Desperation Tonight

Decided I don't approve. Sorry, yous kinda a slut and I don't care for you to be around him. Mine.

Other than that, feeling lonely again. I want you in my bed so bad. I want you to hold me and make me feel better, I don't like being anxious and insecure. I'm always insecure. Why can't i see myself the way everyone else sees me. I just see my flaws and the things that are not very nice. You see the good and the beauty. I see the ugly. I see others beauty which is partially why i get insecure cause many people I feel like are very attractive and I feel like I'm very not.

Desperately need you tonight.

I Love You To The Moon And Back.

You are my everything. I love you dearly. I want you with me every night,not just maybe once a week if we are lucky. I love you so much. I hope you know the extent of my love for you.

Lets Do This

Goal for tonight, get a real amount of sleep. No waking up in a panic like i have been, no having bad thoughts all night long that keep me awake, just a nice restful nights sleep. This may start pretty early since I might go to bed now and it's only 8:15. Deric wanted me to be rested for tomorrow so I'm gonna do my best to be.

I just want my in a panic wake ups to stop. No one likes waking up with their heart racing and having a feeling that something is wrong. Like the night that Deric went out, I woke up in a panic which was probably because he never called. Not sure why i unconsciously panicked about it but I did. My internal clock apparently knew he had stayed out way later than he said he would at the restaurant. But it has also happened for other nights too, not just that one. Or i go to bed and my heart starts racing. Like I'm nervous about something. Ugh i'm not sure whats going on, but for tonight I'm hoping nothing like that happens cause I want to fucking sleep for once. tomorrow night I know I will cause I'll be with Deric and he will be with me all night keeping me company and cuddling me and in my eyes making sure I'm safe and ok.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I can't wait to be with Deric all day cause I get out at 1 instead of 4:30 like normal so we can actually do things! Yay! I'm ready to be with my love all day cause after that well.....I won't see him for 2 weeks and I'm not sure how thats gonna go cause it fucking sucks. I see him like once a week and now I wont see him at all. AKA why we need our own place.

Get Out And Get In

Ugh, for once in my life I'm annoyed that my friend has butted into me and Deric's life. Like, one I don't like people questioning things that have already been discussed by me and Deric and that we have already agreed on. I don't like the fact that people assume the worst in Deric. Like seriously? I can confidently say that Deric will not hurt me like that, Deric will not cheat on me, and Deric will not do anything that he knows would make me angry, upset, hurt, uncomfortable, or like something he knows he shouldn't do. Yes, I do not agree with everything he does. I'll be honest about that. I'll agree that Teal is not the best person if shes known to sleep with men who are already in relationships. BUT, that does NOT mean that my Deric will do anything like that. OBVIOUSLY we talked about this. He tells me what he is doing, I tell him what i do. Thats how it goes. We do our best to be honest with each other. Yes there has been ONE thing that Deric did not tell me and that he lied to me about. But we talked it over, came to an agreement, and we are doing just fine. He still feels bad about it. No one knows what that boy says to me, no one knows that I have the sweetest and most kind hearted boy in the entire world. As long as Deric had to wait for me, as long as i was stupid and couldnt see a truth that was right in front of my face, He does not plan on losing me because he waited so long to have me and I have no plans on losing him over stupid ass shit. I love him to death. I miss him more than anything when I don't get to see him. I am so excited for us to get a place together. I am so happy he listens to me and to what i have to say. He listened to the fact that I have been lonely and sad at night and wanting him in my bed with me, but he knows he cant always be there, so he got me something i can cuddle with and act as him for when he cant be with me. That is how you know someone loves you, they take into account what you say to them, they listen to you and try to make your troubles better. I get insecure about many things, I feel like many people are much better than me, and yet Deric tells me every time that I have nothing to worry, I'm what he wants, not someone else.

All I've ever wanted is to have someone that loved me more than i could imagine. For someone to look at me every time they see me and just think I am amazing, to think I am beautiful and wonderful. For someone to look at me when I dress up for them and have them think I am the sexiest person in the world and they would want nothing more than to be with me. I think I have just this. I have someone who I really think (or at least really hope) thinks of me this way. I want nothing more than to be with you always.

Meh

I keep getting randomly anxious, not enough to say it's like an anxiety attack or anything but enough that I notice it. I think I'm just really....idk...feeling a lot of negative emotions lately about school and life in general. I mean, I have other good emotions too. It's just I'm anxious about things i shouldn't be. I won't say what they are because they have already been discussed and I know i have no need to worry or feel anything bad about them, but deep down I do just because I do.

Deric came by the college today and I was so happy to see him. I miss getting to relax with him. I want to live with him like right now. But i have to wait.

I feel like a really good girlfriend right now cause I bought Deric some stuff at Mejers and left it on his bed so it surprises him when he gets home.

I'm not really sure right now. I think I'll just go have the rest of the wine that we have in the house just to calm my nerves. I almost feel jittery.

I don't even get to spend Valentines with Deric. I'll just be lonely at work that day.

So Many Wants..........So Scared

Full time work and school is a drag...I never see Deric and that is super tough. I want to have our own place now so I can sleep with him every night and so my bed stops feeling big, empty, and lonely. I've been feeling so lost lately. All my energy and drive has left me. I don't want to do school anymore. I want it to be over. This whole possibility of not being able to go to GVSU because of it costing too much or because i can't schedule it right is killing me, and i have to wait till the end of March to see if it's possible! To be honest....I almost want to take a break from school. Like, I've worked SO DAMN HARD and it's going to get me nowhere. I get no help. My parents don't pay for my college and neither does financial aid or scholarships. Part timers get no hope. I've never been able to just have fun and enjoy life. I've never gone out to the club with my friends or gone to the bar with them (not that that is possible right now but you get the point). I want to go out and dance and have a good time but they don't want to. They've had their college fun and the whole college experience. I worked my tail off at my job and in school. I didn't make new friends, I went to MCC where that doesn't really happen. I want to live a little before my time to do so is gone. I want to finally get that place with Deric and make love and cuddle every single night, I want to drink wine and margaritas and be classy at home and at the restaurants and bars,  I want to get an adorable kitten that will be me and Deric's, I want to do something I love and have always wanted to do for years but never had the money to, I want to work on myself and get into super good shape and eat right and be happy about myself, I want to learn to walk in heels like the supermodels do (or like Franny does), I want to get a damn smart phone and stay in better contact with my friends via all that stupid crap like snapchat and instagram, I want to dance as much as i can, I want to aspire at work and get higher up on the totem pole, I want to feel as strong as everyone thinks i am, I want to be fucking happy. I don't want to continue to drag myself down a very dark hole. I need a light at the end of my very dark dark tunnel. I feel like I'm not allowed to make that decision though, I'm not allowed to stop, I don't know what people would think of me if I did. I don't want to let people down and be a failure. I have to wait like 2 months before i can make any decision, but i am so scared right now and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so lonely every night and many a times i cry myself to sleep because I'm so scared and unsure and confused and just depressed over the whole thing. I have no clue what to do because, well, I just want a lot and can't have everything.