Being Practical ALL Of The Time Isn't Practical

So shopping with my mother is never and has never been the best time I've ever had. A lot of the time it's when we are shopping for shoes. See, I have been wanting a nice pair of heels for a while now, just mainly to have for whenever i want to wear them and for going to the club or something (whenever i get to doing that), and for when i want to look good on a date or something. But every time i go to buy something like that, i show my mom and she just tells me that they aren't practical and that i should look for a normal, plain, and extremely practical shoe. It makes me kinda pissed and kinda upset with her. Maybe once in my life i would like to buy a not so practical something, just so i can have it, just so that it makes me happy to finally own something that i have wanted to for a loong long time. Maybe i just want to buy something for myself because i haven't done that in a while and food doesn't count. Being practical for a lot of things is smart, but living that way forever just gets boring and rather depressing. For a girl, i own like no shoes. They are all very old and very worn. I do have other heels but those or more formal and i wear them to very formal occasions. I want a less formal heel. I want a new pair of freakin shoes, i was going to buy them myself to! I kept thinking about it though after she made that comment and when i thought about buying them i just felt bad about it so i ended up not getting them. It really frustrates me sometimes.
Then there is the fact that my mom always is negative towards things i do before she is approving of them, always. Ill make something or do something that I'm really proud of, and she will look at it and be like oh well you could have done this or why didn't you do that. She criticizes it up to shit, then after awhile she will look at me and me like, oh, good job, its nice. That just hurts me and she did it a lot today. It really hurts me and i called her out on it today because i get sick of it. I'm proud of what i do and i want her as my mother to be to....
Lilly is also now on her period, and all she has been doing tonight is scream about her period, how she wants to see her friends, and anything else worth screaming about. Now, you may think yelling, but no, its legit SCREAMING. It makes me hate my house and being here. It starts to make me depressed because i get upset by it and it just ends badly.
Also, i know that me and Amelia's friendship is over for the most part. I mean we still talk at fiddlers because we are leading it, but other then that its over. But i feel like Amelia is trying to gain it back because she just ended it with Julie and she has been talking a lot more to me in school then normal. I don't want that back, but i can say that i miss that friendship. I miss having that kinda friendship with her, not the fighting and whatnot, but the ability to tell her everything about anything, even the dirty stuff. She kinda understood. My other friends really don't so i cant tell them much. I miss a bit of that friendship, i do, and right now its kinda making me sad. But ill get over it. I will.
Yeah, kinda in a sad mood again. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go over to Deric's in the morning, earlier so we can nap and cuddle together all morning. I need it really bad, just comforting and cuddling. Lets hope tomorrow is a much better day.

Lets Live

Lets forget the past and always move on into the future. Lets let NOTHING stand in our way of becoming who we want to be and what we want to be. Lets forget the people who hurt us, lets see the people who help us. Let us live our lives in the moment and not in the hour before. Lets live, lets have fun, lets laugh , and lets love. Nothing is going to stand in my way anymore, I'm gonna live and I'm gonna live and be awesome at it.

Content

Today was a good day, at school and with Deric. I had fun and laughed a lot at school. Then Deric came over afterwards, we had a good time. Im now in bed, its like only 9:30, hell yeah, and im content, im genuenly happy. I love Deric very much and i do enjoy school at times. Yay for a mostly good day.

The Woah In Life

Tried stuffs today, have yet to figure out if i should have tried stuff cause it causes a mini freakout, i think primamrily because a lot is going on with my life right now and it was my first time. Ill give you an idea of my thought process...

"What if i can't pass chemistry, then i cant have my dream job, but then ill have no life. Well what gonna happen with me and Deric in the future, what if he ended it or something, id be so sad. And with how i have been feeling lately, what if he thinks I'm turning into some depressed psycho or something, that would be bad. What if what if what if. This is what its supposed to be like, huh, seems normal, probably not what its supposed to be, i don't know though. Wow I'm kinda twitching, or i cant tell if I'm shaking form being cold. Hello that feels....weird, interesting, kinda cool. Huh, maybe i dont get vision/hearing differences, maybe just touch. Cool though. (little later) Moms a poo head, i hate her, she sucks, blah blah blah. shes just mean and I'm really sad and i don't know if I'm gonna be able to pull it together. Great...ok maybe mom isnt terrible, still unhappy, but feeling better. Heh...mom your kinda making me laugh and i dont know why. Hahahaaha...omg shut up were talking seriously here and i want to crack up, shut it!! Ok i can do this...omg drunken noodle. Noodle....noodle...noodle......hehehe........

Yeah..............not sure if there should be a second go around or not yet. Well figure it out.

I'm Important To You

Even when i feel like I'm suffocating you and not letting you have you time, even when i offer to let you have you time, you still want me, you still want to see me. You still want to see ME and all that i am and all that i bring. I cant put into words how this makes me feel, i just, i really cant. Around this time in my previous relationship, things took a plummet and i regret to this day not ending it then and there, my stupid stubborn ass.....sigh.....but basically whenever i would say hey lets hang out, it was a no, i have other better things to do or i am hanging out with this person instead. If i saw them as much as I'm seeing Deric, that was waaaay too much and i would go weeks without seeing them, i wasn't important to them. But, this is a whole new ball game for me, im important to you. IM IMPORTANT AND WANTED BY YOU, this makes me cry, happy tears mind you. You want to see me, even after we have been together for over a year now. I know your different from my ex, i have always known that, your not a jerk to me and an ass to me, you care about me and love me and tell me that you love me all the time. It's almost magical. Sometimes i guess i just get in a rut and for some reason think things are going to go in the same direction as the last did, i have no clue why, probably because i have my low points and this is one of them, but to know that you love me and that seeing me is of importnace to you even when i offer you to have a you day. It puts a happy smile on my face and happy tears come to me. I know this will never be anything like before ever, your to amazing for that. Thank you for everything. Thank you

Damn It....

I hope no one reads this. Who ever you are, please dont read it.

Somewhat wondering, what ifs kicking my ass, and slightly sad, depressed kinda, i dont really know.
For one, i feel like im suffocating Deric. He stayed up like all night just to play video games because he hasnt played them in forever because he hasnt had a him time in a looong time....and thats because of me. I feel really bad about this, like really bad...I get clingy i guess, and i love spending time with him. Then i guess i dont realize that i dont let him have any time to himself cause im always near him. I know i should give him space....but i want to spend time with him...and a lot of the times....i need to spend time with him because it helps calm me down and helps me to be happy. But....i dont know, im confusing myself....
The somehwat wondering and what ifs have nothing to do with that and neither does the emotions. Being at my house lately is making me unhappy, and that makes me sad. slightly depressed has to do with life right now and how school is somewhat kicking my butt and thats really hard on me because i had such high hopes and dreams that im not sure are possible anymore. That, and my hopes getting crushed hasnt happened in a long time (i have a great boyfriend who doesnt cruch my hopes.), this thing is about my future career, and it may not happen. I...I'm scared.....admitting this is making me cry.....im nervous. sigh. Ill talk to Deric about it tomorrow. I need a good relaxer, i need something. Maybe ill try that soon, just for the heck of it, that and im determined to get my freakin tattoo soon!!!

It's A Secret

So, life at the moment hasn't exactly been going as planned. I have started getting really worried and stressed about the future because my dream job just doesn't look possible, like, at all. And it's stating to freak me out, make me worried, anxious, nervous, sad, slightly depressed, and just a lot of confused emotions. Even my dreams are reflecting this. Had a weird dream last night that i was drinking a lot of wine and whiskey but it wasn't affecting me at all but i still drank it, i could even smell it in my dream which is weird cause i have never smelled anything in my dream before. I looked up on line what the stuff meant cause i was curious, drinking like that in a dream can mean your feeling insecure, worried, etc. Makes sense. I just really want this to all sort itself out, and yesterday kinda gave me that grace of possibilities. My mom told me that Victoria's Secret was now hiring for seasonal work. I JUST turned 18, so i can work there now, it all just seemed extremely coincidental and like it was meant to be like that. So i turned in my kinda application, was told ill get scheduled for an interview in the upcoming week or so, and I'm hoping, praying, and getting slightly happier that life may be taking a turn for the better. I'm probably hoping too much and my dreams could possibly get smashed into a million pieces, but i am hoping that the world is looking on me in a good way and i get the job, my sorta dream job. I'm hoping. If i get it, ill say that life is going to work itself out, ill be able to trust that. If not, i don't really know.

I'm Getting Older

Well happy birthday to me! I'm 18 now, a legal adult. I can basically do whatever i want now besides drink, I dont think this has really hit me yet, but it will probably soon. Looking at where to get my tattoo now, thinking maybe Area 51, cause there is a one artist there who is really good at what im looking to get. So maybe...

But back to my actual birthday day.
School was pretty fun. Its spirit week this week and my birthday was tie-dye day, amazing, so i went all out in all tie-dye. I got some birthday cards and whatnot from friends. It was a good day. Then after school stuff. Deric came to pick me up, and guess what, he is the best guy in the whole entire world. He listened to me. He did what i had given a hint to. HE DID IT. He came to my school, all dressed up, with a single rose, and he even played Hanging By A Moment by Lifehouse, our song. I can say that i was embarrased, but at the same time so happy. I have a guy who is happy to listen to me, someone who wants the exact truth of everything about anything, and someone who always wants me to tell him if somethings up or if somethings wrong. He WANTS to know if um unhappy, upset, happy, angry, etc. All of it. I can tell him something i want, like the thing for my birthday, and he is happy to do it for me. When i think about this i squirm with happiness, if that makes sense. I love him so much. Then after that we headed back to my house for a family party. It was nice. Then me and Deric headed out to the mall and just kinda went on a little shopping trip. That was nice and interesting too. Then he gave me my suprise. A dinner at Red Lobster. Now I love crab a lot and i havent had it in such a long time. It was a really nice dinner of us eating crab legs and having funny conversations. We even had a chat about twilight. Very interesting. Then afterwards we headed down to the beach to see the sunset.  We took blankets and sat/layed out on the beach. It waas kinda windy and slightly chilly, but it really meant a lot to me. We cuddled and kissed and said I love you and to me, it was nice and romantic. I love spending time with Deric like that. It was perfect. We then headed to his house to have a litle fun, if you know what i mean. But over all it was a great day that i got to spend with my most favorite person in the world. My amazing, wonderful, loving, and just all around great boyfriend. I love you Deric.

I'll Give You A Hint

What do I want for my birthday which is in like, 4 days now. Well you know you want to do something for my birthday/ get me something. I don't think you really know what to do, o ill give you an idea. Kinda a wishful thinking idea because you shot me down once before i think when i said something along the lines of it, but if you want to top any birthday thing, this may do just that.
Part One (The part you shot me down with before I think):
I just want something nice, something romantic. Yes i know I'm a hopeless romantic, i know this. But part one would be you showing up to pick me up from school dressed up. Not like big suit and tie, but like dress pants, nice white button up shirt, and your dressy vest thingy. I feel almost embarrassed about this part...but you'd be holding a single rose. I have no idea why but to me a single rose is very very romantic. A whole bouquet of flowers is wonderful don't get me wrong, but if your going to go for romantic, then you go with one flower. You would have to be out of your car though mind you. This has just been a gesture that if anyone were to do for me, it would be amazing cause it something that i really want someone to do, preferably you.
Part Two:
After that i really don't mind what we do, but again...if it could be romantic that would be wonderful. I just, i don't know, want a reaaaally nice and romantic day. But whatever the rest of the day is to hold ill let you decide.

There are some ideas, i don't know if you'd do them or not. But at least i gave them. So there is my hint to you.

It's Kinda Like A Flash Flood

This post will have the good and the bad of life right now, cause there is definitely both going on at the moment.
Good:
I have the BEST boyfriend in the world. He takes care of me when I'm ill and just chills with me and cuddles me and is a total sweetheart. He kisses me and tells me that he loves me and picks me up from school because he knows i really like it when he does. Hes just the most amazing thing that has ever happened to me. Just the conversations we have and the things we talk about. I'm happy that we can have some conversations like we did yesterday and he isn't afraid to have them with me and they mean so much. We can talk about things like that and its just wonderful to be able to. I love him.
Schools going well. I'm not procrastinating for the most part. Things are getting done in a timely manner and I'm happy about it. I don't feel terribly rushed to do things and its a nice nice feeling.
Bad:
Well whatever is going to happen between my parents i going to happen soon. My dad wants to make his final(hopefully the last final) decision come like the next day or so. What a blast......I'm going to be sad if its the one decision, but there isn't anything i can really do about it.
My cousin has decided to basically run away from home. She left her house 3 hours ago on a bike and hasn't made contact with anyone since. Shes angry at her mom for telling her she cant have a boyfriend so she left and i don't know when or if shes planning on coming back anytime soon. My family is soooooooo messed up. These kinda things happen all the freakin time and its like they just wont quite. Shes destroying her life, and I'm pretty sure she hates me now to. Deric called me cause a guy she was with was driving like a lunatic and saw trying to race him on the highway(or was going at least 90 mph) either way, he was really concerned and i tried to call my cousin about it but she didn't answer her phone so i told my aunt because i was concerned for her safety to. But because i told her this information, he mother yelled at her, probably told her it was me who told her because she mentioned Deric, now shes going to be suuuuuper pissed at me once again because its always my information that starts this kinda thing. So that's going down right now.
My cold is getting worse and being ill sucks. I'm coughing up a lung now and it hurt and I'm still sneezing and have a really bad runny nose but I've blown my nose so many times now that my nose is raw. So now it hurts to blow my really runny nose.
On top of that I'm on my period. I honestly think that my immune system becomes crap when I'm on my period cause it seems like i only get sick when I'm on it.

So yeah, my life just kinda hits you out of nowhere, like a flash flood hence the title. At least there is good in it still though cause if there wasn't....who knows what i would be doing right now. :/

I Love That Boy, I Really Do

Just the way he treats me, talks to me. ^-^ Just everything in general. Even the way he answers to my hello when i pick up the phone. He generally says hey you and i don't know why but i love it. I think its the way he says it. Tomorrow he has the day off and I'm hoping to spend more than a half hour with him because since i have school that's all Ive gotten to spend with him at most at a time. I want to finally be able to cuddle with him a bit before i have to go to fiddlers because that's going to be one big STRESS ball. He just makes me happy even when I'm feeling kinda depressed. He always calls me on his breaks, even if it is only just to call and say I love you, it means the absolute world to me. I know he cares about me enough still that he still wants to talk to me whenever he can. He always kisses me on my forehead and the top of my head and gives me hug and always wants there to be a smile on my face and when there isn't he does is best to make sure there is one. I love him, so very much.

Guess You Can't Stay That Happy And Bubbly For Too Long

That or because my periods supposed to be now. I was so happy and confident earlier. I got everything done i needed to and hopefully get a job. Everything was going swimmingly. Then, idk, it crashed i guess. I started thinking about what could possibly be for real happening this time with my dad. He seems, very for sure this time, and it scares me. I'm not thinking about it much because it gets me sad and depressed and i told myself to not really think about it or get worked up about it. And I'm really not, its just hard i guess. Then for some random unknown reason i started having the thoughts about my insecurities again. I have no clue where it came from because i was feeling good about my boobs. I really was. Then my brain just was like no, they are small and why would anyone like them, blah blah blah. That got me kinda in a rut to. This happened at Deric's house to, like come one brain. Both these things actually at once. Then Deric noticed something wasn't completely right with me, he catches the slightest things. I told him about the dad thing...but i was embarrassed to tell him the other thing.....so i didn't tell him that one. I know he thinks its silly, and i know he thinks that i shouldn't worry about that kinda stuff because he loves me just the way i am any size that i am. But, it got imprinted into my brain and still likes to pop up every once in awhile. That and with how my face has been looking, aka not too good, just kinda wants to make me sigh. I wish when things were up and happy that they could stay like that. Cause when things get like this all of the sudden, all i really want is to just be held close, as close as possible, and told that I'm amazing and how much I'm loved and that no matter what, everything will be fine. I guess those kinda things are something i need every once in awhile.

You Promised Yourself

You promised yourself, you did you did. Keep that promise, itll be better for you in the long run if you do. You know it will. You promised yourself, you can do this. You can do this.

Being Extremely Bubbly Means You're Wearing Pink

Feeling good today. I just like days where i have things that i go and do. I went to Bed Bath & Beyond today and got Deric the tie-dye trash bin that i have been threatening to get him, he didn't believe me until i walked into his room today with it. Now his room has real tie-dye in it. :D I don't know if he was happy about having that or the trash bin in his room or not, cause he didn't seem terribly happy about it. But oh well. His room has a little me decor in it now. While I was at the store though i saw that they were hiring and got an application and I'm bringing it back tomorrow, hopefully something comes of it. Then I spilled Jones soda in my dads car, red soda mind you. There was nothing to wipe it up with but then i found a pad in the dash which i think i put in there a looong time ago and cleaned it up with that. I laughed and laughed as i was doing it because its red and on a pad....it just looked too funny. But hanging out with Deric was nice, since school started i don't get to see him as often anymore. Lately when we've been hanging out we just chill on his bed and talk or cuddle and talk. Its nice, Deric has always been my favorite person to just talk to cause he always is funny and has a lot to say. Cuddling with him and doing that is just wonderful. Afterwards i headed to a friends house to pick up a calculator so i could finish the rest of my homework(NO procrastinating this year!!) and once that was done all my homework was finished. Today just seemed to be a productive day and i really enjoyed it and yes, i was very bubbly today and there is nothing wrong with bubbly.

On the down side though, i have been very self conscious of my face lately. It was sooooo dry for like the past week and it looked gross and i had to put lotion on like 3 to 4 times an hour all day long. I think the dryness is basically done now, but guess what? Now my acne got really bad and its embarrassing cause when people talk to you, you watch their eyes and they don't look you in the eyes, they look at your acne. I hate it. So i have just been really self conscious about that lately, and it isn't fun at all.

You Dont Call Spotsies, And Your Dog Takes Your Spot

Schools getting better. I'm glad for that. But, i feel like I'm still procrastinating a little bit, or am still back to my old ways. I cant really explain it well, but to me that's what it feels like. Apparently, from what Livi and Franny told me, my friend who slept with my ex went up to them at lunch and asked them how much they hated her. They didn't really give her an exactly specific answer to the question...with reason. She also asked who all knew about what had happened because apparently WAY more people than she expected knew about it. Terre knew and like....a looooot of people know. She asked if i had told them, but i never heard their answer to that. What did she expect. She fucked up BIG time and started telling a bunch of people and then telling others became free game. She also told the other guy shes going after about her possibly being pregnant and going to take a test, we all know that if you want a secret kept....you don't tell him. He blabs...a lot. Which is why we keep things from him just to keep safe. I kinda laughed at the fact because when you start telling everyone you better be willing for it to spread across the school. You tell one person, you don't have to worry about that unless you tell the one person you shouldn't. But other then that things are going well.  Got blueberry bagels and strawberry cream cheese for my early mornings so yay for that!!

Passing To Failing

First day back wasn't terrible, but it wasn't good either. I'm worried about my AP Chemistry class though because we had a small review today and i had forgotten most of it, i cant find my binder from chemistry last year which would help me soooo much, and all the things he keeps saying you should remember because you were in honors chem i don't know because i took regular chemistry. I'm scared that I'm going to be so lost, so confused, and not pass the class at all. I honestly don't think passing this classes AP test is even possible at the moment. I have very little faith in myself for this class right now, very very little because I'm freaking out a little bit because the homework he assigned today...i couldn't even do because i couldn't remember how to do it. Deric has more faith in me then i have in myself at the moment. I only hope that this turns around.

The Beginning Of The End

Well, tomorrow starts my last first day of high school. I have zero hour though so i have to get up EXTRA early, which sucks, but i can handle it i think. I don't know how i feel about this year so far, cause it seems to be crumbling down around me, yet building up at the same time. Crumbling because i just lost my best friend and now to hang out with the group i have to sneak the event to everyone. I feel bad about it because even if i don't like her anymore that doesn't mean they don't have to either. Whatever they think is whatever they think, but i feel like by doing that I'm forcing my opinion on them and i don't really like that. Now I also may have just lost my German friend because hes angry at me for not being friends with her anymore and he doesn't understand my reasoning either. Ill be even sadder then i am if i lost him as a friend. I mean, yes i said no to being friends with her...but i didn't think that would mean having my other good friends mad at me and possibly start losing them as well. That isn't what i thought would happen. Building up because I'm going to have a new outlook on this year and like I've said plenty before, I'm going to be awesome and me. I'm gonna get rid of all this shyness and get noticed, I'm gonna break out of my shell. Its just strange to have your world breaking down and building up at the same time because i have to make the choice to permanently walk away from one so that i can do the other. It isn't going to be easy, i know that and I've been told that by a few people, but its what i have to do to stay happy, and sane for that matter cause i cant deal with crap anymore.

Now something that doesn't exactly have to do with tomorrow, this is more of my day today and my thoughts about it. One, the bonfire with everyone last night went really well and it was a lot of fun. Some people couldn't make it but that was ok, still had a good time. Deric managed to embarrass the heck outta me a few times, but you know what? After each time i just felt like i really loved the guy more because he was happy to tell these things about me because he was proud of me/him. Second, me and Deric's camping sleepover was fun to, not 100% as planned, but still fun. We stayed up kinda late just talking then playing poker. Then things got a little rough and i ended up getting a cut where you don't want a cut and i was bleeding and I'm actually sore because of it, but Deric was sweet about it and it makes me happy that he was so concerned that i was hurting, i know he really cares about me. Then we fell asleep cuddling with one another. So nice. Then we woke up to one another and when we finally did get up we cleaned up everything and took a nice little shower then made ramen cause we hadn't eaten yet. We then went to my house to have dinner. That went fine until my mom started to lecture him afterwards about what he was going to do with his life and whatnot. I feel horrible for what my mother does and i know this wont happen but i fear that hes going to get so fed up with her that he'll just leave me because if we have a future together hes going to have to life with her because hes with me. Idk, I just always feel like people will see they are better of not in my life because of how my family is, and it scares me. He doesn't even like coming to my house because of it. I just need this year to be over and i need to get a better job so i can move out and be done with this house. I brought him home afterwards and then all hell broke out once i got home. My other started screaming at Lilly, that blew up, mom started screaming at me, we got into a huge argument, she wouldn't listen to me..she never does and just chimes in with little bitchy comments....so.....i kinda grabbed her and held her still and kinda made her listen to me....i know that's bad. I am not usually a violent person, but the way she acts and the atmosphere of my house turns me into one because i just cant handle it anymore. I now feel kinda numb because I'm kinda upset about everything and i have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to figure out why my emotions and how things about my body are changing all of the sudden. Things like my apatite and just how my emotions are, they are lot more off the wall then usual. Like its getting to the point where i even feel like I'm way over emotional and whatnot  and then i think about Deric and i fear that hes going to think that I'm getting to be to much to handle or something or to stressful for him and leave cause i know hes dealt with this kinda thing before and i know he doesn't want to again. I don't want him to get so stressed with me that he goes back to smoking or something. I know he wont cause he told me hes not going to do that again and i trust him completely. The one time he did after that he told me about it so i knew, i asked him to not do it again and he hasn't cause its just like my alcohol thing. There are times i really do want to but i don't anymore because i told him i wouldn't and i don't want to lose him over something like that and i don't want to lose his trust because for both of us that is HUGE in a relationship. I'm just hoping i can fall asleep soon and just go to school and then possibly work if they don't call me off. I'm also hoping this post doesn't sound to worry some cause i do tend to worry and Deric always tells me not to cause there isn't anything to worry about which i know, but when i do worry about anything i need to get it out, but usually once i do i feel better..and i feel better now since I've written this. Just a lot is going on and its kinda affecting me.

Looking Up

This is strange for me, just cause i don't think i ever thought this kinda thing would happen or that i was the kind of person that people did this with. But like, I'm learning that a lot of people look up to me and really respect me. I know people respect each other, but like, this is a different respect. The kind of respect you give a teacher, or someone you well, look up to. It's a greater respect....and one that people have started giving me. Even with my close friends, some have started telling me how much they respect me and look up to me. Its different cause i never used to have that. I mean, i went from the shy quiet kid, to the bullied kid that no one liked, to the kid who made friends with both genders, to the geeky kid who really didn't care about her appearance and wore whatever i felt like, to the kid who made it to high school which then in turn changed her a LOT, to what I am now. And I'm going to continue to change this year as well because this year I'm going to blow those shores bitches away, I'm gonna be me, the me i want to be for the rest of my time, the real real Kaylee who's going to not be shy anymore. More people might start looking up to me then to, i don't really know. To have this chunk of people that i know of, cause there could be many that i don't, that look up to me and respect me like that, it gives you an uplifting feeling and I'm kinda proud of myself. I have been through a lot in my life, and to get where I'm at right now, it feels good. I've done something with my life and people are starting to see that and they are starting to see me, I'm not invisible anymore. This isn't going to make me all arrogant or anything, but it is going to make me a lot prouder of who i am and am going to show the world that i am. I'm going to be happier with me in general. Physical and mental me. This is just a good feeling.

Tomorrow, Get Here Sooner.

Tomorrow, i know your only a few hours away...but please get here as soon as you can. Today has been awful. I was supposed to work from 2-close basically because i picked up a shift, but instead I sat around for 6 hours waiting to go to work because they kept pushing my time back, but then in the end called me off. I need a new job SOOOO badly. One that actually stays true to the hours they give me so i can actually plan things and have a life. I want a reliable job that isn't seasonal. That's all i want. I was pushed back till 6 at one point and my mom was about half way there to bringing me and then i suddenly got a text that said to come at 7 instead. My mom BLEW up. She started heading there anyways to yell at the people for doing this crap and i yelled at her that if she did i would hit her and i would be fired if that happened. She then looked at me and asked me if i liked living at home and i told her that a lot of the time i don't. She then said that maybe we needed to start looking for a different place for me to live if that was how i was going to be. My mind went blank...she was contemplating kicking me out....and i didn't even know what for! Then her and my dad have been fighting all day and because of it she took us to russ' for dinner and told me all these things she wanted to go do so before we did we dropped my siblings off at home and my dad happened to have come home. We left and stopped by my work and the video store and then she was on the phone with my dad and arguing with him again. When i asked her to go do the things she said she wanted to do and told me we could do...she said she didn't want to do them anymore. I wasn't happy. I just looked and her and basically said so you want to do all these things with me when your angry and upset with your husband but when hes home and you can see him you want nothing more with me or want to do anything with me anymore, thanks mom. She seemed unhappy by that but never said anything.
I just wish that my house had happy days, i wish my job was reliable, and i just wish. Thankfully though i have tomorrow. Me and Deric are camping in his backyard, just us two. We are having friends over for a bonfire before so that will be fun, but in the end it'll be just us to falling asleep and waking up to each other. I have wanted this for such a long time and I'm soooooooooooooooo happy that its finally going to happen. I love him so much and he helps me through so much. There are a few other things I'm slightly wondering about as well...but hopefully i get that sorted out soon enough. But yay for tomorrow, yay for friends, and yay for an amazing boyfriend.

The Past Is The Past

Well, the title says it. The past is the past and it is time i forget about it (even if it only happened a day ago) and move on with my life. Its time to do that. Starting today, right now, its happening. This will be a shorter post, but what Kyle said yesterday made sense and it seemed like he was saying move on and be who you want to be. Makes sense since he told me to let loose and show up the shores bitches. Also what Deric says makes sense to. Just forget about it, its not part of your life anymore, Starting now. This feels good.

The Ideal Just Died...But A New One Took Its Place

I'm sitting and staring at this computer, sleeping probably isn't going to work out terribly well anytime soon. My mind just has way to many things in it at the moment.
After everything that happened, me and my friend finally decided to no longer be friends. I honestly think she has some mental retardation to her because i had to explain friendship to her. She only is thinking for herself and not how what she does affects her friends. I'm just fed up with it, i am. She even went on to basically call me a bitch and tried to tell me how to live my life. Sigh. Senior year just isn't going how it ideally should. Cause ideally, there would be little to no drama to start out with and hopefully through the whole year, i would still have all my friends and not have to worry about any of them, and id have an awesome job. But sadly...the ideal passed away about a month ago. Drama has already happened...as you have read, friendship just ended, and my job is kinda crappy. Le sigh.

Bright side though. I talked to Kyle today. He made a lot of sense.I'm going to go out senior year with a bang. I'm going to be who I'm meant to be and my shyness will go away. People can think what they want, but im gonna be me. Im gonna be full of awesomness.
"Kaylee is so freakin' cool... she could run the world, and she doesn't even know it... my lil' bro is a lucky guy :)" A quote from Kyle, it made my night a lot better. Kinda made me cry to because it meant a lot to me.
So i guess what im saying is that even though it seems like senior year is gonna suck, there still is hope and im actually looking forward to breaking out of my shell. Thank you Kyle. You helped me a lot tonight.