Stuck In A Rut

When everyone hates you and does not want you living with them anymore. You bust your ass at school and at work. So you leave some messes at the house. Oh the cereal box is on the counter or there is a lotion bottle on the bathroom counter. Yeah my school stuff ends up spewed everywhere but that's kinda how i work and ill leave it and come back to it later, no i do not want to pick it up and put it in my room every single time i walk away cause my room is in the basement on the other side of the house....kinda difficult to go back and forth all the time when you want something. I'm angry, I'll admit that. I might have an attitude, that's because I'm pissed off at whats happening right now. I'm angry at how Lilly acts and how no one does a damn thing about it. I'm angry that you keep fucking with our family. I'm angry that you keep going when i tell you you should stop. I'm angry that when you re upset you bolt from the house and leave for house on end and refuse to tell people where you are. I know after the way you react when i saw it, but that's fucking you up that much more. Yet you see none of this and when i tell you you yell at me that i know nothing. That when i get married what am i gonna do? Dictate what my husband can and cannot do? What about when you have children and things happen, you will do exactly what I'm doing. Yeah no i won't. I would never way my children to feel the way I do. Or have their trust crushed by the few people that that should never happen with. I would never want my children to be told by their siblings that they should move out because no one wants them here anyways. I would never tell my children that they should move out because no one wants to be around them...when they already feel like their father doesn't want them............

I'm stuck in a rut with no place to go. We all are stuck, too afraid of change but still wanting it, but having no way for it to happen even if we wanted it to. All angry at the world and the luck it has given us. I held on to the promise that this would not happen again. Thinking that i finally could let my brain rest. Oh the mentality of the small bit of innocence left that thinks a promise will never be broken because its, well, a promise. And the crushing blow that hits when its shattered. With stinging tears and an empty heart all i can do is wait fro tomorrow. To go about my day the way i always do, yet, maybe this time ill contemplate heading home or not for the night. Thing is....I'm stuck in a rut with no place to go.