Hello New Things

Well it has been a long while since i posted on here but i have time right now so here we go.

Me and Deric are now moved in together. We have been for a week and a half now. So far things are going well I think. The apartment is very homey and nice, the size is nice to me. The kitchen is mildly small which is the only down side cause everything else is great. We are still working on decorations....definitely need more but until I'm done done with school those probably will go on the back burner till I have the time.

I'm happy now that we've moved in, I don't have the anxiety anymore and I feel way better. Although today i suddenly got sad, not like sad sad but liked bummed sad for no reason. I was driving and then bam, sadness. Not sure why but it happened.

I'm sad though that I don't get to like sleep sleep with Deric like I would like to. He normally goes to bed well after I do and most of the time I don't wake up when he comes to bed so I never realize we are sleeping together! Like tonight, hes coming home much later so I'll be in bed already and probably passed out.

I really really want a kitten. Like super bad. I hope next month we can really look for one. I need something here when I'm alone.

My day started well....now I'm in a total shit fucking mood. Don't even want to talk about it.

WHY ME

And suddenly I'm feeling lonely again. Very lonely. Overwhelmed a little. I mean.....we move in 10 days and there is still a LOT to do. Doesn't seem like it but there is. I'm trying so hard to just let things go and be ok with certain things and people and its really hard. I'm trying so hard in life and i feel like I still get no where. I mean, I have done so well in school....but after my associates i can't go to GVSU like i really want to. I.....I don't have the money for it and in order too have any money for it I have to work full time....but if i work full time I can't schedule any classes because they are all at random ass times/are already full/or they just don't work with my schedule. It makes me think loong and hard about maybe getting a factory job or something with a set schedule i could work around....but like right now there is waaay too much stuff going on and I feel stuck and confused. I feel like no matter how hard I have tried, because I want to do well and when you do well in school you get scholarships and what not and I did but none of them count because i can't go full time for the reasons stated above. Then like I'm still doing this new birth control pill and I think my emotions are calming down, I don't feel like I'm about to explode but like before the negative emotions seem to come up way easier and stay way longer than they should. That and lately I've been feeling gross, like icky stomach aches and nausea. I think it's all due to this pill. If these issues get less and less each month I'll try to stick it out because if it works it works. I still have issues about Deric being FB friends with a certain someone cause I am not a retard, I know he has gone on her profile and looked at her stuff and right now I bet he does it quit often because he is just now able to see everything. This bothers me. Ugh, look at me, being upset over some girl being friends with Deric on facebook.  All i was doing was reading my damn biomedical ethics too and this came on. Go me for being messed up. Now I'm crying cause I'm so frustrated and angry at myself and the world for not working out how it's supposed to.


*This is the very much edited version. I took a very large chunk out of this because it was not important. I talked to Deric when he got out and i do realize I make things a bigger deal than they are cause when i talk about them I feel dumb. Deric is kind about it though, he talks to me, he listens, and reminds me I'm the only girl for him. He's very sweet. So what was once in here before will be read by no one because it is now irrelevant. That makes me feel....good.

Silly boy, I can't even make an important phone call when Deric's around. Haha, he makes it...complicated...