Rocky Road

I don't even know what to put here right now. I feel like there is so much to say and yet so little. I mean, lately I've been feeling like a crazy person. I've been feeling insane to the point that i almost feel like i need some serious help. I'm not me right now. My emotions are going hay wire. I can't control them well at all anymore. Anxiety has been plaguing me. I will be fine and all of a sudden my stomach feels like it dropped and i feel sick. It can happen so fast and for no reason. Little things bother me WAY more than they should. Deric and I....well....we are arguing and bickering and i keep getting angry and upset and he keeps getting angry at me and frustrated. And the worst part of it all...it is all my fault. I am just messed up right now. I'm overreacting to like everything. I feel like if it weren't for me we wouldn't be like this with each other. Deric thinks it's because of his smoking, some arguments yeah, but that doesn't account for all of them. I realize that in your eyes I am some amazing person that is worth being with through the ugly spouts like this one....but in my eyes I am just one fucked up individual who doesn't feel like anyone should take the time to heal her wounds and scars and problems in general. I'm hurting so much right now knowing that I'm like this and I'm putting that much more stress on you. I wish i could fix myself. I wish we could just be us again. I love you dearly and no matter what I always will. I want you in my life for as long as i can have you on this Earth. I just, I think we need to spend time together right now. I mean as much time as possible. Maybe to the point that it makes you sick of seeing me. We need to figure out us and how to make us, well, us again. I'm sorry I'm messing it up. But i think we need to just cuddle with each other and tell each other loving beautiful things. I just want you right now and i need you to want me. We need to figure this out together.

I've texted you way too many times, probably sound like a crazy person, and most likely fucked everything up. Go me. Fucking up my relationship one bad night at a time...

You Suck

Thank you for leaving on a bad note. You hate when i do it it and i hate that you did it. Now i can't sleep and i feel sick. You wont text me back and i know you aren't sleep yet cause you texted me 20 minutes ago and you don't fall asleep that fast. So you are ignoring me. Never said i didn't trust you in my messages. Just said i wasn't keen on the idea of you staying over there. But honest to god, I'm gonna say fuck you cause i really needed for you to talk to me. Now I won't sleep cause I'm frustrated and annoyed and worried. Thanks for that...great thing to do to a person. I know your frustrated too but you can talk to me you know.

I can act so crazy, i can get upset over stupid little things or big things depending, I can get frustrated with you and just be pissed beyond belief, i can get a little insane since I'm being honest. I can snap for no reason and burst because of who knows what. And even so you still love me. Me. Me that just described herself as a total nut case. That me. You treat me so kindly when things like that happen.

Whaaatttt??? I'll get a new years kiss from Deric this year on new years??? I'm excited for that :)))))))

Why Am I So Torn??

Why is it so damn hard for me to trust people sometimes!?!?!? The only thing i can think of is that because Deric lied to me about it before i feel like he will again. But he said he wouldn't. He told me that he would tell me things from now on, that he would talk to me about things and would communicate with me. So far i think he has, he's been telling me things when something is wrong or if something happened or if he did something. He's been telling me, I hope. I'm so torn on the subject. Sometimes I'm perfectly ok with the whole smoking thing then the next i hate everything about it and its a terrible terrible thing. I just need to know that our deal won't be broken. I NEED to know that and sometimes it's hard for me to believe that it will not be because it has before. I know i should believe you when you tell me you won't. I do trust you, I do I do I do. I guess I'm just frustrated. Honestly, please just look me in the eyes and tell me that you won't lie to me and that when you tell me that you won't smoke at the bar when you get trashed that you really won't. Tell me that you love me. I trust you with my life, You are the one person i trust the most in my life. I tell you everything, you are the only person who knows EVERYTHING about me, all the messed up things that are me. You are my best friend. You told me earlier that i was yours and that makes me happy. Gah, I love you so much and this who'll subject has me torn. Just know I love you more than anything.

Let The Emotions Flow

Internally i feel angry a lot. I've always been that way. I hold my anger in and I've been trying to get better with that kinda thing and let my emotions out but that doesn't always work. I think that's why i like to work out as much as i can right now because I've been really angry lately and working out exhausts me and makes me feel really good about myself and makes it kinda go away. I want to move out really bad, because my house has my sister who is a total bitch and i don't want to deal with her, plus my moms kinda crazy so that to. I want to be able to go home, relax, have a drink possibly, chill with my cat that i will have, and go to bed and cuddle with Deric all night long every single night. I also need to let go of a few things and that will make me a LOT happier once i do. But i think that once me and Deric get our own place I will be very happy because I won't have to deal with how my family is as I've stated above, and Deric won't have to deal with the crap that goes on with Jim and his mother cause honestly i get pissed of being over there because of how they treat him. He does not deserve what he gets from them. He is such a hard worker and does the best he can and they act as though he does absolutely nothing. If they keep it up i swear i will let them know what I'm thinking. I really don't care about Jim or how he feels about me and he doesn't scare me so i don't care what i say to him. But this adds a lot of anger inside me as well. I'm working on it for sure tough to be not as angry and be happier.

F**K YOU

Now for a post for me to vent. All i want to say are very mean things to this individual. Like fuck you stupid bitch. I feel like people who wear girly things and lots of makeup think they are so much better than the people that don't. Excuse me for not wearing makeup and wearing sweats and pjs and baggy things because i don't need to look overdone to feel good about myself. I don't wear lots of skirts and tights and eyeliner and lipstick and crap like that. I wear me. I put some cover up on here and there when i need it. I wear skirts when i have the time. Aka on my days off if it isn't blistering cold out. Oh, yeah when it's cold out and you wear skirts like you are, you look like your trying too hard. NO ONE WEARS SHORTS AND CRAP IN THE WINTER. Also, you are so fucking immature and you think you aren't! Just cause you finally started to date someone older than you and have to make big girl decisions does not mean you are super mature now. Look at the crap you do! You are far more immature than i am. Get off your high horse. You are not better than someone because you try to much to look good and because you think you are amazing cause you are far from it. Never again will i speak to you or any crap like that. GOODBYE

Proud To Call You Mine

I'm so very proud of you. I'm not really good at complimenting or speaking exactly how i feel about things. So I'll try on here and hope that i can get my point across.

I am very very proud of you. Like how you are with me and my schooling. I am proud that you are stepping up and taking charge of your life. I am happy that you quit Scrib's and got a much better job. You are now getting hired into that job and will be making better money and have vacation time etc. You are ready to finally move out of your house and get a place of your own with me. You pay your bills and you work for what you want. You work VERY VERY hard for what you want. You always have. There have been so many times that you've been thrown under the bus and haven't caught a break and i am so proud of you for sticking with things when that kind of stuff happened even when you never deserved any of it. You are a hard working and determined individual and i am very proud of you and the fact that you are my boyfriend. I have someone i can rely on always.

As for what i was trying to say earlier. I realized while driving my car that no matter what you do i will always love you. Even if you smoke and stupid things that make me really angry and upset. Even when i get so frustrated with you i will still love you. All i want is to be with you. I want you in my life for as long as i can have you. I'm sorry that i sometimes get insecure and don't understand that even if you were to go out and see hot chicks at a bar or something you would only want me and you wouldn't think of them. I just sometimes think that there are people out there much better than i am, much prettier, much smarter, you know things like that. I know it's true, but what i need to realize is that you are with me and you love me just as i am and those people that are better than me in my eyes are so far below me in yours. I love you dearly and i am so happy i have you in my life. I don't know what i would do without you.

Hrm

So....life is changing and I'm nervous for it. With full time i will see Deric like never and with full time and school....yeah.........

My Love

I do want to say something. I am happy that we both have the same idea as to where we want us to go. We are both excited to move in together in OUR own place. I feel like i am really ready for that. I mean, i kinda have been for a while. I feel like at first you weren't. I'm not sure what changed your mind, but I am glad you want to live with me. We will have a nice little home with nice things and we will be happy and have a cat. Haha, i really want a cat. Or an animal in general because being on my own for the first time and us tending to have opposite schedules I'll probably not want to be completely alone and with an animal I will feel better. But i am happy and excited and i hope you are to because i love you more than anything in the world. I just want to cuddle you and kiss you and so much more all the time. You are so amazing

Me Right Now

I decided to start recording the words that people use to describe me. I'm writing them down in my other journal. I only have a few so far though, things that were recently said to me. I decided not to write down the negative things i have been called because well, i think those are just from angry people and i know none of them are true. I just thought it would be interesting to see how people perceive me.

I talked to Alyssa about Lynette. Just because it's almost obvious when she talks about me. she won't even stand by me if she doesn't have to anymore and she doesn't really talk with me anymore either. I'm sorry i was the most qualified for the full time job, i mean, only one person was gonna get it. Later on you never know and you might be qualified for another position, but you weren't for this one. I want the desk to be a good place to work and someone needs to talk to Lynette so Alyssa is gonna tell Felisha about it.

I got my new tattoo. I like it. Has a lot of meaning to me.

It's now December, and what typically happens this month is happening. Gonna try and make it better this time.

I am SO glad that school is gonna be done for a month after tuesday. I am so ready for a break.

What A Week

So since i can talk about it now...I GOT THE FULL TIME POSITION!!!! I am now full time at the desk and i start December 9th. My finals week too....sucky but i am excited and nervous cause I've never really done a 40 hour week before and in a month and some odd weeks I'll be doing it with full time school as well! That will be a fun four months. But, this means that my life can go in a direction that i want it to. Aka, me and Deric can get a place of our own. Once he gets hired in is when we will really look into it but it can happen now! We know we can handle the bills and still be ok and have a place of our own and be happy. We can sleep with each other every night which i am very happy about, I love falling asleep with him. I have ideas to for wherever we go and i will definitely have fun with it.

I'm interested to see how everyone else at the desk reacts to me getting the full time. Val i know was REALLY upset when they told her she didn't get it and cried even. Apparently Lynette was kinda a bit pissy about it too when she didn't even really want the position and she said she would be happy if i got it....apparently not. I have worked with Val since and at the time i didn't "officially" know i got it but she thought i did and she was happy for me, she acted like how you are supposed to act. We worked together really well actually. Lynette has not worked with me since though so i am mildly curious to see how that goes...

I have the greatest boyfriend in the world. I mean, the way i am treated sometimes blows my mind. Like when i know i should get yelled at but instead i only get kind words. Like how we can talk about anything no matter how serious and make solutions and move on and make everything ok. Like how i get soft forehead kisses and cute texts and loving words that always make me feel good and happy. Sometimes i can't wrap my brain around how wonderful you are to me because i know i don't always deserve it. I'm not always a wonderful person but you still treat me like one. I'm glad we can talk about things, I still feel bad because i feel the way i do about the one thing, but being able to come up with solutions and ideas and just knowing you aren't angry at me for being upset is nice. You listen to me when i talk to you and you listen to me when i am upset about something and you always take note of what i say and try to make things better and that means the world to me.

My school semester is almost over. Thank god for that. I think i will end with a passing grade in physics. Which is a great thing because on all of my tests i haven't done THAT bad and we get points back so i do decent each time. I hope for a C+ even maybe a low B which will still help with my GPA so it wont go under a 3.5 so I'll still be awesome. But next semester i think will be fun. I have physics again...yeah i know....and i also have philosophy, spanish, and dance. My dance class is a ballet class and i think it's going to be really fun.

Overall right now i can say that i am happy. The other day i was feeling rather depressed and i wasn't sure why because everything was going quit well. I just kept seeing myself negatively. I will admit this. Part was about my boobs. Yes i still struggle with that. But then i am reassured that they are perfect just the way they are and you do that for me. I still wish, but i know that won't happen but right now i am happy. They are what they are and they are wonderful.

On a side note...so much drama on social networking sites. People act like middle schoolers on these things. And these are people who are so determined that they are so mature and everyone else acts immature. Yet they have to have someone actually yell at them to start acting like an adult because they are being dumb. Geez people.

Winter is coming to Michigan. I hope we get big pretty snow. I love sitting outside at night and watching it fall because it is so peaceful. I may not appreciate the cold but it still holds a unique beauty to it that i love.

You Are Too Good To Me...

I know i upset you, and you still act kinda, loving, and concerned. I'm sorry i get upset over stupid things. I'm sorry i upset you. Right now I am having a bad moment. I'm feeling many negative things about myself even though everything is going well right now. I don't know if I'm tired or run down but whatever it is it's not very nice. I do love you more than anything and the life we share is a very good one. We have ups and downs but i always know you are there for me and that is a nice feeling to have.

...Now I've pissed you off....

I Never Do Anything Wrong

I don't even know what I'm feeling right now. I know that I really miss Deric. Like, i super duper miss him. And i feel bad right now and i feel stupid. I feel like that because i have been annoyed with his smoking, i haven't said anything to him obviously, but like, I feel like i will repeatedly be fine with it then get super pissed about it. Like the past couple of days, It's been irritating me. One, because i always thought smokers looked stupid in the winter or in bad weather because they were still outside in the freezing cold or in the pouring rain just to smoke. Now Deric is that person....and i don't know what to think. I think it also bothers me for a more selfish reason. When he is at work on his breaks he smokes and hangs out with all the smokers....and forgets to call me or won't call me. Lately I've been calling him cause he hasn't been calling me. I blame it on the smoking. And that makes me annoyed. Like, in my mind if you have time to stand there in the cold and smoke you have time to fricken call me. In my mind the cigarette has started to become the priority on his breaks. Calling me is on the back burner. Or he does call me when he has like 2 minutes left and I'm like oh thanks...glad you could smoke, or we talk for 2 minutes and then he has to go for who knows what reason. It also pisses me off because smoking is an addiction. I was starting to have a problem with drinking and i stopped because he did't like it. I don't go and drink every time i get upset or stressed at work. But I don't like his smoking, but he still gets to, and he HAS to smoke every time he gets stressed. Like what the fuck. I guess i get annoyed to cause i don't do anything bad. I don't do drugs, I don't smoke, i drink on occasion but I don't go to bars or big college parties and what not. You don't get what it's like to have to deal with someone doing bad things because you aren't with someone who does them! I don't want to ask you to stop because I'm not going to be that person but it'll only get worse. You know that's true, unless you do like one a week so you have like one pack for months or quit it won't get better. You don't know how to say NO to someone offering you one. I know if you go to bars with friends ever you'll be smoking then. I swear to god when your brother comes into town and if you smoke in the house with him cause he does smoke too.....I'm not gonna even finish that sentence. I know i said i could deal with it, i know that I have been handling it, but i will be honest. I will never be OK with it, i will hate it until the day you actually really stop smoking and not lie and tell me you did. Here is one thing i hate, that i deal with all the stupid bad things you do and not once have you ever had to compromise something and go against your feelings and values on something because you loved me. I don't do stupid things. I don't have to do drugs because it feels good or whatever. I don't have to smoke because i like the way it feels and I'm addicted to it. I'll be honest. I wish you would quit. But i won't tell you to. That is your own choice.

I wish i could talk about this right now but i can't. I can't tell anyone but like....3 people. lol. Not until i have the "official" ok to do so. I'm excited though. New doors can open and everything in  the world looks a little bit brighter.

My Maybe Job

So i have been nervous about this position and i was starting to really feel like i won't get it. I felt like Val had something over me that would make her get it. I was just making myself ready for being told i did not get it. So i would expect it coming. But i really thought about it. What does Val have that i do not? Felisha said she digs into the reports more...I can do that easily. I can do that. I also kinda made a list in my head. Val can open weekdays, she has an open schedule right now, she has wanted this position since she got there, and as of right now she digs more into the reports. Then there is me, I can close on weekdays and open on weekends as of right now, After this last semester I'll have an open schedule but as of right now i do not, I want this just as bad for different reasons, I don't  dig as much but i can work on that, majority of people want me at the desk more than her because i do not get snappy and flustered like she does and i could handle the job better than she could. I feel like i did horrible in my interview and i have no clue how she did. Adam has a say and i know he wants me to get the position, I have no clue where Felisha stands right now, Lynette who works with me at the desk said she would rather i get the job then Val because Val gets frustrated easily and for seniority reasons, I know that Donna, Cassie, and Katie want me to get it. I know Felisha and Mike are ok with my funky schedule and it'll only be for 4 months then i am all theirs. There are pros and cons to both of us but i am hoping to god i have more pros and everyone decides on me because it would open so many doors for me and i don't even know. I would be so excited and happy and more happy about going to work because I'll be honest, i won't want to be at the desk anymore if i don't get the job, I'll be applying for the full time garden after that. I would feel rejected. I mean, i feel under appreciated as it is most of the time so it would be a smack in the face if i didn't get it. I would feel like no one really cares or sees what i do. Plus i would have to deal with Val and her being super duper happy and blah blah blah...but also i would have to deal with her if she didn't get it which might be worse I'm not too sure. But i feel like i can do better than she can for the desk and for the customers and i just hope i get it. I will probably cry if i don't cause i won't know what to do.

Hope

I love you more than anything. You mean the absolute world to me. I know sometimes things get rough. I know that sometimes i get angry at you for things that you do. But we all do stupid things...some a lot more than others....but no matter what you have me and my heart forever. I love you more each day. I hope i mean just as much to you as you mean to me. Every day i am not with you i miss you so much. I can only hope i get this full time job and we are able to get a place of our own. A place just for us.

Nervous Nelly

I'm really nervous about this job thing. GAH. A full time opened at the desk so I'm going for that but Val wants it too...like REALLY REALLY wants it.....and she has open availability. But everyone wants me. So I'm nervous. I will hopefully know not this upcoming week but the week after. Nervous nelly till then.

I learned i have a weird rib cage the other day. Never realized it before. Oh well. I might not be perfect but i am still wonderful just the way i am

I Don't Know If I Am Happy Or Sad

Last week was an annoying week for me. I was waiting and wondering and kinda stressed about many things. My tea order from Adagio came and low and behold they put the wrong label on my box. I got some other girls order. So i emailed the company because i was like what the hell!?!? I payed a lot for my tea and i expect to get it. Then the company took forever to get back to me. When they finally did though they said they would shipping out my order AGAIN so i should have it on Monday and I'll be pissed if I don't. I also learned that there is a way for me to work both full time at work and full time at school....it would only be for 1 semester....aka 4 months....but i was waiting for Adam to talk to Mike about it and see what he thought and Adam took his time getting back to me so i was anxious. When i went to talk with Mike i was nervous as hell but he seemed to understand that i want this really bad and he seemed fine with the idea and i just need to figure out what department i want to go to, garden or Appliances. I'm torn in weird ways about it though cause garden is probably where i really want to be because i like that department a lot. BUT, appliances does not have a lot of people and i would be making more money because it is a specialty i would be going into. They also have like...3 people now since Amy quite. So they are in desperate need for someone. Garden has like 6 billion people. So I am super torn about this. Now today i had this lady walk up to me already in a pissy ass mood, she got even more pissed off when i told her i couldn't do something and proceeded to yell at me and storm off while yelling she was going to Lowe's. I fucking didn't care, go to Lowe's bitch. BUT, she called later and bitched Matt out, so then he called up and talked to me about it, we found a way to solve the issue, but i feel like I made a mistake. I was super pumped yesterday because the whole full time thing seemed in the clear and after today i feel like it's all gone. It's stupid to worry like i am but people who don't work at the depot don't understand how important customer service is and in this ladies eyes i did a horrible horrible job. I'm scared now that i won't get the full time. All i want are hugs and cuddles and soft kisses right now. But....Deric is working. I don't know why but i'm feeling very very lonely. I'm also feeling extremely sad. I should be studying for Bio but lately i haven't had the motivation for it. I just want things to go right for once in my life and right now i don't feel like they are. I mean like go right for more than 1 stinken day. Like for a whole year before i feel like this again. There is just a lot of things that I feel like are slipping away slowly.

Halloween was a good day at least. Trick-or-Treating sucked because we always get a lot of heights people and right when i was about to pull out of the driveway for work this car pulled into out driveway to let a bunch of people out! Like hello, can you not see i was trying to leave...But after work me and Deric went to Envy after he got home. We had a blast, Deric got drunk, we had shots with Hoss, and danced our asses off. We got back home and watched TV till like 4am....we actually were talking with the TV on so not really watching it.....but the conversations he have when Deric is drunk are interesting because he talks a lot and says things and explains things he normally wouldn't say if he were sober. Not bad things, but more informative things i guess. Idk, I like the conversations we have. I ended up drinking half a bottle of wine too and my body was feeling numb and tingly and it was interesting. I will say though, there is one conversation i wish i could forget. I wish i could have changed that day and i wish it hadn't happened like it did. I know I hurt you bad....read my Mr. Brightside post for peat sake....I wish i hadn't. I wish it had happened differently. All i can say to you is that I am so sorry. You don't like hurting me but i live every day knowing i killed you that day. I did that. I hurt the man I love more than anything. It's a guilt I'll always live with. But we had a good night otherwise, we passed out in each others arms and it was nice.

About That

I hate that I can go from being decently happy to being sad and really annoyed the next. Like really. My day hasn't been amazing either. I opened at work and was the head cashier all day on top of at the desk because Katie called in because she had no power so she didn't feel like coming into work. So i had to figure everything out myself. On top of that i was trying to be helpful earlier and i feel like i just got yelled at for even trying. Now I'm once again sitting in my house on my ass doing nothing but browsing the internet and doing as much homework and studying as my brain can handle at the moment since it is tired from getting up at 5am. I am trying to get ahead in my online classes so i can study as much as possible fro my physics and bio test. I am two weeks ahead in anthro and i can only do the current week in political science which kinda sucks. But i did all my bio homework and all i have left is to print everything but my printers a pain in the ass and wont fucking print. All i want is some damn time. Some physical time where i am not doing any of this crap and i do not have to deal with anyone's crap or attitude because everything will be all happy dory and no one will be pissed off or whatever. No one at work, no one at home, no one in life. Like seriously. Don't give me crap ok. I deal with it everywhere else and i do not need it from you to. So yeah, I am a little annoyed right now and a little pissed.

You And Me

You are the love of my life. Nothing is going to change how i feel about YOU. Yeah i might not like exactly what you do, but because i love YOU, it is something i can deal with. I can live with it, and as long as you keep our deal everything will be ok. Don't feel bad that i have to deal with it because trust me, if i didn't love you i wouldn't. But guess what, I LOVE YOU SO DAMN MUCH!!!!! All i ask is to have full trust in you that you will tell me things, things that i won't like. You have to tell me when you have done/did, are going to, or even thinking of doing something i would not approve of. I know you don't want to disappoint me but the reality of it is is that it disappoints me more when you don't tell me because i want to be able to trust you
100% but when i learn things later on it makes me upset and i lose that trust. So what if i get disappointed for a few hours or something dumb, we talk about it and we move past anything. I love you for you hun. You can tell me ANYTHING. If you are having a problem, you can tell me about it, if you are upset, you can talk to me, if you are worried, you can tell me. Do you see the pattern there? I'm not going to suddenly hate you or something for talking to me about your troubles or telling me something important that i might want to know. You told me that you were afraid that you were going to lose me before with the whole smoking thing and you do not want to do that again because you don't want to lose me. I do not want to lose you either. EVER. I want to be with you always, we just have to work through those bumps and lumps that occur in the road. Right now the bumps are that we need to communicate as much as possible and we do not get to see each other as often as we would like. But you know what? We are doing our best, and once we are able to get place of our own, i think everything will be ok.....we can do this.....and i have so many ideas by the way. I'll be having fun just so you know. I only wish i was able to be done with school now because everyone wants me full time at work right now....Cassie offered me a position as a full time head cashier even yesterday! The only worry i have is that there would be no full time positions open when i can finally do it, but i hope work will work with me.


Sweetheart, we can get through anything. You know i love you more than anything and i know you love me. We just have things to work on that's all.

I don't know what to think anymore.......I'm not sure what i want to do. I'm afraid.

It Falls

I wonder if stores have decent flowers right now. It's getting all cold out so they probably aren't very nice. I want sunflowers. Idk why, but i really love them. It's probably because when i was really young we always had HUGE sunflowers at my old house and those were good times. Sunflowers remind me of happy things. I mean, yeah i like all flowers.....but some i like more than others. When i have a house of my own I'll plant giant sunflowers in the yard and they'll be wonderful.

I'm feeling kinda lonely again. I'm also feeling kinda sad again. I'm not sure why.....eh actually i might know why so that's kinda a lie. I just....I want so many things and none of them are going to happen soon enough. I have so many wishes and wants. I was thinking of even starting a bucket list of places I wanted to go to or things i wanted to do before i died just because some places are important to me that i visit. While i was driving today there was a song on the radio, I don't know what the name was or who it was by, but the tune just reminded me of me being lonely and sad. It wasn't even really a sad song....but the melody was...idk....saddening?

I feel like I'm falling again....

The Future Looks Like It Has A Place For Me

So today at work i went down to self checkout to grab something for Cassie and Alyssa, our HR person, was down there putting a table together and i asked her what it was for. She said it was to get cashiers to take positions as sales associates because there would be a lot less turn over and a lot of cashiers know a lot about the items so it would help the store and the associates. She pointed to how many full time positions we have open right now and looked at me and said its a bummer you are in school right now, there are a lot of full time positions open right now and if you weren't in school and had open availability......She hinted majorly that i would get a position as full time. I told her about my plans after that and how the second i was done with school i would be trying for full time, I told her how bad i wanted it and that i would go to school part time so i could work full time and what not. I know she wanted me full time now, it sucks that i can't because i would have a position right now, like that's how bad they want me...and it feels so fucking good to know that i am that valuable of an associate and that it seems like no matter what i can probably get a full time position without much hassle. I just gotta wait till like the very beginning of may. I mean, i told her that i hoped a full time position at the desk opened back up cause i would take it in a heart beat and she told me that if that happens i would probably be the one to get it. She then told me to tell them the second i was done with school and was available to do full time and i told her i would tell them like a month prior so they knew it was coming.....and open a position.....lol......she said do that. I'm excited cause they want me really badly. I felt really good about myself right then...really really good.

My Days

I'm trying to be super optimistic but i know how life is so I'm kinda not right now. I just really really hope this works out, i really really do.

I'm gonna try and be happier. Lately i was really down and i want to be happy. So I'm gonna try and make that happen, i've been doing good this past weekend so we shall see.

I wish i could put into words some of the things i feel and think but i just can't. Like how much I love you or how you make me feel. Like it's impossible to say because there is just so much to say. So so much <3

Attached Once More

I'm feeling sad again. Very very sad. I didn't even eat dinner. Once again i don't feel good about myself. The feelings of worthlessness and beauty-less. Make them go away.

Recap

When we are able to cuddle every single night and fall asleep in each others arms only to wake up every day to each other.....that'll be a good day. I want that day. I want us to have a place. I want everything for us really. 

I know you care now. I just felt like you didn't for awhile because of how things were going. After our conversation though....I don't think that anymore. If you didn't care you wouldn't talk to me and calm me down and tell me everything was going to be ok.....you wouldn't listen to me and what i have said on here and try to make my wants and wishes a reality. Only someone who loves me and truly cares about me would do that. 

Times have been tough. But we will get through it. We can get through anything. You are with me and that is all that matters in the end. 

I'll probably just eat another sandwich just because i should. I haven't had a real apatite in awhile. I'm more of eating just because i know i should.

I think it came back and i am frightened. I made a mistake. Now I'm paying one hell of a price because of it. My stomach burns.

All I Want

I need something. I don't really know what but whatever it is i need it. I just feel like I never see anyone. Olivia is in town but our schedules are completely opposite. Deric is here but he is still always working. I guess what i possibly would love to have is a day with just us. Where he doesn't work and if i do it is in the morning. I don't know what we would do but if we like went by the beach or went to a big mall and just had fun, and talked about us, and just had a nice romantic stress free day where at the end there would be no questions asked about anything because anything we needed to know we would be damn sure about it. I want that. Right now...I just need you.....

So Much Fear

I am such a mess at this point. I don't know what to do anymore. My mind is a torn apart mess as well as my body it feels. Lately when i stop moving and just stand my body is quivering. Not shaking, but everything feels like its moving. Almost feels as though every single muscle in my body is having a spasm, and it's really hard to do things when it feels like that because it makes me feel like I'm gonna fall apart.
After the conversation with Deric yesterday I am one, happy he talked to me but two, fighting myself and what some of my values are. I thought he was only smoking 3-4 a week...turns out it was that a day. I don't know what to do with this information right now. I JUST got ok with it being the 3-4 a week. Now its like a pack a week and WAY FUCKING MORE than i thought and i have to be ok with this. I have to be but dear god i do not want to be. I grew up thinking smoking was bad and not to do it and it was wrong. Now my boyfriend does it, a lot, and i have to be ok with it. My morals and values are going out the door and i don't know what to do. My question after i learned that was how the fuck did you not think that was not smoking enough to tell me about? Like what the fuck.
I am also scared and it's because i am having all these confusing and negative feelings and they are all associated with Deric. Not like him him but him as in what he is doing. Sometimes I feel like that even though i know i love him and i know he loves me that everything is falling apart. I don't know if it because of the stress I am suddenly under or because I am finding things out that i don't want to. I don't know. I feel like that even though everything is now out on the table we are not as close as we used to be. It's probably just me though but I don't know. I guess maybe i need you to talk to me again and i think i want to ask you where you want this to go. I mean, I know what i want for us in the future...I want it so bad....and yet lately i feel like its unattainable. Then again, I've been feeling like a lot of things are unattainable lately, like the career i want and stuff like that. I've been feeling like I am falling behind everyone else. Like, people are getting married, having kids, going to college full time after their associates and getting college payed for. When i talked to Livi i realized that all my friends would be on to bigger and better things before me. Their careers would be in full swing before i ever could even think about mine. And it's all because they do not have to work to go to school like i do. They are getting everything handed to them. I am not. I don't know. I don't want to be left behind.

All i do know is that even though i am so unsure of everything right now....I still love Deric. No matter what i always will. He's the only one i ever see myself being with. When i think of myself being with someone else or him with someone else i wan to vomit. I love him to the point it hurts sometimes and i think that's what this is right now. Loving so much it hurts.

Just talk to me i guess, tell me everything is going to be ok, tell me not to be scared.

I will say though that right now....I feel terrible emotionally and i feel like an ugly piece of shit

My foot hurts. I don't know if I'll be able to do work tonight. It keeps tingling and almost burning and it hurts. It hurts everywhere.

My emotions hurt to. This....this hole keeps getting bigger.....

I'm not going to talk about my emotions anymore......

Everything hurts.....and i don't know how long i can keep it together.

That Big Black Hole You Fall Into

I'm falling deeper and deeper down the well. No motivation, no friends it seems, I am by myself most of the time. I do everything by myself now. Shopping, eating out, doing errands, going to the beach, working out....You know...it's just me in my lonely little world. It would be one thing if idk, people got sick and were puking or had an appointment they forgot about. Something legit as to why they wouldn't hang out with me. Apparently ignoring me is the best way to go....cause that's how everyone seems to do it.....It would be nice if I saw Deric more. I rarely see him as it is and now he seems to work the weekends now to so there goes that. I would love to be able to at least fall asleep with him every night.....that at least would be nice....but that isn't the case. This well gets deeper by the second

Damn People

Welp, no one wants to hang out apparently. Guess I'm not cool or worthy enough for anyone. Kat had texted me, wanted to see me on my birthday, i texted her back....like a week ago....never got a text back. Supposed to hang with Kayla today....she isn't texting me back either. She might later idk but this patter gets old really quick. IF I AM YOUR FRIEND HANG OUT WITH ME DAMMIT. Don't make me feel like a loser ok. I WANT to hang out. I am TRYING to hang out with you. YOU apparently DON'T want to hang out with ME. It makes me sad cause i want to hang out with someone.....

All The Loves

After whats happened, all i need is to know that you love me as much as i love you. I'm a little clingy right now and i need loving. Lots of it. Kinda sucks that we both have to work this weekend and have opposite schedules so that's kinda hard to do. But that's what i need right now. I am so glad we are ok though. Today meant a lot and it was important to me. Just cuddling and talking afterwards was wonderful. Meant more than you know.

The Beginning Of Better Things

This has been one of the hardest weeks i have had in a long time. But you know what, we talked, made solutions, and are ok. I was scared, you were scared. I was angry and i needed a few days to make sense of everything. Today was the day i didn't feel upset, angry, hurt, confused, etc. I felt happy. Last night I realized that letting something like that hurt us wasn't right. Yeah things needed to change after and they have. No lying and more communication is a definite must. And it will happen i think. We both will struggle with it cause well, we aren't the best at it. But we can do it, we don't want to lose each other. I never want to lose you, I love you so much. More than you know. You mean the world to me. We make mistakes, we all learn from them, and we improve ourselves. I love you so much, please know that forever.

I am at a loss. I have many mixed emotions right now. I don't know what to do

Cancel

I'm not angry at you. I am just frustrated and i feel like anyone in my position would be to. And right now as i am doing my homework and listening to dubstep i am becoming sadder and sadder. Like right now, i feel sorta comfy but all in all i feel empty. Like you know those moods where everything is just one big sigh? Kinda that mood. And the way my parents are acting is making me want to cry. I'm supposed to go to bed in like 5 minutes and they want to put a movie on the projector downstairs while I'm supposed to be in bed. I never have a good night when i am supposed to be up at 5 the next morning. Seriously right now though, I am feeling upset and really left out and frustrated. Here's the thing, I am feeling so left out and lonely and i am frustrated by that. When i make plans with people or try to make plans they either cancel or already have plans/work/busy. I only have 2 friends in town! When my other friends are in town they don't understand my work schedule and that pisses me off. Like hey come do this with us and be out late, sorry i can't i have to be up at 5 tomorrow, we wont be out all night, i can't, you're lame. Like why don't you get up at 5am for a full work day and see how much your gonna want to go out all night the next time. Do not give me shit for that kind of thing seriously. You don't get it.

Now my other problem, every time i try to hang out with Kayla she cancels. EVERY TIME. Unless it's when me and Deric go over there to hang with her and Brandon. But every time i have tried to hang out with her it ends up being a no. Like today i was supposed to and it was planned all week. Then i woke up today to a text saying she had to cancel. I know she has a baby to look after but hey maybe i was looking forward to hanging out with someone for a change. Then Livi is in town but we seem to have opposite schedules going on or shes usually busy when she or me wants to hang out. So that never works.

Another thing. Deric has his new job and i am excited and proud of him and for him. All week he has been doing a lot of overtime work so i haven't really seen him cause i have been letting him sleep cause he tells me how exhausted he is so i don't go over to his house. All week i have been sitting on my couch doing homework cause i haven't had anyone to hang out with and I'm letting him sleep. So you know i miss him. Tonight he is doing it again and he was telling me how he was gonna get up early to go with Brandon to AWOL while he gets a tattoo so he can look at designs and what not and hang out. Mind you every time he has had overtime i let him sleep all day cause i know he is tired yet he is perfectly fine getting up early after being exhausted to go hang out with someone else when I have been lonely and bored and frustrated cause I haven't seen him at all. I don't think it's right honestly. It makes me feel like i am unimportant. Like hes just too tired to hang out with me but will wake up for everyone else. Right now i just feel unimportant to everyone. Everyone cancels on me. Everyone is too busy. Everyone is too tired and I am too nice.

I am probably overreacting but fuck it that is how i feel.

Unimportant
Unimportant
Unimportant

Waves

Angry angry angry

Upset upset upset

Sad sad sad

Frustrated Frustrated Frustrated

Pain Pain Pain

Cry Cry Cry

Oh the joys of emotions and those emotions being amplified because it is my period week. But this is how I'm feeling tonight. It sucks. A lot.

Changes?

Well I've been thinking. Wondering if being a vet is really really what i want to do. I think it's more of am i as good as i need to be to be one. Like, are my grades high enough or am i doing as well as i should to be one. As of right now i feel like it isn't enough. I no longer have that 4.0 that i had because of Marczak. I'm not going to let one bad professor ruin my career but i have been thinking of some other career with animals. You know something with zoology. GVSU has a great Biology program but from what i have heard MSU is even better for zoology. But i think that if i go and get a bachelors in biology with some emphasis of some sort, maybe still with the pre-vet one, then I'm gonna hopefully go to MSU. That is waaay in the future though so I don't know.

I am excited for the future though. It is falling into place in a way and i am excited for that. I know what some things are going to happen and possibilities and just....i don't know. I am happy though. I am glad for what is to come.

I have decided that when i am done with MCC i will be going to GVSU part time. I have to in order to pay for it and that way i can also hopefully land a full time position which will insure that bills are paid and nothing is in a crunch. Money won't be so extremely tight. We will have our bills: phone, car insurance, car things in general, rent, food, school. But both being full time....We could do it.

I want to be out of this house though myself......Lilly has started to FREAK THE FUCK OUT a little when her electronics are compromised because she is just so stressed about high school and life in general. She needs to take a chill pill seriously......

I am in a happy place though right now. I am making friends, i am happy with myself, life is going ok, and Deric is still the most wonderful person on the planet. I am happy.

Overload

My brain just needs to shut down right now. My body does too. Too much is going on and i feel overloaded. Time to zone out hopefully

F***ing Dreams

What the heck was up with last night? My dreams were so fucked up. Like just super messed up and when i woke up they were messing with my head in a bad way. I was angry, terrified, sad.....like what the hell.
(Yes there as more then one dream..)
First dream: I remember mostly bits and pieces but i know i was in a store, I think it was Home Depot. The store was pitch black and the only time you could see anything was when these random flashes of light happened. I remember i was at a desk talking to customers and these people came in and said they could turn the place around. Then suddenly i was in like Tahiti and the store was a bright tiki bar kinda place. I was suddenly outside and taking pictures of the view/landscape and as a walked around this building i came upon Deric and we started talking. Somehow we got on the conversation of our phone plan etc and he was like i don't wan to have to change my number again! I was looking at him funny when he said that and he was like what? When Ronni was on my phone plan, i had to change my number when we took her off. I was flabbergasted and was like wtf? Then i looked at him and said, did you sleep with her? He was silent for awhile after that and slowly was like kinda but i don't count it. I was suddenly like WTF?!?!?! He was like yeah......and wouldn't say anything else. I had to practically yell at him to tell me what the hell had happened. He was like fine, we were at a con and she was dressed as a mecca and you know we had sex but then this guy came around and started hitting me blah blah blah. In my dream i pictured this happening it was terrible and i woke up shaking my head and being like no no no no no. I was angry and frustrated and concerned and it fucked with my head.

Second dream: Now the main part of this dream i don't remember but i know that in my dream something made me wake up so i woke up.....or i thought i did. I woke up to my dark room. I looked around and saw my closet was open a little and i didn't remember going to bed with it open so i went to turn on my bedside lamp but i couldn't reach it and when i looked back my closet was opened more. I panicked and tried to turn on the lamp and it wouldn't turn on so i grabbed it and tried to force it to work all the while the closet would open more and more every time i looked at it. I was so scared because whatever was doing that was BAD. Like pure terror was pouring out of me. Then i woke up in a panic and missed my light to turn it on then finally grabbed it and turned it on and my closet was fine but i was scared and i wasn't sure why that scared me so much. But fucking dream inception there like holy fuck. I thought i woke up from my dream but i actually woke up into another dream. Like shit thats so fucked up.......

It was a bad night and I'm still feeling the fucked upness in my mind from those dreams.

BOOM

Thunder and lighting. Tis my night. I wish i had a man here to cuddle with. But he's at work. I like cuddling during thunderstorms. Sigh, I love him very much and i hope tomorrow or the week or whatever is gonna happen happens and everything goes well and all ends happily. I really hope it does.

Who Is This Stupid?

I don't understand why I always end up in situations like this. I mean, really? Does life hate me or something? Ok, so tonight we had a party at Tyler's before everyone moved back to college. Gabbi was there and just had to bring this girl named Ariel who used to go to shores because she knew how to handle Gabbi's issues....which is another story entirely but i will not get into that because that's annoying on its own. Anyway, we are sitting in a circle and people are just up here and there doing whatever and I was talking to Andrea but she got up so I'm just sitting there waiting for her to come back and suddenly Ariel starts talking to me about how we both dated Matt. I was like umm...ok. Then she went on about how he was an ass hole and she didn't even realize they were dating until they went to a party together and everyone kept saying how she was dating him etc. It was like a two month relationship blah blah blah she went on for awhile while i was sitting there like ok why are you telling me this. Then Gabbi started talking about how Matt had tried to hook up with her and Ariel said she basically dated him so he would leave Gabbi alone. I slowly started to get up and kinda walk away because i really didn't care to hear about her experience with him. Not what I came to Tyler's to hear. Then suddenly she was like well hey be happy, he must have really liked you because one of the last times we ere making out right before we broke up he called out your name. I was just staring at her like.....WTF WTF  WTF WTF WTF. I had to compose myself and be like oh well i can see why you broke up after that. Then i was like I'm getting cold i'm gonna get my coat and i walked inside with a what the hell just happened look on my face. Now, this whole shabang was an eye opener. I understand  that that relationship hurt me, I've known this for awhile. I hurt inside emotionally and mentally from it. I have basically healed from that all. Obviously from time to time i still feel insecure about things but i have healed. Deric has been there and helped me to see my for me. He showed me my beauty for what it was. He loves me for what i am and what i look like and just for me being me. What i did not realize was how much that relationship must have messed that dumb ass up. From what Ariel said and from the fact that he is now dating his 3rd Kaylee. I feel like i really screwed up the guy...which in my book is perfectly ok. Definitely deserving of it. But seriously. Who tells someone that kind of thing? She acted like i still cared and would be overjoyed by what she told me. Like hell i would be. All i was thinking was how fucked up that was and how weird and just stupid she was. My night was weird in a way i would have preferred not to have experienced.

Possibly

The world seems to be slowly crumbling. Not much can be done about it either. There is one ray of hope though which we will find out about tomorrow. I hope this works out. I really really do.

New Things

Ladidada. I'm happy right now. Nervous. But happy. That's because Deric's birthday is tomorrow. My nerves are slowly creeping up but i am doing my best to make sure i know that everything is going to be just fine and that there is really nothing to worry about.

I mean hell, I know Deric loves me. He tells me, he compliments me, he is just wonderful. And you know, there are times when i can see it in his eyes. When he looks at me he has this cute wonderful awed look in his eyes that makes me feel so wonderful.
We are a we and something that we will be doing with each other is going through new experiences. This birthday is one of them. A new experience a new part of life that in another year i will be part of but for right now i just have to get used to Deric being a part of it. New things sometimes scare me because i don't know what to expect. I don't like not knowing things. But hey, if we are going to be us and get through anything, we both...mostly me...have to get through new things. I am learning and i am glad that Deric is willing to learn with me and help me through this stuff. Shows that he really cares about me. I love him so much and I know it is a few hours early but Happy Birthday my love. I know it'll be the most interesting one yet and I am glad i can be there with you.

Ow

Ehhhh....my boobs hurt :( I need a boob massage right now.

Should Have Been Sooner

I've been meaning to post on here but each time I go to do it I'm usually in bed and tired.

So Deric's 21st birthday is in 3 days. Holy crap that came up FAST. I remember when we talked about it in like January. He's super excited and I'm happy for him. This is a big birthday. I'm doing better with it to. I feel less nervous about it. I'm getting more comfortable with the idea. The only thing that still makes me nervous is him going out and getting drunk with other people and me not being there. That is the only thing that I am still nervous about. Other then that I'm doing pretty good which is a big deal. I'm doing good.

Deric and Tyler went fishing the other day. I'm glad they got to have bro time. I know Tyler was dying to hang out with Deric. Deric might not have noticed it when they were hanging out but I know it made Tyler's day. He had been wanting to do that for a long while. Deric needed to have bro time to. He normally is hanging out with me and I'm a girl. All girls need girl time and all guys need bro time. Haha

Hm, I have gained weight again. Well, kinda again. I had gained weight before i had gotten that 24 hour flu crap when i lost all of it that i had gained. I think i just gained that back. Which I'm fine with because i have needed to gain a couple pounds. Also my feet grew a half a size, and i swear they keep growing cause i bought these shoes that were a size 10 because they had some extra room and weren't really tight on my feet and now they are. Like what the heck? I thought i was done growing here. I know Deric is still growing a little bit but i haven't in like...forever. I mean, I'll gain weight and my boobs might get bigger here and there but like legit growing hasn't happened since like...elementary school. Yeah i was a pretty early bloomer and got all my height and shit when i was that young. But yeah, not sure whats going on with my body but things happen i guess.

The future is looking bright and it's a good feeling. ^-^

Although, for some people their futures just got crushed and i feel bad for them. There is nothing i can do about it but i still am human and feel bad for them.

F**K You

I'm so annoyed right now it's not even funny. I should be sleeping but my mind is racing cause I'm SO FUCKING PISSED OFF with Lilly that drifting off is impossible. People are being loud upstairs so that also makes it hard to sleep. My car is breaking and I don't know how much it';; cost to fix it. I gotta make a bunch of cakes, and you know i gotta be up at 5am tomorrow. I am having a long day and a long week and I'm agitated.

Lilly being the little bitch that she is decided earlier to throw a bitch fit about me telling her to chew with her mouth closed because well....she freaking chews really loudly and annoying with her mouth open all the time and i always say something about it. She decided to go on about how i had some weird problem thing where i think people are chewing loudly or something like that. I was like fuck no, you chew with your mouth open, even better you play with your mouth all the time! You constantly put your finger in your mouth and do weird shit that you deny doing. I WATCH you do it. Obviously I am not making that up. Then she was like well you do all these drugs and smoke pot blah blah blah and i was like what the fuck little bitch? I know for a fact that I 1000% do not do ANY drugs. She was like sure you don't like she knew everything about me. Fucking pissed me off. Then earlier she threw a HUGE fit about how Cameron took the laptop and now him and Forrest are both on a computer because she was getting her nails done so she wasn't using it. She has no right to be angry about two people being on separate computers in the same damn room cause that's all her and her friends do day in and day out when they are with each other. At least Cam and Forrest were talking to each other! So she stormed out of the house. That made my mom worried and sad until Lilly called from Heidi's house and she wanted to be picked up and my mom started crying cause she didn't like seeing Lilly depressed. I wanted to punch that little cunt cause she ruined my moms night of getting her nails done because she had to freak the fuck out because she couldn't have the laptop. Little obsessed are we not? Fucking pissed me off. I swear to god i will end up decking her in the face because of how dumb and stupid and bitchy and fucking gaaahahahahdbsalgfudow;agfuv.......I will end up punching her in the face one of these days. I am so fed up with her bull shit.

So my head light popped out of the spot it's supposed to sit in because when i hit that cement pile it tore at my bumper and it came loose enough for the light to fall out. I don't have the money for another bumper right now! I'm depressed about it. Also angry cause it's partially my parents faults. That and when i called my mom to help me she was too passed out to even communicate with me like a normal person so it was like she could give a rats ass if i needed help. So i figured everything out on my own no help from her....

I am supposed to work at 6am tomorrow which means waking up at 5, then i have to get my books from MCC, and now go and see how much it'll cost to fix my car. I'm to angry to sleep, too frustrated about my car, and to pissed off at my sister. My back hurts and my boobs are sore so it's just like everything is doing a big fuck you Kaylee. You don't need a nice car, or a sane home, or a healthy body, fuck that! You can have everything that goes bad cause you did something to deserve it even though i have no idea what.

Well Lets See...

I feel like i had a few things to say and now i don't quit remember them all but I'll try

I think i was first going to say that Deric's birthday is in 8 days, almost 7. I will admit that i am nervous. I don't know what to expect and i don't like not knowing things. But i am not as bad as i was before. I'm getting better like i knew i would. Still will always be a little nervous though. That i can't get rid of.

Uhm, I met Megan the other day and she's cool. I was nervous to meet her as i am with everyone because i want them to like me. Of course she already knew who i was and had heard a lot about me which was kinda cool.

I really do love Deric a lot. Like I have a happy feeling deep deep down which i have never really had before. It's nice to feel because I feel content, happy, loved, a lot of good emotions. For me that's huge. I love you so much.

Bought some new shoes yesterday and they are fantabulous. I needed them badly. We need to buy Deric some new shoes also. He just needs to find the right shoe, then we will buy it for him. I need to find a club dress. Hopefully i get one before Deric's birthday.

On a final note, everyone needs to hear the words I love you no matter who you are. They are very powerful words.

I Am Yours

Whhhaaattt? Interesting stuff at work today. Very interesting. Got there and i hadn't even punched in when Mel found me and was like hey, would you want to work in the vault cause Val put in her 2 week notice. I have been asked about working in the vault before and i had said i was interested so i said sure and told her when i could work and she was fine with that. Then i had to immediately go talk to Zizak. Mildly nerve racking even when i knew i wasn't in trouble or anything. He had me take a seat and Matt sat next to me and we talked about working in the vault, about my schedule, about working full time, about some changes that could happen at the desk, and random other things. What i got out of it was that they want me in the vault and the desk, they have high hopes for me and want me in there full time, and i very well could end up a supervisor down the road. I never even realized that Zizak noticed me, apparently he does a lot though. So woot woot! I'm really getting noticed and it sounds like I"m gonna be moving up in the world and people really are seeing what i am capable of and I'm excited because this could be big.

My vacation was really nice and I"m sad it's over because as much as i like work it is so wonderful to get away for a while. Kinda sucked that the weather was so crappy while they were here and once they left it was all nice. Lame. I will say that even though it was a good week it was a draining and tough week as well and me and Deric had little arguments through out the entire thing but they generally ended on a good note and i think we learned a little about each other. What i need to understand and its the one thing i have trouble grasping is that Deric keeps saying that "I will always be yours" and that means that i shouldn't worry about him doing something that will hurt me or something that will hurt us, i shouldn't worry about other people hitting on him and offering themselves to him because he would never agree to it or do it, he would never ever hurt me even if he was drunk off his ass. I have to trust him because he is dead set on being with me and not messing it up. He wants me for me. He wants to be with ME. Me, the person who can be one hell of a handful sometimes, me with all of my imperfections, me who worries way too much, me who gets scared too easy that I'll screw up something and ruin everything, me who needs to learn to be confident in every aspect of myself, me who is well me. Yet after all the negatives about me, he still wants me. I don't know why i can't see this and i really am trying to be better, it's a slow process but i am trying to understand this. I really am. Whenever i get nervous or paranoid about stupid shit I've begun thinking the comment he said, that he will always be mine, and it calms me down and i don't feel so worried and sometimes it goes away. It's helping and i like it because it makes the world a better place. It really does.

Oh, me and Deric both got new tattoos. He got one with his brother and its a tattoo that Kyle drew. Mine is of Michigan with a heart where Muskegon is. Both our tattoos are cool and awesome.

Tomorrow i am meeting Megan. Someone who has been in Deric and Kyle's lives for a very long time. Should be interesting.

Woot....My Life.....

Was awake pretty late last night and didn't have my laptop on me and i started thinking and needed to write it out so i did in my little journal that sits beside my bed because sometimes you gotta write things out instead of posting them on the interwebs. Certain things i prefer to have just me read rather then anyone. I still need some privacy you know?

Small world we live in...especially if you live in a small town. Some of you will remember Amelia, she used to be my best friend way back when before she became a total slut/bitch/terrible friend. Well, she has an older sister named Alice who recently got pregnant and everyone was like finally because she had pretty much slept around with half the school. Now i saw pictures of the guy who's kid it was but i never put two and two together. Today Deric was talking on the phone in the kitchen and i was standing there and just looking at the fridge and noticed a baby shower invite that caught my eye. The name on it was for Alice ecker and jason anthony. At that moment i was like no fucking way.....jason is Deric's neighbor! I pointed at the invite and Deric read it and got the same face i did. The NO FUCKING WAY face. Such a small world...i can't get away from these people!

I took Gus to the dog beach and he is afraid of the water which sucked because i wanted to go with a fun dog. So I may take Freedom next time or Blossom because she is apparently better not with the water.

Additional WHAT!!

I also found out that How I Met Your Mother is starting its final season in September. I was like OMG! It's finally to the end. We will finally know how Ted met his wife. AH!

WHAT!!!!!!

Today has been full of surprises that i like! Two things mainly:

The Crossfire novels that i like just published the 3rd book and in the back it stated that it wasn't the end so i knew there was a 4th book coming out. Today i was online looking at some things and i found out that there are going to be 5 books and the last two are going to be more of Gideon's side of the story! AHHHH!!! I am excited and also irritated cause i want to know how they end because the books HAVE to end up with Gideon and Eva together cause if they don't i may just kill the author.

The Hunger Games movie Catching Fire is coming out in November!!!!!!! I AM SO EXCITED!!!!!! The first one was great and the trailer for this one is so fucking amazing. I just want to watch it right now cause its going to be so amazing!! I hope the group gets to go...maybe...cause it comes out like November 24th so I'm not sure if we can but i HAVE to see the premiere cause if i don't i will probably cry a little bit inside.


P.s
I stole insatiable from 50 Shades ;P

Insatiable Apatite

I can't even begin to describe last night so i guess I'll start by just going from start to finish. Well, it got to be later that night and i sent Deric a text telling him to call me if got the chance and he called me like 30 seconds later. He was early out and i didn't know that so we started talking.

After about an hour of talking about dirty things because well, my love has an insatiable apatite and was horny, i asked him a question because he had been talking about things he was going to get me. It was what was his ultimate fantasy....and i got a response that i, it was a response that i could answer before he said it by the way he was talking and it was an answer that i did not like...ill be honest and say that. I know he didn't know this but my chest started feeling really heavy and my heart was pounding. We talked and talked about it because he then felt bad for telling me because it made me upset and uncomfortable. I had to tell him why i couldn't do that....as of right now its a definite no. I could not watch something like that happen, i could never watch you giving that to someone else. The images in my head were vivid, and they HURT. Just thinking about it made my chest hurt. If i ever saw that those images would burn into my mind forever and i wouldn't want that. I would think that you didn't love me anymore or that you felt less about me. I know that isn't true but i am an insecure and jealous person when it comes to things like that. You are mine, and i want to keep it that way. If someone else was involved you wouldn't be mine like that anymore.....you would be theirs to. I would think that you would think about them instead of me and i can't handle it. I can not for the life of me handle it. I realize that you are ok with me not being able to, it was more of an idea and if it were a deal breaker then you never wanted it to happen.

You told me that i am a try hard, a person that when given a problem will find a solution no matter what until i come up with the conclusion that it is down right impossible. And you said you loved that about me. That made me smile. You explained your view on it and how your mind thought of it. You basically said that if you ever saw me doing something with someone else that as long as my attention was still on you you would be ok with it, you think, because you would know that no matter what i was yours until i decided otherwise....i wanted to tell you that you that i will always be yours because i am never going anywhere.

You explained to me that the physical aspect is only half of it and that the other part that really makes you connect with someone is the emotion part. You said that it was mainly with me that you realized that you wanted that connection. You said that it was because of that connection that we are together because if it was just physical you would give me booty calls here and there and that would be all. Hell, you said your grandma thought of me as a granddaughter....i smiled when you said that because that meant a lot to me because i love your grandma, she is an amazing person. You reassured me that you love me and that if something like that ever happened you would still be all over me and thinking about me, even if it were some girl like kate upton. Your words meant a lot but i am still so insecure....i don't feel like it but when i think of things like this i am. I love you so damn much and i really wish that i could give this to you but even if i am a try hard i know when not to do something. I learned that hurting yourself and shattering your world is not a good idea. If your sanity would crumble it isn't worth it to me. It isn't worth losing what we have.

Well after our almost 3 hours conversation Deric wanted me to come over because he wanted me and i kept telling him no because i worked in the morning and my mom was still up. So he asked for pictures which i agreed to. So i send him pictures and turn off my light and get a text that says to open my curtain and I'm like no fucking way. He had snuck over! He finally came to the door and i let him in and he was so intense. I have never seen him like that. I mean...the second i shut the door and turned around....hit by a freight train that is my lovable boyfriend. There was so much everything. He took total control of me and i swear he went 50 shades on me...i understand cause i read the book and it wasn't in all bondage and stuff but in his words. Total seduction. He got what he wanted and made sure i knew that he got what he wanted when he wanted it. Holy damn it was so hot and intense and just.....holy damn. Sounds weird but just everything about last night made me love you that much more. You are the love of my life and always will be.

I love the fact that we compliment each other, everything about our personalities is a compliment to the other. I tend to be shyer and more introverted and you are loud and extroverted which brings out the liveliness in me and the cute quiet side in you. I tend to be emotional and sometimes a cry face and you are strong and like a rock and we play off of that. You have such a high libido and so many fantasies and i am a try hard and am willing to do anything at least once, hell it all works together. You are attracted to me just as much as i am attracted to you. You bring me so much joy, even when we have conversations like the one we had last night that made me hurt, i still love you more and more because you talk me through those things and listen to my side and understand. You are the most crazy, strong, intelligent, proud, determined, and sexy person that i know. Fuck i don't even know what to say anymore besides the fact that this is a long ass post but so much needed to be said. So many things happened and it all ended in feeling so damn good. Damn you are truly amazing.

Lets Jump Them Bones

I keep seeing pictures that remind me of you and they are making me horny. I am very attracted to you, just like you are to me. I like that. Means we are both happy to jump the others bones whenever we need it. You are amazing.

Tidal Wave

I just want to give you the biggest damn hug i can give and kiss you and cuddle. I just want to lay around and have lazy conversations and be all cute. I don't know why I'm feeling all this right now but i am. I just want to be with you really bad and I'm missing you terribly and I won't see you till Sunday afternoon which sucks because i want you here with me now. I just want to tell you I love you like a million times and just be as close as i can to you. I love you so damn much.

My Day Of Days

Well today was a very, umm, odd day I'll say. 
For one i went to the doctor, total last minute thing because i called at 8am this morning and they were able to get me in at 2pm the same day. I won't say why on here just cause its a little awkward and i would rather not, but i was correct in my thinking and am now on antibiotics for the next 10 days to help it. The doctor even said she thinks I've had it for awhile which would make sense if i think of a few things. But hopefully it'll be like gone by Monday according to my doctor. That would be wonderful because at some point i can't deal with that crap anymore...
More interesting part was what happened when i went back to Deric's after the appointment. Did not even think that would ever ever happen but surprise surprise! Very awkward moment between us which turned into him mildly complaining about how that wasn't going to happen now before work and he would be stressed and that this was awkward and stuff like that. I kept looking at him and when he went to go get ready for work i just shoved him onto his bed and it went from there. Total girl instincts kicked in. I agree with Deric's interpretation of it. Yes i got jealous, there i said it. I got that way because i wasn't the one he was relying on for that.Yes i was making sure he knew he was mine and that others knew that there was no way in hell that they would ever have him because he is mine, a little odd in my mind because there was no one else physically there, but still.  Also i was proving that I'm better then anything like that. And i did and i felt better. Deric is protective of me when it comes to other guys being around me and i sure as hell will be in a situation like that or when other girls are around him just like he is with me. Yup, that's how it is.
Deric had a panic attack at work because his manager is a total bitch and was screaming and cussing him out for the stupidest of things and kept getting right in his face and wouldn't stop. That's the second one he's had in the time I've been with him and both times i can't be there for him and i don't like that. It makes me angry that i can't go and just hug him and tell him that everything is going to be alright (I'd love to cuss his manager out myself as well). I just....gah....now I'm frustrated. Friday he is taking this test thing and once he passes...I"m like 99% sure he will....he should have a job that's much better then the one he has now and hopefully life will get better for him cause that's all i want for him. I want him to be happy.

That Could Suck

You know...i want to be a vet i really really do. But the way my GPA is going...i feel like that could no longer be a possibility. My B in math brought it down to a high 3.6 when it was a high 3.7 before...talk about a drop......which means i have to get like amazing grades next year to make sure i can at least end with a 3.7 which is my goal now. I just, that chemistry class fucked me over, like it bent me backwards and fucked me in the ass.....that bad. I need to start the refund process for the class i dropped because that guy was a total dick and messed me up for my career. Like...what if i apply to state in high hopes and they get crushed by a rejection? I'm scared that I'll spend all this schooling and end up with nothing. I want to work with horses, i really do. I love working with them to begin with and being a vet would mean that i would always be around them. I'm not sure what other careers would allow for that...sigh. I'm just scared that I'll have to completely rethink my life if I'm not good enough for vet school. Sigh :/

Admitting To The World

Here are the things that are off with me right now.
-Cramping/stomach pain
-Emotions running rampant
-Pain in places i shouldn't have it, adding my ear/head area to the list now :(
-Weird apatite
-And random other things

I don't know whats wrong with me, I know its for sure not one thing...trust me I made sure.....but since it isn't, I slowly getting worried because this isn't normal.

Now, i do not want to say this but i am going to because i should and i need to. With my emotions going hay wire right now, sigh, it makes it so when i hit a low i REALLY hit a low. Or if i get upset it is like way too overwhelming when it never was before. I've been struggling. Not to deal with life, i can do that, but not to deal with it in an unhealthy way. I have been very close to drinking again a few times. Things stopped it each time but i came so close to breaking down and cracking open the bottle and just sitting there with it. Each time i end up not doing that i realize how dumb it would have been to do that again and how unhappy Deric would have been. Talking about it i feel ashamed because i know its wrong and i know if people knew about it they would be angry at me. I feel like that's part of the reason why i don't ever tell ANYONE when i feel this way. I don't like how people would react and i feel like it would be a burden so i don't tell. I don't want to have to go to therapy again, i feel like that labels me, like it means i have mental problems or something. I hate having this problem. The thing is i don't know how to fix it or how to make it stop or how to counteract it. Sometimes when I'm upset or sad even being with people that make me happy doesn't help. Sometimes i want to be alone with no one around me or touching me so i can wallow in my pain. I just....I don;t know what to do.

There. I said it and it's out in the open. I wonder if anyone will notice.

Tomorrow Is Turning

Sleeping will not happen tonight. They are all packing and yelling and stomping and i have to be up at 7 which won't be nice cause i won't be sleeping tonight. I wanted to go to the beach tomorrow but no one is in town right now really. Everyone is in Ohio and enjoying cedar point.......and I'm here.....Andrea is working and Livi is watching her brother all day tomorrow. I can't leave the dog for too long by herself because her bladder is terrible. Deric's going to be gone all day tomorrow enjoying himself and hanging out with his bud Brandon. Kayla never responded to my text about Sunday...she texted me back about other things though.....just not when i asked her what she was doing Sunday. Deric will be exhausted when he gets home and i hope he will come over to my house and hang out with me because he can sleep here and not be disturbed and he could even spend the night if he wanted to because no one but me will be here. I hope he does cause i don't want to be alone all day long. I'm sad right now. I really am. I''m tired to. But mostly sad sad sad. Sigh.......

Poop

I'm going to the Omni tomorrow morning, I'm gonna get my protein shake when I'm done, then I'm going to the art fair, then I'm going to work. That will be my tomorrow.
Sunday I'm going to work then as of right now i don't know what the fuck my plans are.

Moody Mertle

Le Sigh. I don't even know right now. Like the past couple weeks ish i have been moody. Like constantly irritated at work or not giving a fuck about anything. Then like everything else i whirl wind but i feel like most of it consists of a slight irritation and annoyance with everything. But at the same time i don't have that feeling.   Right now I'm feeling lost and anxious a little and alone and irritated with my family (that happens on most occasions so that feeling is normal). But like seriously. I've noticed it a lot at work when i turn around and start mocking/mouthing off to customers, they obviously don't know, but I've gotten an attitude. Moody as fucking hell.
I guess I've just been noticing new weird things that my body has been doing in that time period as well. Just things that are idk. Not necessarily normal for me. I don't know whats wrong with me right now but something might be but i guess I'll just wait and see like i always do.

Now, since I'm in a mood right now why not vent a little. Sounds like a plan. I'm actually annoyed right now. And upset and lonely etc. etc. etc. For one, people never text me the fuck back. God damn it. How annoying is it that i take my time out of the day to send you a message or a picture or ask you a question and i never get a response half the time! There are people i don't even text anymore because i know its pointless because they don't ever seem to want to talk to me. Like there are very few people that actually text me back in a timely manner/that same day. Livi and Kayla, the only two that do this...and right now Kayla isn't responding so that means only Livi at the moment. The only damn two people that respond to me the same day/timely manner. People look at my phone and are like wow you don't text many people and i want to look at them and be like thats because no one responds to me...not even you! Am i really that unimportant to people cause thats how i feel.
Then on top of that I'm feeling ever so mildly self conscious again. I was doing so well to. Its not bad but it is there and it stems from feeling ugly. I mean, i look in the mirror and i think I'm pretty, but then i see pics of girls with make-up and perfect skin and beautiful hair and i feel like i have none of that. For one i wear no make-up so all my flaws are visible. I do not have perfect skin and my hair is kinda blah right now. I don't feel pretty. Boobs are not even an issue right now cause i think mine are just fine. Amazing huh? I get over that just to get more things I'm insecure about.
It would be absolutely amazing if i could just get away without a care in the world. But guess what? I can't do that! I'm a college student, taking summer classes, and working. I can't just go sleep all day because I'm exhausted, i can't just go to the beach and get away whenever i want, I can't just spend my money willy nilly because mommy and daddy pay for everything, I can't have all these fancy phones and gadgets because i can't afford it, I can't just up and move out of my house because again mommy and daddy don't do every god damn thing for me, I can't go get high and drunk off my ass and party all night long because i have work and school, I can't even just drink because whenever i want to it's for the wrong reasons, i can't do shit because I'm trying to get places and I'm trying to do something with my life. I'm fucking stuck and I don't like being stuck.
Also low and behold miss bitch Amelia got engaged. I find it hilarious because she's ugly, he looks like an orce from LOTR. Their family is so fucked up i dont even know.
I want to just keep venting but i think I'll stop for now cause my brains in a jumble

Oh The Day

When stupid arguments end in soft kisses, big hugs, and I love yous. It makes me feel better. The rest of the day got better which was a good thing. That and i got an 88 on my calc test. :)

Tonight

I'm drained. Not sure if it's because of the talk me and Deric had or if it's because I'm really tired. I guess it was a needed talk. We need to learn to communicate more, both of us do, not just me which is good. Probably more me because i tend to not always tell my problems or worries etc. I don't always like to and i have to stop doing that.I will be honest, that will be hard for me. I feel like some of the things i want to ask or say are dumb and are just things i want to talk about because i worry too much and get upset by stupid things...but apparently i should talk about those things to. I hate confrontation and things like that though, i always have. I guess this involves a lot of learning that i will be willing to do for Us. I don't really know what else to say besides that I love you. So I guess I'll be done for now.

At a mild low right now :/

Turn Around

Things are looking up in a way, and I'm ok with it because its a good thing.

I got another review at work today. All was good. Nothing was bad at all. Felisha even said that she wants to look into making me a head cashier. Meaning that i will know that much more and people trust me more and know i can do things. I feel like once i went to the desk people really noticed me. I made a lot more friends because i interact with everyone now, people rely on me to solve problems and make people happy, i learned the paint department, i got employee of the month. People are noticing me and it is paying off. This makes me happy.

I've finally been able to start looking in the mirror and think of myself as attractive and beautiful. ALL of me. Even the things i have insecurities about. I don't know why all of a sudden i can do this and i don't know how long it will last. But what i do know is that I am not an ugly person. I may have smaller boobs but they are pretty damn good looking and anyone who says otherwise is a fool. I may not have perfect skin or perfect hair etc but what i do have is enough and it works for me. I'm doing things that make me happy. I'm trying to eat right, i go to the gym and stay in shape, i go to the beach and lay out, i get piercings and tattoos, i hang out with my amazing boyfriend and friends, and i finally think i have found my fashion niche. Like i think I've found what i like so i can stop trying to look ways that don't suit me. I know I'm not allergic to cheap metal so getting piercings now is a possibility and that makes me happy.....happy enough that i got my tragus done on Tuesday and its really cool. Kinda weird i will admit but i like it.

Something that was an even bigger turning point was something today. I won't say what it was or what happened but i will say that i saw something which made me not all too happy. BUT, i thought about it. I decided to have a little faith and to not let my issues get the best of me and run my life. So, I let it go. I am not unhappy by it, i am not anxious etc. I am calm, collected, and accepting. I don't want my problems to ruin me, my life, my relationship, my anything at all. So I'm not letting it and for once in my life i am not dwelling on it right now. I'm not even thinking about it really. I mean i am periodically but not in the way i did before. I think i can finally begin to heal a little. Hopefully that means trusting more and having more faith in you then i do right now. Maybe that would even mean for me to understand that you love me enough to never hurt me and to never do the things i fear may happen. You are not like that, you love me, you love me, you love me. That's all i need to know and I'm finally learning to let go and not let my issues get the best of me.

Summer is finally here i think and that makes me super happy. Many beach days and bonfires ahead. I'm happy Deric goes to the beach with me and drags himself out of bed for me. Maybe we can cuddle on the hammock next time we hang out. That will be nice. I also think i know what I'll make for him for our anniversary...its a long shot that I'm hoping i can make an idea come out of....cause if you didn't know i like making things. It's a cute idea i think and if it turns out right, well, I'll be pumped.

The only bad news is that i have shin splints. Fucking gym class did this to me cause everything was on cement. I'm mildly upset by it but I'm dealing with it and hoping it goes away soon.

On a final note. I love you Deric. You didn't call tonight which makes me sad but i guess I'll hear from you tomorrow which is way better then not hearing from you at all. I hope work went well/is going well and that you get home and sleep your little butt off. Goodnight my love, I'm off to pass out myself.

Feel The Burn

Well....me and Deric got our first sunburns of the season. We'll just have to make sure that the other side gets the same to cause otherwise we'll be all tan on one side and pale on the other. lol. Uh, lets see.....tomorrow I'm hoping to go get my ear pierced. I'm excited and nervous because I know it'll hurt but I'm gonna do it anyway cause i want one. But that's how it is with anything really. Like getting tattoos or a wax, i get super nervous cause i know its going to hurt but i still go through with it because i really want it even though during it I'm thinking to myself why the hell do i do this to myself. I always come up with the same answer and that is I'm not really sure. I guess you just gotta deal with pain to get things sometimes...aka like all the time for the things i want (tattoos, piercings etc.).
Now that I'm thinking about it i really i want to say that Deric is an amazing guy. He lets me talk and cuddle and he just listens and does stuff with me. It's nice.I like having someone like that. :)
But i really should be getting to bed, i have to be up early for school so goodnight.

Update I Guess

Well, today has been a good day. There was a huge thunderstorm last night and it caused a power outage at the college so i did not have to go to school today. Yay! Its a good thing i signed up for texts from the weather station because the MCC website was down so i would have gone anyway if i never got a text. So i have more time to study for my math test which is always nice. I also got to lay out for a little bit because it was actually nice out besides being windy. I hung out with Deric and we just chilled then went to Lake Harbor and walked around the dunes/woods for awhile before he had to go to work. Hopefully we can go to the beach again on Monday....aka i hope its sunny, warm, and not ungodly windy. Olivia wants to get her ear pierced so I'm gonna call on Monday and see if the guy is there and if we can go in and get them done. My only worry with it is the fact that it will be on cartilage and not the lobe so it will take extra long to heal. My ears took WAY long to heal and i know cartilage already takes awhile to heal so for me it will take like five times as long then normal. BUT....I'm not allergic to cheap metal so i can wear any earring i want to without a problem. Uuuum....i don't really know what else to put here. Hm. I just felt like i hadn't updated in awhile. Probably won't this weekend cause i work all day everyday. Eh, well goodnight then.

I feel mildly better. Tomorrow should be fun though. Baby shower for Kayla, then working on a paper, and possibly math, etc. Hopefully it's nice out so i can lay out and get tan

And...cue depression......and holy crap my eyes are watering up because they like sting right now and it probably looks like im about to cry but trust me I'm not. I'm just sad.

Will It Always Be This Way

Sigh....how I'm feeling at the moment. This can just be frustrating sometimes. Especially when...well....sigh. Never mind. I've said i before and don't feel like repeating myself once more. Mildly unhappy

Jibber Jabber

Thank you for talking to me. Thank you for just letting me babble on about my problems. Thank you for always being honest with me. You are one of the few that has always been like that and I love it. It makes me happy that you are understanding and help me and make things better. I love that about you. That and you cuddle me when I'm upset which makes me feel better and safe. I love you and i trust you. I'm sorry i have some issues here and there with myself and letting me talk about them was really nice. I tend to worry and think things and that was what i was doing. You answered my question honestly and i feel  better because i know you are honest with me. I feel better now and it's all thanks to you.

Fright

I hope i didn't scare you away. I opened my mouth, and sometimes things like that come out. I'm emotional right now and i don't know why. I'm mostly scared. Really really scared.

Would still love to be able to move out. The screaming here is getting hard to stand.

Finally The Hell Is Over

Oh my god everyone is pregnant. Like seriously. I was just on facebook and saw yet another person i graduated that is pregnant. Oh society you have gotten mildly ridiculous.

On another note. I have decided to drop the class.....or in this case withdraw from it because I'm past the point of dropping but nothing should affect my GPA. There will just be a big fat W on my transcript. But....i do feel bad that we payed for the class and now I'm not finishing it. But i just can't deal with being up late every night in tears because I don't understand what the fuck I'm doing. I emailed him and said i was upset and that i wanted to meet. He said he did respond to my email and that i need to start giving him more information and usually he doesn't check his emails on Saturday and Sunday. I'm to the point of done. I wanted to say to him that the questions i was asking did not need any info to be given. I asked him if a certain equation was the proper one to use when finding the order of the Fe an I. WHY THE HELL DO I NEED TO SHOW WORK FOR A QUESTION LIKE THAT????? I asked him to please email me back as soon as possible because i need to know if that was the correct thing to use for that. Did he do that....nope. Yet i need to send him my work to ask if I'm using the right equation. WTF. So I'm getting up early tomorrow and going to see the counselor and the people that do the scholarships because i need to talk to both of them. And I'll be done with the hell I'm in. I'LL BE DONE. And I'll be a lot happier and not as stressed and oh just so many things. Sigh, I have to do this. It's the only option that will help me in the long run.

Facebook Makes Changes

Huh, this is mildly weird and an eye opener to me about how i am. Kat sent us a message on facebook about how her home life is right now. Saying how her mom and Stew (her uncle) are always fighting and Stew is terrible and the only reason they are there is because her mom can't afford a house on her own and how she says she will move once both Kat and Jake are in college. Home life is terrible etc etc. Responses to the message is that everyone is there for her and that she can come by anytime if she needs to get away and that she does not need that kind of thing right now. I'm reading this thinking...hmmm..who's life is similar to this right now. HMMMMMMMM. Maybe it's my life? Bingo! And guess what? Not a single one of them know about it. I don't need the sympathy anymore. I don't want it. From certain people i don't mind it, but it really is not something i want from them. I don't even know how to respond to the message because I'm like wtf do i say? In all honesty, I'm a hard person. I may seem kind and friendly but in reality I'm hard. I think that's the only reason why i can get through everything and still be sane to some degree. If i get all soft and mushy about everything that goes on i don't think i could handle it. Then again holding everything in doe snot help either because it eventually blows up in my face, but thats also why my friends know nothing of whats going on at my house and in my life. I hold it in and tell no one. Deric knows and Eric knows but really other then that no one does. Katie at work found out one day by accident when we were talking and she looked at me and was like, "Oh...I'm sorry..." she didn't know what to say. I have to brush some things off. It's the only way i know to do things. Talking about everything makes me more upset sometimes. It makes me more angry then i am, holding it in does to though. I'm just confused as to if i give sympathy out right now for people in an sorta similar situation when they don't know about mine. Like for once in my life...i dont know what the hell to do. It seems so damn simple but i just don;t know because i haven't asked for sympathy and help and support. Why give it all to someone else? God i sound mean right now. Know that that is not how I'm meaning to sound. Maybe I'm being realistic maybe I'm being harsh. I don't know. I just realize that I'm not a very open person and that I may be a little more hard then i thought i was. Maybe more of a loner then i realized......