Short But Sweet

"We love each other and we're happy...that's all that really matters."
                      Quoting Deric, might not be the exact fraze...but you get the point. <3

Sometimes I Wonder

Lately i haven't really been feeling like myself and i don't know why. A lot of worries that i used to have are coming back slowly....like how i look, a certain body image thing, the future, what he thinks of me, etc. And all of this is making me feel quite down, uninterested in things i most definitely should be interested in, and almost a little angry. Kinda like how my project i have been working on for awhile now to give to Deric for our one year, i was supper excited to give it to him...now I'm actually starting to freak out about it cause I'm wondering if t is a little much and I'm wondering if hell even like it. Also, all my past hurts, aches, and pains from my previous relationship are starting to again hit me. I was getting over them pretty well and now suddenly its like my walls just failed me. And my brain is starting to over exaggerate things. Like what it does for little arguments, its doing it with my relationship now. And this one thought is starting to haunt me again, "You're going to be the one to mess it up, you are going to be the one who destroys this great thing that you have." The only reason this thought is even there is because with my ex i thought it....and the way he said things, i WAS the one who was messing everything up. But i obviously know now that he was an ass and that is sooooooooo far from the truth. But still, it haunts me. I hate when i get like this and all i really want to do is cuddle with Deric and just tell him everything that I'm feeling, but i think I'm going to get embarrassed if i do because its rather stupid and hell think I'm a lunatic and possibly emotionally unstable which i don't want. Mainly for the fact that his ex was, and i don't ever want to be compared to her, ever. Shes the one person in life i can honestly say i hate because of the hurt she caused Deric. My rant could go on, but ill end it with the fact that i don't know what to do really. Sigh

The Power Of Words

Words are what tore me apart, and it's words that are bringing my broken mind back together. Thank you. You have no idea how much it means to me and how nice it is to know that you feel that way and think that way. Not in the way i previously knew that hurt me so much, but in a new way that is still slightly unfamiliar to me because of the mass amount of kindness that comes out of it. Thank you for being who you are. I love you, more than i could ever put into words or express.
Thank you.

Too Much?

I was just kinda thinkin...I hope that i haven't freaked Deric out or anything with some of these posts. I mean, they are kinda my exact thoughts and feelings written out onto this blog....and some are a little, idk, quick i guess. I mean, if i were to say some of these things to people they would laugh in my face and say good luck just because of my age. Why do I know this? Because it happened. My mom had asked me a question, i answered, her long time friend came over and for some reason my mom told her. She laughed at me and said that wont happen. Yeah...made me feel nice and embarrassed. But like, for Deric to know EXACTLY what I'm feeling about him and what i want for the future....i hope i haven't scared him off a bit. Cause i know some guys hear something like that and run for the hills because it means they are going to be tied down and stuck with that girl for forever. But then again....having him know what i feeling is a good thing to. No secrets and all. I like it because i get to be myself and have these thoughts and he gets to really know ME. But then again..have i said too much?

Frustrating!!

This is rather frustrating. I keep telling myself that at some point in life I'm going to have to live with these memories and I'm going to have to accept them for what they are and get over them. Its the part of letting them into the open hats freaking me out. Every time i try and am like OK i can do this, just let them threw and once they run their course they wont be as scary and hurt so much and they will be almost gone...but then every time i go to let them run their course, i freak out and keep them in the vault that they are in. I'm not really sure if ill ever be able to live with them if they aren't inside the vault. So as i said, rather frustrating.

Hair and Questions

So i feel bad about the talk about Deric's hair that we had last night. He wants to get a basically buzz cut, which will help him with work so he wont be insanely hot...but i know that in the beginning of the new cut if he gets it, i wont like it. I know that for a fact...I'm not a big fan of short short hair like that. Both of the Tyler's have gotten buzz cuts and W's I'm ok with now but I'm still iffy on Karum's. But I'm getting over the fact that their hair is suuuuuper short. I mean, i know what i like and what i don't. I don't like hair that short, but it isn't something that i cant get over. If it has to be that way then it does. Id rather Deric be cool at work then pass out and die or hurt himself. Id much rather have short hair then that. During our conversation though he made the comment of "I'm just not sure if your still going to be able to love me if i get my hair this short". Now Deric, i know your going to read this at some point...Ive learned that you will. Don't question whether or not ill be able to love you still again. I will ALWAYS love you no matter what your hair looks like or whatever happens in life. That is not something you need to ever question. I may not like something or may not totally agree with something...but i will always love you so please don't ever question that again. Now you cn go and do whatever you need to do with your hair, ill be fine with it in the end. Deric, I love you no matter what.

This Is Quite Strange, For Me Atleast,

So, this will be a little hard to explain, but ill do my best. Lately for me i have been feeling everything, like emotionally feeling everything in my heart. Most would not understand this, but for most of my life i have put many many walls up around my heart(If this makes ANY sense at all) and to really really feel anything it was and has been kinda difficult. This would be for the fact that breaking the walls down was and has been rather hard because every time i had started to something brought them roaring back. So the walls kept growing. But now, i think the walls have finally been broken or they are at least very thin. So as of late i have been feeling everything. Its a good thing but its kinda weird to. All the little things make my heart happy and Ive been getting butterflies a lot. :) This is very new for me but it is very nice. My walls only come down when i know I'm not going to be hurt. They come down only for those who i trust with everything Ive got. It's a good feeling.

The Future....It Seemed Like Paradise A Day Ago

Well, my paradise a day ago has kinda been flipped upside down. I can tell you about what my paradise was because i still want this paradise. I honestly want to get this out some place and be rather blunt with it because when ever it is said i get laughed at. Which is probably due to my age, but I'm almost 18, I'm graduating in a year, and I'm soon to be in the real world...which until recently is starting to kinda scare me. So on to my paradise that was slightly altered. Well, I'm going to be embarrassed if Deric ever reads this but i need to get this out.
Paradise:
Well, some of the conversations that me and Deric have been having lately have made me really happy. I have actually found someone who wants what i want. They aren't afraid to talk about what the future can hold and what they want. I want to be with Deric as long as i can be, forever preferably. True love is what i have found...and i don't have to kiss 22 guys to know that for sure. Deric, I love you. I don't even know how to put it into words. The way you treat me is amazing. When you call just to say I love you, you make me feel like the luckiest girl n the world. In the future, i cant believe I'm saying this on here, but like i would love to marry you. Please don't judge....i really do love you. Also, to have a family with you would be amazing. It really would. We'd have cute kids. From what we have talked about and what you say...you seem to want the same thing, and this makes me happy. You aren't afraid to talk about the future and what you want, and you don't get upset when i talk about it. Also...I hope to god that you don't ever leave me. As cliche as it sounds, if we were ever to get married..please don't divorce me. It honestly scares me. Even if it were to be while we are just dating...it would kill me. Something else...i know you would never do this to me..but please don't ever cheat on me. Please oh please. I don't have a very good mentality to ever deal with that. I love you how you are right now, everything about you...and i always will. I don't think i could ever stop loving you. Please don't laugh at what i have just admitted...it took some guts to put this on here.
Now to where paradise got altered. Well...not the thought of it but how my life is going to change a bit:
My dad has made up his mind and the next time that it happens it is going to be a for sure thing. And its starting to scare me. How will we pay for anything? How will i get anywhere? How will my senior year go because of this? How is it going to affect my siblings? I don't want to have to move...but we may have to. Into what i don't know. I don't think my mom makes enough to pay for an apartment and a family. And the thing is...only me and my dad know whats going to go down. So no one knows how their world is going to come crashing down yet. My poor mom...she has no idea. I want to warn her, to tell her what needs to happen or this will. BUT I CANT! you know how frustrating that is?! I also feel responsible about it too. Why the fuck did i have to say those things about how my mother is to my dad? I could have kept it to myself and maybe this wouldn't be happening. I don't really know but what i do know is that this is honestly killing me inside and i need someone. Now this is where my thinking got altered. After this happens, everyone on my dads side with had done this. No one stayed together...so this makes me wonder if when i get married if me and my husband will stay together. A lot of what ifs come into my mind and it sucks. Then i see Deric and in my mind i am pleading desperately that he wont leave me. Then i get afraid of what the future could hold because what is about to happen could happen to me in 20 years and I'm scared. So this is where my paradise gets a little changed.
Life is about to change and i don't know if I'm ready for it.

I Miss You

Ever missed someone so much that it almost seemed to hurt? Well that's how i am feeling right now. I just want Deric to be with me and cuddling with me while we lay in bed. If we could fall asleep together and just be with each other...it would be so nice. <3

Mothers

So today I had some conversations with my mother that i never thought i would have with my mother. lol. But i mean, me and my moms relationship has gotten way better then it once was. I mean, for like all of my freshman and sophomore year it was baaaad. But junior year it got way better. I think you just kinda learn how to make each other happy and what to say to each other. You know, do what she asks and other things and in return get what it is you want. Today made m laugh though, it was quite enjoyable. :)

Good Days

Today was definitely a wonderful day. I mean, yeah i got called off of work...again....but it turned out to be a good day besides the point. Me and Deric got to hang out all day. I woke up and he picked me up and i didn't even have to deal with my mom...no offense to her...but that probably made my day start out better. But we just went to his house and chilled for a bit which was really nice, then we helped his mom a bit with some yard work, then we ate ribs. Afterwards we got his paycheck and cashed it and got gas and ice cream. We also went to the beach in there and the water wasn't half bad. Then we sat and watched America's got talent with his mom. It was a very nice day. The day really made me realize just how much i truly love him. I really really do. And i don't know what i would do if i lost him. I thank him for everything he does. I mean, we had just come from the beach and we were going to get the ice cream from Meiji's and when we go to the parking lot i looked in the mirror because my face kinda hurt and my skin was all gross and blotchy. My skins been kinda unhappy lately so its been doing this. But i really didn't want to go into the store looking like i had some skin disease and i really felt bad abut myself because of it...really self conscious and whatnot...but Deric made me feel better. He always does and when he does i know that what hes saying he really means. And it makes me feel...wonderful inside because i know that even when i think i look ugly/not pretty etc. or i feel like that...he still thinks I'm beautiful. I also kinda learned some more things today and i don't really know why but it hit me hard. Probably because i have so many people around me that do these things and act this way. Me and Deric were talking about how easy some people are. We learned recently that my cousin, sad to say, is EASY. Plus both of my red head friends seem to be as well. Its just poor choices with guys that only want the sex. Deric was talking about that stuff and it made me thankful that he never tried any of that on me. It just goes to show what a wonderful guy he is. I just love him more than i could ever express and i dont ever want to lose him.

Follow Up

Follow up to my second to last post. Deric is not a dick if thats what you are all thinking. Yes he did have me kinda upset the whole day because he never conacted me and i had to fin out through his mom, but he did have a pretty good reason. He had not slept at all the night before so he could get up and be ready to work at Summer Cel, he worked there for 8 hours in the hot sun, then when he got home he ment to call me and what not but he was so exhausted that when he went to stretch his back out on the floor at about 5:30pm, he passed out and didnt wake up until about 6am the next morning. He is still his great self, but he does put a lot of strain on himself which can cause things as such which in the end are no big deal because it was never intended. It was just complete and utter exhaustion that caused it. I still love him very much and i am very glad that this was all it was.

History

I look at you, i look at us, and i look at everything we went through to get to this point. I find it all amazing and a little hard to believe that it is all real. I have a choice in the beginning to go with you or this other guy...i pick the other guy. Why? Well you blame yourself for it because you say you never really acted on it. You told me you liked me and that was it, where as the other guy acted on his word. I guess that's why i picked him. As i look back on it...i really wish it was the other way around so that all the crap that happened wouldn't have. But then again, we wouldn't have ended up like this, who knows. So i go over a year and a half with this guy. BIGGEST mistake ever. It should have ended at like way less then that. I went through hell, as did you. You were hurt every day because you had to see me with the other guy. But you were amazing. You became my best friend and gave me advice and were always there for me and helped me through everything. Then you got a girlfriend...may i say that that was hell as well. WORST girlfriend in the world. She was crazy, psycho, bipolar...everything insane in one package. I could tell it frustrated you....and then you dumped her. Now that was bad. She ruined you life. She slapped you, started rumors about you, wouldn't leave you alone. The list goes on. But then we hung out all summer long, and this was as i was realising that my boyfriend at the time wasn't so good anymore. You always were willing to hang out with me and do anything with me. You were always amazing. It took me till basically the end of summer to realize that i liked you more than i could handle and i barely liked my boyfriend then. Then the day i got back from fiddle camp changed it all. I talked to my boyfriend because i hadn't talked to him in three days...what did he have to say? Basically nothing, he barely even cared. I was done. You went to registration with me for school, then we went back to your house. At your house is what made it clear that i no longer wanted to be with my boyfriend. He barely cared about me anymore and he was never nice or caring...he was an ass. So i ended it and we ended up where we are now. Happy and together as it should have been. It still amazes me to this day though. It still does. I love you Deric. ^-^