Well...I'm dealing. Kinda....maybe. I cant seem to talk or think about it without breaking down a bit. I'm just pissed and upset and i honestly didn't think either of them were that much of a bitch/bastard. Its honestly going behind my back, both of them. I wish i could never see both of them again, but i still have to for one more year..then i wont ever have to again if i choose to. That will be wonderful. I don't need this crap anymore. I DON'T WANT IT ANYMORE!!!! Senior year hasn't started yet but so far i have had someone harass me about my looks and about Deric, now i have this. I wanted to be done with crap like this...but no...one of my best friends pulls it on me. Fucking bitch. I don't know why i decided to trust her again after she spread a bunch of crap about me around the school and was a total bitch to me. I don't know why i did. Now i kinda regret it. At least this is the last year i have to deal with all this. I even deleted him from facebook. Hes no longer my friend because i was ok then i saw his name and picture and i lost it again.
Another thing that this is causing me to do is make my mind start wanting to go back to my alcoholic times. I'm fighting it like you have no idea, i know I'm stronger than that and told Deric i wouldn't ever do it again. I am pretty sure i promised that. And i am not going to do it because i will not let Deric down and i know i can handle things and i don't need to go to alcohol for help. Its the same thing with Deric, he used to smoke but he stopped for me and hes told me he will not go back to it again and i know he wont because i know he wont want to hurt me or disappoint me either. I am also kinda glad that my parents aren't big drinkers cause there is no alcohol in the house and that helps the temptation. But i keep having this image of me chilling in a chair with a glass of like wine or something and just being so relaxed and just kinda out of it with not a care in the world. But that would be because of the alcohol. i just have to keep telling myself that i don't need it. I don't need it, I don't need it, I don't need it. "God grant me the serenity to accept the things i cannot change, courage to change the things i can, and wisdom to know the difference." That is a quote on a coin that Franny gave me...has to do with recovering from things like what i did. I just need to be strong cause i know i am.
I also have to thank Deric, i haven't been able to really talk about the situation yet because he picked up a closing shift today so me seeing him didn't happen, but hes been really caring to me about it. He keeps asking if I'm ok and i kinda snapped at him a little, I'm not even sure why i did, but he said it was ok and was cool about it. I know I'm going to break down a bit when i talk to him tomorrow about this...i know i will. But what he said over the phone s comforting me and the fact that I'm wearing his shirt that kinda smells like him is helping to. He told me that he loved me and that he wants to be sure that i always know that. (At least something along those lines). I know he loves me and it helps me when i go through stuff like this and it helps calm my mind. I just love him more than anything and more than ever...i think i just end up loving him more and more every day...hes my best friend and my amazing boyfriend. Screw the people who fucked me over in the past, who hurt me to the point that it messed me up, and to the people that were never what they should have been. I have something better now and all of you are in the past. I have Deric, the best guy in the world no matter what anyone says. I love him and he loves me and he is the best thing in the world. He is my now and all that is in the past.
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