spanish minor, no vet school
E: Don't go to GVSU, no bio major, pursue things I love to do, move up at THD to ASM etc.

There are many more options but it all depends on if i can schedule these things correctly for my bio major at GVSU cause I might not be able to with my job. Money is also a MAJOR issue. I'm half tempted to just get my associates and call it quits for a bit until i can really afford college. Maybe go to Baker and be a vet tech, but possibly just pursue dance for a little bit. Just finally enjoy my life to the fullest. I LOVE dancing. Anyone who truly knows me knows that. Aka mainly Deric and my family. I'm really enjoying the idea of just taking dance classes and getting really good and it. I don't know. I REALLY FUCKING NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE REALLY FUCKING BAD.

Happy Morning

I had a very nice morning yesterday. I had a snow day so no physics so i got to go see Deric for a little bit before work. We just cuddled and he was saying the sweetest things to me. I wish i had more mornings like that. They make me so happy. I love Deric so damn much.

Lost

The last thing i need to do is get involved in other peoples problems right now. Last thing i need. I gotta care about me, myself, and I right now for once in my life. Yes I do care about my friends and i will still help them with their problems. Same with Deric. Of course i will help him if he needs any help. But other than that, fuck no. I have a lot too think about right now and a lot on my plate. I'm scared and angry and depressed right now and i feel like the world is crumbling around me. Everything I have striven for and tried SO hard to accomplish may have been for nothing. I don't know what I'm going to do and I am feeling lost and I feel like i have no one who understands and no one who is even trying to help or even just listen and let me talk about my situation or just someone who is trying to be there. I feel kinda alone right now. I don't want someone to tell me it is going to be ok because It very well might not be and I will not get my hopes up when i shouldn't. I need someone right now. I need someone bad. I was so lonely and sad last night because i felt so defeated that i went and got some of my old stuffed animals out and cuddled them last night because i didn't have anyone there with me. I have not cuddled a stuffed animal in YEARS. So yeah..i had hit a low point.

Pain

Yup, gonna go drowned now. I know it's wrong. I know. I'm depressed. I don't think i can afford college. I get NO help at all. Joy.

Big Universities Can Suck My D**k

I am so damn frustrated right now. Like angry frustrated. Why the fuck can't i get any fucking scholarships cause I'll be part time!?!?!? Because I won't be spending $20,000 a year at some big university so they don't see it worth giving any help to those who go part time? WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK PEOPLE GO PART TIME!?!?!?!? Cause they can't afford your damn college even with scholarships and they don't want to go into tons of debt. I've been offered scholarships but since I'm not going to be full time I'm about 90% sure i can't get them. Or like any for that matter. Cause oh those going part time are only spending tiny amounts of money so they don't matter. Fuck you university. You know....if i can't get ANY help at all and I wont take a loan out i don't want debt....and it's way to expensive.....I probably can't go to GVSU or anywhere for that matter besides MCC or a place like that. I know what i can and can't afford. I know I don't get any financial aid because my dad makes too much. I know i wont really get any scholarships cause well...I'm not full time. I guess I'll have to wait and see if i can afford GVSU. Then I'll see if work will help me at all with school....maybe they will. Someone has to care right?

I suddenly feel like I'm offending everyone. Like people don't want to talk to me. I text and get no responses. I'm not sure why. I don't like how I'm feeling right now. Did I do something wrong?