Thousands

So, there is definitely a song that i think is associated with the Twilight movies but i really love the song and think its really cute, its called A Thousand Years. They even played it at work today. They play a lot of things at work that you wouldn't think you'd here there like Panic at the Disco and Nickelback. Works enjoyable though, hectic tonight cause i was watching the desk, making a sign...which i didn't finish unfortunately  and was covering paint. And yes i know how to mix paint, i feel awesome that i can do that. My hours are getting better, i took a half hour lunch today because coverage was really bad. So that's more hours for me, yay. If i do that tomorrow ill hit pretty close to or exactly 20 hours this week....that's a lot more then i was originally scheduled for. Which is a really really good thing because the more hours the better to me. I don't really know what else to put here, hmmm. I think I'm gonna go make some tea, watch a bit of TV, then read some more of my Humanities book cause we have a test on that chapter next week and i need to read it. Today was a pretty decent day. Tomorrow should hopefully be to. I'm not sure if Deric still wants to price something tomorrow or not...he probably does....but it'll be interesting.

Lifeline

I just want to know that no matter how much i screw up and how much i may seem like a nut case, i want to know that your still going to stick by my side and be with me every step of the way. Cause i feel like because  i may be hard to deal and a handful sometimes, idk why, but lately i feel like you talk to me less or at least call me less then you used to. I assume it just has to do with how work is like usual, i just hope i didn't do something wrong is all. I do want to talk to you, we need to talk if I'm going to get any kind of help, and i hope that when we do you understand. I hope you accept everything that i am and apparently everything that may be wrong with me. I would really like to talk to you tonight, but i dont know if thatll happen, if i doesn't ill call you when i get outta work tomorrow and i will see you Thursday before i go in. But...it would be nice to hear your voice before i go to bed.

About To Blow

I don't understand what is wrong with me. I don't know if i am depressed or have some problem, i have no idea. Sometimes, the anger that is inside me is so strong i don't know what to do. But i'm not always like this, I'm usually not like this actually. It wasn't until my dad did the whole I'm not happy with your mom, I might move out, maybe divorce thing again. I was ok, i was dealing with my own problems and stress, maybe not always the best ways, but i did my best. I've tried to steer away from the things that made me angry, and most of them i have that i can get away from. There are ones that i can't avoid though, like what goes on in my home. That's where most of this is coming from. Sometimes though the stress of school and work and homework gets to me and that's when Deric will see me brake down a bit. That's usually just stress though because school gets to you.
Then the whole having no friends in town thing gets to me to BUT I am making friends in town like Alexis, I'm so proud of myself for that. I met with her today and had lunch at Hobo's. It was nice and we are going to do it again and hopefully get Cassie and Derek to come along to.
I hold things in, i don't talk, and that's because sometimes i think that maybe if i don't talk about it maybe it'll go away. It is such a childish way of thinking, but i wish it were true. If i don't talk about it sometimes i forget about it and the pain of it doesn't hit me then....and i would prefer it to not hit me at all....so it stays inside me. But then it all blows up at me when something triggers it. Yesterday it was Deric talking about the plans he made for his birthday if he doesn't get vacation that day. That was the trigger and i went off and then shut up and didn't talk. That is a whole other thing we need to talk about, but i don't like to because me being uncomfortable with things and insecure makes Deric frustrated and angry i think, because he doesn't understand why i feel this way. I can't make him understand, i can try, but i understand it's frustrating. I would be frustrated if i were you too. The only thing i ask is that you work with me and help me.
This anger though, i don't understand it. Sometimes it gets so strong that all i want to do is punch something. I want to yell and scream and hit something just to get it out. But I don't obviously. But my problem with it is that sometimes human contact makes me angrier inside. Like the other night.....Deric was kinda cuddling me....and i wanted to punch the wall.....it has nothing to do with him though, just know that. Its just the contact. But i need human contact, i need to be loved and cuddled. It keeps me sane. No i will not go to a therapist, because they don't know me, they don't understand. I will get through this anyway i have to but mark my word...i will get through this.

Never Understanding

GAH! Right now is not a good moment. I feel so....idk...down. Honestly its an insecure moment. I feel kinda ugly, outta shape, the works really. Funny thing though...i didn't think about my boobs until right now. I guess i leave one insecurity and go to the next. I hate moments like this, especially when i just kinda had a small melt down about the shit going on at home again. Apparently that means i am full of anger and need immediate therapy. Fuck that. Try going through this shit and not being angry..hard to do. I just try and channel my feelings into other things like studying, work, school, grades, Deric, etc. Sometimes i don't have the opportunity to channel it and it just comes rushing out. But now I'm feeling down on myself. Looking at pictures and realizing that I'll never be like some people....idk why this bothers me sometimes cause i should just want to be me...i see the beautiful hair, perfect skin, gorgeous makeup, perfect bodies, and obviously big boobs to but as of right now that doesn't bother me like it did before. I mean, i just chopped my hair off..i don't have long luscious thick hair, that's just not how my hair is. I don't have perfect skin....i hope that stops soon enough though. I have no clue how to even put on makeup, lol, not that that is a problem cause i don't like a face full of makeup, its annoying and bothersome. Idk, it is just one of those days. I'm also bothered by my ear piercings because i don't think they are healing...and that upsets me. Sigh....I'm just gonna go and do some homework or something......

Things Need To Heal

I want my ears to heal. Or at least the left one cause the right one seems to be doing ok. But i want to be able to wear earrings, really bad. I want to get other ear piercings too......and if these don't work then piercings are out for me. That would suck butt. I want piercings!

All Cute Smiles And Whatnot

You were so nice today. I have a smile on my face, i mean, i usually do but i am just telling you this time. Shopping, watching the movie, me just doing my homework, eating, etc...Idk, it was nice, calm, you were so kind, caring, cute. I could go on. Thank you for a really good day Deric, I love you so much. You make me so happy. :)))

No Comment

Again. My brother is tearing up and he won't talk about it. WTF is wrong with this family and this world. I don't understand anymore. I don't want to, but i do because i need to.