I Don't Know What To Title This.......

GAH Sleeping tonight is gonna be a bitch. I'm livid as fuck about Lilly, anxious as hell about stupid ass shit and I just can't seem to not be anxious no matter how i think about it, and like I just have so many emotions right now its a little ridiculous. I want it to be April, I want it to be May, I want it to be summer and I want to have moved up at my work, I want it to be my birthday, I want it to be October, I want it to be December. I want too many things and I just don' know what I'm gonna do. I want to not be anxious. I want to not worry about Deric going to the bar tonight. We talked about everything last night and I'm not sure why I still feel this way. I don't think it's the fact that I'm worried about the one thing anymore, although I am still annoyed by it....don't care if I've never met someone i can still judge character. I'm almost worried for Brandon and Kayla. I mean, knowing how Brandon was before with alcohol and now he is 21 so he can buy it himself now....I'm not sure how well this is going to go for them. I sure as hell do not want anymore texts at 4 in the morning with Kayla blowing up my phone over something shes livid with Brandon about. I feel like that could happen tonight depending on a few things. I wish my brain could just turn off and be totally empty sometimes. But you know, I think once school is done come the beginning of May this will all get much much better. I just have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT on my plate right now. I work 40 hours a week, I have to remember all of my homework and all of my due dates and all of the things i have to do, I have to make sure i study for all of these classes and I have to make sure I do not miss any of these classes cause I will get behind, now I have to worry about if we have everything we need for moving..aka all the things on my list and all the groceries I have to figure out which will be hard as hell and I'm just anxious thinking about that cause like holy hell that's a lot for the first trip, I have to make sure I'm doing my best at work so i can move up so I have to be like super duper good and amazing at my job and impress everyone, I have to make sure that I'm not a total loon to Deric because i have all this on my plate, I also have to make sure that I make sure that he is OK cause hes got some issues when it comes to moving, and not the normal issues someone has like all the emotions I'm feeling. I want to make sure he's enjoying this experience and that this all goes smoothly cause hes had bad experiences with moving and I need to prove to him that not all of them will be bad. Like this one, this is for a good reason and it will have good results. WE will be happier, WE will have a place of OUR own. There is nothing bad about the move, it is all for the right reasons. We love each other so much and that is why we are doing are best to make this happen, cause we want to be together. Like when Christmas roles around, boy I am gonna make him like Christmas and he WILL help me decorate the dang tree. 

I realize that typing this out kinda made me feel better. I just really wish I didn't feel the way i keep feeling. I do trust Deric and I know when i say i don't trust other people it shouldn't matter cause Deric would never let anything happen but like, I still have this deep thing i can't seem to let go of. I know none of them are an ex or someone hes had any relations with but I do know that the time being its with a girl that will cheat with men who are in relationships. That is what bothers me. Yes i have never met her but i already know her character and I don't like it. I have a deep thing that makes me feel like a boyfriend should not hang out alone with other girls....but as i think of that Livi hangs out with Tyler alone a lot and he has a girlfriend....I am going to say something right now that i will never say again on any other post because it makes me angry for many different reasons. FUCK YOU EX BOYFRIEND OF MINE. I should not feel this bad about things and i should sure as hell not have this anxiety. Deric is a wonderful guy but you poisoned my insides and my brain and fucked me over. Now Deric, the wonderfully amazing beautiful person that he is, has to deal with my problems. You hung out with exs that you had slept with alone in their house, you hung out with exs that all you could do was oggle at their boobs, you were the one that hung out with all other females more than with me, you broke the trust that i had in people and curb stomped it into dust. I was nothing to you. I wasn't important. Never once did I ever feel like I was worth something or that i was beautiful or that i was loved exactly as i am small boobs and all. Not once. I hurt so much because of you. I am so angry right now at everything. At all the crap i put myself through and all the crap I still can't seem to handle. I am angry that I am still broken. 

Now here is Deric wanting to do things that you did and I cannot seem to let him do it without feeling some sort of negative emotion about it. Why? Because all i have ever known is a bad emotion with it. But here is Deric who has not once given any reason to ever doubt him or his judgement in what people do, never have I once had a problem or issue or felt negatively towards him doing things with people. I have a fear that maybe Deric will end up liking one of these people he hangs out with more than me and leave me, it's a stupid thought but it pops into my head. But here is the thing i need to just learn and learn again....He LOVES ME for ME. He looks at me and wants me, he tells me beautiful things and makes me feel like a princess. He takes care of me and helps me and doesn't yell at me. He's doing all he can to fix a broken soul. I need to just let all my emotions flow through me, let them process, and then realize that I am with a man who loves me and will not hurt me. Yes i have been in a sense hurt here and there, but not like what I am talking about. Deric would never cheat on me, he would never do or allow someone to do something that he would know I would not like. I think it is time to feel vulnerable, meaning I am going to get rid of this stupid chip i have hanging onto me. This means I am going to let myself be open. Emotionally open. Vulnerable. I am scared to do that. Because I don't want to ache again. But i think it is the only thing that will fix my broken soul. I have to start anew with my trust, with my insecurities, with my emotions. I have no clue if this giant ramble makes any sense to anyone but myself and I don't want it to offend anyone in any way, but I am going to start trying very hard to open up, I closed myself and I know Deric can tell, I need to be open again. I will try, and I will let myself be vulnerable.