Spilling Guts

I lied...I'm gonna post now.
So many things, so much hurt, so many things, so many emotions both good and bad, so much, too much?
That's what I'm trying to figure out. Whether all of this is too much, if i am going to be sane at the end of it, or if I'm gonna be an empty body on the ground at the end.
Lets begin:
We all know what is going on with my family right now, my dads moved out and periodically comes by. I am angry at him, frustrated, confused, but ultimately angry. Sometimes I'm livid. I hate it and what it is doing to everyone. It affects not only our family but those near us as well. My grandma doesn't want to be near my dad right now cause of what he is doing and I'm not myself right now so things between me and Deric get a little tense sometimes. But that also has to do with him being stressed from work and getting no sleep.
That spirals down though. I am emotional and irrational right now. Things that normally do not upset me do or things i could normally brush off i can't. Deric is stressed and snappy. To me it causes friction when there shouldn't be any.
Then there are emotions i have been feeling lately that i feel like Deric has to tip toe around or I get upset. Like how I've been feeling abandoned. My dad brought that on for obvious reasons, my mom has said that maybe it is time for me to move out, and I have been feeling lately like Deric is making it so he doesn't have to hang out with me as much if at all. Like I'm being avoided. When you are already feeling abandoned by your family having that feeling towards your boyfriend kills you. It hurts. I've talked to him about it but things still happen that make me feel that way. Like today, the whole bringing Eric to the bank. I understand you got payed to do it....but Monday is our day and when i rarely see you nowadays and you take that away from me.....i feel like....idk....like you don't want to be around me. Then that spirals into the whole what if he doesn't really love me anymore questions. I don't try to think that way though cause i know you do, at least i hope you do. I keep going back to the night you grabbed my face and told me you would always be there for me, the look in your face and your tone made me know that was the truth. I hold on to that. I just need to know you are there for me right now, that you will always be there for me no matter what. I need to be told these things because i am assuming things right now left and right and i need someone to snap me back and give me the truth. I need to know i am still loved to death and that you'll always be there for me....even when i get like i am now.
I'm sorry i was angry at you today....i was upset about that whole situation. I get angry a lot right now. Please help me to not feel that way towards you again, you are the one person i hope to not be angry with right now. I love you, you know i do. I'm a screw up right now and i wish i wasn't. I wish i was as happy as i once was, but I'm not. I'm struggling. I'll admit it. I am. Sometimes i feel like I'm all alone and it scares me and makes me really sad. If i ever lost you, especially right now....I don't wanna think about what would happen. Sometimes i feel like a shell. Just walking around and seeing things but not feeling anything.
Then my dad went and bought me a laptop.....and i felt like i was bribed. Like heir's a toy don't be mad at me. Idk what to do with that! I already have enough on my mind...stop adding more!
I've been feeling sick lately to. Like right now. Nauseous. I'd love to puke my guts up....but i know it'll never get there, it doesn't feel that way. I've been working out a lot more and that helps a bit for me to get away and ultimately feel better about myself.
I'm craving skin on skin right now. I know people don't understand but it helps me to feel closer to someone, i feel safe, comforted, its like my safety cocoon. It's something i need. Just like i need tea so freaking much. I love tea.
Today at the college was nice for me. Me, Ed, Lindsey, and Josh all hung out for over an hour cause class was cancelled and it was so nice. Me and Deric went to Kazumi's, a Hibatchi grill. So parts of my day were good....some parts not so much. Like getting a giant needle in my face....that always sucks. I could really use a spa day....
I am sorry i have been irritated with you a lot lately....I'm dealing with a lot and like your stress from work it sometimes comes back at you. I'm sorry, just know i love you and am proud of you and wish you the best of luck tomorrow.