Goodbye 2012

Goodbye 2012, it has been an interesting year. Your ending hasn't been my favorite but as of tomorrow, it will be a better year. I promise. I hope i can keep this promise. Also, as another resolution, i plan to have lasts years resolution start back up. And this time i will keep it. It's going to help me have a better year. Keep my mind in a sane place. Right now, i feel good. I have color in my hair, my ears are pierced...finally...plus in a week my winter semester of college starts. As crazy as i feel sometimes...i know i can get through anything, with help, i can do it. Deric talked to me today and even though we couldn't come up with an answer to my problem, i feel better. I got an answer i needed. I was feeling down on myself and felt like i was being pushed aside. But i know that isn't true now and that makes me feel better. So, for now I'm off to Kat's house to say goodbye to 2012. See you in 2013.

Crumbling

I wish i didn't feel this way.....I wish i wasn't so angry at everything and I'm not even sure why i am. The worlds finally caught up in my head and in reality. Seeing my friends makes me realize what i no longer have....I no longer have those friends in town, no longer have people to talk to like i talk to them, I'm alone while they make new friends and hang out and have a good time. While I go to work. Which i will not complain about because honestly as much as i sometimes don't like my job it keeps me sane because its getting away and talking to people that i like and who like me. I wish i could hang out with some of them. Like Liz, Abby, Mel, and Katie. I know the first three hang out a lot and i really like them...but they also have been working together for years and are older than me. I'm working on making friends but many people have their already established groups and it is hard for them to accept new people in. Like Alexis from bio...we talked a ton and shes an awesome person, but while talking she had said she doesn't really trust people and has only two really close friends because usually she pushes everyone else away. Only proves my point that even when i do try sometimes an outside school friendship just...won't happen and it has nothing to do with me. I get that and i don't pity myself for those circumstances because that's outta my control. But i wish i had that meeting new people making awesome friends experience, or at least could tell my friends something about my school and not just brag about getting good grades. Cause honestly that's all i got at the moment and I'm proud of myself for it....but i keep quiet about it because if i brag, even a little, people get annoyed with me, so i just stay quiet. I'm gonna miss everyone when they head back. I wish i wasn't stuck at home all of the time...i wish my home life was better and that i thought i could stick it for two years while I'm at MCC, but i don't think i can. My mind is going insane and i feel like I'm going to lose it. But question is am i ready are they ready and why am i so confused? Why can't life be perfect, why can't i feel fine and not be feeling this way and kinda scared. Yes I'm scared, for many reasons. I don't want to lose it, I don't want to feel broken because that's how I'm feeling and my fear is that being that way will..idk..make certain people love me less. Insecurities are blaring full force, reality hits hard, and...i feel like people would tell me to go see the psychiatrist again if they knew i felt this way...but i don't want to go back there. I want to be as normal as i can be, that's why i don't want to go there...Sometimes, sometimes, i wish i could have a drink in my hand and wash it all away. But that's a no go because i don't do that anymore, i promised, but sometimes i wish. I'm no longer that person though and i will never do that again, I won't throw my life away when I'm working so hard toward my goal. If i keep pushing i think i could do it, i think i could be one of the 108. I just gotta keep pushing, i can't back down, i have faith that i can do it. Sigh....on a good note, It's snowing out and it's the big fat calm flakes that make the world better.

Damn This Book

Yes I am venting about a book right now. This new series is good but it pisses me off and i get frustrated from reading them. They have so many ups and downs and i don't know if it is going to end the way i want it to that i have to set it down cause its addictive but really freakin annoying. GAH...if i was ever like this chick in this book id hit myself, she frustrates me. Although...i get where shes coming form which is the sad thing. Plus when i get frustrated it makes me do things that frustrate me even more...which i am learning not to do, slowly but I'm making good progress i think. Sigh..time to go to bed, i can't do this book anymore tonight.

Feeling Cherished

It's interesting how me reading these books makes me cherish what i have with Deric even more. What i have with him is something many people don't have. He always listens to me when i need to talk and his words are so kind. I think I'm the luckiest girl alive.

Maybe An Answer

I don't really understand these feelings I'm having. I'm sad, i think, i don't know why if i am. That movie hit a nerve, i think because i could relate to it in some way. I understood.
It made me think about when i went to Tyler's. Everyone was having fun and talking about school/college depending on if they were in high school still or not. But, me well, I don't mind that I'm going to MCC, that isn't the issue. Yeah everyone else will or has already gone off to a big university, and i realize why this is and why others at MCC have a lot of friends who went straight from high school to college with each other. It is because i am friends with smart, intelligent people who have a plan for themselves. No i was never friends with the druggie pot heads, no i was never friends with the so called popular kids who partied it up and are rather dumb, no i was never friends with the whores or the like SUPER nerds...I'm talking about the ones that creep me out like the ones in the corner, not like me......and this is why all my friends went off to big places. This is partially why i have so few friends at MCC, the people i was never friends with are the people that attend MCC. I've made a few new friends, ones that i talk to and chill with at the college...none yet that i hang out with outside of it. That's my next goal, make a friend like that somewhere....either at school or maybe work. Me, I'm not like the people i described and that's not why i went to MCC. I went there because some of use have to work for what we want and don't have the money to always go in the exact direction that we would like. We have to take detours, go someplace that has things just as good as the big leagues, just a fraction of the price. The issue is not that i am going here, it is that there is nothing for me to tell them really. I can't really talk about what i do at school, I don't go out with my school friends or have dorm life to talk about. I just sit and do my thing. The most i have to talk about is that i got straight A's and a 4.0. When i do though people get annoyed sometimes so i don't really.
When i was at Tyler's i felt awkward, sigh, i guess not being entirely social for a long time or seeing people does that to you. I'm not sure.
I'm just confused right now i guess is my possible other emotion. From me and my moms argument the other day i don't know what to do. I'm trying hard to do my thing and live at my house, but what my mom yelled at me is making me wonder and confused. This may be the other thing that is eating at me. I'm not really sure. I don't always know why i get upset or cry, sometimes i just do. I think its partially cause I'm a girl. We just get emotional sometimes. Some more than others. Aka me. I guess with college, work, trying to balance everything, sometimes you just have an emotional break where you just want to stop trying because its a lot easier. But in the long run you know you can't cause in order to get to your dream goal you gotta keep pushing. Deric is my saving grace though, hes nice enough to help me out and stay with me even when i get like this. It's what i need in times like this. Hopefully i can get a hold of myself.

Yay Drug Infused Cough Syrup

So a few things. Cough syrup with codeine in it...my best friend right now. So bad i know but still...we are tight right now. I'm feeling numb at the moment....like tingly numb i guess. And hell...all i took was 1 teaspoon. Yay drugs. Haha.
Secondly, my grandparents got Deric something for Christmas. I was blown away by that because that means they have fully accepted him. Like totally, FINALLY. I thought it was cute.
I'm still sick, and we are going to my Grandma Linda's house tomorrow at 2, the one who smokes heavily. Not sure how that's going to work with my coughing self but we shall see. Then at 5 we have Deric's dad's side get together at Aunt Cindy's house. That should be fun. Then at 9 we have to go to Christmas Eve service at church...which i still need to tell Deric about...then idk. But this season i always end up running around. I love my family though and the parties. Its enjoyable and having 4 days off helps a shit tone as well. So goodnight world and I'm off into a drug induced sleep.

The Not So Jolly Christmas Season

I am getting sick, what the crap. Why near Christmas? I'm gonna be a hot mess for all the get together's.....wtf. I feel like crap and i HAVE to work tomorrow or i don't get my holiday hours. Gah...and when will my mom understand that Christmas is about everyone and not just her? Every year i have the same things to do, the get together at my Grandparents house, the one for Deric's dad's side, and then the one for his mom's. Every year, the same thing. Yet every year she bitches me out because she wants to appetizers with the family and start a tradition during one of Deric's family get together's. Her reasoning: Your not married to him and so you don't have things to do, if you were then you could say you have things to do but now blah blah blah. She thinks I'm a terrible person for saying i have family things to do with Deric to. It isn't like I'm not going to our family get together at my grandparents. I would never miss that . Yet me going to Deric's family stuff is a bitch move. Sigh....why is my family so damn frustrating. I am sick....i don't want this!

Look What I Can Do....NOTHING

I don't know what to do in this kind of situation. What can i do? Nothing. I wont see him till Sunday...possibly early Saturday...and he wont promise me he wont do anything stupid. Now I'm worried, really worried cause i know what my man is capable of. We don't live together so its not like i can comfort him, but even if we did he said he won't want to talk to anyone, not even me. I'm the kinda person who likes to help people, and i get frustrated and feel lost when something like this happens and he wont listen to me and i cant do anything or be there for him. GAH, as pissed off as he is...that's how frustrated i am now. He wouldn't even promise me....and i gotta get up early tomorrow to. Guess who's gonna be worried tonight? Me. Cause i don't want him to do anything bad...what if he got hurt or fired or...the possibilities are endless. I just want him safe and happy. And right now he's basically neither. And i can do NOTHING. I cant help. That frustrates me so much.

BAHAHAHAHAHA

Oh god..so gross...was my own fault because I have problems...but I'm done now, forever. Why would anyone want to do that, so gross. Haha, but yeah, done. Curiosity gone. Ew.

Other than that though i got all my school books ordered today. Now i just gotta go to the college and pick most of them up. Found out that the new book Deric is getting me for Christmas is the second book in a series...not the first. A mild problem i know. But easily fixed. But from what i read..its gonna be good. Really good. Like Fifty Shades. Which is amazing. I like the fact that I'm getting back into books, Its been awhile and i miss reading them. The fact that i keep finding more books to read that i will enjoy is awesome to. I can be picky sometimes with books. Works going well, I love most of the people i work with...there is very few who I'm not really fond of. I'm getting the hours i want which is good cause i need the money. Oh, go figure, my moms car got backed into and needs a new tail light....the person left as well so it was just like my car. I feel like i could babble on for awhile on here, there's a lot i could say. OH OH....my mom sent a card to Deric, his mom, and Jim and wrote Erik on the front...i about died. SO FUNNY. She will get it right one day i hope. Ok...I'm gonna go read and stop typing cause it'll just be rambles.

My Day, My Life, My Rock

So much to say, so much has happened, at the moment I'm trying to figure out books for school and the MCC pages are not working so I can't figure this out and its annoying me....and it only seems to mess up with the classes I am taking...everything else is fine WTF. Anyways, me and Deric went to GR today and went to the Frederik Meijer Gardens and also went to the Rivertown Mall which was the first time i had ever been there. That place is huge. The garden was fun, until i dropped my moms camera...and broke it. I got her a new one though and she likes it so its all good besides being out some cash. I was bumming though during some of our mall time and i know Deric got annoyed with me. And I'm really sorry for that, this was supposed to be a special day and i messed that up. I feel bad about it, i really do. But the mall itself was enjoyable. We ate panera and went to a lot of stores. Deric even was able to get me a Christmas present. Go him. I must say though, the drive home was way easier than the drive there....i wonder why that is cause that seems to be true with all trips. After i got home i gave my mom the camera then bought a few school books which are freakishly expensive. Books being that much is just dumb. Then i checked my work schedule and saw the new one. 36 freakin hours. And then i realized that i don't think i can do this tutor thing. I have already said yes to it, and i feel bad that I'm gonna have to call and tell him i just cant do it. With how much i work already and how much i try to do my best and how much stress i already have.....adding this will not be a good idea. I think my grades will suffer and this semester is already going to be tough, much harder then the last. I just cant do everything. Maybe next time i can. Probably not but maybe. Then my mom told me about my cuz and how him and his wife aren't doing good and they've been married around a year and a half and there is already a possibility of it ending. What society has come to....its unreal. I feel like moments like this i need my rock, I need my Deric. It seems that no matter how much i annoy the man or frustrate him or break down around him....he's still there for me. He still loves me. He stays. No matter what.   My rock. He's the kinda person everyone deserves. I am so thankful for him. I love him so.

Happy Face

This is my bragging moment so dont bring me down please.

I DID IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got all A's, :))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))0
That is all for now.

This Fear Runs Deep

I have to admit something, but i wont say what it is on here..not until tomorrow when i talk to you about it. Maybe it'll make sense of a few things and maybe it'll make me feel better cause its a deep fear of mine that i hope you'll help me with and talk me through it and reassure me. You are the one person who hasn't hurt me in any way. Emotionally or physically. You've always been nice to me, always kind, always loving and helpful. Oh this fear runs deep, after being screwed over by the people i cared about so much so many times it grew. Once i tell you...hopefully you can help me.

Happyness

Deric is the most amazing person. He's perfect. He talks me through my thoughts when i start worrying really bad. He makes sure i feel better even when what I'm worrying about sounds crazy. He's the kind of person that i need. He makes me feel better and sticks with me no matter what. It's an amazing feeling having someone like that.

I Did It

Oh my god i did it i did it i did it.....how the fuck did i do that? How i feel right now. I got a 92 on my math test, the one that i was scared about. PLUS i have a 94 in the class! Fuck yeah....now i gotta kick butt in the finals. Bio will be my worst enemy but I'm gonna try and do my best. I can only hope for an A in the class cause ill be so bumbed if i don't get it.

I'm Trying...I'm Trying So Hard

My grade in Bio is a 90.98 right now.....a barely there A. If I don't kick butt on the final ill slip to a B and i really really want an A. Like SUPER bad. I want to get all A's again. I want to feel proud of myself and i want others proud of me. And i feel like if i don't get all A's no one will be. I know that isn't true, but that's how i feel. Yes I've become a perfectionist. Only in school though. But now I'm freaking out a little. Plus I'm kinda anxious right now. Anxiety ridden. I know why, for the most part, and i need to talk to you about it or it'll eat me up. Why am I a worrier? That's so far away from now...yet I'm worrying. I'm anxious about school about doing well about everything. Help me someone please. I'm trying...I'm trying so fucking hard and i want it to mean something. I want everything to be perfect and go perfectly but we all know that doesn't happen...but that's what i want. I want all the love i can get, all the cuddles i can get, all the talks i can get, all the everything i can get. I need us time, i need me time, i need study time, i need friends time. I need to talk, i need to get out my stupid fears and worries. Help me help me please.

Oh What A Life This Is

Nervous out of my mind today, wasn't sure how that whole thing would go, but it went fine. Every thing out in the open and there is no need for any grudges, any hatred, anything really. The past is finally being closed and i feel better about everything now. Apologies were said. Things once thought to have happened are no longer believed and that i think is what made me happiest, i don't want someone to believe a lie. Especially that one. I felt guilty at first cause i didn't know if Deric would be angry at me for it, but he said he wasn't at all and I'm glad for that cause i don't want to make him unhappy. I'm really not sure how my Bio test and lab practical went....I'm nervous for them.....and a week form now is my final. Ugh. I'm hoping i get an A in the class....like I'm hoping i don't fail this math test tomorrow. This craps hard. But my math final i think will actually be easy so thank god for that. Now on to studying for math....yeah...i study for math now...who knew.

The Finale

Maybe that's what i need to get over this. Closure. Well, I'll march my nervous ass over there, get my closure, and then hopefully....feel better in the end and be done with it. Forever. I'm ready for that. Lets let the future take hold and drop the past in well...the past. Tomorrow it will happen.

Bumming

I don't want to wait till Sunday to see my man again. This part about school and work sucks. There is no time to see each other and it isn't like i can spend the night when i have school or work early in the morning. It's just crappy sometimes. I'm just glad after next week i have 3 weeks of school freedom. Plus no work on Mondays so yay. But tonight i would have loved to have spent the night.....my tummy and lower abdomen hurt really bad...like ow pain not stomach ache pain....and having someone hold or kinda rub my tummy sometimes makes it feel better. I wish i saw him more....