Rocky Road

I don't even know what to put here right now. I feel like there is so much to say and yet so little. I mean, lately I've been feeling like a crazy person. I've been feeling insane to the point that i almost feel like i need some serious help. I'm not me right now. My emotions are going hay wire. I can't control them well at all anymore. Anxiety has been plaguing me. I will be fine and all of a sudden my stomach feels like it dropped and i feel sick. It can happen so fast and for no reason. Little things bother me WAY more than they should. Deric and I....well....we are arguing and bickering and i keep getting angry and upset and he keeps getting angry at me and frustrated. And the worst part of it all...it is all my fault. I am just messed up right now. I'm overreacting to like everything. I feel like if it weren't for me we wouldn't be like this with each other. Deric thinks it's because of his smoking, some arguments yeah, but that doesn't account for all of them. I realize that in your eyes I am some amazing person that is worth being with through the ugly spouts like this one....but in my eyes I am just one fucked up individual who doesn't feel like anyone should take the time to heal her wounds and scars and problems in general. I'm hurting so much right now knowing that I'm like this and I'm putting that much more stress on you. I wish i could fix myself. I wish we could just be us again. I love you dearly and no matter what I always will. I want you in my life for as long as i can have you on this Earth. I just, I think we need to spend time together right now. I mean as much time as possible. Maybe to the point that it makes you sick of seeing me. We need to figure out us and how to make us, well, us again. I'm sorry I'm messing it up. But i think we need to just cuddle with each other and tell each other loving beautiful things. I just want you right now and i need you to want me. We need to figure this out together.

I've texted you way too many times, probably sound like a crazy person, and most likely fucked everything up. Go me. Fucking up my relationship one bad night at a time...

You Suck

Thank you for leaving on a bad note. You hate when i do it it and i hate that you did it. Now i can't sleep and i feel sick. You wont text me back and i know you aren't sleep yet cause you texted me 20 minutes ago and you don't fall asleep that fast. So you are ignoring me. Never said i didn't trust you in my messages. Just said i wasn't keen on the idea of you staying over there. But honest to god, I'm gonna say fuck you cause i really needed for you to talk to me. Now I won't sleep cause I'm frustrated and annoyed and worried. Thanks for that...great thing to do to a person. I know your frustrated too but you can talk to me you know.

I can act so crazy, i can get upset over stupid little things or big things depending, I can get frustrated with you and just be pissed beyond belief, i can get a little insane since I'm being honest. I can snap for no reason and burst because of who knows what. And even so you still love me. Me. Me that just described herself as a total nut case. That me. You treat me so kindly when things like that happen.

Whaaatttt??? I'll get a new years kiss from Deric this year on new years??? I'm excited for that :)))))))

Why Am I So Torn??

Why is it so damn hard for me to trust people sometimes!?!?!? The only thing i can think of is that because Deric lied to me about it before i feel like he will again. But he said he wouldn't. He told me that he would tell me things from now on, that he would talk to me about things and would communicate with me. So far i think he has, he's been telling me things when something is wrong or if something happened or if he did something. He's been telling me, I hope. I'm so torn on the subject. Sometimes I'm perfectly ok with the whole smoking thing then the next i hate everything about it and its a terrible terrible thing. I just need to know that our deal won't be broken. I NEED to know that and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that it will not be because it has before. I know i should believe you when you tell me you won't. I do trust you, I do I do I do. I guess I'm just frustrated. Honestly, please just look me in the eyes and tell me that you won't lie to me and that when you tell me that you won't smoke at the bar when you get trashed that you really won't. Tell me that you love me. I trust you with my life, You are the one person i trust the most in my life. I tell you everything, you are the only person who knows EVERYTHING about me, all the messed up things that are me. You are my best friend. You told me earlier that i was yours and that makes me happy. Gah, I love you so much and this who'll subject has me torn. Just know I love you more than anything.

Let The Emotions Flow

Internally i feel angry a lot. I've always been that way. I hold my anger in and I've been trying to get better with that kinda thing and let my emotions out but that doesn't always work. I think that's why i like to work out as much as i can right now because I've been really angry lately and working out exhausts me and makes me feel really good about myself and makes it kinda go away. I want to move out really bad, because my house has my sister who is a total bitch and i don't want to deal with her, plus my moms kinda crazy so that to. I want to be able to go home, relax, have a drink possibly, chill with my cat that i will have, and go to bed and cuddle with Deric all night long every single night. I also need to let go of a few things and that will make me a LOT happier once i do. But i think that once me and Deric get our own place I will be very happy because I won't have to deal with how my family is as I've stated above, and Deric won't have to deal with the crap that goes on with Jim and his mother cause honestly i get pissed of being over there because of how they treat him. He does not deserve what he gets from them. He is such a hard worker and does the best he can and they act as though he does absolutely nothing. If they keep it up i swear i will let them know what I'm thinking. I really don't care about Jim or how he feels about me and he doesn't scare me so i don't care what i say to him. But this adds a lot of anger inside me as well. I'm working on it for sure tough to be not as angry and be happier.

F**K YOU

Now for a post for me to vent. All i want to say are very mean things to this individual. Like fuck you stupid bitch. I feel like people who wear girly things and lots of makeup think they are so much better than the people that don't. Excuse me for not wearing makeup and wearing sweats and pjs and baggy things because i don't need to look overdone to feel good about myself. I don't wear lots of skirts and tights and eyeliner and lipstick and crap like that. I wear me. I put some cover up on here and there when i need it. I wear skirts when i have the time. Aka on my days off if it isn't blistering cold out. Oh, yeah when it's cold out and you wear skirts like you are, you look like your trying too hard. NO ONE WEARS SHORTS AND CRAP IN THE WINTER. Also, you are so fucking immature and you think you aren't! Just cause you finally started to date someone older than you and have to make big girl decisions does not mean you are super mature now. Look at the crap you do! You are far more immature than i am. Get off your high horse. You are not better than someone because you try to much to look good and because you think you are amazing cause you are far from it. Never again will i speak to you or any crap like that. GOODBYE

Proud To Call You Mine

I'm so very proud of you. I'm not really good at complimenting or speaking exactly how i feel about things. So I'll try on here and hope that i can get my point across.

I am very very proud of you. Like how you are with me and my schooling. I am proud that you are stepping up and taking charge of your life. I am happy that you quit Scrib's and got a much better job. You are now getting hired into that job and will be making better money and have vacation time etc. You are ready to finally move out of your house and get a place of your own with me. You pay your bills and you work for what you want. You work VERY VERY hard for what you want. You always have. There have been so many times that you've been thrown under the bus and haven't caught a break and i am so proud of you for sticking with things when that kind of stuff happened even when you never deserved any of it. You are a hard working and determined individual and i am very proud of you and the fact that you are my boyfriend. I have someone i can rely on always.

As for what i was trying to say earlier. I realized while driving my car that no matter what you do i will always love you. Even if you smoke and stupid things that make me really angry and upset. Even when i get so frustrated with you i will still love you. All i want is to be with you. I want you in my life for as long as i can have you. I'm sorry that i sometimes get insecure and don't understand that even if you were to go out and see hot chicks at a bar or something you would only want me and you wouldn't think of them. I just sometimes think that there are people out there much better than i am, much prettier, much smarter, you know things like that. I know it's true, but what i need to realize is that you are with me and you love me just as i am and those people that are better than me in my eyes are so far below me in yours. I love you dearly and i am so happy i have you in my life. I don't know what i would do without you.

Hrm

So....life is changing and I'm nervous for it. With full time i will see Deric like never and with full time and school....yeah.........

My Love

I do want to say something. I am happy that we both have the same idea as to where we want us to go. We are both excited to move in together in OUR own place. I feel like i am really ready for that. I mean, i kinda have been for a while. I feel like at first you weren't. I'm not sure what changed your mind, but I am glad you want to live with me. We will have a nice little home with nice things and we will be happy and have a cat. Haha, i really want a cat. Or an animal in general because being on my own for the first time and us tending to have opposite schedules I'll probably not want to be completely alone and with an animal I will feel better. But i am happy and excited and i hope you are to because i love you more than anything in the world. I just want to cuddle you and kiss you and so much more all the time. You are so amazing

Me Right Now

I decided to start recording the words that people use to describe me. I'm writing them down in my other journal. I only have a few so far though, things that were recently said to me. I decided not to write down the negative things i have been called because well, i think those are just from angry people and i know none of them are true. I just thought it would be interesting to see how people perceive me.

I talked to Alyssa about Lynette. Just because it's almost obvious when she talks about me. she won't even stand by me if she doesn't have to anymore and she doesn't really talk with me anymore either. I'm sorry i was the most qualified for the full time job, i mean, only one person was gonna get it. Later on you never know and you might be qualified for another position, but you weren't for this one. I want the desk to be a good place to work and someone needs to talk to Lynette so Alyssa is gonna tell Felisha about it.

I got my new tattoo. I like it. Has a lot of meaning to me.

It's now December, and what typically happens this month is happening. Gonna try and make it better this time.

I am SO glad that school is gonna be done for a month after tuesday. I am so ready for a break.