Oh The Issues I Have....

I messed up today. I know. I fucked up. And the fact that you didn't yell at me, or say anything to me that was negative, amazed me. Cause i think you should have been angry at me...that's what the rational side of me thinks. Why weren't you mad at me? I am sorry though, for what i did. I have a problem. A trust issue. And you do things that i can't understand and that makes me wonder and that curiosity turns ugly. It turns rude and into thing i know i shouldn't do. That's what happened today. And i am so sorry. I am just afraid that i couldn't trust again if you lied to me and that scares me because i love you so much. But...I know you wouldn't do that.....yet i am still scared. I have a problem, I know, yet you still love me, and you still deal with me, you still cuddle with me, and you still talk to me. I'm in awe really. And i promise i won't do that again. I promise. I'm sorry, i feel bad and i know i hurt you. I saw it in your eyes. I am sorry i sometimes don't trust like i should. When you have given me no reason not to trust you it seems stupid to not trust. Its stupid....but i still do it. I don't understand it other than i have a problem and you get the blunt of it sometimes. I feel horrible for that because it hurt you. It did. Yet you seem ok. If i hurt you please tell me, i need to know, if you have any negative emotion towards me because i was stupid today please tell me. I need to fix things when i fuck up. Please don't lose your trust in me over me having trust issues. Please talk to me if you have any thoughts...please. I'm so sorry...you have no idea how sorry i am.

Snow Makes Idiots

Hrrm...been an interesting week. The other day i was really really pissed off, upset, and frustrated. I went to school early to get help from my chemistry professor, who was supposed to be in his office, which he wasn't. He had left 20 minutes earlier and got back a few minutes after i left. I was frustrated and pissed because i turned in a half completed worksheet...which i NEVER EVER do. I finish EVERYTHING ALWAYS. So needless to say i was irked. Then people on the road annoyed me because here in Michigan it is finally snowing again and people have seemed to forget how to drive in it. Everyone either went too fast or ungodly slow. Then i had tried to call Deric for like an hour and he never called or answered so on my way to work i was just over everything, really just done. (I know why he didn't answer now and I'm not annoyed or anything anymore) But i got to work and was on self checkout all night...seriously? That didn't make me any happier. BUT, i did learn from Adam that i got the service desk job! Only downside is i wont get a raise till next year....which sucks balls but it should be a really good raise then. So that made my night a little better. I think it was the same night that Lilly threw Deric's laptop on the ground. Lets just say that it was not a good day/days. Things are better now for sure. Though I've become a little weirded out by what happened this weekend. Kat and Franny both turned 19 last week. That weekend both lost something. If you know what i mean. But i was thrown off by that. If it wasn't the same weekend maybe i wouldn't be but i am. I can't comprehend that my friends are now joining a totally new part of the world. It's just odd to me. Today so far has been goodish. School went fine, i got a lot of homework done, and me and Deric had a nice time. Lets hope tomorrow goes well to.

Oh Yes. Haha

And suddenly...I could care less. I thought i would care when it happened, but now that i see for myself...nah...I don't care. And I am so happy about it. Sighs of relief, this new year is going pretty well so far. My classes have a lot of stuff involved with them but i think I'm understanding everything so far....i hope. I won't be seeing Deric till Sunday when i sleepover, which will kinda suck but once Sunday comes around it's going to be a good, long, day. I hope we have a nice night together. I miss falling asleep with him.

Ummm...No Please

That moment when your insecurity is everywhere. Pops into your head when you know it shouldn't because it's a really stupid reason. Realizing that maybe my problems more than i thought it was cause what i thought earlier was ridiculous. Seriously stupid....but i thought it. Hrm...talk time maybe?

Also....you wanted a reason as to why I worry about it, whats the big deal. I found my reason, one that i'm not sure you'll fully understand, but it makes sense to me. It's odd, but it will give you that reason that you need.

School Starts Again

Been a little while since i last posted, sorry, I've been busy with work and school. My first week back went well. My classes aren't terrible...yet...but there is a LOT of outside time i have to go see shows and stuff for them. My Humanities class needs me to see a show, a symphony, and go to like an art museum; my Theatre Appreciation class needs me to see the colleges play, then another play, and then anything else she wants us to do like the play or something we have to see and write a paper on by the end of the month, then my Political Science class needs me to go to at least 5 political events and two are due by Valentine's day. Needless to say its gonna be a bitch. And I'm gonna spend a lot of money doing this stuff. Though....with the plays i can use them for both Theatre and Humanities so that works. PLUS Eric made a deal with me so i could go and see the play for this month free, as long as i push go for one of the nights. Yay knowing people. I have lots of papers to do and lots of reading to do so its gonna be an intense semester. Chemistry is apparently SUPER hard which freaks me out a bit cause i hope to not fail the class. Life other than that hasn't been too terrible. But i need to start some of my stuff because this computer is distracting me a lot. So until next time.

Really?

I want cute, gentle, loving, kind words, the works. Romance baby, every once in awhile a girl needs it. Needs to hear how loved they are, needs to feel it. I need that right now.

Another note, so far this book problem has been averted, lets see if MCC cooperates with me..probably not but hell ill give them a bitch fit if they don't. I want to save as much money as i can when it comes to college. Alexis is letting me borrow her book for the semester, aka FREE. I need to return my book to the bookstore that i bought for $350 freakin dollars, i know they will give me a fit about it but i don't care. I;m not happy with this right now. Thank god i made a few friends at the college and they help me out with this crap.

People Are Generic, A Small Rant Post

So, i feel like everyone has tattoos nowadays and lots of them are really generic cliche and have no meaning behind them. People just get them to get them. That stupid infinity sign is like everywhere and it bugs me. Don't people realize that there is like thousands of other people with the same thing? There's nothing unique or cool about that. Ok maybe people will think my piece sign is generic but if you know me then you know that that is ME. It isn't finished yet, it still needs color, which will eventually happen but it symbolizes me. Idk, the way people get tattoo's now bugs me a little.

Hello 2013

He just tucked me into bed, kissed me, said goodnight. I think it's cute when he tucks me in, i feel like a little kid, but in a good way. Plus...i don't really have memories of being tucked into bed like this when i was a kid...maybe my parents did but i don't remember it really..but when Deric does it i feel special and cherished.   I'm a happy and very lucky girl.