Welcome 2012

Hello 2012, this is a new year, a new part of life, and it is going to be a good one. I just have a feeling. Its gonna be a year where there are new adventures, forgetting what was, and living the best i can. This is a year where i am starting a lot of new things. A new life. I will be graduating this year, going to college, getting into the real world. Definitely going to be scary, but i have great people by my side to help me along. I will be starting a new job to this year at Home Depot, hopefully all goes well there and i get good hours, good pay, and have a good job. I honestly cant wait to start because its also going to start new chapters in my life. I can start saving for a car/be able to keep up keep on that car as well. I will be able to do things, plus i could even take Deric out for dinner instead of the other way around. lol. Speaking of Deric, i cant wait to spend yet another year with him, I love him so much and i love every moment that i get to spend with him. I hope our years together just keep getting better and i hope that 2012 is great cause i have some good feelings about it. My New Years resolution is also something that is going to help me so very much. It is to forget the past, let it go, forget what it did to me, learn from it yes, but what it did, i wont let it affect me anymore. Things like my boob insecurity, i will do my best to love them for what they are and to not be insecure about them. I mean, Deric loves them and thinks that they are amazing and perfect, what more do i need? f he loves them then so should i because what he thinks is the only thing that matters, not what someone told me long ago. Also things and people of the past that i dislike and those who hurt me, I'm just gonna forget all about them and go on with my life and do my thing. They can do whatever they want with their silly little lives cause you know what, none of what they did or who they are matters. What my true friends think like Livi, Andrea, Kat, Franny, Jaclyn, etc. is what matters. What Deric thinks matters as well because he is my everything, he tells me like it is and knows everything about me from my deepest darkest secret to what i did today. He matters more than anything in the world to me (well him and Blossom) and i just love him so very much, i cant say that enough. So as of tomorrow, my resolution kicks in and i will look towards the future and forget the past. I will be starting something new, a new year, an even better year. I don't know why, but i have really good feelings about 2012...even though the worlds supposed to end and all....i still have some good feelings about it and i honestly cant wait for it to begin. So Happy New Year!

Those Lovely Days

So the next few days are going to be fun. Tomorrow the group is heading to a restaurant to have a random dress up and go out to eat day. Then we are going to hang out and just talk and watch movies and stuff. Then i am pretty sure that the girls are giong to have a sleep over at Kat's house cause we need one big time. So that will be pretty fun, looking forward to it. Then Thursday i am basically going to spend the day with Deric. We are going to have dinner at his house then go to Envy again. Its going to be sooo much fun! I have a great outfit to wear and im gonna look good. Then i get to spend the night at Deric's house again. Its going to be a great great day. I'm gonna get to spend the day/night with the man i love.

Merry Christmas 2011

I had a very nice Christmas this year. It had some moments in the morning but other then that it was very very nice. Deric got his controller and i got my digital picture frame. Still need that picture i have been wanting for awhile though. I can try and get that tomorrow though. But it was just a very nice Christmas with his family and mine. This is a pretty short post for Christmas but i mean, what else is there to say? I am happy, content, i have a wonderful guy in my life who makes me feel amazing and i love him more than anything. I think that in itself says it all. So Merry Christmas to all and to all a goodnight.

A Memoir

So you know how sometimes unhappy thoughts get into your mind, like all the things that just upset you and you don't like? Things that make you angry, people you dislike/hate, just bad memories in general, etc.? Well, kinda happening to me right now, so i have decided to do a little memoir thing about me and Deric when this happens so that i can remember everything good and get this annoyance and anger and just not good thoughts out of my head. So here goes:

-Deric and I's first kiss, it was cute, shy, adorable, its an amazing memory.
-When Deric told me that he still liked me after 2 years (this is before we started dating), i never knew something like that was possible.
-When Deric told me he loved me, it was on my birthday, he had said that he always seemed to say it too soon/really early in a relationship but he didn't care because he loved me and he wanted to say it.
-A night when me and Deric walked the pier and sat on the rocks, it was clear, calm, warm, and we were so happy to be in each others arms. Someone even started lighting fireworks on the beach, no joke, and it was truly magical.
-When me and Deric cuddled on his couch after my school registration right before we started dating, i have never felt something so right before, Deric was perfect.
-Deric going to the beach with me all summer long and me and him really getting to know each other and being best friends all that summer, its when i started to really like him, and then love him.
-Camping with Deric up at his grandparents property, laying under the stars and just talking and watching so may shooting stars go by.
-Deric always calling me from work every single day, means so much to me. He wants to talk to me and it just makes me feel loved and important.
-When Deric told me that i am absolutly perfect to him. I dont feel perfect all the time and sometimes i dont think i look it, but to him i do. My self conciousness about my boobs and how they are on the smaller side goes away when im with him because he told me that they are perfect, they dont need to be any bigger because he loves them just the same. To be perfect in his eyes, that means more than anything to me because me loves me for who i am and what i look like.
-Every time he tells me that he loves me after we are done doing stuffs, it makes me feel even more loved.
-Every single little cute saying, quote, or anthing in that catagory that Deric has done.
-When Deric went to that first dance with me and every one since
-Clubbing at Envy with him, i feel like i am the only one he is looking at, even if there are girls much hotter than me, less clothed, and having their boobs hang out. I dont feel threatened by these girls because i know that i have nothing to fear, in Deric's eyes i am still the best.
-Every single kiss, hug, smile, and laugh from that boy makes my day.
-Deric kissing my head, its cute
-Deric kissing my nose, its also cute
-Deric being there for me whenever i need him. He lets me cry on him and he never once gets angry at me for crying, he helps me.
-When he came over and stopped me from drinking my life away. Only someone who really cared about me would sit me down and wait till im better and not drinking anymore and make sure that i could get through everything and that i was ok.
-Deric isnt afraid of what i say on here. He listened to what i said about my birthday, he came to the school dressed up with a single rose and playing Hanging By a Moment. He doesnt get afraid when i talk about how much i love him and how i want to have a future with him.
-The night that Deric just cuddled with me while i was passed out because he was keeping me company, warm, and wanted to make sure that i felt loved.
-My sleepovers with him, i love waking up next to him.
-Breakfast at the Cherokee, it make me feel even closer to him.
-Our countless walks on the beach and pier and us just talking about everything and anything.
-When Deric told me why he loved me
-When me and Deric would watch Misfits every Monday, and starting to again, because we both would get so excited for it and couldnt wait for the next one to be out.
-Deric sneaking over at night just to see me for a couple of more hours

You know, this really worked. My mind is just full of happy thoughts now and thinking about how much i love Deric.

I DID IT!!!!!!!

Went to my second interview today...wasn't really an interview, it was a little informative thing saying we want to hire you!!!! I GOT THE JOB!!!!! SO HAPPY!!!! I am proud of myself to, i worked for something, got it, and now i can start moving on in life and actually have a nice income and everything cause ill be making $8.10 an hour. F*** yeah!! I don't start for a little bit though, after the holidays, and after i pass a drug test and they do a background check...which shouldn't be a problem at all. So I'm hoping everything goes well and that i for sure have the job in the bag. But i can finally start saving for a car and for moving out and I'm just so happy.
I mean, that was my really great news of the day. Other then that though, my day has been kinda crappy. Didn't get to sleep in, felt sick earlier which i think is because i hadn't eaten much at the time and i started to feel dizzy and what not, then me and my mom got into yet another yelling match. I hate those and i hate having to deal with them. She kept just being angry today and i just don't like dealing with it.

The Day Didn't Go As Planned..But That's Ok

So, me and Deric headed out to the Frederik Meijer Gardens yesterday. Getting there wasnt too difficult and we made good time. It was really cool, i hadnt been there since i was pretty little so it was cool to go back. We went and saw the Christmas Trees from around the world. So basically trees  been decorated as though they were from that country. The gardens are also well, a garden that has a desert climate and a tropical climate, there is also a sculpture park outside. So me and Deric walked around the gardens for awhile just looking at everything and having a good time. I really enjoyed spending that time with him. I think he enjoyed himself a lot too. The picture above is from the Native American tree which was me and Deric's favorite tree. I had a really good time there and I'm really happy that Deric likes doing things like that with me. It really means the world to me. So after that we were going to head to a restaurant called Kobe, but instead we got terribly lost and when we finally stopped to ask for directions Deric's car started to overheat really bad so instead of going to the restaurant we headed back to Muskegon cause we didn't want to have the possibility of having the car break down in GR, considering we were lost and all. But we went to the mall in town instead. He got me a Christmas present and he felt bad for having the plans go wrong...but i mean, things happen. And at the end of the day we headed back to my house and just cuddled and talked so the day ended well, which in my book, is a great thing. I just love that boy oh so much.

Guess What!

Guess what i got....a second interview at Home Depot!!! Yay!!! Hopefully that means something...aka a real job. That would be so wonderful. I am quite enjoying getting calls from numbers that i do not know because they have been meaning something good lately. So this interview is on Thursday, and i will hopefully have something great to say about it.
Tomorrow me and Deric are going to Grand Rapids and going to the Frederik Meijer Gardens and it going to be a whole ton of fun. Gonna take lots of pictures and its going to be awesome. Then Deric is spoiling me...i sometimes wonder why i get spoiled this often....or why at all....but we are going to a super expensive restaurant called Kobe, it is a Japanese food place and steakhouse from what i have been told. Its a place where they cook the food right in front of you. Its going to be something else.
Also, in memory of Deric's dad who died on this day 9 (?) years ago...i may be wrong about the years ago part but thats what i got from Kyle so blame him if i am wrong...if you read this just take a small moment of silence for him. From what i have been told he was a great guy and was extremely loved by his family and has been greatly missed. So take a moment of silence for him and appreciate the loved ones that you have.

I Seriously Wonder Sometimes

Dude, I seriously do. Kinda that put my hand on my head, think about life, then kinda wonder how sane things actually are. I mean, if you are anywhere near my home, you would understand what i mean about the sanity of things. My house is crazy, my mother is insane, bipolar if you ask me, but like you know how the Christmas season is about loving people, being with family and friends, putting aside differences and getting along? Yeah...my mom likes to preach that that's what shes all about but in reality she breaks every Christmas thing. Shes been the most insane that i can remember her in the 18 Christmas seasons that i have been alive for this year. Like i cant really even talk to her normally because some how i do something wrong and offend her and end up getting screamed at for who knows what. And usually it is mainly me that gets yelled at because i am the oldest and all that crap it seems. Makes me really anxious to get a job so i can move out and into a sain house. Hoping i get this one at Home Depot, but like always i go to the interview then think afterwards that i screwed the whole thing up and I'm gearing myself up to not get the job. Even though its only Monday and i can hear from them anytime this week or next, for things like this though i find it better to agree with the negative. So all this stuff has made me not in the nest of moods for this season, but I'm dealing as i will. PLUS there is like a HUGE chance that there will be no snow for Christmas, that's putting me in a very dark place right now according to Deric. It made me laugh, but yeah i am rather upset by this cause i want the snow. I love snow, i want to play in it and just sit at night looking at the stars while laying it in and watching the big flake fly down in the peaceful silence. I actually really want it to snow. But on a positive note, me and Deric are going to GR on Wednesday for a date day and we are going to the Frederik Meijer Gardens to see their Christmas trees from around the world things. It's my Christmas present from him. I think that will be a lot of fun. I hope Deric's doing ok though, he has been a bit outta it the past few days, mainly today, he asked me to explain but i wasn't sure how, finally thought of it, he seems really distant, like there is something on his mind or something else but not sure what that it. It could be he just has gotten too much sleep or not enough, not really sure, but i hope he is alright cause he means the world to me. But for now i am going to bid you all goodnight cause its like 1:30am and i need to be getting to sleep if i can. I have things I gotta do in the morning.

Look What I Made Today!

It's a Christmas ornament! Looks like something not to interesting right? WRONG! We made them in my AP Chemistry class. This once was a crystal clear ornament, but then we added chemicals to it like silver nitrate, ammonium hydroxide, and potassium oxide(not sure if this one is correct cause i cant remember exactly), but we added them all together and swirled them around and around until the solution turned black then it coated the inside with this silver shiny coloring. Its real silver in there and its like super duper shiny. Its so very simple of a thing...yet i am really proud of it, not sure why, but i am. Though, if any of you know what ammonium hydroxide smells like, and if you don't it smells terrible...like super chemically smell, its stuck in my nose because we were like in hailing it all hour and i could hardly breath at times because the smell was that bad. Every time a take a deep breath that's all i smell. But i guess for now that's ok cause i made this from using it, and also the silver nitrate stained my skin a bit. But hey, all worth it in the end.

Oh Joy, Here We Go Again...

I am just done. I want to be done with high school, I want to be done with this house, I want to be done with people screaming and fighting....I am just so fed up with it all. You know, my house hasn't been all that bad lately, until now. All it has been is screaming and fighting and just bad. Me and my mom have been getting along but when we don't it's bad. I mean, about a week ago she screamed at me about how i am an evil person. Just an evil, bitter person and how horrible i am. Then tonight she just went on and on and on about how much of a bitch i am. Just the bitchiest person in the world and i am never ever nice to her. I think she likes to think that there has never once been a nice conversation between us, which we have had plenty in the past couple of days even, yet they get trumped by our one bad moment. All she does is stand at one end of the house screaming at the top of her lungs at someone on the other end of the house....then she screams about 20 times because they aren't doing what she said to do when she could very easily walk over to that end of the house and address them without screaming. Cause you know what? When i get home and I'm tired, frustrated, have a head ache, and i walk into that...I'm gonna yell to at her to just shut up and go over there and talk to them like a normal person then all hell breaks loose from there and like tonight i end up just crying and hating life. Then after that it all seems to go back to what a normal would seem to be and everything is just fine. I don't know whats wrong with me or my family. I mean, lately i have just been frustrated with technology so it has been making my days a little frustrating and annoying....then i am tired.....then on top of that i have just had some big disappointments/possible realizations when it comes to college and that is a huge low blow for me and i haven't told anyone about it so no one knows and that has made me a little unhappy lately as well. That and i just think my unhappy attitude has gone back onto other people when they talk to me cause they always seem to catch me when I'm a t the peak of that frustration or whatever is happening at that moment. Gah, all i want is some peace really....and life to get on track.

Maybe...Just Maybe

So...I have an interview at Home Depot, its a home improvement store, on Saturday at 1pm. It's to be a cashier and I am really hoping that its going to turn into something good. Like a legit job, do you have any idea how amazing that would be? SO AMAZING. I really want a job.....really really badly. I honestly would rather not work at Frosty Oasis again...its a great place with great people and i am apparently supposed to get hours the second summer you are there....but it always frustrated me. Like, i never was never guaranteed hours there, i was scheduled yes, but they called me off a lot. Which in a sense i liked, but hated more than anything because when you are trying to have a job and an income, that just doesn't work at all. But if I am able to get this job...things will be starting to fall into place. Life will finally be going somewhere, cause it has gone somewhere for a bit, then it got a huge blow and fell back to right where it started. But a job would be picking it back up again. Life that needs to happen would be able to start. So, lets hope something comes of this.

Technology And I Have A Mutual Hate

Oh my lord i am going to kick technology in the face. I hate it so freaking much. Phones can stay, those are nice. But i hate it when computers crash and things get lost and flash drives don't work. I also hate how word has like a million versions and there is no universal one so it may or may not work from one computer to the next, that bugs the hell outta me. Then when the printer goes down and doesn't work and then the computer exits out of your important research paper and renames the file on your flash drive so you have a mini panic attack thinking that you lost your whole entire 7 page paper. Technology, you could use a swift kick in the ass. I am gonna be done with you for a bit now because i am so frustrated with you. So goodbye for a little bit, until i need you again for who knows what cause the world doesn't seem to be able to operate without you. Gahhhhhhh

Another Saying From A Wonderful Someone

"I don't tend to pay attention to the weather when I'm around you."

                                                              -Deric

This boy just makes me feel wonderful. Yes i do get emotional over things like this at times because they are just so sweet and they make me feel important and wonderful. I am honestly amazed by you every single day because you are just so wonderful to me. I love you.

Christmas Dance 2011

Well, the Christmas dance went really well. It was fun, though it went by super quickly. Three hours is far from enough time to go dancing. I guess that one night at Envy is making me think this way. Oh well, still had a blast. We went to Russ' before the dance fore dinner, before that we had stopped at the high school so that Mike could see us because he had really wanted to before we went to the dance. Russ' was good though, it always is, they have great cheap food. Then afterwards we headed for the dance. We went in, got our pictures done right away so that they looked good. Then we took off our shoes and headed onto the dance floor. Which at that time was basically empty and we really were the only ones on it. But that didn't mater at all. All i wanted was to dance with Deric, that's all i wanted. Then once more people came onto the floor everything got into full swing. We danced the night away. There were 3 kinda 4 slow dances, one each hour, and each one was great. I didn't mind what song was playing, i just felt so close to Deric, it felt amazing to be with him as he just held me close and just danced with me. I love him more than i can even describe, more than i think i even know. The up beat songs were just as fun to though, just having fun grinding and what not. The only bad things were a really bitchy girl and a friend of hers being really annoying and like slamming into Deric, then another kid who like wouldn't give us any room and ended up not leaving Deric be so we finally just moved cause he was super annoying. Other then that and a few strange things, like a girl who was sideways in front of me going way down when she was grinding on another girl then suddenly straight on going that far down which ended up with her head basically in my crotch and then another girl with her face basically in my ass doing the same thing, the dance went great. Time flew and i really wasn't even getting tired. The only pains i had were my knee acting up, but i was having to much of a good time to even let it bother me. Then we headed back to my house, changed, then me and Deric went to Walmart to get some snacks for the night cause i got to spend the night at his house again. When we got to his house though i was so exhausted. I basically climbed into his bed while he picked a movie to watch and started falling asleep. Deric got into bed and we cuddled and watched the movie. I don't really remember much of it though cause i basically passed out. Then i wok up around like 4 am and Deric was still up and then stuff happened, then we just talked for a bit. Poor Deric had trouble sleeping cause his sleep schedule is so weird, he had been awake the entire time i was passed out. I was kinda astonished by that cause i asked him what he was doing while i was asleep for like 3 hours He said he was keeping me warm, keeping me company, and making sure that i felt loved. He is so amazing, it was so sweet. Deric, I know that you love me and i know that I love you just as much. I love you more than anything. You make me happy every single day, and you tell me that you love me every chance you get, you even kiss me on the nose and on the forehead. Those little things make me feel like the luckiest girl in the world cause i think i have the best guy out there. I love you Deric, thank you for everything that you do and thank you for always making my nights wonderful.

And This Is Why I Don't Get Too Hopeful.....

Well....it was worth a shot, got hopeful, had a new plan that seemed like it would be possible to do, then i saw the requirements.....and they don't apply to me. I really did want to go to Aquinas, but the only way that would be possible were to be if i got yet another scholarship..or many more..or if i could attempt to get a full ride in a scholarship competition that they do. I was kinda excited and hopeful with the idea of possibly being able to compete in this scholarship thing. But they have fine line requirements that i didn't see till now, and unless I magically get like 4 points higher on my ACT score, or get even smarter and raise my GPA to like a 3.7 or 3.8.....i cant even enter the competition. Putting GPA and ACT score together there is a minimum of 61 points needed to enter. I only have 58, so basically i am not smart enough to enter for the scholarship. And here i thought that i was doing really well in school and that i was smart, according to college though that isn't the case. Looks like ill be going to MCC for my first two years of college for sure now. Definitely have a case of disappointment and I'm actually kinda depressed right now even. I always get hopeful, always, and i always end up getting crushed. Could use one hell of a big huge right now. I know I'm retaking the ACT tomorrow morning, but it isn't like I'm magically going to do so much better on it. I'm sad, mainly for the fact that i really thought i could get somewhere in life, things were really working out and falling into place. Now though, they fell out of it and i have to start over. Thank you for accepting me Aquinas, i would love to go to your college, but I don't have enough money to go to you and I'm not brilliant enough to apply for things that will help me go to you. So I'm sorry but ill have to decline. I'm not really going to say anything more about  this to anyone for a long while, even to my mother because i was hopeful and i feel like she'll laugh at me for even trying. I'll keep this info to myself and any of you who read this post will know it to, but other then that no one will. So MCC it is, I'm staying in town then which is good, gives me another two years to figure life out. But...i don't know if they have the classes i need....and I'm just sad about this. MCC is great and all, but i don't know. I want my giant hug.

The Onion Rings Smited Me

So just a recap on the good random things that have been happening lately, besides the fact that the onion rings that i had the other night I'm thinking were bad because the next morning my stomach was a disaster if you know what i mean. That wasn't fun, but here goes with my list of good things.
1. Deric CAN go to the dance now!!!!!! So excited!!! I get to dance with him for a long while and if you know me well enough you know how happy i am about this. I love dancing with that boy. So now i get to wear my dress and it does have a purpose, i get to look nice, and Deric gets to look sexy in his fancy clothes, and i get to dance with him and yay!! We just gotta figure out dinner plans and what not. And even if he can go to the dance...we are still going to Envy at some point. Then after the dance we are on TV for Tree on TLC. So cool!
2. I got accepted to Aquinas! Yay, it makes me feel accomplished and smart. And it makes me want to work even harder in school kinda. But it also kinda makes me wonder if that's just going to disappoint me cause i really don't think i can afford this school.
3. Aquinas did send me a $12,000 scholarship in the mail the other day. Really cool cause it was a merit based one. But i still have to come up with 18 thousand more to go...which sadly, I'm not really getting my hopes up for because it probably wont happen, but i guess its OK to dream. Just not too much cause getting disappointed over something this huge is shattering. That's why life is falling into and out of place, i get accepted, i get a scholarship...but i know there is like no way i can possibly come up with the money to go there, but i would love to go there. I have big dreams, but i don't have the resources to go anywhere with them.
4. I don't have to do the lighting for the play anymore cause Mike is a wonderful wonderful man and understands I'm busy so hes having Tyler do the lights. Thank you Mike.
So there are some good things in my life right now, well, i guess the good but the bad of some of them as well.

Another Thing To Check Off The List

Well Tree is finally over. It was my last one and i think it went mighty well. Its another last thing to check off the "since you are a senior now this is your last time doing this" list. Kinda makes you realize how quickly things are actually going by, its kinda scary. But it went well and i did get to see Deric for the most part all week. Which was nice, and i also got to see Eric and people i don't normally get to see all week as well. It was a crazy week though, i just was off for some reason, mentally, emotionally, physically, i don't really know what was up. I just feel like life is in a way falling into place, yet its falling out of it at the same time.
Physically i didn't feel to well most of the week. I kinda felt like i was fighting a stomach flu or something cause my stomach just felt terrible and it felt like i was going to puke, i never did, but i felt like it.
Emotionally i think i was just super tired and drained from not feeling good so i was a little emotional, plus my period is this week so that could have made it worse.
Now, the mental part was the weirdest of all. For some reason i just felt really really angry at nothing in particular. Anything i thought of i got angry about and i have no clue why. Then i watched a movie the other night and some things kinda made sense from that movie. The rest of this may sound strange, so if you aren't looking for strange you might as well stop reading. But here goes. I would think about the most random of stuff and get angry for no reason, then my thoughts got me upset over the things and people i shouldn't be angry/upset over. I mean i never voiced any of this stuff for the fact that it went away as soon as i thought it. So it isn't like it really went anywhere, but it was there. Then this movie happened. This woman in the movie was angry at her soon to be ex husband because he was an ass, cheated on her and then physically threw her out of the house. She then seemed to expect all men to hurt her just the same. Now, i could kinda relate this to my life. My last relationship really hurt me, wasn't to the degree as this ladies, but it did leave scars. And its almost like i have been waiting to be hurt again, like, waiting for that pain, hurt, frustration, and stress to all just come right back, thing is, it hasn't, and it wont. What i have now is not what i had before. I have an amazing guy who treats me right. He loves me unconditionally even when i am acting a little crazy. Even when i have snot running down my face from crying, and even when i feel like crap. He loves me for who i am, for what i am. He loves me for what i look like and how my body is, he doesn't need me to have huge D boobs for me to finally be perfect. I am perfect to him with the boobs i have. He gets proud of me when i do well in school, he is always happy to see me and he still wants to see me just the same even after we have been together for almost a year and a half now (really need to re-read these things sometimes cause it was definetly been over a year. Fail on my part). He makes me feel good about myself even when i have days when i look in the mirror and hate what i see. He helps me through the problems that i have with going out into the world soon and possibly moving a little ways away (This is because i got my Aquinas acceptance letter!!! Only going to be able to go there though if i can get the financial aid and money to go there, but if i could go there...i would really like to). Which I'm scared for because i don't want to lose this guy, he is everything to me. I couldn't bare to lose him. He likes doing things with me and being weird with me and just hanging out. My friends love him, my family loves him, my dog loves him, and most of all...I love him. I think back on the thoughts i was having and i wonder why in the world i was expecting to be hurt again, probably cause i never knew anything else, but then i think about Deric and just how wonderful he is and i know that i will never be hurt again. I also concluded that Deric is...I'm going to be a little cliche here....but he is my fairy tale. (Got that from the movie to) He is my happy ending. I love him so much.

I'm A Good Girlfriend

Well, like the title says, I'm a good girlfriend. So, this weekend has kinda been the kinda weekend where I am just not really in the mood to be around people. There are a select few i care to be around, and i just like being either with them or alone. Kat was going to have another movie party again tonight and I thought about going, but i was just not in the mood to socialize with people, even my good good friends. But i didn't want to sit on my butt at home, and i was kinda in the mood to do something, so I went over to Deric's house while he was at work and still is, and i cleaned his room. It was getting messy and i felt like it was a good thing to do and i actually enjoy cleaning now and then and i got to be by myself with music playing so it actually was quite enjoyable for me. His room is REALLY clean to. I put all the dirty clothes downstairs, so he actually has a LOT of laundry to do but other then that not much cause his rooms clean, cleaned up the garbage, tidied up papers and just the little messy things, i actually dusted a bit of stuff that REALLY needed it, changed his sheets cause i remembered he had said he needed to do that but hadn't yet, vacuumed everywhere, and in the end it looks super nice and super clean. I do hope he likes it.

Before Tree Begins...

To start off, I probably wont be on much this next week because it is Tree week so i will be at the Frauenthal all week, but ill post a picture of the tree on here because it is pretty sweet, and we are going to be on TV on December 10th at 10pm on TLC. So cool! We are getting to be on a program about extreme trees and since it is the tallest Singing Christmas tree in the world, we get to be on TV. Everyone in tree is excited to see it.
But life right now has been kinda interesting with a lot of ups and downs.
Ups:
Got to spend the night at Deric's again, it was really nice cause we actually slept ALL night long and went to bed at like 10:30ish. We cuddled all night long. It was so nice. He got us some water in the middle of the night because we both woke up really thirsty, then i ended spilling it all over myself cause i didn't realize how full it was. That was nice cause my shirt was soaking wet then. But it was really really nice. Deric also got to go to Thanksgiving with my family after having to convince my aunt. My family is kinda weird about things like that. Basically they believe if you are not living with your significant other you aren't serious. Which is so not true, me and Deric are very serious...and i think my aunt finally realized that so he got to go which was really nice. I got to hang out with my friends the other night watching movies, having a girls night is quite enjoyable. Oh, i also was able to get some Christmas shopping for myself done, as selfish as that sounds. lol, but me and my mom recently went to wet seal and a lot of the clothes i had previously wanted but didn't have the money for were on the sale and on the buy one get one for a penny rack. I was so excited. I got them all for really cheap and they look good. Plus i also found a pair of heels. They are tall, but cute and I'm excited about them. I never get new shoes, or at least new fancy shoes, so its a big deal to me. Plus i am also getting farther on one of Deric's Christmas gifts, which i hope he likes. I need to figure out what else to get him, or he needs to tell me what he wants. I kinda have another idea of something i could make, but i don't know exactly how I'm going to do it and make it how I'm thinking it in my head. I need to figure that out, and go to Hobby Lobby....they will give me good ideas. Something i do want to do though is take pictures in winter time, i like the look of the snow and the snow flakes falling in the pictures, i think its cute. I wanted to talk to Dawn and see if she could do some..but i don't think that's going to happen after last night. But ill figure something out cause i haven't taken any pictures in a long long while, so it needs to happen cause I'm having ideas and withdrawals.
Downs:
Well, like i had said i had a girls night the other night with my friends. Well during that i got a phone call from Dawn, she wanted to talk to me. So i went and met her at the Plaza parking lot, and as soon as i got there i regretted saying that i could talk. Its wasn't just her, it was her, her boyfriend, and Amelia. The last person i wanted to see. They wanted to break it to me that they were all moving in with each other come January, mind you Amelia is still in high school and one hell of a big whore. I think its the worst idea ever, but that s what they wanted to tell me but i had to tell them i already knew, as did the whole school. It just really awkward from there and i wanted to leave and be near people i liked again. I know in a sense i lost Dawn as a friend because i cant hang with her without Amelia being there, but after last night, I'm starting to be ok with it. I just felt weird being near them all, and i didn't want to feel that, so I'm actually starting to be ok with the idea of not being in that group of people anymore. I know that i have better people in my life then that. I have my big group of friends and i have Deric, those are the important people in my life. I don't need to deal with those whom i really cant stand and or don't care for anymore. I, well more like me and Deric, had a slight scare the other day, not going to say what it was, but for now its nothing to worry about it, but i still need to watch it cause there is still a possibility. So we are kinda dealing with that to, and i guess my feelings on it are a little confused. I know that i could handle it if that happened, i mean i would be rather upset for a long while, but i would definitely get over it. I asked Deric what he would do if it happened, and he gave an answer that i was happy with. I just needed to know that he would be there for me and help me through it. That he wouldn't run and leave me and that he would still love me even if that happened. Sometimes i feel like though that Deric might be angry at me or be unhappy if that happened, i know he wouldn't but sometimes the way he expresses the fact that its a negative makes me feel that way. That and i don't know how I'd feel about getting huge....it would be weird and i think I'd feel ugly a bit. Just, I'm rather skinny...so going from that to huge would be a shocker. My house has also been a bit crazy as of late. People yelling a lot more and what not and that stresses me out to a degree cause i like the quiet at times.
So, there is all that stuff. I feel like i had more to say, but I'm not entirely sure. I'm listening to a really bad remix right now that's on the radio. Um, if i have more ill post something else.

The Lets Punch People In The Face Kinda Day

Today has just not been going well for me, besides my morning which was wonderfully wonderful. Which consisted of me having a reverse have day which basically means we go to school at noon. So i got up at about 8:30am got ready, went and woke Deric up and we went to the Cherokee for breakfast again. That is always so much fun, i like breakfast with him. I got a stack of pancakes...we didn't know how big their pancakes were...so i got 3....they are like the size of a dinner plate. I couldn't eat them all. But that's ok. Then we went back to his house, cuddled, did some stuff, napped kinda, then in a way everything was suddenly quiet. Our talking, gestures, tone, it all was a kind of gentle, soft, loving quiet. It was in a way cute. I then headed to school and then school was school. I then had to set up for Coffeehouse, which is where my day started going down hill. Hal my stuff was ready and together, but the rest had to be done with a crescent wrench. Which no one happened to have. At all. So i was stuck, frustrated, and a little annoyed with the fact that i had no way to get anything finished. But luckily Deric showed up and saved the day. He helped me with my stuff, and we got it set up. But then we had a cable go weird and short things out and shock things and smoke and that was frustrating. Then he left for work and i eventually left to pick up my sister. Then i headed home, made my own dinner so i got dinner, then went to my therapy appointment. Mind you through all of this my mom and dad are arguing about who knows what. My mom gets into a pissy mood and blah blah blah. I get to my therapy session, frustrated, annoyed, and irked. Then guess what! She double booked that time...so i get to go in tomorrow after out half day. This is after she has cancelled on me twice already...making me really not want to go......then i just go back to the school, my mom drops me off and is just pissed about who knows what. I get to the school and the bad cable from before has shorted the circuit. Joy, that takes forever to fix, then sound has a bad cable and has to fix it. I'm just not happy by this point. Then i go to take my birth control...an guess what. I fucking hate people. Someone stole it out of my bag. It is no where to be seen. I just got so pissed and angry and frustrated because i don't need to get pregnant right now, not for awhile longer...like many years longer....and it isn't just all this that's making me upset. Its the fact that my mom and sister have been pissy the whole entire week, after my chiropractor appointment last week my back has been hurting so bad and i don't know why. Like it was ok before i went, now it hurts to the point where i just want to lay down, like I'm sitting here typing this and it hurts, really bad. To the point i may stop here soon cause it hurts to much. My week hasn't been totally bad though, i mean the other night Deric tucked me into bed and kissed me goodnight and it was so nice and i wish he could do it every night. And we were talking about how he isn't going to the dance anymore but gets to instead spend time with me every day next week for a couple hours and he said hes excited about it. I am to because i love spending time with him, and when he said that i felt so nice inside. He still loves seeing me and he cares so much. I mean, I'm still upset about the dance cause everyone is talking about it now and i keep hearing songs i think would be nice to dance to, and i know we wont be able to go to envy for a long while....so i don't know. Ill deal though. I was also able to finally convince my aunt to let Deric go to Thanksgiving with us so yay!! I just, i don't know, I'm a mix of emotions right now. Happy, excited, angry, sad, disappointed, frustrated, content, peaceful, fed up, its a lot of stuff. Also i found out recently that my once friend is moving in with Dawn and her boyfriend so now i feel like i lost another friend because i cant ever hang out with Dawn anymore because the one girl will be there and i don't like her at all anymore and never again will. I keep losing people and i hate it. I went through this once before and i would like to not go through it again. I wanted to see if maybe she would do me a favor but now i don't even think its worth asking, i just feel like our friendship has gotten awkward almost. Gah, life, stop messing with me and the people i care about. I would apreciate it.

So Many...

I don't even know what exactly to say here, i just have way to much to say, to much to get out on here, so much flowing through my mind that it almost seems impossible to get it all down. A lot has happened in a day, a lot.....For one, as it seems life is the most unfair thing on this planet. I sadly can relate this to a quote that is on a bathroom stall at school. "No one dies a virgin cause life fucks you over." I'm starting to wonder what degree of truth there is in this saying. Why is it always the people that have worked so hard and are struggling and are hurting that get screwed over? Why? Does life just enjoy making cruel jokes? Things like this make it so easy to believe in an evil, cause dear lord, it seems to be having its sick twisted fun. You see, Deric's mom had been laid off for some time and had finally gotten another job. This was a good thing because they had been struggling for money for bills and whatnot and Deric was the really only source of income. So her getting a job I think took a weight off his shoulders so he could not worry as much. But guess what? Life is such a bitch, she just got laid off again. Now Deric is looking for a second job and hes stressing out and worried yet again. A second job would be so hard for and on him, i know he wouldn't ever get much sleep and it would be stressful. He wouldn't have a life....Deric deserves to have a little fun in his life, and all of that is being taken away from him. He should be able to live without this on his shoulders, a person can only take so much and i cant bare to see him hurting. I know if he got a second job we would rarely see each other. That would be hard for us both. Then it seems to take other fun things out of life as well. He had promised me that he would go to the Christmas dance with me at my school, which happens to be the weekend after tree, Eric wanted him to do tree but he said no because he was going to the dance with me because he is not going to be able to get two weekends off in a row. But then this happened, and Eric can promise him a large amount of hours which means more money then he would normally make in a week at work. So to get the needed extra money, he is going to work tree, but that means no dance. Now, i love going to dances/dancing with him and this meant a lot to me and Deric knows this full well. He feels terrible for not being able to go, but what can you do? Things happen in life and there is nothing you can do about it even if you wanted to. "Things happen, it's ok, don't worry about it." All my answers to this switch in plans. But i will say this, yes i am hurt a lot, I want to go dance so badly with you, and it has been taken away from me. But that is not your fault, you cant control life, no one can. I am so very disappointed, yes. It hurts. I now have a dress that i am wondering what to do with now because i cant wear it to anything else now...it has no purpose anymore. I'm sad, for many things at the moment yes, but still. But you want to know what makes this all ok? You want to know? You didn't tell me you cant go because you just don't want to, you didn't say no because you didn't like dances and just didn't want to go with me, you never blew me off about this dance. I think you may have wanted to go to. You said you cant because life took a turn for the worst and you have to do what you have to do to keep your house, your everything. You took it to help out your mom, you took it because you had to. You were responsible, an adult, so very strong in my eyes, i honestly don't know how you can stay so strong. You said you couldn't go for the only perfect reason out there. So its ok. I may be hurt, but not as much as i could be. You are an amazing person, you are so so strong, you take so much on your shoulders that you shouldn't have to yet you do. You look out for your mom when you are old enough that you shouldn't have to. I can only hope that the reason Deric's mom has been laid off again is that there is something far better for her out there waiting. I can only hope. There are so many emotions running through me right now, its crazy. It's hard. But i do want Deric to know that i will always be there for him, no matter how tough life may get. I will always love him no matter what. Always.

Tid Bits Of Life

Well...i have just been thinking about a lot of random little things for like the past week...so hear they are so i can get them straight and figure stuff out here.
1. I am realizing that as a senior my life is going to really start picking up the pace and things are going to be moving faster then they normally do once i graduate. I want to be able to have the option to move out of my house, i want/need to get a car, i want to be independent. I want a job, very badly, so that all this can start happening. I want to get the ball rolling with my life and have it start moving. I am actually really starting to be ok and wanting the real world....kinda. I just, i want to be able to live my life how i want it, do what i want to do and not have to tell someone where I'm going and when ill be at places and who I'm with...i don't want to have to be under a parental supervision anymore. I want to be me finally.
2. I have just really been in the mood to dance lately. Like...its really bad. I have actually been considering taking dance classes or even joining Maddie for dance. I just would really love to be able to dance well, i just...reeeeeaaalllyyy want to dance.
3. Thanksgiving is annoying me cause my moms side of the family has problems when it involves having a boyfriend or girlfriend coming to a family event such as Thanksgiving. They always seem to view it as if it isn't serious they aren't part of the family. Which makes me wonder because me and Deric have been dating for over a year now and me and him both know that this is a serious relationship. My mom was talking to me and she said that she can see that me and him are serious, but my aunt doesnt see it. If we arent living together it isnt serious. That and since Maddie has a new boyfriend about every month or couple monthes now they dont want her bringing all these new guys in so that means Deric cant go either cause if he goes it is only fair if Maddies boyfriend can go. This just really frustrates me.
4. I need to ask Dawn about something because i am having picture withdrawals and i eaither want to be able to take some soon...or once the snow comes have her take some that i have in mind. But i gotta ask her first.
5. Exams are here and ive already taken 2 1/2 of them, and im nervous as to what i got in AP chemistry. I have Ap li and Ap calculus tomorrow. Wish me luck.
6. I am ill right now, i always get ill. I dont like calling it sick cause saying ill just sounds cooler. So im all nyquiled up so i can sleep at night without coughing my lungs up.
7. As always i have a wonderful boyfriend. I cant say that enough. I love you Deric.

There is more to say, much more. But the nyquil is kicking in and im passing out. So more in the future to come. Goodnight

Oh Busy Busy Life

Well this is a picture of the set of the play i have been working all week. Tech week is finally over though and life once more goes back to normal...well...whatever you consider normal to be for my life. I don't know why but my camera wasn't doing well with the quality of this picture so sorry it looks kinda bad. 

But out of tech week and into....Exam week!! Yay...not really....actually not yay at all. All of my hard exams are this week and I'm kinda worried a lot about them. Deric told me not to freak out because he knows i can do it and he said he wouldn't say that if he didn't believe it. Which makes me happy and believe that i can do it. But I'm still worried.

Me and him both just got our tattoos finished. Ill put pictures of them up later on when they all have completely healed and look their best.

So yesterday was kinda scary in some aspects. The morning was fine, i went to an art museum then went over to Deric's. We cuddled all morning and half the afternoon before he had to go to work. It was nice, i love cuddling with him and i missed it a lot. Then we went to take a shower and that's when things got weird. He was washing me up as i had just washed him, you know being all cute and all both of us, but as he was washing me i started to feel really weird, like my stomach didn't feel well and then suddenly nothing felt right. Deric i think must have noticed something wasn't right because he asked me if i was ok, i didn't answer cause i honestly couldn't and didn't know how to. I thin he may have turned my head towards him to see if i was ok, but then i finally was able to say something and that was that i needed to sit down. If you have ever passed out that's what was i think happening because my vision got all funny and i couldn't really see well anymore, kinda like if you get up to quickly from sitting down. Deric was holding me because he was going to help me sit down but i honestly just kinda crumpled. I sat on the shower floor and i think he made the water cooler to help me out. He then got out of the shower and quickly dried off after he put a towel around me and helped me out. That was scary, and i feel bad that Deric had to see me like that cause i honestly don't know what exactly happened. I think it may have been because i hadn't eaten a whole lot yet that day...but from not eating a lot that hasn't happened before. So I'm not totally sure. Deric was a great help though, and i know i scared him because he kept saying i better not fall down like that again. I do really love him, more then i can put into words. He helps me at my worst, like this time.  

But i mean, other then these not so good things, this morning with Deric was really nice. We cuddled more and I just grow to love him more and more. I want to be with him as long as i live, i cant imagine life without him. I really cant. He makes me feel absolutely amazing about myself, even when i feel ugly. He makes me smile whenever i think about him, and i love hearing his voice. His smile melts my heart and some of those looks he gets in his eyes, i cant even begin to describe how they make me feel. He calms me down when i need it, helps me up when i fall, and makes me smile when I'm crying. He compliments me, calls me lovely, cute, adorable, he makes me feel alive, like i can go through each day and know that no matter how it turns out there will be someone there who loves me no matter what. I love him so very very much.

The First Snow Has Fallen

Yay, the first snow of the season has come. It isn't sticking to the ground or anything yet, and its rather nasty and wet outside, but that means that the real snow is coming soon. I don't really enjoy this in between faze, i like real snow. But I'm happy about this because i really do like winter. I like how it makes everything nice and cozy inside, how it makes everything look just beautiful outside, and how you can go sledding and play in the snow and everything has a freshness to it. It also is very calm and peaceful. And it has the best holidays in it as well, or at least the ones that i think have the nicest feeling to them. Winter has come at last.
I haven't been on here much this week because i have been doing the tech week for a show at my school called Lost In Yonkers, I'm doing the lighting for the play and it has turned out really nice. I'm really happy with it and proud of it...even if it simple and only for a box set which is the easiest set to light. I still am happy though, i got it all done on time, no worries, everything is perfect, in cues, and ready to go. I mean yeah i have basically been at the school from 6:30 am to 9:30pm each day all week....so you can kinda see why i haven't had much time, but i love doing theatre, its a second home to me. Today we had our opening night and everything tech wise went perfectly fine...its just the people i have to deal with that make me pissed and make the show not run well. I have a girl who was supposed to be my assistant for this show who never helped me at all. Me and Deric did the lighting for this show...not her....yet shes still sticking around and shes really annoying me. She thinks she knows everything there is to know about the theatre...she doesn't, she just started helping really, and just the way she is and talks bothers the heck outta me. So she started giving me a headache today. Then we have the newer tech people who stress over the little things and are like freaking out when I'm sitting there going this happens all the time, no big deal, we get it fixed its good, no need to freak out...and i still have to listen to them freak out. Then we have the ushers who are just people i want to smack because they have to consideration for the audience or the theatre and just piss me off, and finally there are people who are just dumb, just plain stupid who i want to punch cause they also annoy me to the point of a migraine...which i got today mind you. Just..GAH...sometimes i hate people.
There are pictures i need to put up here soon. I will when i get the time. I also want to ask Dawn something that i don't know if she will want to do or if Deric will agree to do it if she says yes...hmm. But yeah, my week so far has been interesting.

Wonderful Weekend With You

I'll start with Saturday.
First off i woke up around 10-10:30, got out of bed, took a shower, and went over to my grandparents house to mow their lawn. That went fine, i mean since is fall here i had to bag everything because there are leaves everywhere, so that took awhile, but other then that mowing went swell. Then i went over to Deric's house to hang out with him before he went to work. We chilled and had a good time and then he went to work. I then got ready for Fiddle Festival, which i was fearing and dreading and also excited for. Fiddlers hasn't been going the best this year, and being in charge is a lot of stress and it makes it not so fun anymore. But I got there, heard about some random drama about a girl who used to be my friend but isn't anymore because she slept with my ex after i told her not to. So that was interesting, and i think its going to turn her into even more of a whore. Considering she went to a random guys house after that and slept with him to feel better. Who knows, shes messed up, which makes me so freakin glad that I'm not around her much anymore. But then things got even more annoying for me because my ex was doing the lights for this thing and he slept with this girl...then another girl he had slept with came into the auditorium, and i started feeling dirty. Like not like i did something to actually feel dirty, but it was the fact that i basically shared this person with these other girls made me feel gross. But then i let the Irish music take over and fill my brain and that made me feel better. That and when we started playing i didn't have to care about anything anymore so it was fun again. Then the group we had that came in was really good. Finvarra's Wren, look them up if you like Irish music, they are phenomenal. Then after Fiddle Fest we went to Russ' as a group and Tyler was there and we had fun. Then i went over to Deric's and then we went to Tyler's house, watched a movie, then headed back to Derics.
I got to spend then night again which was wonderful. We didn't get a terrible amount of sleep, but that's ok because any night with him is always amazing. He had the computer on for a bit because it helps him to sleep, i was just kinda laying down trying to sleep myself. He then turned off the computer because it was getting late and he said he wanted me to be able to get some sleep. We then cuddled for a long long time. It was wonderful. Then later on i woke up to Deric, then we started doing certain things. Which are always wonderful because it just always is and he always says I love you afterwards so i always feel wonderful afterwards. We then cuddled again and talked and it was just so nice and calming and i just love him so much. We finally fell asleep again and then finally woke up around 8:30.
I then took a shower and then we went to the Cherokee for breakfast, which i had never been to. I cant explain enough how much doing that with him meant to me. I felt even more close to him and it made my morning wonderful. We then went to the school to do load in for the play. It was nice working there and me and Deric had a good time. We then went back to his house so he could get ready for work. Stuff happened again and i must say, i just feel even more and more close to him and i love him so so much. Today was just wonderful. :)

Yeah....

Huh, i guess i am in a cuddle mood because i was just thinking about what i wanted.....and i wanted to cuddle. This could be due to the fact that my bed is like super comfy and cozy right now but even still, i want some cuddle time. Just chilling with each other, cuddling, being all cute, happy and warm, saying loving things to each other. Its a nice picture in my mind. And if my dad can convince my mom to let me sleep over at Deric's house again that can happen. Yay! Lets hope my dad can work his magic again cause my moms against it this time.

Eh, Ok

Well plans changed a bit for tomorrow, thought id get to see Deric before he went to work but i guess not now cause hes getting his car fixed, which trust me is a good thing, but i do like seeing him. And I'm in a cuddle mood right now to, i wont have anybody to cuddle...unless i want it to be awkward....lol. That and that was really the only part of my day that i was looking forward to cause i have school, then getting help for chemistry...which my grade is finally going up in....then fiddle rehearsal from 6-9....which i long and stressful. Derics the person who relaxes me and calms me down. But i mean hey, if you gotta do something you gotta do it. Especially fixing your car, that's VERY important cause you need a car to get places and without it you are screwed. So i understand. I guess i can just work on my homework and some other things.

Why Staud Why??

Why did you have to retire Staud??? Orchestra just sucks so much now that you are gone. Jeroudi isn't a bad teacher don't get me wrong, hes just got his priorities all messed up. The orchestra knows what we need to work on and we tell him this....and he blows it off. He keeps on having us do festival stuff....festivals in FEBRUARY.....we have The Singing Christmas Tree concert the end of this month into next month....we sound not so good.....and he could care less it seems. We need to work on tree music but no, festival is more important. Cause you know...soooo many people watch festival and talk about festival.....people go to tree and talk about tree and it gets on TV and in newspapers. Tree is the big thing for us...not festival. We haven't even gone to festival for the last 2 years because its been across the state. I'm sorry but if its like more then 3 hours away there is no way in hell I'm going. That would be just 6 plus hours on a bus.....not happening. I mean, when the whole freaking orchestra is upset by this, its not going to end well. We ALL know this yet Jeroudi just cant get it through his brain that after tree we will have like 2 and half months to work on festival crap. We only have a couple of weeks before tree. The music may be easy but we need to practice it because for some reason its not sounding right like it normally does. Which sadly i think is because of the 2nd violins..not because they have no good players...but because none of them are loud enough to drown out all the really crappy players. This just really pisses me off because orchestra is something i am hating now. I never was frustrated like this with it before, i never worried about things like i am now, i never wanted to kill people like this before. I am just so frustrated. And orchestra isn't it, there is also fiddlers. Which Jeroudi is running now also. We SUCK SO BAD, and we have our biggest performance on Saturday and we are not ready at all and I'm stressing over that as well because I'm a leader now in it. Four of us had to take over cause Jeroudi was doing shit. And now for some reason we also suck more then ever and we have to use harsh and mean tactics to get it right...and even then i don't know if we can pull it together. GAH, this just sucks. The things i used to really like doing now i dread and i kinda am hating. It is actually making me glad that I'm a senior so i wont have to deal with it anymore because i honestly don't know how long i can. Orchestra might die and so might Fiddlers. I am so pissed and frustrated and i don't really know. I just want someone to hug me and tell me that everything is going to be just fine and that it will all work out even when i know it probably wont. I just need someone to put a little bit of hope back into my frazzled brain.

Took Me Long Enough, But....It's A Good Thing

So, the other day me and Deric had a talk about the 5 month thing i may or may not choose to do. We talked about it and he said he supports whatever decision i make. Even if that decision means not doing anything for 5 months. Our conversation ended, but what i never had said was that i wasnt finished....I had more i wanted to say but was afraid to say it because when i did on here he kinda laughed at me about it and i didnt want to be laughed at again. I worried that if i did this 5 month thing and we did nothing for that long that he would go find someone else to do what i couldnt do for him. In other terms....i was afriad he would cheat on me. I know that it would not happen, Deric is to good of a guy to do that, and i know he wouldnt do that because he loves me very much. But i have fears, i never had the reassurance before that the person i was with wouldn't do anything like that. Whenever i was even with them and around other girls, say ones with bigger boobs then mine or ones that were prettier then me, nothing ever felt safe, i never felt like i was the only important one in there eyes. There were always others. But, after last night, i know that i will never have to worry about things like that. Deric is just to amazing. As i had said in my last post we went to Club Envy, and it being Halloween there were girls dressed up in everything imaginable...and barely anything at all. There were the go go dancers that were basically in lingerie and nothing at all and girls with there asses hanging out and boobs everywhere. At first i was kinda like eh, not too sure about this, but it was like as soon as i thought that, i felt weird thinking it. When we were hanging out i didn't feel concerned at all, i felt like Deric was only looking at me in that certain way. I was the only important one to him. Even when i was basically dressed normal, i was still the best one there to him. Even when the go go dancers started dancing, we watched them cause there dancing was really cool, but i felt like he was just watching them like i was. There were girls there that were barely dressed and prettier then me, yet i was the important one. I cant explain how good that makes me feel and how much it reassures me of everything. I love Deric to death and I know he loves me. Its a good feeling.

That Lovely Ringing In My Ears

I had SOOOOOOOOO much fun tonight!!! You have no idea. Went to Club Envy with Deric because i was supposed to be acting or something like that there for Miles but he is kinda a rather unorganized individual, so getting makeup and what not didn't work because his air brush was broken and i had been counting on that for most of my costume. So in the end he really had nothing for me to do. So for awhile me and Deric just kinda hung out listened to the ear deafening music that is so wonderful and talked to people. It's nice to know the people that work there...you get in free and can do things you shouldn't be doing and you have management and security on your side for anything. Not that we needed it..but still cool to know. So then me and Deric went onto the dance floor because when there is music like that and people dancing.....i gotta dance. I love it, so so much. Plus you can people watch which i enjoy. But me and Deric then basically danced the night away and i didn't have to worry about time really cause I'm taking a personal day from school tomorrow so i don't have to get up at whatever the fuck in the morning. We just danced and danced. The music was blaring, people everywhere, in Halloween costumes mind you cause its there Halloween party thing from Thursday to Saturday. I love dancing with Deric to, just the way he reacts to it, kisses me during it, and everything about it. It makes me happy. So i can officially say I went clubbing, so much fun. Now I'm home...my ears are ringing like crazy and i feel deaf, but i loved my night, had its ups and downs and funny moments...but great great time.

Sleepovers Make Me Happy.

Well, I definitely would have posted in here a while ago...but we had no Internet for about 4 days. That kinda sucks cause i couldn't check things i needed to check and find out things i needed to. This week has been wonderful, draining, nice, and tiresome. So here is my week.
Well to start out with my weekend then week so far:
I gotta love being 18, my parents are trusting me as a responsible adult and letting me do things they normally would NEVER let me do. Like getting to have sleepovers at Deric's house!!!!! OMG it was so nice. We talked about having them on Friday because we were both tired and he still had to drive me home so we thought about me sleeping over. He talked to his mom about it and she was on board with it as long as i had my parents permission. So then on Saturday i was hanging out at Deric's house before i had to go babysit. We cuddled and talked and it was really nice, then we both talked about me sleeping over again and he wanted me to from Saturday to Sunday even though he was closing that night. I told him if i did i would be asleep before he got home and he thought that that would be cute to have him come home to me sleeping in his bed. I then went to go babysit and that's when i talked to my dad about it...and then my mom. Surprisingly, they said YES. I was sooooooo excited!! AND as long as its on weekends.....or none school nights...i think it will be ok to do maybe like once or twice a month. But after I babysat my family had a little bonfire in our new fire pit, then i went to Deric's. Me and his mom talked for a bit while watching he new Pirates movie, but then i was getting really tired and i went to bed. His bed is really comfy. Well i was asleep for like 3 hours before Deric got home and woke me up. It was pitch black when he did and i had no clue what was going on and what he was because it was so dark and i was half asleep. But then i realized it was him and he got in bed and we cuddled and it was wonderful. He hadn't known i was sleeping over and he was so excited and happy. We cuddled for a long while then did some other stuff then we both finally went to sleep. Or at least i did cause he was up for awhile longer. I then had to go to church in the morning so we decided to do our sleepovers on Friday to Saturday so we can at least sleep in. I had a wonderful night and I love that boy so much. Hes really amazing and always thinks about what will help me. I don't think i can say I love you enough. He makes me so happy.
Then you know, this week has just been a long week so far and its only Tuesday. Plus when i wake up in the morning i am SO EXHAUSTED, i barely can get out of bed, and I'm usually not like that. It is really frustrating cause i don't know why i cant wake up. But other then that i think this week will be just fine. Just tiring and long.

AWWWW!!!

The Fiddlers are so sweet!!! They got the four of us who have been taking charge cards and gift cards. The cards were all rather special, and i got a gift card to Joan Fabrics which is nice cause i actually really needed it. But i felt so loved and appreciated and it came out of no where. We were so not expecting it. It is just nice being appreciated like that for doing something you love.

My Brains In Knots

I honestly don't know what to do exactly. I have been given the proposition of trying something that will help me in the end, but it is a 5 month process and it entails a series of tests, blood drawings, and other things. I don't know if i should do it or not. I am honestly scared to really, but the outcome can be so good that the thought of doing it sounds so good. But, i am so terrified of one part in particular, a stipulation that MUST be followed or it isn't even possible. But it is a stipulation that i have a problem with either way it can go. It entails either using two forms of it, or not doing it at all. And either way...I'm scared and screwed. For the first part of that, the using two forms of it, I am ok with the one perfectly fine (considering I'm on it right now), but the other terrifies me. I think i may possibly have a phobia towards it, and having to use it for 5 months every single time that happens......i don't think i can. He hasn't seen me when on gets near me in that way, and i honestly don't want him to have to see me like that. I break down crying and i think i have a panic attack. I can say that i have had way to many doctors in my life and i associate it with a doctors glove, and that does not need to be in the picture when that's happening. So that scares me to pieces. And the other part of it, the doing nothing for 5 months....well, that scares me to, but in a different way. I know that i like it a lot, and i know that so does he...like, a crap ton.....and i know that 5 months is just about a third of our whole relationship so far, and 5 months is a long long time. If i chose that route, what would happen? I know my fears would never happen, he isn't like that, but not doing that for 5 months and basically cutting cold turkey will get to anyone. I would be right there but unavailable for that. My fear there is what if, what if the need and urge got so bad that he couldn't wait the 5 months for that to be over. What if, what if he found someone else to help him out with that problem and didn't wait for me.....what if he found someone else because i couldn't do anything. What if that made him not love me anymore.....Idk, these thoughts have just been in my mind and i needed to get them out to sleep tonight. I think in the end, because both of these options are just to hard for me, i wont go with the thing. I am just to scared of both to go through with it.

I Love You

I love you, I love you, I love you, I cant say that enough. I want to be close to you, as close as i can. I want to be in your arms with you whispering in my ear all the lovely things you say. I want to lay with you and be in a warm fluffy blanket with your arms around me and you just gently kissing my nose, forehead, and lips. Both of us looking into each others eyes with that warm lovely look that your eyes have. That amazing smile on your face and the comforting warmth that comes from you. Everything you do and everything you say makes me love you more. Deric, I love you and i don't ever want to lose you. I cant imagine life without you. I honestly cant. I love you more than anything.

^-^

"I love u too sweety" -Deric

A text i got from Deric that made my day. ^-^ He is a wonderful guy.

Another Day Of Pain....But Not Mine This Time.

Lets hope you are ok with me putting the picture of your tattoo on here....
So, Deric got his tattoo today. Like mine though it isn't completely done yet, he still has to get some constellation stuff finished and possibly some color if he decides to do that. It turned out great though, Chief does a great job. If you couldn't tell, its a Leo with the Leo symbol in it, for all of you blind people out there. Though, if you were blind i don't know how you would be reading this....anyways....he decided to get it on his ribs after going back and forth from the idea for a week after Chief had told him it would be the worst pain he had ever felt. Deric still went with it. Lets just say that Chief was right...Deric was in intense pain the entire time and he squeezed my arm most of the time because if he had squeezed my hand he would have broken it. My arm turned grey after awhile and i have marks from it, but that didn't hurt me at all. It was kinda hard to watch him get the tattoo though because i have never seen him in so much pain. That was rather hard to watch. But Deric stuck it out and got it done. Proud of him for it and it will definitely be a story to tell in the future. My tattoo is healing up great though so far, it just itches like hell. But I'm excited to get it completely finished and to in the future possibly get more tattoos. There are a few i know ill get...but that would be for another like, 10 years depending. Today went well though i think.

My Life Has Been Rather....Hectic

This week has been really crazy.
Me and my mom have been having some spats lately. She thinks i have a major anger problem, and other issues. We don't have the best relationship and i know this, but there are things that she does that are hard not to get angry at her for. If you ever met my mother...you'd understand. But, she believes that therapy solves everything, and wants me to go. So, after a LOT of consideration, talking it through with Deric, and definitely a hard mind battle, i told her that i would go. I wont like it, i know this. Why would i want to go and talk to a random person about my life and its problems? I don't trust people like that. I go soon and Deric said he would go with me because I'm not comfortable at all with going. There could be a problem in that though because the week i go may be his dough week so he may not be able to get the right day off. If he cant go....well, its gonna be a rough day.
Then there is the fact that i have been having really early mornings and late nights. This is from having a zero hour and being out late at the Frauenthal for the Hairspray production. Its rough on me, but I'm dealing.
Then there is my classes and dealing with doing well in them. Chemistry is still freaking tough.

On a good note though, Deric has been with me through thick and thin and when I'm having a really rough day. He helps me to smile even in the toughest of situations. He also helps me to think clearly when I'm freaking out. He kinda helps me to see a different side to a problem which helps me to understand and deal with it better. Hes even there for when i just want to cuddle and nap for hours on end. Its really nice to have a great guy like him. Everyone out there who reads this, I hope that you can find someone like him because you would be the happiest person in the world. That's how he makes me feel, and everyone deserves that feeling. He suggested a vacation he maybe wants to take in September to a nice little cabin like thing by the lake. Its really pretty in the pictures and would be really nice and romantic to go to with him. And whether or not we are able to go, i really don't mind. For those kind of things its really just the thought that counts. I just love him very much, if you couldn't tell.
But I think i will end this on a good note and i am off to watch Robin Hood: Men In Tights.

A Day Of Chosen Pain

Well, got my first tattoo today. Its on my right hip and yeah, it hurt. Mainly the spots that had no meat on them..aka my hip bone. Hurt like poo, but the other parts really didn't terribly cause after awhile certain parts just went numb. Its kinda weird to have because i keep thinking its going to be like those henna tattoos that's I've gotten and that it'll be gone in a week....but no. Its permanent forever, i just have to get that into my brain cause this one will for sure not go away. There are a few things that need to be fixed (kinda more along the lines of the guy wants to add so it looks even better) and that is make some lines thicker and add in a grey shading and a few other things. It is sore right now, and it feels like someone is still putting that needle into my skin. I didn't pass out or anything and i only had to have him stop a few times because i was starting to twitch really bad. My hip is bruised now to because i think the needle just went into my bone so now its bruised and sore. But well worth it i think. Its forever there....gotta remember this, its just weird going from one day of having nothing there..to something there forever. Whenever i pull up my shirt, whenever i get naked, take a shower, go swimming, its there. I like it for sure, just something to get used to. And I'm glad Deric likes it (I think he thinks its sexy but not entirely sure on that one) and that means a lot to me to because i plan on being with him for as long as i can be, until i die preferably, and i mean, if he likes it for that long ill be more than happy. Hes planning on getting a tattoo soon to. This one on his rib cage, which from what he has been old is gonna hurt like no other. So he is kinda in reconsidering where its gonna go mode. But i really do think that if that is where he really wants it he should get it there cause if he gets it someplace else he may not like it. I think he needs to keep that in mind.

On a side tangent from the tattoos, just noticed something today, nothing bad at all, something more of kinda and loving. Something in your eyes has changed a bit, a look. Its more gentle, kind, loving. Not that it wasn't that before cause it definitely was, but like, i can really see it now. It makes me happy. And I love you more than anything and I always will. I know you know this, but i don't think i can ever tell you enough. And you tell me that you love me all the time to, you call me from work just to say it, you never fail to say it after we do stuff (which means the world to me because i know that i have just done that with someone who truly cares about me and loves me and isn't afraid to tell me so), and you just say it everyday whenever. If you want to know why i seemed more emotional today it was because i just wanted to tell you like a billion times that i loved you and that you are the most amazing person in the world. It was those kind of days when you just feel so loved by the other person and your emotions are like flooded with love and happiness but its so much that you don't really know just how to express it. Definitely one of those days, but those are always good days and i thank you for them. <3

What Ifs Aren't Always Bad, Who Knew?

Came across this today, me just kinda chilling and thinking. Then my happy what ifs hit me. They made me really happy and jittery and stuff and it made me feel good to finally have a nice what if because the ones i have had lately are not happy thoughts at all. Though, i kinda countered it with another thought just to stem down the happyness just so i didnt have a happy crash later on, as bad as that sounds. But it was really nice to have these today. I have just been on the happier side lately, kinda sorta, and i want to thank Deric for that. He knows how to make me feel good about anything and how to make my day better. I love him very much. In a way i kinda want to thank myself to, one for finally letting the past go, two for working hard in school and slowly but surely getting that chemistry grade up, and for three believing in myself. So thank you Deric and thank you self.

On a side note, tomorrow im getting my tattoo! Nervous as hell.......but i can do this. Derics coming with so ill hopefully be ok. We shall see because it is a needle, and i knwo how i get with certain needles. But i can do this!!

The Wonder Days

The last few days have been wonderful.
School has been going pretty well, took an AP chem test yesterday and I'm still waiting to see how bad i did. I studied and all, but I'm struggling in that class a lot. I'm hoping for a C at least on the test.
I have been really tired because i haven't been able to sleep well the past few nights(not sure why) but that still hasn't stopped me, I'm still kickin.
I am finally letting the past stay the past and looking towards the future with high hopes. Its gonna be rough, but I'm ready for it. I am glad that certain things will now forever be behind me, certain people to, it feels good. No offense to them, but i am glad to not have to deal with their drama and bullshit anymore. Gives me a clear head.
Getting my tattoo Saturday!!! I finally decided to have A.W.O.L do it because i have heard a TON of good things about them and i know a lot of people who have gotten on from them. I'm nervous as hell though, but Deric is coming with me because i definitely need someone there with me cause ill freak out if i don't.
Speaking of Deric, he has been so amazing. I really do love him and he does things every day that just make me love him even more. It makes me so so happy every day. I go to bed all happy, content, and with cute thoughts in my head every night. You know how wonderful that is??? Its amazing and he's amazing. Deric, I love you and i thank you for being who you are. You definitely are something special and yes, you do have an infectious smile. :)

Sleeping In The Stars

Going to bed feeling like this is wonderful. I had an eventful day. Went to Deric's in the morning and we naped and cuddled. Then i dropped off my shirts at work, went to the coffeehouse, went to Zobl's house, and then finally back to Deric's. We watched a movie, cuddled, did stuff, and it all was just so nice. He loves me, I love him, what more could i ask for? We cuddle and kiss, and just chill and its just, wonderful. Drove home and it was a clear sky and the stars were beautiful. Now im going to bed happy, content, and feeling good. I love that boy to death. <3

Being Practical ALL Of The Time Isn't Practical

So shopping with my mother is never and has never been the best time I've ever had. A lot of the time it's when we are shopping for shoes. See, I have been wanting a nice pair of heels for a while now, just mainly to have for whenever i want to wear them and for going to the club or something (whenever i get to doing that), and for when i want to look good on a date or something. But every time i go to buy something like that, i show my mom and she just tells me that they aren't practical and that i should look for a normal, plain, and extremely practical shoe. It makes me kinda pissed and kinda upset with her. Maybe once in my life i would like to buy a not so practical something, just so i can have it, just so that it makes me happy to finally own something that i have wanted to for a loong long time. Maybe i just want to buy something for myself because i haven't done that in a while and food doesn't count. Being practical for a lot of things is smart, but living that way forever just gets boring and rather depressing. For a girl, i own like no shoes. They are all very old and very worn. I do have other heels but those or more formal and i wear them to very formal occasions. I want a less formal heel. I want a new pair of freakin shoes, i was going to buy them myself to! I kept thinking about it though after she made that comment and when i thought about buying them i just felt bad about it so i ended up not getting them. It really frustrates me sometimes.
Then there is the fact that my mom always is negative towards things i do before she is approving of them, always. Ill make something or do something that I'm really proud of, and she will look at it and be like oh well you could have done this or why didn't you do that. She criticizes it up to shit, then after awhile she will look at me and me like, oh, good job, its nice. That just hurts me and she did it a lot today. It really hurts me and i called her out on it today because i get sick of it. I'm proud of what i do and i want her as my mother to be to....
Lilly is also now on her period, and all she has been doing tonight is scream about her period, how she wants to see her friends, and anything else worth screaming about. Now, you may think yelling, but no, its legit SCREAMING. It makes me hate my house and being here. It starts to make me depressed because i get upset by it and it just ends badly.
Also, i know that me and Amelia's friendship is over for the most part. I mean we still talk at fiddlers because we are leading it, but other then that its over. But i feel like Amelia is trying to gain it back because she just ended it with Julie and she has been talking a lot more to me in school then normal. I don't want that back, but i can say that i miss that friendship. I miss having that kinda friendship with her, not the fighting and whatnot, but the ability to tell her everything about anything, even the dirty stuff. She kinda understood. My other friends really don't so i cant tell them much. I miss a bit of that friendship, i do, and right now its kinda making me sad. But ill get over it. I will.
Yeah, kinda in a sad mood again. Tomorrow I'm hoping to go over to Deric's in the morning, earlier so we can nap and cuddle together all morning. I need it really bad, just comforting and cuddling. Lets hope tomorrow is a much better day.

Lets Live

Lets forget the past and always move on into the future. Lets let NOTHING stand in our way of becoming who we want to be and what we want to be. Lets forget the people who hurt us, lets see the people who help us. Let us live our lives in the moment and not in the hour before. Lets live, lets have fun, lets laugh , and lets love. Nothing is going to stand in my way anymore, I'm gonna live and I'm gonna live and be awesome at it.

Content

Today was a good day, at school and with Deric. I had fun and laughed a lot at school. Then Deric came over afterwards, we had a good time. Im now in bed, its like only 9:30, hell yeah, and im content, im genuenly happy. I love Deric very much and i do enjoy school at times. Yay for a mostly good day.

The Woah In Life

Tried stuffs today, have yet to figure out if i should have tried stuff cause it causes a mini freakout, i think primamrily because a lot is going on with my life right now and it was my first time. Ill give you an idea of my thought process...

"What if i can't pass chemistry, then i cant have my dream job, but then ill have no life. Well what gonna happen with me and Deric in the future, what if he ended it or something, id be so sad. And with how i have been feeling lately, what if he thinks I'm turning into some depressed psycho or something, that would be bad. What if what if what if. This is what its supposed to be like, huh, seems normal, probably not what its supposed to be, i don't know though. Wow I'm kinda twitching, or i cant tell if I'm shaking form being cold. Hello that feels....weird, interesting, kinda cool. Huh, maybe i dont get vision/hearing differences, maybe just touch. Cool though. (little later) Moms a poo head, i hate her, she sucks, blah blah blah. shes just mean and I'm really sad and i don't know if I'm gonna be able to pull it together. Great...ok maybe mom isnt terrible, still unhappy, but feeling better. Heh...mom your kinda making me laugh and i dont know why. Hahahaaha...omg shut up were talking seriously here and i want to crack up, shut it!! Ok i can do this...omg drunken noodle. Noodle....noodle...noodle......hehehe........

Yeah..............not sure if there should be a second go around or not yet. Well figure it out.

I'm Important To You

Even when i feel like I'm suffocating you and not letting you have you time, even when i offer to let you have you time, you still want me, you still want to see me. You still want to see ME and all that i am and all that i bring. I cant put into words how this makes me feel, i just, i really cant. Around this time in my previous relationship, things took a plummet and i regret to this day not ending it then and there, my stupid stubborn ass.....sigh.....but basically whenever i would say hey lets hang out, it was a no, i have other better things to do or i am hanging out with this person instead. If i saw them as much as I'm seeing Deric, that was waaaay too much and i would go weeks without seeing them, i wasn't important to them. But, this is a whole new ball game for me, im important to you. IM IMPORTANT AND WANTED BY YOU, this makes me cry, happy tears mind you. You want to see me, even after we have been together for over a year now. I know your different from my ex, i have always known that, your not a jerk to me and an ass to me, you care about me and love me and tell me that you love me all the time. It's almost magical. Sometimes i guess i just get in a rut and for some reason think things are going to go in the same direction as the last did, i have no clue why, probably because i have my low points and this is one of them, but to know that you love me and that seeing me is of importnace to you even when i offer you to have a you day. It puts a happy smile on my face and happy tears come to me. I know this will never be anything like before ever, your to amazing for that. Thank you for everything. Thank you

Damn It....

I hope no one reads this. Who ever you are, please dont read it.

Somewhat wondering, what ifs kicking my ass, and slightly sad, depressed kinda, i dont really know.
For one, i feel like im suffocating Deric. He stayed up like all night just to play video games because he hasnt played them in forever because he hasnt had a him time in a looong time....and thats because of me. I feel really bad about this, like really bad...I get clingy i guess, and i love spending time with him. Then i guess i dont realize that i dont let him have any time to himself cause im always near him. I know i should give him space....but i want to spend time with him...and a lot of the times....i need to spend time with him because it helps calm me down and helps me to be happy. But....i dont know, im confusing myself....
The somehwat wondering and what ifs have nothing to do with that and neither does the emotions. Being at my house lately is making me unhappy, and that makes me sad. slightly depressed has to do with life right now and how school is somewhat kicking my butt and thats really hard on me because i had such high hopes and dreams that im not sure are possible anymore. That, and my hopes getting crushed hasnt happened in a long time (i have a great boyfriend who doesnt cruch my hopes.), this thing is about my future career, and it may not happen. I...I'm scared.....admitting this is making me cry.....im nervous. sigh. Ill talk to Deric about it tomorrow. I need a good relaxer, i need something. Maybe ill try that soon, just for the heck of it, that and im determined to get my freakin tattoo soon!!!

It's A Secret

So, life at the moment hasn't exactly been going as planned. I have started getting really worried and stressed about the future because my dream job just doesn't look possible, like, at all. And it's stating to freak me out, make me worried, anxious, nervous, sad, slightly depressed, and just a lot of confused emotions. Even my dreams are reflecting this. Had a weird dream last night that i was drinking a lot of wine and whiskey but it wasn't affecting me at all but i still drank it, i could even smell it in my dream which is weird cause i have never smelled anything in my dream before. I looked up on line what the stuff meant cause i was curious, drinking like that in a dream can mean your feeling insecure, worried, etc. Makes sense. I just really want this to all sort itself out, and yesterday kinda gave me that grace of possibilities. My mom told me that Victoria's Secret was now hiring for seasonal work. I JUST turned 18, so i can work there now, it all just seemed extremely coincidental and like it was meant to be like that. So i turned in my kinda application, was told ill get scheduled for an interview in the upcoming week or so, and I'm hoping, praying, and getting slightly happier that life may be taking a turn for the better. I'm probably hoping too much and my dreams could possibly get smashed into a million pieces, but i am hoping that the world is looking on me in a good way and i get the job, my sorta dream job. I'm hoping. If i get it, ill say that life is going to work itself out, ill be able to trust that. If not, i don't really know.