Being Practical ALL Of The Time Isn't Practical

So shopping with my mother is never and has never been the best time I've ever had. A lot of the time it's when we are shopping for shoes. See, I have been wanting a nice pair of heels for a while now, just mainly to have for whenever i want to wear them and for going to the club or something (whenever i get to doing that), and for when i want to look good on a date or something. But every time i go to buy something like that, i show my mom and she just tells me that they aren't practical and that i should look for a normal, plain, and extremely practical shoe. It makes me kinda pissed and kinda upset with her. Maybe once in my life i would like to buy a not so practical something, just so i can have it, just so that it makes me happy to finally own something that i have wanted to for a loong long time. Maybe i just want to buy something for myself because i haven't done that in a while and food doesn't count. Being practical for a lot of things is smart, but living that way forever just gets boring and rather depressing. For a girl, i own like no shoes. They are all very old and very worn. I do have other heels but those or more formal and i wear them to very formal occasions. I want a less formal heel. I want a new pair of freakin shoes, i was going to buy them myself to! I kept thinking about it though after she made that comment and when i thought about buying them i just felt bad about it so i ended up not getting them. It really frustrates me sometimes.
Then there is the fact that my mom always is negative towards things i do before she is approving of them, always. Ill make something or do something that I'm really proud of, and she will look at it and be like oh well you could have done this or why didn't you do that. She criticizes it up to shit, then after awhile she will look at me and me like, oh, good job, its nice. That just hurts me and she did it a lot today. It really hurts me and i called her out on it today because i get sick of it. I'm proud of what i do and i want her as my mother to be to....
Lilly is also now on her period, and all she has been doing tonight is scream about her period, how she wants to see her friends, and anything else worth screaming about. Now, you may think yelling, but no, its legit SCREAMING. It makes me hate my house and being here. It starts to make me depressed because i get upset by it and it just ends badly.
Also, i know that me and Amelia's friendship is over for the most part. I mean we still talk at fiddlers because we are leading it, but other then that its over. But i feel like Amelia is trying to gain it back because she just ended it with Julie and she has been talking a lot more to me in school then normal. I don't want that back, but i can say that i miss that friendship. I miss having that kinda friendship with her, not the fighting and whatnot, but the ability to tell her everything about anything, even the dirty stuff. She kinda understood. My other friends really don't so i cant tell them much. I miss a bit of that friendship, i do, and right now its kinda making me sad. But ill get over it. I will.
Yeah, kinda in a sad mood again. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go over to Deric's in the morning, earlier so we can nap and cuddle together all morning. I need it really bad, just comforting and cuddling. Lets hope tomorrow is a much better day.

Lets Live

Lets forget the past and always move on into the future. Lets let NOTHING stand in our way of becoming who we want to be and what we want to be. Lets forget the people who hurt us, lets see the people who help us. Let us live our lives in the moment and not in the hour before. Lets live, lets have fun, lets laugh , and lets love. Nothing is going to stand in my way anymore, I'm gonna live and I'm gonna live and be awesome at it.

Content

Today was a good day, at school and with Deric. I had fun and laughed a lot at school. Then Deric came over afterwards, we had a good time. Im now in bed, its like only 9:30, hell yeah, and im content, im genuenly happy. I love Deric very much and i do enjoy school at times. Yay for a mostly good day.

The Woah In Life

Tried stuffs today, have yet to figure out if i should have tried stuff cause it causes a mini freakout, i think primamrily because a lot is going on with my life right now and it was my first time. Ill give you an idea of my thought process...

"What if i can't pass chemistry, then i cant have my dream job, but then ill have no life. Well what gonna happen with me and Deric in the future, what if he ended it or something, id be so sad. And with how i have been feeling lately, what if he thinks I'm turning into some depressed psycho or something, that would be bad. What if what if what if. This is what its supposed to be like, huh, seems normal, probably not what its supposed to be, i don't know though. Wow I'm kinda twitching, or i cant tell if I'm shaking form being cold. Hello that feels....weird, interesting, kinda cool. Huh, maybe i dont get vision/hearing differences, maybe just touch. Cool though. (little later) Moms a poo head, i hate her, she sucks, blah blah blah. shes just mean and I'm really sad and i don't know if I'm gonna be able to pull it together. Great...ok maybe mom isnt terrible, still unhappy, but feeling better. Heh...mom your kinda making me laugh and i dont know why. Hahahaaha...omg shut up were talking seriously here and i want to crack up, shut it!! Ok i can do this...omg drunken noodle. Noodle....noodle...noodle......hehehe........

Yeah..............not sure if there should be a second go around or not yet. Well figure it out.

I'm Important To You

Even when i feel like I'm suffocating you and not letting you have you time, even when i offer to let you have you time, you still want me, you still want to see me. You still want to see ME and all that i am and all that i bring. I cant put into words how this makes me feel, i just, i really cant. Around this time in my previous relationship, things took a plummet and i regret to this day not ending it then and there, my stupid stubborn ass.....sigh.....but basically whenever i would say hey lets hang out, it was a no, i have other better things to do or i am hanging out with this person instead. If i saw them as much as I'm seeing Deric, that was waaaay too much and i would go weeks without seeing them, i wasn't important to them. But, this is a whole new ball game for me, im important to you. IM IMPORTANT AND WANTED BY YOU, this makes me cry, happy tears mind you. You want to see me, even after we have been together for over a year now. I know your different from my ex, i have always known that, your not a jerk to me and an ass to me, you care about me and love me and tell me that you love me all the time. It's almost magical. Sometimes i guess i just get in a rut and for some reason think things are going to go in the same direction as the last did, i have no clue why, probably because i have my low points and this is one of them, but to know that you love me and that seeing me is of importnace to you even when i offer you to have a you day. It puts a happy smile on my face and happy tears come to me. I know this will never be anything like before ever, your to amazing for that. Thank you for everything. Thank you

Damn It....

I hope no one reads this. Who ever you are, please dont read it.

Somewhat wondering, what ifs kicking my ass, and slightly sad, depressed kinda, i dont really know.
For one, i feel like im suffocating Deric. He stayed up like all night just to play video games because he hasnt played them in forever because he hasnt had a him time in a looong time....and thats because of me. I feel really bad about this, like really bad...I get clingy i guess, and i love spending time with him. Then i guess i dont realize that i dont let him have any time to himself cause im always near him. I know i should give him space....but i want to spend time with him...and a lot of the times....i need to spend time with him because it helps calm me down and helps me to be happy. But....i dont know, im confusing myself....
The somehwat wondering and what ifs have nothing to do with that and neither does the emotions. Being at my house lately is making me unhappy, and that makes me sad. slightly depressed has to do with life right now and how school is somewhat kicking my butt and thats really hard on me because i had such high hopes and dreams that im not sure are possible anymore. That, and my hopes getting crushed hasnt happened in a long time (i have a great boyfriend who doesnt cruch my hopes.), this thing is about my future career, and it may not happen. I...I'm scared.....admitting this is making me cry.....im nervous. sigh. Ill talk to Deric about it tomorrow. I need a good relaxer, i need something. Maybe ill try that soon, just for the heck of it, that and im determined to get my freakin tattoo soon!!!

It's A Secret

So, life at the moment hasn't exactly been going as planned. I have started getting really worried and stressed about the future because my dream job just doesn't look possible, like, at all. And it's stating to freak me out, make me worried, anxious, nervous, sad, slightly depressed, and just a lot of confused emotions. Even my dreams are reflecting this. Had a weird dream last night that i was drinking a lot of wine and whiskey but it wasn't affecting me at all but i still drank it, i could even smell it in my dream which is weird cause i have never smelled anything in my dream before. I looked up on line what the stuff meant cause i was curious, drinking like that in a dream can mean your feeling insecure, worried, etc. Makes sense. I just really want this to all sort itself out, and yesterday kinda gave me that grace of possibilities. My mom told me that Victoria's Secret was now hiring for seasonal work. I JUST turned 18, so i can work there now, it all just seemed extremely coincidental and like it was meant to be like that. So i turned in my kinda application, was told ill get scheduled for an interview in the upcoming week or so, and I'm hoping, praying, and getting slightly happier that life may be taking a turn for the better. I'm probably hoping too much and my dreams could possibly get smashed into a million pieces, but i am hoping that the world is looking on me in a good way and i get the job, my sorta dream job. I'm hoping. If i get it, ill say that life is going to work itself out, ill be able to trust that. If not, i don't really know.