No Obligation

I have no obligation to like her or be her friend so i deleted it because that's just added stress that you know what? I don't have to care about. I don't care for her or about her and I don't like her. No obligation to be friends so I deleted her.

Deric loves me. That i what i need to remember always. I need to remember that although he is friends with her and can see slutty things hes still mine and if he wanted any of that stuff he would always come to me. Deric would never cheat on me. He would never hurt me. He wants to be with me even when I am a little psychotic, even when i yell and get angry over stupid things, even when we argue. we'll work out our issues and my problems together. I forget these things and i get upset. I get insecure and unhappy and get angry and yell at Deric. He's no lying to me or cheating on me or thinking about doing either and he knows that if anyone ever stepped over the boundary line he would immediately no longer be friends with them. We are going to be moving in with each other soon and  starting a very big step in our relationship. Deric seems to want to be with me for a long time and he wants to love me as much as he can and i mean the world to him. I am a very very important thing in his life and he is very committed to me as i am to him. I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize that and neither would he. I just have to get that through my thick skull and i have to realize that he would never let anyone else try or do anything so i just need to trust him even if i do not trust the people he is with. Deric is a smart person, he knows right from wrong, and he always has my best intentions when i am not around. As i have his, we know what the other would approve of and what they would not.

Lately I've been feeling clingy and I think it's just because of all the stuff i have been having anxiety about. I think my pills doing a little better because I don't feel as all over the place. So maybe the first initial month was hell month. We have 12 days until we move and there is so much to do still...its coming up so quick!

Never would I have thought that How I Met Your Mother would hit a heart string exactly when i needed it. The second too last episode made me cry because it made sense and it was almost some advice that I needed right now. Holy molly

I Just Want To Feel Normal Again

My Insides Are Going To Explode

I really think I need to get off this pill. I was feeling anxiety before and now...I can't even explain.

I'm feeling anxious and worried and stressed all the time. Like.....I keep having bad thoughts. Thoughts that hurt me and scare me and worry me and make me sad and depressed. They all revolve around Deric. Like this whole Teal thing is ridiculous. one I still don't appreciate things getting told when one is angry...that can't keep happening. But like...I feel like the smallest things are borderline hurting me which is so annoying and crazy and I hate it. I keep worrying that what if something happened. I mean....we are making a really big step and I think that as excited as I am about it I am so scared about it because this means I am opening myself to the possibility of getting hurt. Not that it will happen but I feel like I'm getting put into the open and....well...being vulnerable scares me. It's a thought in the back of my head. Like....this Teal thing is bothersome one because she is a girl, two I don't trust her one bit, and three she creeped on my facebook through my cousin!!! Like...she obviously was way too curious about me if she went through someone else's facebook to look at my stuff. That makes me uncomfortable...really uncomfortable. So i'll say this...I'm glad shes changing shifts cause I won't have to deal with this soon. Like, sometimes I feel like Deric doesn't tell me everything. I'm about positive he does but sometimes I feel like maybe he doesn't. Like the whole pot thing. He still goes over to Eric's house and even though Eric apparently quit who knows for sure. I know Deric really wants to still and deepdown I feel like he is smoking here and there and just hasn't exactly told me. All I want is absolute truth from him, I wouldn't be angry as long as I was told. I mean....it's more for the fact that in case something happened. I keep having these thoughts of what if something happened what if what if what if and I HATE IT. I feel like I am going to explode and I can't control my emotions and I feel like my insides are bouncing off the walls of my insides. I want to explode.

Deric, I love you. You know that. I know you love me. I am going to get off this pill because I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want our relationship to take a road we can't come back from because of my emotional instability. I am scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel open. I am not used to these feelings. Deric all i ask from you right now is that you help me. Right now I just need kind words and to be shown how much I am loved. Just kind words would do. Big hugs and loving kisses. I love you. We are going to move in with each other and we are going to start something wonderful. I just wish it was happening like tomorrow. I need you with me now. I want you with me every night now. I'm so excited for that. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I am so sorry I have been...well....insane lately. I am hurting you I know, I am sorry for that. Please please please please forgive my craziness.

Overwhelmed And So Unsure

What you said to me the other night was very comforting, and it made me cry. That when we lived together you would show me how much you loved me every single day. That was nice


I still feel like you are distant though. Like we are off. Like once again I'm really trying and some how you aren't. Sigh I don't understand whats wrong with me but at the same time I know i feel this way for a reason.

I am NOT in the mood to deal with this right now. SO NOT IN THE DAMN MOOD. Fuck this.

Who Says That...

You know as a female who does not wear make up, mainly for the fact that it bugs me and i have no idea how to put it on properly, when someone comments on the fact that you don't wear any it kinda bugs you. Especially when the person saying it is like "oh but your boyfriend would like it if you started wearing it...not that your ugly or anything but still." Like what the hell does that even mean?!?!?! I'm pretty but not really cause i don't wear anything? That Deric will like me more if I do? I don't even know, but definitely is not taken as a compliment. So I asked Deric about it cause i was curious. I must say i love my boyfriend. I'm not sure if he was just saying this because he really meant it or because he was being nice but either way it made me feel good. Well he first asked who said that to me and was like wth and then told me that i don't need makeup and that i pull of the natural look pretty well as opposed to others and that basically I'm absolutely fine as I am. I guess sometimes I do feel like i would be prettier if i wore make up but at the same time that isn't me and that isn't how i am or what i do. So basically i won't wear any because it's a hassle.

Dawn is talking to me about her new hookah and she sent me a pic and it was like instant uncomfortable for a split second. Sigh....i can deal with smoking cigars but everything else is just a no no to me. Or makes me kinda uncomfortable. I feel like this makes me a hypocrite which makes me sad cause i really dislike hypocrites. I also feel weird talking to her about smoking it cause well....i don't do that....and shes like super into it....and all i'm wishing is that she does not ask me if i want to smoke some. I have issues

We move soon.....we move soon....so much to do still....so much