Well, tomorrow starts my last first day of high school. I have zero hour though so i have to get up EXTRA early, which sucks, but i can handle it i think. I don't know how i feel about this year so far, cause it seems to be crumbling down around me, yet building up at the same time. Crumbling because i just lost my best friend and now to hang out with the group i have to sneak the event to everyone. I feel bad about it because even if i don't like her anymore that doesn't mean they don't have to either. Whatever they think is whatever they think, but i feel like by doing that I'm forcing my opinion on them and i don't really like that. Now I also may have just lost my German friend because hes angry at me for not being friends with her anymore and he doesn't understand my reasoning either. Ill be even sadder then i am if i lost him as a friend. I mean, yes i said no to being friends with her...but i didn't think that would mean having my other good friends mad at me and possibly start losing them as well. That isn't what i thought would happen. Building up because I'm going to have a new outlook on this year and like I've said plenty before, I'm going to be awesome and me. I'm gonna get rid of all this shyness and get noticed, I'm gonna break out of my shell. Its just strange to have your world breaking down and building up at the same time because i have to make the choice to permanently walk away from one so that i can do the other. It isn't going to be easy, i know that and I've been told that by a few people, but its what i have to do to stay happy, and sane for that matter cause i cant deal with crap anymore.
Now something that doesn't exactly have to do with tomorrow, this is more of my day today and my thoughts about it. One, the bonfire with everyone last night went really well and it was a lot of fun. Some people couldn't make it but that was ok, still had a good time. Deric managed to embarrass the heck outta me a few times, but you know what? After each time i just felt like i really loved the guy more because he was happy to tell these things about me because he was proud of me/him. Second, me and Deric's camping sleepover was fun to, not 100% as planned, but still fun. We stayed up kinda late just talking then playing poker. Then things got a little rough and i ended up getting a cut where you don't want a cut and i was bleeding and I'm actually sore because of it, but Deric was sweet about it and it makes me happy that he was so concerned that i was hurting, i know he really cares about me. Then we fell asleep cuddling with one another. So nice. Then we woke up to one another and when we finally did get up we cleaned up everything and took a nice little shower then made ramen cause we hadn't eaten yet. We then went to my house to have dinner. That went fine until my mom started to lecture him afterwards about what he was going to do with his life and whatnot. I feel horrible for what my mother does and i know this wont happen but i fear that hes going to get so fed up with her that he'll just leave me because if we have a future together hes going to have to life with her because hes with me. Idk, I just always feel like people will see they are better of not in my life because of how my family is, and it scares me. He doesn't even like coming to my house because of it. I just need this year to be over and i need to get a better job so i can move out and be done with this house. I brought him home afterwards and then all hell broke out once i got home. My other started screaming at Lilly, that blew up, mom started screaming at me, we got into a huge argument, she wouldn't listen to me..she never does and just chimes in with little bitchy comments....so.....i kinda grabbed her and held her still and kinda made her listen to me....i know that's bad. I am not usually a violent person, but the way she acts and the atmosphere of my house turns me into one because i just cant handle it anymore. I now feel kinda numb because I'm kinda upset about everything and i have a lot on my mind and I'm trying to figure out why my emotions and how things about my body are changing all of the sudden. Things like my apatite and just how my emotions are, they are lot more off the wall then usual. Like its getting to the point where i even feel like I'm way over emotional and whatnot and then i think about Deric and i fear that hes going to think that I'm getting to be to much to handle or something or to stressful for him and leave cause i know hes dealt with this kinda thing before and i know he doesn't want to again. I don't want him to get so stressed with me that he goes back to smoking or something. I know he wont cause he told me hes not going to do that again and i trust him completely. The one time he did after that he told me about it so i knew, i asked him to not do it again and he hasn't cause its just like my alcohol thing. There are times i really do want to but i don't anymore because i told him i wouldn't and i don't want to lose him over something like that and i don't want to lose his trust because for both of us that is HUGE in a relationship. I'm just hoping i can fall asleep soon and just go to school and then possibly work if they don't call me off. I'm also hoping this post doesn't sound to worry some cause i do tend to worry and Deric always tells me not to cause there isn't anything to worry about which i know, but when i do worry about anything i need to get it out, but usually once i do i feel better..and i feel better now since I've written this. Just a lot is going on and its kinda affecting me.
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