Fallen Angel

This kind of grief is new to me. Sudden loss is hard and tragic loss is even harder. Watching you leave in a bag was hard, let alone knowing I would never see you again. Your picture is hard to see, but I know i need to keep looking. I need to remember your face. You happy face, the good times. We knew you were not meant to stay on this Earth long. We knew one day you would do it. Take your life. I realize you hurt every day. Now you are free. Your funeral is tomorrow. We saw you in a casket today. I have never seen a funeral home so packed before, know you were so loved, are loved. We all miss you.

Getting Places

I am feeling very good about myself and about everything.

-I am starting a new semester in college next month with some awesome classes

-My loan stuff has seemed to go through ok

-My semester now isnt over till next week but i will have a 4.0

- I am excited about the future (and nervous and scared and everything in between but thats ok)

- I love my little family ( Deric and Khaleesi)

-I am loving Yoga and i am getting a juicer for Christmas so i can start being super healthy and the other day i held the crow pose in class and i was sooo pumped ( Making progress!!)

-Khaleesi hasn't knocked over the tree with its ornaments on so yay

-Mt tea addiction is strong

-I thought about a few things and i came to a conclusion that i haven't said anything about but I think it is a good idea and from what everyone tells me it is way cheaper but still everything i want

-Pinterest is my all time favorite thing (so bad but i get a lot of awesome ideas from it and i love it, the crafty me is saying thank you!)

-I love my friends, coworkers, and family


There are a few things that are a little blah for me though

-Work is starting to feel like WORK, the kind you don't enjoy all too much but that is why my Baker life is pumping me up because there is HOPE

-I feel very groggy lately and sluggish when i need and want to do things and I don't like that...been thinking of doing a cleanse of some sort...the good healthy kind of course

-I NEED to get a gym membership! Yoga only goes so far.

-I feel distant at times with the world and the people in it, that is ok but I need to come back down to earth.



I am trying to be a better me and I am slowly, day by day, making progress. I think I will go walk down at Lake Harbor soon because i always feel refreshed after doing that and a walk in nature cures like anything for me. Even if it is cold as balls here in Michigan.

I am gonna start saving for my back piece (Mandala). I really want it. I think i will get the ohm sign someplace too. I need to start a regular meditation also, never realized how important things like that and savasana where till recent.

Wooden Doors

There is a weird emptiness that I am feeling right now. Whenever things like this happen, something very bad, there is a solid wood door that I shut my feelings away with. Like a form of protection. The door doesn't budge even if i want it to. Everything i am feeling i can feel it brimming, churning, bubbling just beneath the surface. I distract myself with things and i have no thought to think. I am surrounded by..... nothing. My sister, my beloved sister, her pain went too far today and she did something that could have really hurt her, luckily it was not an extreme pill. It was nothing that she needed out in the next few seconds or death would a cur. But it was the action. No being is worth that much pain to put onto yourself. No one. If they cause it is their own damn fault for being who they are. They are terrible creatures. Not you. Over time i have learned that not everyone is a true friend or someone who truly cares about YOU. People are selfish and don't understand the weight words can have on an individual. If what they say to you is true, it should make you re evaluate how you go about life because if more than one person says something then their could be truth in it. But when someone is an ass, when someone is bent on making you hurt and does not care for your well being because, well, they suck, they are not worth even worrying or thinking over. And NO ONE is worth hurting yourself for. We all feel pain and some handle it much better than others. I hope never again to be told what i was told today. I hope to never have to rush to an ER for that reason. I hope to god I do not see that kids face again. The one that hurt her. He will wish he never saw me. I protect my family and those i care about. It pains me to see them in pain. I held it together to be strong for them, for her, to show her love and support.


The dam broke and the door opened.

Sometimes things in my mind are better left there. Better left unsaid.

I am frustrated right now.

But i will not say much about that.

I find waiting till I have cooled off to say things is the best coarse of action.

That way you don't say anything you'll regret.

Plus you'll have a cooled off head.

Plus I am hungry, so that doesn't help.

Drunken Love

Its funny how drunken conversation can be so reassuring. Talking about things that are rarely talked about when we are sober is strangely nice. We can talk about the dirty things that are hard to bring up and things about the future that are greatly reassuring and bring a lot of hope. There is a lot of love in this relationship and a lot of understanding and a lot of hope. We just have to wait for those days in the future that we are oh so waiting for.


For me, I am happy. I am me. I think i finally can let go of the things that hold me back. I don't even take a second glance of the things that i could care less about. It's enlightening.

ITS OK

I didnt get the job....and thats ok
I dont have the perfect life..and thats ok
I dont have big boobs....and thats ok
I dont wear makeup.....and thats ok
Im not perfect..and thats ok

INTERVIEWS

So today i had an interview for department supervisor in receiving. I felt really good about it. Said all the right things i think. It would be by some miracle though that id get it now that i know who all applied. Id be at the bottom of the list. Now im feeling dumb for getting my hopes up. Why would they pick me? Those other guys are way better than me. Much more qualified. Ill go in when im called expecting not to get it. It would be nice but knowing Mike he wont pick me. Getting an interview was nice at least, more experience i guess. I just dont want to be stuck at the desk forever. Im good at what i do and im afraid its made me too valuable to move. That would suck. Who knows though...maybe there's a miracle in my future.

4 Years Have Gone By Already???

Doesn't seem like it but today is our 4 year anniversary. Like holy crap that's a long time. Like Deric said we have been through a lot. A lot a lot a lot. We have dealt with crazy people, crazy exs, bad friends, loss, gain, winters, moving in together, family drama, schedule changes, job changes, school, arguments.....and so much more. Deric makes me happy, simple as that. I love him and I always will. He is the absolute greatest guy. Even the cat loves him. Haha.

I Do Feel Bad

To be honest I do feel bad for snooping. I do. I know i shouldn't have. But at the same time I know that my something when something is off it is. I can feel when you feel uncomfortable. I have a crazy intuition. I know when something is off, and you don't always tell me. I trust you but when i get that feeling its hard to ignore and well...i investigated on my own...and found what you wouldn't tell me. You didn't do anything wrong, but i like to know these things. You see, when i know something is wrong I know, when it is bad enough i even know what people will say before they say anything. I get a feeling then words in my head and then they are always the same as what I am told.  It's like...idk...I can ever so slightly read minds. I still struggle with trust. I'm still struggling. I'm sorry I am. But like, my fears are very outweighed by how much I love you. I was angry at first but then i realized that I love you so much. I can't imagine you not being in my life. I love seeing you every day and falling asleep with you every night. You make me so happy. And i realized this means so much more to me than anything. I mean anything. I would do anything for you. The thought of you not being with me scares me. So..I am sorry. I do trust you that you didn't do anything. But know for the future that I can tell when something is off so please tell me.

Me Me Me

Life has been interesting as of late.

Me and Deric are doing good. For awhile there we were arguing a lot, like big arguments. I don't even know why half the time. It made me nervous and scared because I love him so much and it made me feel like we weren't going to work. But alas...we are doing good now. I realize that when we argue like that I have the biggest need to run. To get away from the situation..even though that is like the worst thing to do at times...that is how i feel. I feel like i am shrinking and the only way to save myself is to run. But at most i would just go into the living room because i didn't know what to do and i didn't want to leave. Even though that sometimes was a bad idea. But i guess those are things we just have to learn from to make a relationship work, we have to work things out.

I really do love Deric. He's...well...everything I want. He's handsome, tall, muscular, smart, playful, romantic, cute, funny, quiet, and so much more. There is/was one thing we were arguing/ having an issue with that made me feel unwanted and confused. But i think we have that figured out or at least understand what each other feels and needs. Something that Deric has said to me a few times now that means a lot is that he would do anything for me. He wants me to succeed and be happy. He wants me to go to college and get a job that i want. I feel like sometimes he wants to give me the world. I know i don't say it and I think it's because i am scared to but Deric, I would do anything for you. I would do anything to make sure you were happy. I always feel bad when your upset because i feel like i need to help you and i want to make it better. I want to be with you for as long as I live, and I know you have been getting a lot of pressure to make that decision from others (I have not put the pressure on you so to speak), but i want you to know that I hope you want that to and i understand its a HUGE decision and i understand that you will ask when you are ready but know i am gonna be right here with you always. You make me happy and push me to be the best me i can be and i adore you.

I have been eating healthier, working out more, and doing yoga every day. I am trying to get into great shape or at least be how i want to be. I do it or myself and my self esteem and obviously for Deric and its nice to be told you look great. Plus i can look in the mirror and see the results the yoga is doing even if yoga isn't like the intense workouts i normally do...its strength and flexibility training in a calming way and I really love it. I am trying to stay healthy and i do feel a lot better overall.

Khaleesi is the best cat in the world. Even though she has some annoying habits like being a freak when i do yoga or biting my feet when they move under the sheets or talking in your face at 5am cause she wants attention or meowing like a dying child i could go on but I love her to death and i know that even though she annoys Deric at times he loves her just as much to. The way he talks to her sometimes makes me know he will be a great dad.

The other day i dealt with the drama that i did awhile ago with a psycho chick. Something so stupid and so long ago caused her to be childish and post it to everyone and get lots of attention from it. While i was left to be told some harsh things about harassment and being immature. Long story short, i don't harass people online nor was I immature. Once again she was beyond immature and just like Amelia where she wouldn't admit that she could be in the wrong or that there was no need to have such an immature reaction. She was the mature one no doubt by saying a lot of stupid crap making it sound like she was perfectly fine in everything she did and over everything. Obviously not. But in the end it doesn't matter cause some people will never be reasoned with because well...they are forever immature.

I am SO EXCITED. I am going to Baker in the fall and I will go into the vet tech program in the future!! They have a 100% job placement and that means i have a future and a cool one. I might get to work with tigers and lions and who knows what! I am so pumped cause i really want to do this and it will end great. I am so excited and nervous and i just don't know. But i am so ready!!!!! AHHHHH.

Right now I am happy

<3

PS. Here is a picture of my cat :) And see, getting fit :)

Unheard

I will explain why i was irritated/frustrated.

Normally I have to call you on your breaks if i even want to tell you anything because when you call you give me like 5 minutes max to talk to you and what not. I had already been cut off on your last break so i waited for you to call cause you said you would and with like 4 minutes left you called....thanks....really enough time to say anything. It frustrates me cause when your at work i really feel like you could give a rats ass about me cause if i left it up to you you would not call on your short breaks at all and you would give me maybe 5 minutes on your lunch. We work opposite shift damn it and many times this is the only chance i get to fucking talk to you. THAT IS WHY I CALL ON YOUR BREAKS. I want to talk to you. Though you have made it somewhat clear that you would rather not talk to me. So if you want I can let you have it your way. We can talk for 5 minutes a day. I feel like I am worth more time then that but whatever. I sound really bitchy in this and you know what I do not care because sometimes you have to be. Sometimes no one will give a rats ass if your passive all the damn time.

I'll just continue doing my thing cause that seems to be what i have always done and will continue to do. Be happy with me myself and I.

Frustrated

Life As It Is Now

So me and Deric were walking through Lake Harbor today and we passed two old ladies sitting on a bench. We said hi as we passed and continued out conversation. There was a couple not more than 20 feet behind us that when they passed the old ladies one old lady was like "I WISH I HAD YOUR BODY!" so here i am like WTF BITCH. She has a bikini bottom on 2 sizes to small and a push up bikini top. Of course anyone would want her body. Made me irritated cause i have a nice body....could be nicer i have been working out less which is why i am going to really get back at it....but like seriously i was not even 20 ft away from them. What irritates me the most is the fact that skanky fake shit seems to get all the attention as always. Anyone trying to be natural and not wear all the push up ass hanging out shit will never get the time of day from ANYONE (Accept Deric cause he loves me and loves my body and i love him to death). Like how insecure do you have to be to wear a push up bikini? I feel like the chick had small boobs so that could be part of it. But just no, I don't wear push up bras really...they have some padding yeah but just enough to not have my nipple get hard and be like hello world how are you. I don't want to walk around with my ass half out. That's uncomfortable. I don't need to wear a pound of makeup or fake anything. If you can tell i feel very strongly about this. Probably because in some ways i wish i could be a total skank in public on a day to day basis and be totally ok with it. But i can't. I never could dress or be like that. I could never wear a shit ton of makeup one because i don't know how to do it and two i would feel....unreal? I have flaws and they are out there for everyone to see. I don't hide them or cover them up and I hope that means i am confident to some degree. I have accepted (for the most part) that i will always have small boobs...i will always wish they were a bit bigger but i have accepted that they wont be...that my fashion sense is my own, i don't dress in any skank style, pin-up style, grunge, blah blah blah....I don't wear a ton of skirts or thigh highs or revealing stuff. My style is me and that's how it will always be. I have tried very hard to dress different;y before and i was beyond uncomfortable, wasn't right. So yeah, i am me, i will start working out more and get my super duper kick ass body back that will make any fake bitch jealous.

On to the party the other night. It is strange that the group is evolving. We are drinking now and getting hammered. Well....everyone but me. At these parties so far i have not drank because i have either been DD or driving myself home later that night. Everyone else is drinking it up though. Everyone still seems like themselves just a tiny bit different. Olivia has changed a bit, shes...more...i dont even know the word for it but shes really a party girl now and happy to do bad things. Franny is I don't even know anymore, she almost annoyed me. Like for one she wore a top that had her boobs spilling out the top and a very short skirt and talked a lot about all the guys who talk to her and how hot they all were and how she was using big words and was very word smart and much smarter than most in general and just very onto herself and her accomplishments and just all about how amazing she was. She has become very arrogant. But if you knew Franny like we do it wouldn't' be a surprise. Everything is just odd.

I feel bad for Deric, he keeps getting a LOT of pressure from just about everyone but me about marriage. Yeah i want it to happen, but I won't force or pressure anything like that onto someone. I know that if Deric wants that he will ask when he is ready, i know that is a huge step for him and i would not want him to feel any pressure to make that decision. I mean if years go by and nothing happens I might say something but right now no. If you are ready to make that step you are and if not then wait until you are. You don't want to make a mistake in your life and you want that kind of thing to be with someone you absolutely want to be with forever.  Plus you want timing to be how you would like to, bad timing can run things too. So yeah, no pressure here. I'm just sorry work and your family is like so when is that happening?

Here is a picture of Khaleesi, our cat, shes a doll.

Sweetness

You have no clue how sweet you are do you? I won't go into detail on here because i think you need to figure that all out for yourself. BUT. When you really open up and when you explain things and when i really know how you are feeling...well...you a the biggest sweet heart you really are. It breaks my heart sometimes how sweet you are. I am glad I am with someone like you, who really truly cares about me and what i think and how i feel. You are truly a wonderful amazing person

Now

I crack and crumble when no one is around. I weep when they are all asleep. I fall when their backs are turned. Humanity sees me strong but the reality is is that when no one is there all the seams I have so tightly wound up just unravel. You talk to me on the pone i might sound fine but i could have tears just streaming down my face. I can't hide the emotions on my face, I have not mastered a poker face. But i can mask them in my voice. It's a terrible thing to do, to let everyone think you are ok. Even the ones you love. It's so hard to just break down and spill everything. All the little stupid things that i feel. No one needs to know if I am ok, breaking to pieces, or happy as a clam. I know there was once a time when my walls came down, where i told people what i was feeling. But, lately, those walls have shot back up so far i can barely see the tops anymore. I don't hang out with people like i once did. I don't talk to people like I once did. I don't tell you my feelings like I once did. And with this thing going on right now i feel like i really should tell you them, but i don't want to offend or hurt you or make you sad or anything like that. I know you say it is not my fault, it isn't because of me. Yet in a way i feel as though it is. I feel like maybe i am no longer good enough for you. Maybe you just don't find me attractive like that any longer. I mean, I know I'm not the most amazing looking person and i know i can be a handful. I will admit that this whole thing is frustrating for obvious reasons and that goes for both parties. You because well, obvious stuff and me because i can't get certain things when i really really want/need it. I know i shouldn't but in a sense i still feel rejected. Now i can't imagine what is going on in your head. If i think my mind is hell right now yours has to be the deepest darkest parts of hell. I know you are trying and i cannot ask for more than that. But just like you I am terrified. Down right scared. To be honest...this will sounds crazy...but the way we are going about it right now reminds me how couples go about attempting to get pregnant. Know that I love you and that I am not going to leave you. I would be a cold cruel person if I did that and I am not that way. You mean the world to me, to a degree i can't even begin to explain to you. I am just lost right now, i feel mildly depressed and i need you right now. I need to talk and you need to talk and i just need you

I Want

I am kinda irritated right now. Why is it that i ALWAYS seem to have to call you on your breaks in order to even talk to you because i feel like most of the time if i don't you wont call or talk to me. I must be something special if i am so easy to forget. I told you I am already mildly depressed because I'm home alone all day every day....and that does not help at all. Why the heck do you think I want a cat? I want something i can love, cuddle, and play with with me so I'm not lonely. I REALLY want the one cat we saw at Petco, like super duper bad.....but i don't know if shell be available in a month still....I'm just lonely here and this doesn't help one bit.

Relentless

Do not get angry at me because I decided that I can hang out with other people. The people i hung out with are dear friends to me. Dear friends that are leaving (it was one person but ill say friends). Friends that make me so sad to lose. Friends that will happily go buy fish with me and drink margaritas and just talk and laugh and do random ass shit. Do not ask why i have not hung out with you yet. I will but i do not cater to your every need. I know you are still hurting deep down about your break up and are probably very lonely because you have no one now. You may rely on me and others but do not get upset when we cannot be there. I have a life, I am trying to hard in many ways to make sure its a good life or at least one i can live with. I am not dependent on having people around. In fact, my times alone can be quite enjoyable. A matter of fact, my lone wolf mentality has become much stronger than it usually is due to my non stop school work schedule that went on for 5 months. I had no time for anyone and when i did it mostly went to the love of my life because well....he needs me as much as i need him. We are not dependent on one another, we rely on one another for support, guidance, and much more. I am irritated once again and the selfishness that some people have.

I am also irritated at myself and the.....way i can get. My insecurities get the best of me still after all these years now and again....I still struggle with them to a very very small degree. I think over all I am scared. I am scared that for some reason I will end up getting hurt beyond repair. But I know I won't. That's the thing, it's an irrational fear because Deric loves me more than I think I know, he deals with my issues like this when they arise even when i upset or stress him out.....which in turn i feel awful about. He's never once gave me a single reason to doubt his love for me or that he is mine and only mine. Yet for some reason, I am still scared. I see people getting hurt after years upon years and that scares me....but it should not because that boy thinks i am something so special and wonderful when i am nothing of the sort. I am just me but in his eyes I am amazing and for him to see me that way I know he is not going anywhere, deep in my heart I know. I am just so sorry for the way i am sometimes.

My best bud at work is leaving me and I am very sad. Cassie talks to me and tells me things and we laugh and joke and it's just....so fun to have someone like that. I am going to miss her greatly.

Hello New Things

Well it has been a long while since i posted on here but i have time right now so here we go.

Me and Deric are now moved in together. We have been for a week and a half now. So far things are going well I think. The apartment is very homey and nice, the size is nice to me. The kitchen is mildly small which is the only down side cause everything else is great. We are still working on decorations....definitely need more but until I'm done done with school those probably will go on the back burner till I have the time.

I'm happy now that we've moved in, I don't have the anxiety anymore and I feel way better. Although today i suddenly got sad, not like sad sad but liked bummed sad for no reason. I was driving and then bam, sadness. Not sure why but it happened.

I'm sad though that I don't get to like sleep sleep with Deric like I would like to. He normally goes to bed well after I do and most of the time I don't wake up when he comes to bed so I never realize we are sleeping together! Like tonight, hes coming home much later so I'll be in bed already and probably passed out.

I really really want a kitten. Like super bad. I hope next month we can really look for one. I need something here when I'm alone.

My day started well....now I'm in a total shit fucking mood. Don't even want to talk about it.

WHY ME

And suddenly I'm feeling lonely again. Very lonely. Overwhelmed a little. I mean.....we move in 10 days and there is still a LOT to do. Doesn't seem like it but there is. I'm trying so hard to just let things go and be ok with certain things and people and its really hard. I'm trying so hard in life and i feel like I still get no where. I mean, I have done so well in school....but after my associates i can't go to GVSU like i really want to. I.....I don't have the money for it and in order too have any money for it I have to work full time....but if i work full time I can't schedule any classes because they are all at random ass times/are already full/or they just don't work with my schedule. It makes me think loong and hard about maybe getting a factory job or something with a set schedule i could work around....but like right now there is waaay too much stuff going on and I feel stuck and confused. I feel like no matter how hard I have tried, because I want to do well and when you do well in school you get scholarships and what not and I did but none of them count because i can't go full time for the reasons stated above. Then like I'm still doing this new birth control pill and I think my emotions are calming down, I don't feel like I'm about to explode but like before the negative emotions seem to come up way easier and stay way longer than they should. That and lately I've been feeling gross, like icky stomach aches and nausea. I think it's all due to this pill. If these issues get less and less each month I'll try to stick it out because if it works it works. I still have issues about Deric being FB friends with a certain someone cause I am not a retard, I know he has gone on her profile and looked at her stuff and right now I bet he does it quit often because he is just now able to see everything. This bothers me. Ugh, look at me, being upset over some girl being friends with Deric on facebook.  All i was doing was reading my damn biomedical ethics too and this came on. Go me for being messed up. Now I'm crying cause I'm so frustrated and angry at myself and the world for not working out how it's supposed to.


*This is the very much edited version. I took a very large chunk out of this because it was not important. I talked to Deric when he got out and i do realize I make things a bigger deal than they are cause when i talk about them I feel dumb. Deric is kind about it though, he talks to me, he listens, and reminds me I'm the only girl for him. He's very sweet. So what was once in here before will be read by no one because it is now irrelevant. That makes me feel....good.

Silly boy, I can't even make an important phone call when Deric's around. Haha, he makes it...complicated...

No Obligation

I have no obligation to like her or be her friend so i deleted it because that's just added stress that you know what? I don't have to care about. I don't care for her or about her and I don't like her. No obligation to be friends so I deleted her.

Deric loves me. That i what i need to remember always. I need to remember that although he is friends with her and can see slutty things hes still mine and if he wanted any of that stuff he would always come to me. Deric would never cheat on me. He would never hurt me. He wants to be with me even when I am a little psychotic, even when i yell and get angry over stupid things, even when we argue. we'll work out our issues and my problems together. I forget these things and i get upset. I get insecure and unhappy and get angry and yell at Deric. He's no lying to me or cheating on me or thinking about doing either and he knows that if anyone ever stepped over the boundary line he would immediately no longer be friends with them. We are going to be moving in with each other soon and  starting a very big step in our relationship. Deric seems to want to be with me for a long time and he wants to love me as much as he can and i mean the world to him. I am a very very important thing in his life and he is very committed to me as i am to him. I would NEVER do anything to jeopardize that and neither would he. I just have to get that through my thick skull and i have to realize that he would never let anyone else try or do anything so i just need to trust him even if i do not trust the people he is with. Deric is a smart person, he knows right from wrong, and he always has my best intentions when i am not around. As i have his, we know what the other would approve of and what they would not.

Lately I've been feeling clingy and I think it's just because of all the stuff i have been having anxiety about. I think my pills doing a little better because I don't feel as all over the place. So maybe the first initial month was hell month. We have 12 days until we move and there is so much to do still...its coming up so quick!

Never would I have thought that How I Met Your Mother would hit a heart string exactly when i needed it. The second too last episode made me cry because it made sense and it was almost some advice that I needed right now. Holy molly

I Just Want To Feel Normal Again

My Insides Are Going To Explode

I really think I need to get off this pill. I was feeling anxiety before and now...I can't even explain.

I'm feeling anxious and worried and stressed all the time. Like.....I keep having bad thoughts. Thoughts that hurt me and scare me and worry me and make me sad and depressed. They all revolve around Deric. Like this whole Teal thing is ridiculous. one I still don't appreciate things getting told when one is angry...that can't keep happening. But like...I feel like the smallest things are borderline hurting me which is so annoying and crazy and I hate it. I keep worrying that what if something happened. I mean....we are making a really big step and I think that as excited as I am about it I am so scared about it because this means I am opening myself to the possibility of getting hurt. Not that it will happen but I feel like I'm getting put into the open and....well...being vulnerable scares me. It's a thought in the back of my head. Like....this Teal thing is bothersome one because she is a girl, two I don't trust her one bit, and three she creeped on my facebook through my cousin!!! Like...she obviously was way too curious about me if she went through someone else's facebook to look at my stuff. That makes me uncomfortable...really uncomfortable. So i'll say this...I'm glad shes changing shifts cause I won't have to deal with this soon. Like, sometimes I feel like Deric doesn't tell me everything. I'm about positive he does but sometimes I feel like maybe he doesn't. Like the whole pot thing. He still goes over to Eric's house and even though Eric apparently quit who knows for sure. I know Deric really wants to still and deepdown I feel like he is smoking here and there and just hasn't exactly told me. All I want is absolute truth from him, I wouldn't be angry as long as I was told. I mean....it's more for the fact that in case something happened. I keep having these thoughts of what if something happened what if what if what if and I HATE IT. I feel like I am going to explode and I can't control my emotions and I feel like my insides are bouncing off the walls of my insides. I want to explode.

Deric, I love you. You know that. I know you love me. I am going to get off this pill because I don't think I can do this anymore. I don't want our relationship to take a road we can't come back from because of my emotional instability. I am scared. I feel vulnerable. I feel open. I am not used to these feelings. Deric all i ask from you right now is that you help me. Right now I just need kind words and to be shown how much I am loved. Just kind words would do. Big hugs and loving kisses. I love you. We are going to move in with each other and we are going to start something wonderful. I just wish it was happening like tomorrow. I need you with me now. I want you with me every night now. I'm so excited for that. I love you more than you could ever imagine. I am so sorry I have been...well....insane lately. I am hurting you I know, I am sorry for that. Please please please please forgive my craziness.

Overwhelmed And So Unsure

What you said to me the other night was very comforting, and it made me cry. That when we lived together you would show me how much you loved me every single day. That was nice


I still feel like you are distant though. Like we are off. Like once again I'm really trying and some how you aren't. Sigh I don't understand whats wrong with me but at the same time I know i feel this way for a reason.

I am NOT in the mood to deal with this right now. SO NOT IN THE DAMN MOOD. Fuck this.

Who Says That...

You know as a female who does not wear make up, mainly for the fact that it bugs me and i have no idea how to put it on properly, when someone comments on the fact that you don't wear any it kinda bugs you. Especially when the person saying it is like "oh but your boyfriend would like it if you started wearing it...not that your ugly or anything but still." Like what the hell does that even mean?!?!?! I'm pretty but not really cause i don't wear anything? That Deric will like me more if I do? I don't even know, but definitely is not taken as a compliment. So I asked Deric about it cause i was curious. I must say i love my boyfriend. I'm not sure if he was just saying this because he really meant it or because he was being nice but either way it made me feel good. Well he first asked who said that to me and was like wth and then told me that i don't need makeup and that i pull of the natural look pretty well as opposed to others and that basically I'm absolutely fine as I am. I guess sometimes I do feel like i would be prettier if i wore make up but at the same time that isn't me and that isn't how i am or what i do. So basically i won't wear any because it's a hassle.

Dawn is talking to me about her new hookah and she sent me a pic and it was like instant uncomfortable for a split second. Sigh....i can deal with smoking cigars but everything else is just a no no to me. Or makes me kinda uncomfortable. I feel like this makes me a hypocrite which makes me sad cause i really dislike hypocrites. I also feel weird talking to her about smoking it cause well....i don't do that....and shes like super into it....and all i'm wishing is that she does not ask me if i want to smoke some. I have issues

We move soon.....we move soon....so much to do still....so much

I feel like you are pulling away and I am desperately holding on :/

So Yeah

Here's to a short and sweet post.

I'm emotionally feeling rather blah and somehow I'm not feeling ridiculously overwhelmed yet by everything even though i probably should. I feel like my minds just kinda...shut itself down a little to where it's not gonna bother me or stress me out. I'm not sure. I still have a lot to deal with and a looot to think about but yeah. I also feel bad right now for something. Idk, I'm sorry i act and say things that i do.

I Don't Know What To Title This.......

GAH Sleeping tonight is gonna be a bitch. I'm livid as fuck about Lilly, anxious as hell about stupid ass shit and I just can't seem to not be anxious no matter how i think about it, and like I just have so many emotions right now its a little ridiculous. I want it to be April, I want it to be May, I want it to be summer and I want to have moved up at my work, I want it to be my birthday, I want it to be October, I want it to be December. I want too many things and I just don' know what I'm gonna do. I want to not be anxious. I want to not worry about Deric going to the bar tonight. We talked about everything last night and I'm not sure why I still feel this way. I don't think it's the fact that I'm worried about the one thing anymore, although I am still annoyed by it....don't care if I've never met someone i can still judge character. I'm almost worried for Brandon and Kayla. I mean, knowing how Brandon was before with alcohol and now he is 21 so he can buy it himself now....I'm not sure how well this is going to go for them. I sure as hell do not want anymore texts at 4 in the morning with Kayla blowing up my phone over something shes livid with Brandon about. I feel like that could happen tonight depending on a few things. I wish my brain could just turn off and be totally empty sometimes. But you know, I think once school is done come the beginning of May this will all get much much better. I just have a LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOT on my plate right now. I work 40 hours a week, I have to remember all of my homework and all of my due dates and all of the things i have to do, I have to make sure i study for all of these classes and I have to make sure I do not miss any of these classes cause I will get behind, now I have to worry about if we have everything we need for moving..aka all the things on my list and all the groceries I have to figure out which will be hard as hell and I'm just anxious thinking about that cause like holy hell that's a lot for the first trip, I have to make sure I'm doing my best at work so i can move up so I have to be like super duper good and amazing at my job and impress everyone, I have to make sure that I'm not a total loon to Deric because i have all this on my plate, I also have to make sure that I make sure that he is OK cause hes got some issues when it comes to moving, and not the normal issues someone has like all the emotions I'm feeling. I want to make sure he's enjoying this experience and that this all goes smoothly cause hes had bad experiences with moving and I need to prove to him that not all of them will be bad. Like this one, this is for a good reason and it will have good results. WE will be happier, WE will have a place of OUR own. There is nothing bad about the move, it is all for the right reasons. We love each other so much and that is why we are doing are best to make this happen, cause we want to be together. Like when Christmas roles around, boy I am gonna make him like Christmas and he WILL help me decorate the dang tree. 

I realize that typing this out kinda made me feel better. I just really wish I didn't feel the way i keep feeling. I do trust Deric and I know when i say i don't trust other people it shouldn't matter cause Deric would never let anything happen but like, I still have this deep thing i can't seem to let go of. I know none of them are an ex or someone hes had any relations with but I do know that the time being its with a girl that will cheat with men who are in relationships. That is what bothers me. Yes i have never met her but i already know her character and I don't like it. I have a deep thing that makes me feel like a boyfriend should not hang out alone with other girls....but as i think of that Livi hangs out with Tyler alone a lot and he has a girlfriend....I am going to say something right now that i will never say again on any other post because it makes me angry for many different reasons. FUCK YOU EX BOYFRIEND OF MINE. I should not feel this bad about things and i should sure as hell not have this anxiety. Deric is a wonderful guy but you poisoned my insides and my brain and fucked me over. Now Deric, the wonderfully amazing beautiful person that he is, has to deal with my problems. You hung out with exs that you had slept with alone in their house, you hung out with exs that all you could do was oggle at their boobs, you were the one that hung out with all other females more than with me, you broke the trust that i had in people and curb stomped it into dust. I was nothing to you. I wasn't important. Never once did I ever feel like I was worth something or that i was beautiful or that i was loved exactly as i am small boobs and all. Not once. I hurt so much because of you. I am so angry right now at everything. At all the crap i put myself through and all the crap I still can't seem to handle. I am angry that I am still broken. 

Now here is Deric wanting to do things that you did and I cannot seem to let him do it without feeling some sort of negative emotion about it. Why? Because all i have ever known is a bad emotion with it. But here is Deric who has not once given any reason to ever doubt him or his judgement in what people do, never have I once had a problem or issue or felt negatively towards him doing things with people. I have a fear that maybe Deric will end up liking one of these people he hangs out with more than me and leave me, it's a stupid thought but it pops into my head. But here is the thing i need to just learn and learn again....He LOVES ME for ME. He looks at me and wants me, he tells me beautiful things and makes me feel like a princess. He takes care of me and helps me and doesn't yell at me. He's doing all he can to fix a broken soul. I need to just let all my emotions flow through me, let them process, and then realize that I am with a man who loves me and will not hurt me. Yes i have been in a sense hurt here and there, but not like what I am talking about. Deric would never cheat on me, he would never do or allow someone to do something that he would know I would not like. I think it is time to feel vulnerable, meaning I am going to get rid of this stupid chip i have hanging onto me. This means I am going to let myself be open. Emotionally open. Vulnerable. I am scared to do that. Because I don't want to ache again. But i think it is the only thing that will fix my broken soul. I have to start anew with my trust, with my insecurities, with my emotions. I have no clue if this giant ramble makes any sense to anyone but myself and I don't want it to offend anyone in any way, but I am going to start trying very hard to open up, I closed myself and I know Deric can tell, I need to be open again. I will try, and I will let myself be vulnerable. 

Updates

Ok so...there is a TON of crap that has gotta be said on here right now. I'll do my best to remember everything i wanted to say.

To begin, me and Deric signed a lease for an apartment and we move in April 12th.  I'm excited, nervous, anxious, a lot of different emotions. I'm very very sad that i will be leaving Blossom. I love her so damn much and it makes me cry that I won't be with her anymore. Which is why I think its good that we get a cat at some point, I think I'll need something there with me when Deric is away. But we are getting most of our stuff together pretty good. We still do need a chunk of things though. It is stressful in a sense, I'll admit that, but I've learned that the best thing you can do is be organized and well....not seem stressed.

I'm finally kinda doing well in my classes. I'm attempting to not procrastinate but I'm overwhelmed. My brain is fried. Although this week i think I've done well in my classes. Spring break was very much needed. A week off from school was very very nice. Me and Deric got to see each other a lot and we made our big decision.

I told Adam that I want to move up at work and he was very excited that i wanted to so we will see where that goes.

My anxiety is getting the best of me again. It keeps coming and coming and i feel like my chest has a permanent python constricting it. I feel terrible because Deric gets the blunt of my anxiety and my trust issues and my insecurities. He deals with them so well, I'm surprised he hasn't just up and left yet because i am a handful when I'm like this. I just wish it would go away....

Loving Nights

I am so glad Deric came over last night. It definitely made my night. He came over after work because i really missed him and I really wanted to cuddle with him. So we just laid in my bed, talked, and cuddled. It was only like an hour but it meant the world to me. He makes sure I feel good and that I am happy. He cares about me and that means more than you know.

I realized something the other night. When I have dreams that depict Deric as being not the amazing guy that he is...aka an ass....I used to get frustrated with him in real life. Not sure why I did but like just the thought of him doing what he was in my dreams hurt. Now though when I have dreams like that I just wake up, and if he is next to me I hold his hand (he's usually asleep so he doesn't know I do that), and I just think that there is no way that my Deric would ever do something like that. He is not that kind of person. Then I smile and just think of all the wonderful things that Deric has done and I fall back asleep. I really think that is a big step for me. I do.

Also, we are apartment searching and so far I think it's going well. We've found one place so far that we do really like. We just need to call and tour then well....have a place! We can afford it well too. I've been doing the budgeting and you know what? We make more than enough to get what we want. I am so excited to fall asleep to with that man every night. He makes me happy happy happy. :D

Someone Care Please

I'm unhappy at the moment. I'm so sad. I want to just break down and just cry. I feel so lonely right now and I feel like no one could care less.

I never tell my friends my problems, never. I've never been one to just tell everyone what is wrong in my life or just how I'm feeling in general. I don't reach out to people because I don't see my problems worth worrying over or big enough to even care about. Like Livi's issues are much bigger than mine right now so why bother anyone with mine? I find it funny though sometimes because there are times when one friend is begging for comfort and support for something and all i can think is huh, I'm going through the same exact thing, yet you don't see me telling anyone about it. But then again, I break down in front of very few people, I let no one see me vulnerable. You can all think of me as strong even when I know I'm not.

In general though, I want to break down. I want someone to sit with me, cuddle me, tell me its ok, just comfort me. My insecurities are trying to run rampant but I'm doing my best to not let them. I'm about to cry myself to sleep but I am trying not to. I feel so lonely and sad. Someone care about me please.

Help

Suddenly feeling lower than low. Fighting insecurities. Feeling so sad. Just suddenly in desperate need of a hug, of something. I feel like I'm going to cry. Feeling so low, almost alone, and anxious. Desperately need a big hug and some kind words but I won't get those for a few days still.

I'm Here For YOU

I'm here to help you. I'm here to listen. I'm here for YOU. Please take advantage of that. Talk to me when you are upset, tell me when you are unhappy, talk to me about the things that make you angry, talk to me. I love you so much, by now i would hope you realize that. With everything we have been through, realize that I do my best to help you and I do the best i can to make sure you are happy. You make me happy. You are amazing in every aspect. Please know that I am here for you. I want you to tell me your worries, frustrations, and fears. I want to know what makes you happy, excited, and joyful. I want you to be open with EVERYTHING with me. I try to be with you. I tell you things even when i know they will make you angry or upset because I know i should tell you. I tell you basically everything. Yeah, I realize that my in person talking skills lack a little cause I normally do much better at opening up on here or in text. I'm working on that though. But hey, I let you in on things here and I don't have anything that opens you up to me so you have to personally do that. Please talk to me hun, I will always be here for you cause I don't plan on being anywhere else.

You love me you love me you love me you love me you love me you love me so much.

Luna Love

Random thought, such a random thought. When we get a kitten, can we name it Luna? I think that is the most adorable name for a kitten. Especially a girl kitten. I'm excited for our own place! So excited. You've been saying such kind things to me lately. You've been making me feel much better about all the things that I just have trouble with. I really appreciate everything. Sunday is going to be a wonderful day.

Bumming

Valentine's is supposed to be a good day for those who are in a relationship. Yet why am I so not in the mood for it? Cause I don't get to see Deric and all I'm reading is all these stupid stuff about how everyone is going on surprise dates tomorrow and getting to see their loved one and blah blah. Here I am at work all day. My Valentines is going to be working and stressing all day cause of the district walk, then I'm gonna go workout, then go to bed. Yay, great day there. Then Saturday is gonna be opening at work, then studying all day. Sunday is what I'm looking forward to cause so far it can happen unless his work changes and Deric works Sunday. Ugh, just not in a happy mood right now, really bumming. Yup, bumming

Desperation Tonight

Decided I don't approve. Sorry, yous kinda a slut and I don't care for you to be around him. Mine.

Other than that, feeling lonely again. I want you in my bed so bad. I want you to hold me and make me feel better, I don't like being anxious and insecure. I'm always insecure. Why can't i see myself the way everyone else sees me. I just see my flaws and the things that are not very nice. You see the good and the beauty. I see the ugly. I see others beauty which is partially why i get insecure cause many people I feel like are very attractive and I feel like I'm very not.

Desperately need you tonight.

I Love You To The Moon And Back.

You are my everything. I love you dearly. I want you with me every night,not just maybe once a week if we are lucky. I love you so much. I hope you know the extent of my love for you.

Lets Do This

Goal for tonight, get a real amount of sleep. No waking up in a panic like i have been, no having bad thoughts all night long that keep me awake, just a nice restful nights sleep. This may start pretty early since I might go to bed now and it's only 8:15. Deric wanted me to be rested for tomorrow so I'm gonna do my best to be.

I just want my in a panic wake ups to stop. No one likes waking up with their heart racing and having a feeling that something is wrong. Like the night that Deric went out, I woke up in a panic which was probably because he never called. Not sure why i unconsciously panicked about it but I did. My internal clock apparently knew he had stayed out way later than he said he would at the restaurant. But it has also happened for other nights too, not just that one. Or i go to bed and my heart starts racing. Like I'm nervous about something. Ugh i'm not sure whats going on, but for tonight I'm hoping nothing like that happens cause I want to fucking sleep for once. tomorrow night I know I will cause I'll be with Deric and he will be with me all night keeping me company and cuddling me and in my eyes making sure I'm safe and ok.

I'm really looking forward to tomorrow. I can't wait to be with Deric all day cause I get out at 1 instead of 4:30 like normal so we can actually do things! Yay! I'm ready to be with my love all day cause after that well.....I won't see him for 2 weeks and I'm not sure how thats gonna go cause it fucking sucks. I see him like once a week and now I wont see him at all. AKA why we need our own place.

Get Out And Get In

Ugh, for once in my life I'm annoyed that my friend has butted into me and Deric's life. Like, one I don't like people questioning things that have already been discussed by me and Deric and that we have already agreed on. I don't like the fact that people assume the worst in Deric. Like seriously? I can confidently say that Deric will not hurt me like that, Deric will not cheat on me, and Deric will not do anything that he knows would make me angry, upset, hurt, uncomfortable, or like something he knows he shouldn't do. Yes, I do not agree with everything he does. I'll be honest about that. I'll agree that Teal is not the best person if shes known to sleep with men who are already in relationships. BUT, that does NOT mean that my Deric will do anything like that. OBVIOUSLY we talked about this. He tells me what he is doing, I tell him what i do. Thats how it goes. We do our best to be honest with each other. Yes there has been ONE thing that Deric did not tell me and that he lied to me about. But we talked it over, came to an agreement, and we are doing just fine. He still feels bad about it. No one knows what that boy says to me, no one knows that I have the sweetest and most kind hearted boy in the entire world. As long as Deric had to wait for me, as long as i was stupid and couldnt see a truth that was right in front of my face, He does not plan on losing me because he waited so long to have me and I have no plans on losing him over stupid ass shit. I love him to death. I miss him more than anything when I don't get to see him. I am so excited for us to get a place together. I am so happy he listens to me and to what i have to say. He listened to the fact that I have been lonely and sad at night and wanting him in my bed with me, but he knows he cant always be there, so he got me something i can cuddle with and act as him for when he cant be with me. That is how you know someone loves you, they take into account what you say to them, they listen to you and try to make your troubles better. I get insecure about many things, I feel like many people are much better than me, and yet Deric tells me every time that I have nothing to worry, I'm what he wants, not someone else.

All I've ever wanted is to have someone that loved me more than i could imagine. For someone to look at me every time they see me and just think I am amazing, to think I am beautiful and wonderful. For someone to look at me when I dress up for them and have them think I am the sexiest person in the world and they would want nothing more than to be with me. I think I have just this. I have someone who I really think (or at least really hope) thinks of me this way. I want nothing more than to be with you always.

Meh

I keep getting randomly anxious, not enough to say it's like an anxiety attack or anything but enough that I notice it. I think I'm just really....idk...feeling a lot of negative emotions lately about school and life in general. I mean, I have other good emotions too. It's just I'm anxious about things i shouldn't be. I won't say what they are because they have already been discussed and I know i have no need to worry or feel anything bad about them, but deep down I do just because I do.

Deric came by the college today and I was so happy to see him. I miss getting to relax with him. I want to live with him like right now. But i have to wait.

I feel like a really good girlfriend right now cause I bought Deric some stuff at Mejers and left it on his bed so it surprises him when he gets home.

I'm not really sure right now. I think I'll just go have the rest of the wine that we have in the house just to calm my nerves. I almost feel jittery.

I don't even get to spend Valentines with Deric. I'll just be lonely at work that day.

So Many Wants..........So Scared

Full time work and school is a drag...I never see Deric and that is super tough. I want to have our own place now so I can sleep with him every night and so my bed stops feeling big, empty, and lonely. I've been feeling so lost lately. All my energy and drive has left me. I don't want to do school anymore. I want it to be over. This whole possibility of not being able to go to GVSU because of it costing too much or because i can't schedule it right is killing me, and i have to wait till the end of March to see if it's possible! To be honest....I almost want to take a break from school. Like, I've worked SO DAMN HARD and it's going to get me nowhere. I get no help. My parents don't pay for my college and neither does financial aid or scholarships. Part timers get no hope. I've never been able to just have fun and enjoy life. I've never gone out to the club with my friends or gone to the bar with them (not that that is possible right now but you get the point). I want to go out and dance and have a good time but they don't want to. They've had their college fun and the whole college experience. I worked my tail off at my job and in school. I didn't make new friends, I went to MCC where that doesn't really happen. I want to live a little before my time to do so is gone. I want to finally get that place with Deric and make love and cuddle every single night, I want to drink wine and margaritas and be classy at home and at the restaurants and bars,  I want to get an adorable kitten that will be me and Deric's, I want to do something I love and have always wanted to do for years but never had the money to, I want to work on myself and get into super good shape and eat right and be happy about myself, I want to learn to walk in heels like the supermodels do (or like Franny does), I want to get a damn smart phone and stay in better contact with my friends via all that stupid crap like snapchat and instagram, I want to dance as much as i can, I want to aspire at work and get higher up on the totem pole, I want to feel as strong as everyone thinks i am, I want to be fucking happy. I don't want to continue to drag myself down a very dark hole. I need a light at the end of my very dark dark tunnel. I feel like I'm not allowed to make that decision though, I'm not allowed to stop, I don't know what people would think of me if I did. I don't want to let people down and be a failure. I have to wait like 2 months before i can make any decision, but i am so scared right now and I can't stop thinking about it. I feel so lonely every night and many a times i cry myself to sleep because I'm so scared and unsure and confused and just depressed over the whole thing. I have no clue what to do because, well, I just want a lot and can't have everything.

My Options And My Needs

So I'm not entirely sure what to do about school. Like i have a few different options and I'm not sure what to do....
A: Go to GVSU part time, do my bio major, then go on to vet school (original plan)
B: Go to GVSU part time, do my bio major, no vet school
C:Go to GVSU part time with who knows what major
D: Go to GVSU part time, bio major, with spanish minor, no vet school
E: Don't go to GVSU, no bio major, pursue things I love to do, move up at THD to ASM etc.

There are many more options but it all depends on if i can schedule these things correctly for my bio major at GVSU cause I might not be able to with my job. Money is also a MAJOR issue. I'm half tempted to just get my associates and call it quits for a bit until i can really afford college. Maybe go to Baker and be a vet tech, but possibly just pursue dance for a little bit. Just finally enjoy my life to the fullest. I LOVE dancing. Anyone who truly knows me knows that. Aka mainly Deric and my family. I'm really enjoying the idea of just taking dance classes and getting really good and it. I don't know. I REALLY FUCKING NEED TO TALK TO SOMEONE REALLY FUCKING BAD.

Happy Morning

I had a very nice morning yesterday. I had a snow day so no physics so i got to go see Deric for a little bit before work. We just cuddled and he was saying the sweetest things to me. I wish i had more mornings like that. They make me so happy. I love Deric so damn much.

Lost

The last thing i need to do is get involved in other peoples problems right now. Last thing i need. I gotta care about me, myself, and I right now for once in my life. Yes I do care about my friends and i will still help them with their problems. Same with Deric. Of course i will help him if he needs any help. But other than that, fuck no. I have a lot too think about right now and a lot on my plate. I'm scared and angry and depressed right now and i feel like the world is crumbling around me. Everything I have striven for and tried SO hard to accomplish may have been for nothing. I don't know what I'm going to do and I am feeling lost and I feel like i have no one who understands and no one who is even trying to help or even just listen and let me talk about my situation or just someone who is trying to be there. I feel kinda alone right now. I don't want someone to tell me it is going to be ok because It very well might not be and I will not get my hopes up when i shouldn't. I need someone right now. I need someone bad. I was so lonely and sad last night because i felt so defeated that i went and got some of my old stuffed animals out and cuddled them last night because i didn't have anyone there with me. I have not cuddled a stuffed animal in YEARS. So yeah..i had hit a low point.

Pain

Yup, gonna go drowned now. I know it's wrong. I know. I'm depressed. I don't think i can afford college. I get NO help at all. Joy.

Big Universities Can Suck My D**k

I am so damn frustrated right now. Like angry frustrated. Why the fuck can't i get any fucking scholarships cause I'll be part time!?!?!? Because I won't be spending $20,000 a year at some big university so they don't see it worth giving any help to those who go part time? WHY THE HELL DO YOU THINK PEOPLE GO PART TIME!?!?!?!? Cause they can't afford your damn college even with scholarships and they don't want to go into tons of debt. I've been offered scholarships but since I'm not going to be full time I'm about 90% sure i can't get them. Or like any for that matter. Cause oh those going part time are only spending tiny amounts of money so they don't matter. Fuck you university. You know....if i can't get ANY help at all and I wont take a loan out i don't want debt....and it's way to expensive.....I probably can't go to GVSU or anywhere for that matter besides MCC or a place like that. I know what i can and can't afford. I know I don't get any financial aid because my dad makes too much. I know i wont really get any scholarships cause well...I'm not full time. I guess I'll have to wait and see if i can afford GVSU. Then I'll see if work will help me at all with school....maybe they will. Someone has to care right?

I suddenly feel like I'm offending everyone. Like people don't want to talk to me. I text and get no responses. I'm not sure why. I don't like how I'm feeling right now. Did I do something wrong?

Se-real and Rugged Beauty

No one else sees what i see. No one else probably understands how i feel. No one else sees the absolute beauty that i see. For the record, I'm not talking about looking at myself.

Normal Day Really, But A Good Good Day

I had a pretty good day today I think. I mean, waking up at 6:30 to go to a 3 hour physics class is definitely not ideal BUT i actually did enjoy getting back into something like that. I also had tea this morning and the entire kitchen smelled like it and it was lovely. I got to go home afterwards and make a nice lunch and relax till i went to work. Got through the entire new Castle episode. Yay. I got to work and it wasn't busy, didn't go by too slow or too fast. I did have to make things look nice again cause apparently when I'm gone for 2 days the desk are gets a little hectic looking. Logan did do the Book & Physical report though which I will admit I am proud of because Logan is stepping up and taking responsibility with his job..and everything isn't falling on me anymore either. My mom was nice and got money out of that bank for me for my ballet shoes cause i was at work and couldn't do it myself and shes buying me grapefruit. I got 2 homer awards out of the blue. 2. You like never get 2 in one day. One was for who knows what cause Alyssa couldn't remember and the other was cause i won the Bravo award last month apparently. Oh, AND I'm employee of the month AGAIN. Yeah, I am FINALLY making an impact and people are seeing me and taking notice and I'm doing really really well. Then I started thinking about Ballet and how excited I am for it. It is going to be a super fun class and i will always love Mondays and Wednesdays at school for that reason. Then i was thinking about the conversation I had with Deric last night after he read my last post and called me cause i asked him to. I will be honest and say i think i remember everything we said but i am not totally sure on that. But like, just from what i know he said, I realized that I am really really loved. Like, Deric is the most amazing and wonderful person. He listens to me and what i have to say and tries to do his best to make me happy and he understands where I come from most of the time and tries to make things work like we are right now with the one thing. While i was thinking i was so so happy to have someone love me as much as he does and I am so glad I can give that love right back because I love him just as much. Today was a strange happy day, even though my back was hurting along with my stomach and boob again,  I liked today. I do miss Deric though. I'm glad i get to sleep over Monday though. We will have fun and it will be a good good night. I'll get lots of cuddles all night long.

Big Deal, Yes, But Petty In The Scheme Of Things

I don't know if this idea will work. I don't know if it'll last. I am trying to be supportive of something i don't support so I'm doing my best. I think what i came up with is fair. Still bothersome to be honest but fair. I don't want you to smell absolutely awful, I don't want anything to smell to be honest. Yes you can at home right now but realize later down the road you wont be able to so please don't begin to rely on it. I'm still struggling, I'm being honest here. I don't want it to be more than 2 packs a week.....My minds still teetering on that one cause in my heart i really only want it to be one but i know you don't like that idea so I'm compromising and giving a little more than i want and a little less than you'd like. So in my mind fair. You seemed happy, but mind you if you smell like it all the time...you wont be happy. Just please don't let it be a priority. Like, you know something big is going on. Like we are at a nice restaurant or cuddling in bed, don't go out for a cigarette then. Do it on your own time cause if you go...I'll begin to feel like i made a bad decision in letting you do as you wish, I'll feel like the cigarette will be more important in your life than me. I don't want that and I think I'm afraid of that. That if your rank of things you like the most has cigarettes on the high end of the list like with me. That would be where i would have to ask you to stop as much as i would hate it. But i don't want you to be addicted to them to that degree. You already are even if you don't admit it. You like it and i don't think you could just stop willy nilly. You are addicted and I'm accepting that fact. You need to accept that fact to, be truthful to yourself. But my other concern is if our budget gets tight at times when we live together, guess what, you'll have to stop for awhile cause they are not a necessity. They are a waste of money. Please be aware of that. I won't be able to get things i want either so we would both be in the same boat. But be aware of that. I love you, and i want you to be around for awhile. If you ever got any disease cause you smoked id kick you and be sad. If we have kids i do not want them to be around it. You have to deal with me on this and I'm going to have to deal with you. I'll have to see it and acknowledge it and as much as i hate to, accept it, and you have to see me upset and even angry at something you are doing that you could stop. Both things neither of us want to do but we are cause we do love each other. I would never want something like this to hurt us. I don't want to lose you over something so..petty. Now that i typed that...i think i can handle this more, seeing as i called it petty. I can handle petty things. But from now on i need absolute truth from you and communication. I probably seem harsh in this, but do not take it too hard. I just really needed to get the last of this out on the table and out of my head so it didn't grow into how you've seen me with this issue before. I'm learning i suck at communication to cause i think i was all whacked out because i wasn't communicating what i needed and what was hurting me and upsetting me. So i have to learn that too. But you also have to build back trust with me cause I'm the type of person that when i lose some of it it hurts and it hurts for awhile. I know you said that is the only thing you've lied to me about and i hope that is true cause i need truthfulness from you right now. And even so you have to prove to me that I can fully trust you again. Not that i don't, dear god don't take this as I don't trust you cause that isn't the truth. I just need reassurance i guess now. I know you are sorry for it i know you are, but, that's not exactly enough to gain it all back. That's also what I'm partially struggling with. But I'm doing way better with that after our talk. As long as we communicate, I think I'll stop feeling like this cause well, communication does solve many problems. I really just needed to finish this all out, get EVERYTHING out on the table. After our talk and this i feel like it finally is. I'm hoping this arrangement works cause i want you to be happy and able to do something you like, as much as i might not, it is still something that is part of you. I might not love it but I'm ok with allowing it. As long as it doesn't affect us and how we feel about each other it is ok. I do feel better about the whole thing now if that helps any. Yes it is a big deal but it is a petty thing in the big picture and i shouldn't let that affect anything. As much as i love you letting that affect everything in my life is stupid cause in the scheme of things i want to be with you, it scares me to think of life any other way, why the fuck would i let smoking impact me this much, in the big scheme of things it has no impact whatsoever. I just want to love, make love, and be with the person i absolutely adore, and that would be with you. I hope this post makes some sense to you and i hope you can agree with me on some things and at least see where I'm coming from and i hope that we can move on to bigger and better things now cause i think we have those kinda things ahead in for us in the future.

I'm Happy

Last night and today were very good. Me and Deric had our talk and we still have to figure some things out but everything is out in the open now and i feel a lot better. I got lots of cuddles and loving and it was so nice. I love Deric more than anything and he makes me very happy. I think I'm going to be ok. School starts tomorrow and I'm excited for it and bummed at the same time cause I'll see Deric a lot less. It's gonna get crazy but I'm so happy that I have him and that he wants to be with me.

Side note, my boob keeps hurting. Not so much today actually but it feels bigger to me and hurts. Yay being a girl.

Another side note, I'm starting ballet. I'M SO EXCITED. Just not sure what to wear....like..what do you wear to ballet class???

I'm Really Scared. Really Rather Terrified Actually. I'm Hoping SO Hard Right Now....

The Hug Saved It All

Thank you for stopping by, you really didnt have to since you were already home, but you did. I really just wanted a hug. The hug i got is what i needed. It was so comforting, comfortable, and it felt so right. I dont think it really felt the same for you but thats how it was for me. It reminded me of the first time we cuddled in your basement after my registration for junior year. Then it felt just like now. Comforting and just more right than words can describe. I love you so much. I think this will be the turning point into much better times. Much happier times and i am so ready for that. I feel like me right now, I feel like ME. I am happy for this, so happy.

I realize that my brain is basically fried. Bootcamp tonight proved that cause i couldnt retain anything which has never happened to me before. I can fix that. As much as starting school and work and everything is going to be rough i think it'll help my situation as odd as it sounds. I'm sad I'll see Deric less, but my drive will be up and ill be that much more determined to find a place for us. I am feeling drained a bit, sleep hasn't helped the feeling so its more but as of right now, I'm bound and determined to have better happier times ahead.

I'm Scared

My road is still rocky. I keep having arguments with Deric. I keep fucking things up. I'm scared that I will lose him. I am terrified. I need to really get a handle on my emotions. I need to think before i speak and think about how stupid i might sound. I don't know if I'm tired or if I'm stressed or what but I'm messed up. I have to get back to myself. I'm no sure what i need. I know what i would like but considering there is snow outside that doesn't really work. I'd like to have a nice long walk on the pier holding hands and laughing and kissing and something like that. I would like a vacation where we could go and relax. Please just hold me. You helped a bit today and I'm sorry i was stupid. Thank you for staying with me even though I know i piss you off a little. I've always been afraid that i will fuck up my relationships and right now I'm trying so hard not to do that but apparently I'm not doing a very good job. All i can say is that I love you more than anything. I can't see my life without you cause you mean so much to me. I am trying so hard to figure this out, I really am. You telling me to be careful scared me cause i feel like I'm on a last straw. Thank you for dealing with me. It means more than you know.