Holy shit

I haven't felt like this in a loong ass time. This is on the verge of the feelings i had when i drank. Or more of the feelings that caused me to drink. I feel sick, upset, and the mental blocks i have put up are crashing. I hate my mind for already knowing even when i wasn't told at the time. When something like that is told to me, my mind instantly knows what is about to be told, or what will be told in the future. And this is one of those instances. And now the fact that i have been told the details, everything that was said, everything that was done.....even something that i honestly view as a ha I'm better than you thing.....i feel like shit. Mental images are now roaring into my mind, those from the past, and those from what happened that my mind is imagining. I'm doing my best to get rid of them, and to suppress them. And its starting to make me un-emotional because to have any emotions it'll force it to all come roaring back. Plus i just don't even know anymore.....I need to talk to Deric badly just to get reassurance and a little help. But I'm not going to drink again even if i feel the need to....sigh...